Thoughts on cutting out negative people .
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 177
Thoughts on cutting out negative people .
Hey there soberfriends.
So, there's a few people in my life who can be at best described as pessimists, and they let me know how terrible everything is, a lot.
The thing is, I like them, and I don't think they are doing it maliciously but it's really not helping my anxiety and depression.
I've tried to talk to them and in a polite way said that this focusing on negativity isn't a healthy way of dealing with those things has been met with anger.
So I'm at a point now where I'm at a loss of what to do, I've already cancelled some plans because I just can't deal with it. I don't know, I hope things get better, but I can't have relationships with people who seem to solely use me as a means to vent their frustrations. And ultimately, I know what I'm like, I know that letting my mind get into a spiral of dark thoughts is when I start thinking about drinking, and I just can't risk that.
So, there's a few people in my life who can be at best described as pessimists, and they let me know how terrible everything is, a lot.
The thing is, I like them, and I don't think they are doing it maliciously but it's really not helping my anxiety and depression.
I've tried to talk to them and in a polite way said that this focusing on negativity isn't a healthy way of dealing with those things has been met with anger.
So I'm at a point now where I'm at a loss of what to do, I've already cancelled some plans because I just can't deal with it. I don't know, I hope things get better, but I can't have relationships with people who seem to solely use me as a means to vent their frustrations. And ultimately, I know what I'm like, I know that letting my mind get into a spiral of dark thoughts is when I start thinking about drinking, and I just can't risk that.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
"Hey, ya know Stuart, it's tough for me to be around you when you're like this. How about we reschedule when you're feeling more positive?"
I've said that ^^.
I've hung up (politely) on phone calls that turned vent-y. I use similar language. Sometimes I just walk away to avoid the inevitable backlash - but I know that isn't always possible. I do try not to find myself alone with those people.
I don't have enough years left to deal with that stuff.
How they react is their business.
I've said that ^^.
I've hung up (politely) on phone calls that turned vent-y. I use similar language. Sometimes I just walk away to avoid the inevitable backlash - but I know that isn't always possible. I do try not to find myself alone with those people.
I don't have enough years left to deal with that stuff.
How they react is their business.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
I think we all have those friends. Over the past year plus, when I am with my pessimistic friends I point out the positive to the situation. I also feel grateful to be able to look at the same situation and accept that attitude is totally subjective. Good luck and god bless
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I have heard of people like that being referred to as emotional vampires. I had a few toxic people in my life and I knew, without question, they couldn't remain in my life. Then, the most interesting thing happened. Almost immediately, two amazing women appeared in my life, and became dear friends and mentors. It was almost as if, I just needed to make room for them, and there they were. 
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
I have very little time for negative people. They mostly are complainers and demanding about whatever. Emotional vampires is a good term. I have people like that in my life, but I go to the garage or basement, anywhere to help maintain a positive attitude. They really simply lack hope. But I can't provide it either.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I say it often, here and IRL - I am ruthless about who gets a seat at my table. If you aren't positive, trying to live your best life (whether you are an alcoholic or not) you just don't get my time or attention. Period.
However you do it, IMO distancing yourself from someone(s) who drain you is crucial to living your best life in recovery - I am thinking in particular of one friend who has the same "spiel" he's had for years (about work, the economy, health care, whatever) and is an active alcoholic; he is a good, kind person and he was there for me through a LOT - but he is not a positive addition to my life, at least in his current continuous mindset. My door is always open in the future, but I have detached with love- ie, just text or have contact occasionally, am always positive myself, and don't make plans with him.
A bit of a different example is a super fun and fabulous friend who I was supposed to see today- and our plans would have been really fun. But I was honest with him that I didn't think spending time together would be good for me right now - one reason being that the last time we got together we got pretty drunk (and he used coke). I just don't need that kind of "time" in my day.
My emotional sobriety is the most important thing to me (its balance leads directly back to literal sobriety so it is the key) and only people, places and situations that support it are part of my life.
However you do it, IMO distancing yourself from someone(s) who drain you is crucial to living your best life in recovery - I am thinking in particular of one friend who has the same "spiel" he's had for years (about work, the economy, health care, whatever) and is an active alcoholic; he is a good, kind person and he was there for me through a LOT - but he is not a positive addition to my life, at least in his current continuous mindset. My door is always open in the future, but I have detached with love- ie, just text or have contact occasionally, am always positive myself, and don't make plans with him.
A bit of a different example is a super fun and fabulous friend who I was supposed to see today- and our plans would have been really fun. But I was honest with him that I didn't think spending time together would be good for me right now - one reason being that the last time we got together we got pretty drunk (and he used coke). I just don't need that kind of "time" in my day.
My emotional sobriety is the most important thing to me (its balance leads directly back to literal sobriety so it is the key) and only people, places and situations that support it are part of my life.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Geordie Land
Posts: 380
I think it's wrong to look upon people who are unlucky enough to be pessimists as toxic or emotional vampires. We are all different, we all have different outlooks on life, some people think glass half full, some half empty etc etc. I can listen to people vent about their troubles without immersing myself in them. If I am going to stay alcohol free, I am going to have to deal with everything and everybody that comes my way without running away.
It's different if a person is being deliberatly nasty to me, I would stay away from that, but to expect everyone to be a certain way just because I want them to is unrealistic to me.
It's different if a person is being deliberatly nasty to me, I would stay away from that, but to expect everyone to be a certain way just because I want them to is unrealistic to me.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
I agree with mandypandy that a broad-brush labeling of people of "toxic" or as "psychic vampires" is unfair. But neither is it about "running away" or about expecting people to change their behavior. For me, it's about identifying my limitations and setting boundaries for behavior I'm able and willing to accommodate. I've spent too much time and effort in recovery striving to become a better person to allow my efforts to be undermined by people whose negative personality traits are simply too strong for me to cope with.
I recently had to end a long-term friendship with someone who has many sterling qualities, but with what became -- for me -- a fatal character flaw which was causing me increasing distress. I did my best to cope with this behavior and not let it get to me, but in the end, I regrettably had to conclude that the game wasn't worth the candle. I tried once to bring up the topic of her off-putting behavior in a respectful, constructive way, but her response was along the lines of "hey, I yam what I yam -- like it or lump it." So, with much distress and regret -- for my limitations, not hers -- I had to cut off contact with her.
Her negative behavior trait became a problem for me only after I sobered up and had to put a higher priority on being around people who shared the value system to which I'm required to adhere in order to keep my recovery on track.
I recently had to end a long-term friendship with someone who has many sterling qualities, but with what became -- for me -- a fatal character flaw which was causing me increasing distress. I did my best to cope with this behavior and not let it get to me, but in the end, I regrettably had to conclude that the game wasn't worth the candle. I tried once to bring up the topic of her off-putting behavior in a respectful, constructive way, but her response was along the lines of "hey, I yam what I yam -- like it or lump it." So, with much distress and regret -- for my limitations, not hers -- I had to cut off contact with her.
Her negative behavior trait became a problem for me only after I sobered up and had to put a higher priority on being around people who shared the value system to which I'm required to adhere in order to keep my recovery on track.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
I didn't plan to cut negative people out of my life when I got sober. It just happened. Sobriety brings a freshness and positivity to every day that doesn't mesh well with negativity.
If someone is being negative because they have a genuine problem, I will always try to help. But if someone is being negative just to be negative, I can't spend too much time in their company and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We're all drawn towards different types of personality and I just naturally veer towards positive people.
If someone is being negative because they have a genuine problem, I will always try to help. But if someone is being negative just to be negative, I can't spend too much time in their company and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We're all drawn towards different types of personality and I just naturally veer towards positive people.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
A big part of my path to sobriety has been learning what it means to truly love and take care of myself. A lot of this is physical, but emotional care-taking is equally important!
Taking care of yourself sometimes means that you need to set up boundaries that you previously didn't have the strength or confidence to establish. This, for me, meant doing an inventory of the people in my life. Who truly cares about my wellbeing? Who will accept me and build me up, even now that I have 'changed' into a sober person that isn't recognizable to the old pals?
The truth is, as previously stated, your sobriety and happiness are now your #1 priority, and if that means a little bit of spring cleaning- so be it!!!
There are plenty of ways to reduce how much energy you place on old friendships without being unkind or hurtful. I've also noticed that once your frequency is consistently in the 'highs' you'll naturally attract like-minded people and weed out the ones that aren't a good energetic match for you!!!
Taking care of yourself sometimes means that you need to set up boundaries that you previously didn't have the strength or confidence to establish. This, for me, meant doing an inventory of the people in my life. Who truly cares about my wellbeing? Who will accept me and build me up, even now that I have 'changed' into a sober person that isn't recognizable to the old pals?
The truth is, as previously stated, your sobriety and happiness are now your #1 priority, and if that means a little bit of spring cleaning- so be it!!!
There are plenty of ways to reduce how much energy you place on old friendships without being unkind or hurtful. I've also noticed that once your frequency is consistently in the 'highs' you'll naturally attract like-minded people and weed out the ones that aren't a good energetic match for you!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: LI, NY
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by Outonthetiles 
I want high energy, positive people in my life.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i have a hulahoop. in it is every part of my life; my friends,family obligations,health..........
it spins rather nicely and is well balanced.
every now and then the hula hoop gets off balance and starts falling down my legs.
sometimes its because i dragged something in that throws off the balance.
sometimes its because something inside the hulahoop is throwing off the balance.
either way, its not nice when the hula hoop isnt well balanced and i must act to balance it back out.
__________________________________________________ ____________________________________
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
it spins rather nicely and is well balanced.
every now and then the hula hoop gets off balance and starts falling down my legs.
sometimes its because i dragged something in that throws off the balance.
sometimes its because something inside the hulahoop is throwing off the balance.
either way, its not nice when the hula hoop isnt well balanced and i must act to balance it back out.
__________________________________________________ ____________________________________
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
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