equus

Hi

Don't know if you remember me from about a week ago? My husband had a very serious drink problem about ten years ago, enough to destroy his life at the time. For the last ten years he's got better and better but trying to drink only a little just isn't worth the effort that goes into it - and it was starting to creep up. Because of this we stopped altogether 10 days ago (I always said I would stop with him).

Stuff has gone really well, he asked if we could have a beer on Friday but I just said that I wanted us to stick with it so he had a cup of tea instead! We even went out for a meal on Sunday with friends who were drinking (they were very discrete though), it was really good and I certainly didn't miss the booze at all. I'm never really sure how D (hubby) feels because he never really moans about anything (the kind of person who still says don't worry I'm fine with their head down the loo!!).

My question is this - we've got some friends, like the ones we went to see at the weekend who're very sensitive and a few who aren't. The ones that aren't are lovely straight up people - but what you see is what you get and they DRINK. We've talked about it and neither of us want to loose them as friends - whatever happens we want to give mixing drinkers and non drinkers a go, because they're valuable to us as people. Any tips on how to begin to do this?

I know some organisations advise new friends but we both feel very strongly that good people are irreplacible and definately not disposable.

Lorelai

Hi equus -
I have no experience with an H who has stopped drinking but, here's what I know from dealing with an A.

His recovery is his. "We" aren't sticking with anything. It's all up to him - his choices. I think that I would ask him how he feels about going out with your friends and let him decide what he wants to do. If he thinks he is endangering his recovery by being around people that drink, that is up to him. You can certainly support his decision - but you can't make it.

It is possible to make yourself crazy trying to police his recovery. He is going to drink or not drink based entirely on his choices. It's not up to you to handle it for him.
Just my opinion - L

equus

Sorry the we probably does look a little odd....

When he said he wanted to go t-total I said I would too. I might not have been addicted in the past but I'm also getting used to not drinking on social occasions. For me it's easier than I thought because I've got the mother of all incentives (there's no way I would drink while he can't). I do leave most of the decisions re what's puts stopping at risk up to him. Whether he drinks or not is down to him, whether I drink or not is down to me but WE have stopped, and we want the best chance of staying stopped.

I suppose I was just looking for any tips.

Karivan

Hi equus. I think you're jepordizing your recovery by seeing these friends so soon. If a friendship can't survive a separation of a few months or they just have to drink in front of you, then how good of friends are they? Are you close enough to them to tell them about your recovery and leave the decision up to them? If they have to drink in front of you knowing what you're going through, these aren't supportive friends.

Your recovery should come first. Take care of yourself first.

equus

I've given this so much thought. I really don't believe our friends lack of sensitivity is because she (mainly just one person) doesn't care, I think she hasn't got a clue!! She emailed me to say she understood because as a non-smoker she finds the smell hard around smokers (although she's never smoked), she also said that it must be like having an ex you keep seeing. She was a uni with us years ago at the hight of my husbands drinking - but then again she's a heavy drinker herself and it's just never lost her anything so she doesn't see it as a problem.

I wrote her another mail, trying to explain that I know she doesn't understand and that I haven't done much to help that. I've explained a bit more about it and been pretty blunt that it's bloody dangerous for D to drink and that I'm not going to drink either because it's kind of the least I can do to help.

I've asked her to do a little reading about it herself because I don't want her to misunderstand what's happening. I've told her that for now we might or might not mix depending on whether D is confident he's happy with it (to be honest since we stopped - I've got absolutely no desire to drink, I could have pints going past on a convayer belt and I wouldn't want one!). I've told her it isn't about wanting her or anyone else to stop - just that it's serious and we can't put having a laugh before staying off the booze.

Flamin' ada - I keep going to look to see if she's mailed back!!! I hope I've done the right thing, I don't want her walking on eggshells round D - they get on and he'd miss her as a more natural friend. I also suggested she talk to her hubby about it, I think he'd be more clued up and she'd listen to him.