Now AH is depressed
Dee at Mt Bully
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Now AH is depressed 
My AH that hasn't been drinking for about 5 weeks is nowvery depressed. I'm sure this is a normal side affect but he refuses to see
that he is depressed. He won't talk to our Dr. about it and he won't have anthing to do with AA or any other support group. What a mess. He has
no support group and to be honest I can't deal with his refusal to try to
help himself.
we go to counseling and she thinks he needs help too, but he is soooo
stubbron. I don't see how the counseling or the sobriety will help if he does
not work on the whole enchilade. Right now I feel like I have a sober drunk
who is weeping and pouting around. Any Ideas? You all help sooooo
much. Smiles Dee
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Dee
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this pain.
"Right now I feel like I have a sober drunk who is weeping and pouting around". That's because that's exactly what you have! There is a big difference between not drinking and being in recovery.
As I'm sure you've gathered from reading on here, you can't force him to get help. He needs to do that all by himself. There is nothing to be gained in you stressing about him (easier said than done, I know). If you keep the focus on YOU and what you can do for YOU today, you can learn to find contentment regardless of what your husband is, or isn't, doing.
My A b/f was dry for about the same length of time just recently. At the same time, I had a few lightbulb moments regarding detaching and keeping my hands off his problem. I really had given him back his problem. Then one day, he announced that he was going to AA that evening and has been to 5 meetings so far. I know it is early days, however I am certainly feeling more comfortable in my own skin now. And I know that I have the tools to deal with a relapse if it comes.
Keep reading here and keep posting - it has saved my sanity on countless occasions.
We're all here for you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this pain.
"Right now I feel like I have a sober drunk who is weeping and pouting around". That's because that's exactly what you have! There is a big difference between not drinking and being in recovery.
As I'm sure you've gathered from reading on here, you can't force him to get help. He needs to do that all by himself. There is nothing to be gained in you stressing about him (easier said than done, I know). If you keep the focus on YOU and what you can do for YOU today, you can learn to find contentment regardless of what your husband is, or isn't, doing.
My A b/f was dry for about the same length of time just recently. At the same time, I had a few lightbulb moments regarding detaching and keeping my hands off his problem. I really had given him back his problem. Then one day, he announced that he was going to AA that evening and has been to 5 meetings so far. I know it is early days, however I am certainly feeling more comfortable in my own skin now. And I know that I have the tools to deal with a relapse if it comes.
Keep reading here and keep posting - it has saved my sanity on countless occasions.
We're all here for you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
papagalo
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LOS ANGELES, CA
Posts: 16
I'm new, but wanted to speak to you...
Your AH & my AH have WAAAAAAAY too much in common. Believe it or not, I DREAM OF BEING IN YOUR SHOES!!! FOR ME THAT WOULD BE PROGRESS IF MY AH STOPPED DRINKING FOR 5 WEEKS!!! That would be at the top of my gratitude list every day!!! My AH wants to get his drinking down to 2 beers a day...he doesn't think he needs to stop and doesn't get it when he means to drink 2 and drinks 10!!!
Also, my AH refuses to go to counselling!!! He says in his culture it's not done, it means you're crazy or need to be in an insane asylum. So he won't do it. That stubbornness. That digging of the heels into the ground and clenching onto everything so he doesn't have to move, change, or GET HELP!!! Minnie is right, there IS a big difference between not drinking and being in recovery. At least your AH goes to counselling...even if he doesn't believe what he's hearing right now, he could not be in counselling at all!!!
I don't mean to minimize your frustration, and you have a right to feel that way. It's just that what you have, frustrating though it may be, that's the next step UP for me!!! My AH is SURROUNDED by unhealthy drinkers. All of his friends are heavy drinkers. I don't know of one who isn't looking forward to several beers after work. The drinking is obscene. And the amount of beer they consume IN FRONT OF THEIR YOUNG CHILDREN is horrible. But like your AH, mine doesn't think he has a problem and he'd rather sniff the crack of an elephant's butt than admit that he needs support/help. He thinks he can do it alone! HA!
Your AH has stopped drinking for 5 whole weeks?! Girl, I pray for such a gift! That may sound butt-backwards, but it's true. I pray that my AH could stop drinking for 5 weeks so he can feel the depression and see that it's not normal to be deeply depressed in the absence of beer.
I wish you all the success in keeping the focus on you and being strong in this trying time. I know it's hard, sweetie.
Also, my AH refuses to go to counselling!!! He says in his culture it's not done, it means you're crazy or need to be in an insane asylum. So he won't do it. That stubbornness. That digging of the heels into the ground and clenching onto everything so he doesn't have to move, change, or GET HELP!!! Minnie is right, there IS a big difference between not drinking and being in recovery. At least your AH goes to counselling...even if he doesn't believe what he's hearing right now, he could not be in counselling at all!!!
I don't mean to minimize your frustration, and you have a right to feel that way. It's just that what you have, frustrating though it may be, that's the next step UP for me!!! My AH is SURROUNDED by unhealthy drinkers. All of his friends are heavy drinkers. I don't know of one who isn't looking forward to several beers after work. The drinking is obscene. And the amount of beer they consume IN FRONT OF THEIR YOUNG CHILDREN is horrible. But like your AH, mine doesn't think he has a problem and he'd rather sniff the crack of an elephant's butt than admit that he needs support/help. He thinks he can do it alone! HA!
Your AH has stopped drinking for 5 whole weeks?! Girl, I pray for such a gift! That may sound butt-backwards, but it's true. I pray that my AH could stop drinking for 5 weeks so he can feel the depression and see that it's not normal to be deeply depressed in the absence of beer.
I wish you all the success in keeping the focus on you and being strong in this trying time. I know it's hard, sweetie.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Just like the drinking, there's nothing you can do about the depression either.
It's his thing to deal with and get help with.
You need to deal with how it's affecting you.
It's hard to be around someone who is depressed all the time.
No matter how much recovery you've got, it can bring you down too.
Can you get out and do something fun that's just for you?
Even if you only do this a few times a week, it will be a nice break for you and will probably lift your spirits.
It's his thing to deal with and get help with.
You need to deal with how it's affecting you.
It's hard to be around someone who is depressed all the time.
No matter how much recovery you've got, it can bring you down too.
Can you get out and do something fun that's just for you?
Even if you only do this a few times a week, it will be a nice break for you and will probably lift your spirits.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sulphur LA
Posts: 47
I agree with the other posts ... your focus should be on YOU ... not him. Offer his situation up to your HP and trust him/her to handle it.
The only thing I can think of that ~might~ be of benefit is maybe you could work on your attitude around him. If you worry about him then maybe he is even more depressed because he isn't "measuring up"? If he sees you moping around he probably thinks you are unhappy because of him. Try to be cheerful in his presence. Maybe even tell him on occassion how proud you are of his staying dry this long.
I've read that it takes about a year for the effects of alcohol to disipate and that seems to hold true in our case. Try to be patient. Work on you.
The only thing I can think of that ~might~ be of benefit is maybe you could work on your attitude around him. If you worry about him then maybe he is even more depressed because he isn't "measuring up"? If he sees you moping around he probably thinks you are unhappy because of him. Try to be cheerful in his presence. Maybe even tell him on occassion how proud you are of his staying dry this long.
I've read that it takes about a year for the effects of alcohol to disipate and that seems to hold true in our case. Try to be patient. Work on you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
My now EX AH (divorce was final in Sept, YES), quit drinking(w/o any program) the day I asked for a divorce ,
got very depressed,
blamed it on me,
went thru a 6 week program called The Right Step.
He got no help from me. Talk about detatch to the max, I did.
Got put on Zoloft by his doctor,has been on Zoloft for over a year. You can not **** this guy off now. He is in la-la land.
Maybe Zoloft is the answer, they simply zone out, but do ya really want that?
Not if ya have to live with them.
I found it very distrubing when he was still living here and taking it. Me or the kids could say anything to the guy and he would just sit there and blow it off. Everything is o.k. when you are on that drug.
got very depressed,
blamed it on me,
went thru a 6 week program called The Right Step.
He got no help from me. Talk about detatch to the max, I did.
Got put on Zoloft by his doctor,has been on Zoloft for over a year. You can not **** this guy off now. He is in la-la land.
Maybe Zoloft is the answer, they simply zone out, but do ya really want that?
Not if ya have to live with them.
I found it very distrubing when he was still living here and taking it. Me or the kids could say anything to the guy and he would just sit there and blow it off. Everything is o.k. when you are on that drug.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
My husband has chronic depression/anxiety which played a large part in his drinking. Ihave to disagree with some of the above posts - I DON'T believe we're powerless to help with depression. We can't cure it, we can't have power over it but we can do somethings that help the person who lives with it.
Just for a tiny bit of background my hubby had a VERY bad experience with anti depressents - I doubt he would seek medical help again unless it was forced on him - but he has learned to cope. He knows he gets depresses but mostly in retrospect - at the time he'll say he's just tired or use anything to deny what's happening.
I did LOADS of research into depression - that helped, getting the facts and dispensing with some of the myths. Anyway, please check this out with your counsellor or doctor but here's what I' do:
1. I know when he's depressed his confidence is on the floor - he'll be calling himself names and feeling like he will fail at whatever he tries. SO I act as the other voice I write down what I love about him, I try to praise and say thank you for every positive thing he does, I use touch to show there's no anger, (and when there is I use a depression forum and calm down first). I remind him that he's already fought an incredible battle with booze - one that many people never even manage to begin.
2. I try to cook fresh food - I've no idea what comes in processed food but there's lots of research to suggest food influences mood - if I cook it I know what went in it.
3. VIP (I think) I reduce my expectations. Depression often makes people very tired and lethargic, so I stop expecting an equal partnership for a while - it just doesn't help to be frustrated at an illness. I don't mean I let him off the hook, I still have expectations but I start from where he's at and take it in small steps. Actually it's satisfying to see small changes that way.
4. I'm honest with him. He might say he's just tired but I will point out that he's been tired for a while and sleeping more isn't helping. I say when I think he's depressed, but I don't add doing a whole load of things he'll find hard onto the end of it. If everytime you talk about depression you also ask him to get help - he'll deny being depressed to avoid the next part of the conversation. One step at a time, first of all to realise there's an illness involved, then some empathy and reassurance THEN suggesting what might help.
5. I researched how to argue without it getting out of hand. I think if you live with someone who's depressed you HAVE TO avoid blazing rows. People say one thing and think another when they're ill, they say it's your fault just to hear you say it's theirs which confirms their opinion of themselves - ie, I'm not depressed I'm just a lazy, useless, worthless piece of crap. There are tools and disciplines you can use to help keep arguments away from any form of mud slinging. I don't always succeed but when I do I've found when I can understand my hubby doesn't mean what he's just said to me, so I don't respond with anger - he apologises 10 seconds later anyway!!
6. Lastly - this might be individual for me. I married a man with a disability, I don't care whether the experts call it an illness, it's been there all his life and HE'S had to fight it all his life. He's been aguaraphobic, and got himself back out the house and back to work, he had selective mutism (severe stammer enough to stop speech altogether under stress) as a child but now speaks on the whole clearly. He's been full time drunk but fought his way out of that too. This man is the strongest bugger I've ever met and I'm damn proud to have him as my husband. Right from the start I asked if he would give me the right to be proud of him - sometimes he lets me
.
What I haven't listed above is all the mistakes I've made, all the times I've acted like a selfish git, the times when even knowing what he's going through I've lost my temper. I'm a million miles off perfect!! None of the above will 'cure' depression but it may help you live with it until he's ready to get treated.
My hubby has to get to the point he realises it's getting out of hand (he sort of always has some but there's may 2 or 3 bouts a year where it starts to make him really ill). When he realises what's happening he fights it tooth and nail - all credit to him he usually kicks it up the ass!!
Just for a tiny bit of background my hubby had a VERY bad experience with anti depressents - I doubt he would seek medical help again unless it was forced on him - but he has learned to cope. He knows he gets depresses but mostly in retrospect - at the time he'll say he's just tired or use anything to deny what's happening.
I did LOADS of research into depression - that helped, getting the facts and dispensing with some of the myths. Anyway, please check this out with your counsellor or doctor but here's what I' do:
1. I know when he's depressed his confidence is on the floor - he'll be calling himself names and feeling like he will fail at whatever he tries. SO I act as the other voice I write down what I love about him, I try to praise and say thank you for every positive thing he does, I use touch to show there's no anger, (and when there is I use a depression forum and calm down first). I remind him that he's already fought an incredible battle with booze - one that many people never even manage to begin.
2. I try to cook fresh food - I've no idea what comes in processed food but there's lots of research to suggest food influences mood - if I cook it I know what went in it.
3. VIP (I think) I reduce my expectations. Depression often makes people very tired and lethargic, so I stop expecting an equal partnership for a while - it just doesn't help to be frustrated at an illness. I don't mean I let him off the hook, I still have expectations but I start from where he's at and take it in small steps. Actually it's satisfying to see small changes that way.
4. I'm honest with him. He might say he's just tired but I will point out that he's been tired for a while and sleeping more isn't helping. I say when I think he's depressed, but I don't add doing a whole load of things he'll find hard onto the end of it. If everytime you talk about depression you also ask him to get help - he'll deny being depressed to avoid the next part of the conversation. One step at a time, first of all to realise there's an illness involved, then some empathy and reassurance THEN suggesting what might help.
5. I researched how to argue without it getting out of hand. I think if you live with someone who's depressed you HAVE TO avoid blazing rows. People say one thing and think another when they're ill, they say it's your fault just to hear you say it's theirs which confirms their opinion of themselves - ie, I'm not depressed I'm just a lazy, useless, worthless piece of crap. There are tools and disciplines you can use to help keep arguments away from any form of mud slinging. I don't always succeed but when I do I've found when I can understand my hubby doesn't mean what he's just said to me, so I don't respond with anger - he apologises 10 seconds later anyway!!
6. Lastly - this might be individual for me. I married a man with a disability, I don't care whether the experts call it an illness, it's been there all his life and HE'S had to fight it all his life. He's been aguaraphobic, and got himself back out the house and back to work, he had selective mutism (severe stammer enough to stop speech altogether under stress) as a child but now speaks on the whole clearly. He's been full time drunk but fought his way out of that too. This man is the strongest bugger I've ever met and I'm damn proud to have him as my husband. Right from the start I asked if he would give me the right to be proud of him - sometimes he lets me
.What I haven't listed above is all the mistakes I've made, all the times I've acted like a selfish git, the times when even knowing what he's going through I've lost my temper. I'm a million miles off perfect!! None of the above will 'cure' depression but it may help you live with it until he's ready to get treated.
My hubby has to get to the point he realises it's getting out of hand (he sort of always has some but there's may 2 or 3 bouts a year where it starts to make him really ill). When he realises what's happening he fights it tooth and nail - all credit to him he usually kicks it up the ass!!
Dee at Mt Bully
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
WOW! All of you have great comments and a lot of help. Papagola--you're right
I should be happier and more positive about the 5 weeks of sobriety. I think I'm
not trusting that he can continue to not drink without some personnel plan and
even though he doesn't smell like beer right now he acts pretty much the same as before with some added depression. We talked a lot about the depression issue
in counseling last night and I know Lori (counselor) believes he is depressed also.
Girl you have to be careful what you wish for. lol--you might get it. I really like
this web sight it is great to share with all of you. Thank you all--Dee
I should be happier and more positive about the 5 weeks of sobriety. I think I'm
not trusting that he can continue to not drink without some personnel plan and
even though he doesn't smell like beer right now he acts pretty much the same as before with some added depression. We talked a lot about the depression issue
in counseling last night and I know Lori (counselor) believes he is depressed also.
Girl you have to be careful what you wish for. lol--you might get it. I really like
this web sight it is great to share with all of you. Thank you all--Dee
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Finding a balance is a struggle that everyone has. I always thought that if the people in my life were happy, I'd be happy. I realize now that I can't find a person who doesn't struggle with life. I kept running away from one struggling person only to find another struggling person. Now I realize that I have to focus on my own stuggle, no matter who I have in my life. I have to work to find balance within myself.
There is no perfect place I can get to where I won't have to work on this. There are times that are easier than others, but they aren't permanent. This is a lifelong process. Al-Anon has given me some tools which help greatly. Detachment, support, forgiveness of myself and others, strength to make decisions, the responsibility for my own happiness. These are tools, but I still have to learn to use them and be willing to work.
Some people in my life are so detrimental I had to let them go. I wasn't able to do this all at once. It took time and healing and support to have the strength to say I couldn't take it. I don't have to blame them for being detrimental. I just realize that I can't take it. Some people give more good than bad to my life. For those, I have learned to take the good with the bad, and deal with it in the best way I can.
I used to focus on the bad in my life. I focussed on avoiding the bad so much that I couldn't enjoy the good. There is a lot of good there, if I choose to see it. Gratitude and forgiveness free me to experience the fullness life offers. Facing the hard things instead of avoiding them allows me to let them go and move on.
Sobriety isn't the "fix" to all our struggles. Stopping drinking is a neccessity for the alcoholic to begin dealing with life. But they are ignorant as to how to deal with it. All I can do is try to be an example, and an encouragement. Their struggle is theirs, and I can't do it for them. There is a purpose for us all. There is a lesson in each struggle. Life is full of lessons. I can be mad at someone for not learning their lessons, or I can encourage them to keep trying. If someone got mad at me everytime I had a hard time learning, I would be very defeated. I try to remember that with those in my life. They may not be where I wish they were, but if they are trying, I'm not going to slam them for their struggle.
It's frustrating. It's scary. We may never have the perfect spouse, or child, or friend, or parent. But we can try to find the good in them, and rejoice. We can mourn their pain and not let it engulf us. We can feel the anger without making emotional baggage out of it. We can find the support and love to get us through our struggles. We don't have to go through this alone. Hugs, Magic
There is no perfect place I can get to where I won't have to work on this. There are times that are easier than others, but they aren't permanent. This is a lifelong process. Al-Anon has given me some tools which help greatly. Detachment, support, forgiveness of myself and others, strength to make decisions, the responsibility for my own happiness. These are tools, but I still have to learn to use them and be willing to work.
Some people in my life are so detrimental I had to let them go. I wasn't able to do this all at once. It took time and healing and support to have the strength to say I couldn't take it. I don't have to blame them for being detrimental. I just realize that I can't take it. Some people give more good than bad to my life. For those, I have learned to take the good with the bad, and deal with it in the best way I can.
I used to focus on the bad in my life. I focussed on avoiding the bad so much that I couldn't enjoy the good. There is a lot of good there, if I choose to see it. Gratitude and forgiveness free me to experience the fullness life offers. Facing the hard things instead of avoiding them allows me to let them go and move on.
Sobriety isn't the "fix" to all our struggles. Stopping drinking is a neccessity for the alcoholic to begin dealing with life. But they are ignorant as to how to deal with it. All I can do is try to be an example, and an encouragement. Their struggle is theirs, and I can't do it for them. There is a purpose for us all. There is a lesson in each struggle. Life is full of lessons. I can be mad at someone for not learning their lessons, or I can encourage them to keep trying. If someone got mad at me everytime I had a hard time learning, I would be very defeated. I try to remember that with those in my life. They may not be where I wish they were, but if they are trying, I'm not going to slam them for their struggle.
It's frustrating. It's scary. We may never have the perfect spouse, or child, or friend, or parent. But we can try to find the good in them, and rejoice. We can mourn their pain and not let it engulf us. We can feel the anger without making emotional baggage out of it. We can find the support and love to get us through our struggles. We don't have to go through this alone. Hugs, Magic
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
