ItsAStruggle

I'm hoping that I've finally found a place to start. My husband is an alcoholic. He has been for years but was always functional and would just drink till he fell asleep. I never monitored his intake. I knew he drank but he went to work, ate meals, joined in activities, was social and engaged. About 3+ years ago, he had heart surgery. By this point, I knew he was drinking too much, but he still seemed in control. Once he was put on permanent disability and was home all the time, I saw where he was no longer functional. He can sober up for an appointment now and then, but in not engaged with the kids or myself and drinks from the time he wakes until when he passes out. He has fallen 2x this week and couldn't get himself up. He was furious when I suggested calling paramedics. He's drinking 1.75 ltr in a day to day and a half. He thinks he's okay to drive and wants my kids to go with him. I don't know what to do. I understand that I'm not supposed to enable him, but I don't want him to drive so will go buy what he needs. I'm looking for advice from people who have been here and support from those who still are. He's always drunk in the family room & refuses to wear pants (wears underwear) so I can't have friends over (if I had any left) and it's just such a struggle. Thanks for listening.

Bird615

Welcome to SR, ItsAStruggle!

You'll find a lot of people here who have been in your shoes and you'll also find a lot of information and support for yourself in this tough situation.

Find the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section and you'll see you are not alone.

D122y

ItsA,

Your hubby is heavily addicted...physically and mentally.

He is basically insane right now. His brain is not working correctly.

He will not listen to you.

Here is what I would have to do....

I would not enable him anymore. If he gets belligerent, I would call the police.

If he goes to the store by driving and he is still drunk, I would call the police.

If he threatens you. I would call the police.

He can not bully you. The police will bully him. The inmates in jail will bully him.

He will learn the error of his ways. Since he is on disability, the money will still come in.

You really have no choice.

The police will lock him up, he will get a record, and he will be forced into treatment.

He will eventually thank you when he gets on the road to recovery.

That is my opinion on your situation.

Negotiation time is over.

I have a co worker that is a mess, but not quite as deep as your husband. It is coming close to this time for my coworker.

Thanks.

red3215

He NEEDS professional help.This is not something you should be having to deal with on your own. If he refuses to get medical help or treatment, unfortunately the police may be the only way to go. Alcoholism is progressive and will only get worse, and he’s already endangering all of you. If he won’t go to a doctor or seek treatment, jail might be the only way to get him away from the bottle.
If you think it's safe, tell him before he drives that you'll call the police instead of waiting til he's in the car.

HTown

Can you leave with the kids? Maybe go stay with family? You deserve a better.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you focus on caring for yourself and your children.

I do believe you should call the police if he is driving drunk.

least

Yes, report him if he drives drunk. He could do some awful damage if he hurts or kills someone. And never let him drive with the kids if he's been drinking. They have the right to refuse rides with him for their own safety.

DontRemember

Ex-daily drunk driver here and I was 'great at it' too,until a wall jumped out in front of me. DO NOT let your children in a vehicle with him! I think it's time to set some hardcore boundaries with him. If he crosses them he(or you and the kids) leaves. There's no sobering him up until he sees that he needs to. I know I 'wasn't that bad',until I was. My thoughts to your family.

LBrain

I'm sorry for what you are going through. The only advice I can add is that the next time he falls down drunk do not *suggest* calling the paramedics, instead dial 911 right away. And make sure they know this is not the first time and how worried/scared you are. You cannot have a reasonable discussion with someone in that condition anyway. The next time he may not recover, or he may severely injure himself during a fall - it's just a matter of time. Do it for yourself and your children, and him.

ChloeRose63

Have you thought of documenting his behavior? Maybe take a video of just how bad his alcoholism has become. He needs an intervention if he has gone too far and it seems that way.

ItsAStruggle

The information I've been reading says to speak kindly and lovingly . To explain to him that I only want what's in his best interest. To tell him how much we love him and don't want anything to happen and to not push him or make him feel like we're nagging. Everything in me wants to scream! I want to tell him to suck it up and pull it together or leave. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate the site to get what I need but think that Al Anon might still be a better choice for the beginning. This site let's me know that I'm not along, but I need concrete instructions on what to do.

ItsAStruggle

Although a great idea for most, he would probably press charges against me. He worked in media for 30+ years before going out on disability. He reminds me often that it is against the law to film without connect. I think he has become a bit paranoid as well. His mother had alcoholism and also senility. I thought in the beginning that it was Alzheimer's until I found the bill for his liquor.

Dee74

Welcome aboard ItsAStruggle

I wouldn't worry too much about your husband pressing charges against you if you were to film him - thats just silly.

But it also sounds to me like your husband is way past the scared (or shamed) straight stage anyway.

He'll rationalise it away have another thing to resent you for and drink some more.

Whatever you decide to do, I agree with Anna - I think you need to consider yours and your childrens welfare first and foremost.

D

ItsAStruggle

I just got home from taking the kids to church for an hour. He texted me 10+ times to get him vodka. When I didn't respond (I was in a conversation), he got in the car and drove himself to the liquor store. He was stone cold drunk. I told him that if he wanted to kill himself that it was his prerogative but that I was going to take his keys cause he couldn't take someone else's life too. He promised it wouldn't happen again but I don't believe it.

I'm going to call Al Anon in the morning and see when I can go to a meeting. I think I need good, solid rules to follow. I'm obviously not coping well anymore. I suggested he go talk to someone and he wanted no parts of it. I need to tend to me and my kids.

Thanks so much for your advice. It's nice just knowing that I'm not the only one. It feels like I am most days.

MindfulMan

Pretty sure that filming a family member in your own home and not selling the video is legal.

I find it very strange that he's reminding you often that it is against the law to film without consent. Why is he saying this? That doesn't just come out of the blue.

Al-Anon may be hugely helpful, you'll find people there who've gone through exactly what you're going through. That's advice you should trust.

ItsAStruggle

So much has happened in the two months since I first found this group. I began looking for support and quickly lost direction as my life became overwhelmed by my husbands constant drinking. He was drinking a gallon a day. He took several falls. He was experiencing tremors after passing out for more than a couple of hours. He was always nauseous and barely ate.

About two weeks ago, he finally asked for help to see the doctor. He couldn't stand do we dialed 911. Paramedics came and couldn't get a pressure. His heart rate was 188. They said he was in rapid afib.

We went to the hospital where they determined he was in complete kidney failure. They asked for his final wishes. His pressure dropped to 42/24. He was still alert and wanted to live.

Two weeks later, he's back to denial. He claims he drinks a pint at his worst and that I drink excessively. He refused rehab for alcohol and went to a nursing home until he can care for himself.

He's lucky to be alive. He just complains that the food is awful.

The hospital was supposed to offer family social services. I left in the morning with the idea that he would be there two more days. He called later that day that they were discharging him immediately. I suppose that wasn't meant to be.

They told him that he can drink responsibly. Does such a thing even exist for an alcoholic?

ItsAStruggle

He's preparing to come home in 2-3 days. It's been a month since he almost died. His kidneys are almost fully recovered. His blood work is still showing breakdown of tissue. Hopefully his appt on Tuesday will explain that better.
He looks well. He's bright and stronger than prior to this incident. He's also 'over' it and asking for a pint of vodka.
I fear that there will be no change.
I need someone who can answer questions on what I should do.
If he is drunk, do I buy liquor so he doesn't drive? Do I give it to him when he's so sick from starting to detox? Do I just continue to shut up and watch him slowly kill himself?
I know that I cannot make him drink and have no control in making him stop. Why do the doctors and nurses not realize that? They questioned me as to why he drinks when I'm home all day. They would tell me what a nice guy he was, as though an alcoholic couldn't be? How could I not know he was so sick? How could HE not know?
My doctor cannot answer my questions, Alan on is simply support. Who can I ask?

biminiblue

I don't know that anyone can answer your questions.

Either he will drink himself to death or he won't. If you aren't willing to find a way to leave him, then you'll have a front-row seat. I'm sorry that there is no way to force him to stop. It's just the nature of end-stage alcoholism. If he won't get specific treatment for his addiction, there is nothing you can do other than get out of the way.

Anna

I think those are questions only you can answer. Have you been able to set up boundaries for yourself? It seems like Alanon could help with that. I hope that you find some peace.

BixBees505

You are sick too, Itsa. Addiction is ‘contagious’ in the odd way that it sucks people around the addict into a chaotic-state-of-emergency-concentration-camp mindset. You need help for yourself, separate entirely from hubby - and your husband’s issues can only be solved by him, with pro addiction help, if then. Save yourself and your kids. Move out. Let him deal on his own without your assist. As they say, put your own oxygen mask on first, or you will go down.