shauna71

Hi there! Let me just start by saying how grateful I am to have found this site. This is my very first post. I'm finally taking my first steps in going no-contact my ex-boyfriend (it's been three days) and my heart is absolutely shattered. He was an alcoholic when we entered into the relationship and I was naive enough to believe that our love would conquer all of our issues .... I am so very, very co-dependent! We were together for four and a half years. He was sober (although the more I read, the more I would simply say that he simply just wasn't drinking) for a year and a half and then started again in February. By April, I had chosen to leave - for myself, for the good of my children, because I want to live a fulfilling life, because I want to set a healthy example for my boys (he is not their father), because I want to be happy. He, of course, has continued to contact me and I have maintained calls and seen him a few times. Why? Because while I know that leaving an unhealthy relationship is the very best decision for me, there is a part of me that feels very guilty (I should have done more), a part of me that feels like a failure (there was ... and still is ... so much love between us, why couldn't it work) and a part of me that is still clinging to a teeny, tiny shred of hope that this could all get better.

I know this is madness, I know that there is a beautiful life just waiting for me, if I give myself the permission to reach for it - I have already made so much progress this year. No surprise that when I started really working on my issues and making some major, major breakthroughs (and changes) - that's when he started drinking again. The truth is that I wish I could still share it all with him. I wish that he would heal himself. I wish that things had worked out for us.

And ... I'm also really frustrated with myself ... frustrated that I refused to pay attention to the red flags, frustrated that I'm still even hoping, frustrated that I put myself through such hell. Now that I've gone no-contact (and the boys are with their dad for a couple of weeks), I have a lot of time on my hands ... and I want to use it productively. I'm eating well, I'm exercising, I'm putting my house in order, I'm meditating, I'm writing., I'm in therapy. What else can I do to heal myself? Is there anything that I'm missing?

Nola0250

Sending you big hugs. I am new, too. You will get all kinds of great advice here. listen to it.

It doesn't matter how much love there is between you. You can't fix it. You did the right thing for you and your kids. Being with him as he is right now won't help him, and it will hurt you. What else can you do to heal yourself? Exactly what you're doing right now. Getting yourself to a community of people who can understand what you are going through and help to support you. Like this forum, and maybe consider Al Anon. I just went to my first meeting today, and it was really helpful. I had thought about it for a few weeks, and actually picked a meeting to go to, but I might now have actually gotten myself there if someone hadn't responded to one of my posts here and suggested it, right at the time I was trying to get up the courage/motivation to go.

Welcome! You are exactly where you need to be.

dandylion

shauna...you have made a lot of progress.....
And, such a good thing for your boys.....
So glad to hear that you are willing to go through the short-term pain for the long -term gain.....

Please take a look at the following link....now, that you have some time on your hands.......
knowledge is power......

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Shauna. You got this. I love the 2nd paragraph of your post. It sounds like you're aware of how much progress you've made. And it's OK to wish things had turned out differently. To wish things had turned out well. It doesn't mean you're not moving forward. I certainly don't see that tendency in your post at all. ((((hugs))))

maia1234

Shauna,
You got this my friend!!

You are no different then an addict taking another drink, its just not healthy for you, you have to stop. You have to abstain. Block him from your phone, email, and all social media. Every time you want to engage with him, come and read here, post here. Reach out for support here or an alanon meeting. We all get it, and having a relationship with an addict is painful. We are here to talk you out of reaching out. As they say in aa take one day at a time, just go another day not engaging with him. Then it will be a week. Every time you engage it's like starting again at day one and those day ones are painful.

Hugs my friend, you are stronger then you think!!

shauna71

Thank you, thank you, thank you. For the posts, for the reading material, for the encouragement. The past two days have felt absolutely brutal. Not all day - but there are moments when my sadness is so intense, so very, very painful. As I mentioned, I've got some time to myself right now and I'm using it to welcome everything that I need to feel - my disappointment, my sadness, my love, my grief, my freedom. It's all crashing down on me.

Yesterday, I finally realized: I kept going back, hoping he would change, hoping that things would be different, that he would finally see the light. I kept up my side of the pattern (What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different result). And it was just causing more frustration, more anger, more disappointment and hurt for both of us. I now understand that I'm the one who needs and wants to change: not because I'm mean, not because I'm asking for too much, not because I'm being irrational, or bitchy or bitter.

If I don't do something differently I'm the one who is going to get even more hurt, I'm the one who would eventually lose my mind, I'm the one who will lose all the colour and light and love from my life. I've changed because I simply want more, because unlike my alcoholic, I don't want to die. And it is a frightening and exhilarating feeling, and right now, it hurts so very, very much.

And the funny thing is that when I'm swept up in a wave of grief I'm not sure exactly what I am crying over. I do not want this relationship anymore - it is dysfunctional and abusive, it is a horrible power struggle that brings us nothing. It is the palest shadow of what we used to be. During his last active periods, I could still find stretches of almost-sobriety, there were times when I could still find the man I loved. This time, it's all gone - he is gone. We (my sons, his son, his ex-wife, his brother and sister, his friends and myself) have lost him, he has lost himself (which is even worse). Over the past few weeks, I have tried so hard to find him, to find that beautiful man who made me laugh, who loved me, who was so strong and made me feel so very, very safe. But he isn't there anymore.

I almost wrote him today - but it won't help either of us. I decided to write here instead. This hurts like hell, but starting all over again at Day One would be even worse.

I've never been part of a forum before, so I'm not sure how to acknowledge each of these posts, but I just want to say how much your support means to me right now. Thank you. Truly, thank you.

Ariesagain

Sending you a lot of hugs.

Some things just have to be slogged through. Good for you for riding it out...it's the only path to daylight.

But that pain is real. It's been decades for me but I remember it too well.

Ice cream, chocolate and Netflix. (No romcoms...think vengeance plots and bad monster movies...the Lake Placid series is particularly helpful...when the giant mutant anaconda sticks its head in the window of the car being attacked by the giant mutant crocodile...in Maine...well, sometimes totally absurd is a great healer!)

Wishing you peace of mind...

maia1234

Shauna,
I am so proud of you. It does hurt, absolutely. Change is hard!! Someone told me on this forum, it hurts so bad that you never want to experience this pain again. All I can say, is that you will be OK!!

Hugs!!

dandylion

shauna.....you are, naturally, grieving.....Necessary, expected, and so painful...like tearing flesh from bone, sometimes....
Trust me, you are not the first to find yourself in fetal position ....in an ocean of tears (like...maybe, me?).....
The thing is...this pain will come to an end...over time....
Remaining where you were...it would go on forever and just get worse.....

Just try to get through each 48hrs. at a time....and count each one as a victory....
You will get through this, better than you think...just don't give up....