So... I finally moved out...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
So... I finally moved out...
I moved out.
So I was finally able to move out from my parents house. They didn't like it. They have been calling me and they cry on the phone because they say they're worried about me. However, my mom told me that my ex A dad has been getting better with the treatment for his illness. I feel a bit lonely sometimes but I get to see my friends once or twice a week and I'm generally pretty busy with work, so I don't have that much time to get sad anyways lol.
I think this is a very crucial point in my life. I've been doing fine, mostly. However, I've been noticing that I need to work on myself a lot so I get to be who I want to be... A strong, independent woman who loves herself and knows what she wants... That's my goal.
I am currently considering if whether or not I should put an end to my current relationship . We've been together for 6 months, things were going fine, until they weren't... He and I were supposed to go see a movie together this saturday, but he bailed on those plans because he had a hangover and was tired. Thing is, last saturday the same thing happened. I told him I wanted to be sure if we were going or not, because I have a lot of stuff to do from work (I have two, a desk job and one were I'm a free lancer). He then proceded to get very mad at me and tell me that he wasn't going. Later, he sent me a text telling me that maybe we should take a break because he felt like it was an obligation to go out because I asked him to tell me, with time, if we were going to go or not. I was so very confused because I don't know if I really pressured him without noticing? And at the same time I feel like this is crap because there have been a few times in were I'm so busy that I can't go out with him BUT I MAKE SURE I TELL HIM SO I DON'T WASTE HIS TIME and he still gets mad at me for not being able to go out, so I feel like I should be even more justified under this circumstances, because he told me we weren't going until last minute, when I had already wasted a lot of time.
I didn't thought that alcohol was an issue for him because I never saw him drink or knew how much he did it, but it looks like it migh be an issue. To be honest, I don't care what his excuses are. I just think I don't deserve this kind of disrespect and since it's only been half a year I guess it can only get worse. I have already made a lot of big decisions lately, it feels a bit overwhelming. But I know I need to make choices that support my desire to become a better person. So... Yeah. I am a bit scared of breaking up. But I guess it needs to be done.
So I was finally able to move out from my parents house. They didn't like it. They have been calling me and they cry on the phone because they say they're worried about me. However, my mom told me that my ex A dad has been getting better with the treatment for his illness. I feel a bit lonely sometimes but I get to see my friends once or twice a week and I'm generally pretty busy with work, so I don't have that much time to get sad anyways lol.
I think this is a very crucial point in my life. I've been doing fine, mostly. However, I've been noticing that I need to work on myself a lot so I get to be who I want to be... A strong, independent woman who loves herself and knows what she wants... That's my goal.
I am currently considering if whether or not I should put an end to my current relationship . We've been together for 6 months, things were going fine, until they weren't... He and I were supposed to go see a movie together this saturday, but he bailed on those plans because he had a hangover and was tired. Thing is, last saturday the same thing happened. I told him I wanted to be sure if we were going or not, because I have a lot of stuff to do from work (I have two, a desk job and one were I'm a free lancer). He then proceded to get very mad at me and tell me that he wasn't going. Later, he sent me a text telling me that maybe we should take a break because he felt like it was an obligation to go out because I asked him to tell me, with time, if we were going to go or not. I was so very confused because I don't know if I really pressured him without noticing? And at the same time I feel like this is crap because there have been a few times in were I'm so busy that I can't go out with him BUT I MAKE SURE I TELL HIM SO I DON'T WASTE HIS TIME and he still gets mad at me for not being able to go out, so I feel like I should be even more justified under this circumstances, because he told me we weren't going until last minute, when I had already wasted a lot of time.
I didn't thought that alcohol was an issue for him because I never saw him drink or knew how much he did it, but it looks like it migh be an issue. To be honest, I don't care what his excuses are. I just think I don't deserve this kind of disrespect and since it's only been half a year I guess it can only get worse. I have already made a lot of big decisions lately, it feels a bit overwhelming. But I know I need to make choices that support my desire to become a better person. So... Yeah. I am a bit scared of breaking up. But I guess it needs to be done.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TimetoHeal.....now is the time, in your life, that you should be able to deal with your own development.....don't let anyone take that away from you! especially, some guy who doesn't even have his stuff together.....
You will probably never have such a wonderful time in your life......these should be some of your very best years.....
You will probably never have such a wonderful time in your life......these should be some of your very best years.....
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
My ex-fiance, who was not an addict, had a big issue with time. He was always perpetually late to something. He was the one who broke up with me, but when I look back and think about how much time I wasted waiting for him to get ready for something, it makes me sad. It was like my life was on perpetual hold.
Long term relationships are hard, and even when they do work out your partner is going to drive you crazy over something. IMHO, attitude about time is a really big deal. Differences in the way you spend it underscore different philosophies in life. You want a partner who is in tune with you for the major stuff, so the minor stuff, as annoying as it is, can easily roll off your back. If you two aren't in sync in general, then the minor stuff becomes the straw that breaks the camel's back.
But I'm glad you made it out! [Breathing sigh of relief!]
Long term relationships are hard, and even when they do work out your partner is going to drive you crazy over something. IMHO, attitude about time is a really big deal. Differences in the way you spend it underscore different philosophies in life. You want a partner who is in tune with you for the major stuff, so the minor stuff, as annoying as it is, can easily roll off your back. If you two aren't in sync in general, then the minor stuff becomes the straw that breaks the camel's back.
But I'm glad you made it out! [Breathing sigh of relief!]
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 19
I understand a bit what you're going through. I have been independent from a young age. I think it is important, especially since I think I read you graduated recently, that you experience life. Your mother should not guilt you, that is a bit selfish on her part. And I can understand how you might feel some guilt yourself because of what she's saying to you. But everyone needs to spread their wings. It doesn't mean you can't regularly talk to your family, visit, etc. You can establish a healthier relationship for you and your parents.
In terms of your relationship, I also am currently contemplating leaving my boyfriend. You are young, you just moved out and I think this is a good time for you to start new beginnings. It is not always easy to leave, but you will find someone where it just feels right and you know it's right.
Look forward to gaining your independence, it is important, especially for being a young women.
Good luck <3
In terms of your relationship, I also am currently contemplating leaving my boyfriend. You are young, you just moved out and I think this is a good time for you to start new beginnings. It is not always easy to leave, but you will find someone where it just feels right and you know it's right.
Look forward to gaining your independence, it is important, especially for being a young women.
Good luck <3
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I am CRAZY proud of you for moving out! That took a great deal of courage to do what you believe is best for YOU, not for your codependent mother or alcoholic father. Bravo!!!
Do you have access to a therapist who understands addiction and codependency? Many of us who grew up in a home like yours grow up and unconsciously seek out the familiar...and end up in a codependent relationship with an addict/alcoholic.
Your boyfriend being too hungover to keep his plans with you is therefore concerning. Maybe he's just a typical young guy partying too hard, maybe there's something more. His defensive response to your perfectly reasonable request for clarification is another concern. Having a therapist help you understand these patterns may help you avoid them. Al-anon is another source of support and information along these lines.
You're a smart woman. Your instincts are excellent and they're serving you well here. You didn't gain your freedom easily...don't compromise it with a less than optimal relationship, yes?
Sending you a giant hug!
Do you have access to a therapist who understands addiction and codependency? Many of us who grew up in a home like yours grow up and unconsciously seek out the familiar...and end up in a codependent relationship with an addict/alcoholic.
Your boyfriend being too hungover to keep his plans with you is therefore concerning. Maybe he's just a typical young guy partying too hard, maybe there's something more. His defensive response to your perfectly reasonable request for clarification is another concern. Having a therapist help you understand these patterns may help you avoid them. Al-anon is another source of support and information along these lines.
You're a smart woman. Your instincts are excellent and they're serving you well here. You didn't gain your freedom easily...don't compromise it with a less than optimal relationship, yes?
Sending you a giant hug!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Tth,
I too am so proud of you. Keep moving forward. Tell boyfriend that you agree, you need to take a break. This is a perfect time to think about your wants and needs. From what you are explaining, your boyfriend doesn't sound like a true winner. You are on your own, take that power and find out who timetoheal really is.
Sending big hugs, you got this my friend!! It's time for you to soar!!
I too am so proud of you. Keep moving forward. Tell boyfriend that you agree, you need to take a break. This is a perfect time to think about your wants and needs. From what you are explaining, your boyfriend doesn't sound like a true winner. You are on your own, take that power and find out who timetoheal really is.
Sending big hugs, you got this my friend!! It's time for you to soar!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Thanks everyone for your kind words.
I love to come here, I always feel supported...
I'm not kidding when I say that sometimes, when something difficult happens in my life, I think to myself: "what would [insert a sobr recovery member's name here] do in this situation?" lol
I haven't broken up with him yet. And he hasn't talked to me at all, wich seems to indicate that he is indeed taking his break.
I have been thinking a lot about it and I tried to see what was I truly feeling. I realized I feel a lot of guilt... I feel like I made him get tired of me or something like that. And at the same time, I know I have always been respectful of his time and needs, so why wouldn't I deserve the same in return?
Perhaps feeling guilty is a pattern for me?
I need to go back to therapy...
I love to come here, I always feel supported...
I'm not kidding when I say that sometimes, when something difficult happens in my life, I think to myself: "what would [insert a sobr recovery member's name here] do in this situation?" lol
I haven't broken up with him yet. And he hasn't talked to me at all, wich seems to indicate that he is indeed taking his break.
I have been thinking a lot about it and I tried to see what was I truly feeling. I realized I feel a lot of guilt... I feel like I made him get tired of me or something like that. And at the same time, I know I have always been respectful of his time and needs, so why wouldn't I deserve the same in return?
Perhaps feeling guilty is a pattern for me?
I need to go back to therapy...
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Feeling overly responsible for how others feel is one symptom of codependency.
He was not respectful of your time and for a worrisome reason. There is no reason for you to feel guilty for holding your ground...heck, you should be proud of yourself!
Therapy, yes? And do some reading here and elsewhere about codependency.
Sending you a hug.
He was not respectful of your time and for a worrisome reason. There is no reason for you to feel guilty for holding your ground...heck, you should be proud of yourself!
Therapy, yes? And do some reading here and elsewhere about codependency.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
WOW, way to go, very proud of you moving out on your own!!!! ((hugs))
This is not the guy for you! Let him go and don’t look back. This is what dating is all about and you put 6 months into it and it doesn’t sound like this guy is the one for you. He sounds like the guy with a big red blinking neon sign over his head saying WARNING RED FLAG…..do not proceed further......
This is not the guy for you! Let him go and don’t look back. This is what dating is all about and you put 6 months into it and it doesn’t sound like this guy is the one for you. He sounds like the guy with a big red blinking neon sign over his head saying WARNING RED FLAG…..do not proceed further......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by maia1234 
You are currently on your own right now anyway. What "kind" things are you doing for yourself during "his" seperation?
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