Sasha1972

I was really hoping this wouldn't happen. Tonight Kid was supposed to visit ex. Just as we were getting ready to leave, I got a positive SoberLink test report (i.e. ex's breath test was positive for the presence of alcohol). Over the course of the next hour I received four more positive retests. So he had been drinking when he knew that Kid was coming. And this was after he had committed in mediation to not drinking, and with the knowledge that he had agreed that if he didn't comply with SoberLink he would lose access to Kid "immediately and indefinitely". He knew all of that and he still drank. I will never ever as long as I live understand what goes on in addict's heads.

I had to tell Kid that she wasn't going to see her father. She put up a bit of a protest, saying maybe it was just mouthwash. However, when she knew he had retested and was still positive for alcohol, she just got very quiet and said she wanted to watch a funny video. She is such a good kid, she deserves so much better.

I'm going to talk to my lawyer on Tuesday morning.

AnvilheadII

addicts are masters of self-sabotage - it feeds their addiction, oh i am such a screw up, might as well drink. i doubt (or at least hope) this was not a deliberate act, but addiction does not play by the rules.

so sorry for you kiddo, hope you both enjoy the funny video...maybe popcorn, ice cream, or just cuddles on the couch.

and sorry for you - i know you have tried to create a path for your ex to still have access to his child - with some safety measures in place. and he can't find his way out of a paper bag with a map and a flashlight.

ladyscribbler

Sending much love to you and Kid. I felt guilty for being relieved that ex decided to leave us alone and go on about his drinking. My dad made the same choice, and it was heartbreaking for me as a child.

Keep your head up. Hope you two are able to have some fun together this weekend.

maia1234

I would say this was deserving of a banana split with sprinkles.

Hugs!!

Seren

Oh, Sasha...I am sorry to hear it. Not, unfortunately, entirely surprised by this turn of events. Still, your daughter does not deserve any of this. I hope that the funny video helped and perhaps aided by some caramel popcorn or ice cream. Sending hugs for you and your daughter and prayers for you all.

Maudcat

Sorry, Sasha, for the situation, but glad you have SoberLink.
Your daughter will get it. Sounds like she kinda does now.
All you can do is be there for her when she inevitably realizes that her dad's drinking is the most important thing in the world for him.

SmallButMighty

My heart breaks for your daughter. This is so sad. That poor girl having to come to terms with her father choosing booze rather than having time with her. I wont type out what I feel about him...

She is lucky to have such an awesome mama!

Here is some (((((hugs))))) for both of you.

Bekindalways

Sounds like Kid is figuring out how to take care of herself. Go Kid! And Go you!

dandylion

Sasha....I can't remember if you have thought of taking her to alateen and/or counseling?

Sasha1972

Yup. She's been going to Alateen for the last couple of months, and fortunately there's a meeting this morning. I also have her in counselling, with a really experienced (and cool and trendy for tween girls) counsellor, but unfortunately she only has appointments every second or third week.

dandylion

Great!!

Sasha1972

Kid is doing a bit better today and is watching a binge of Dance Moms on her phone.

I'm still in a bit of shock. All ex had to do was not drink for roughly three hours twice a week in order to see his daughter, the child that he goes on and on about how much he loves and cares for, etc etc. He only needs to abstain for 4% of the hours in a week. I have no interest in patrolling what he does the rest of the time. He could drink himself into a comatose stupor for the other 162 hours in the week and nobody would care.

So what does he decide to do? Drink during the 4% when he was supposed to visit his daughter. On what planet does that make sense? Are alcoholics really incapable of abstaining for a few hours at a time, or is this some kind of self-sabotaging way of getting out of parenting because it's getting in the way of his addiction? Who knows? Does it matter why?

To me, this reads as him abandoning the basis of joint custody, which is sharing responsibility for the child. He knew what would happen if he drank and had agreed in writing to accept those consequences, he chose to drink anyway. I'm hoping this would be clear to a judge as well.

dandylion

You are expecting him to be logical and responsible.

Sasha1972

I know enough to know he is not logical and responsible - but this stuff is still baffling and mind-blowing when it affects his child. What did he think was going to happen if he drank? (That's a rhetorical question - I know the answer is "he didn't think, he just drank").

biminiblue

Just as a side FYI...I'm a recovered alcoholic and I know that he might still test positive even if he hadn't drank for many hours. I know of someone who got a DUI the next morning after having quit drinking 10 hours or so earlier.

Same with pilots, I know of one who lost his commercial pilots' license and he had not had a drink for over eight hours...(at least, so he says...) Pilots have that "eight hours from bottle to throttle" self-imposed rule - but it takes many hours for excessive alcohol to metabolize. I'm sure you can Google the time frame.

dandylion

Yes, biminiblue....that is true! To expand on that....(for example), a person might stop ingesting 10 or 12 hrs. before blowing to get the level down to (hopefully) zero. ***But, if that person is drinking to that level on a regular basis, it is likely that the person is going to go into very uncomfortable (and dangerous) withdrawl symptoms.....and, they would need to take in more alcohol to keep the withdrawl symptoms away.
I can see where, in some situations, a person may be caught jnto the physical dependency that they might not even be able to use soberlink as a safety measure....
When a person has reached that level of drinking...it may be impossible for them to estimate when their blood level would be zero....
For such a person, medically supervised detox followed by total sobriety, may be the only way to get them "out of the woods".....

***I think that a person in withdrawl is just as bad, supervising a child as one who is drinking.....their anxiety level is high and they can't concentrate and may be irritable, etc....

maia1234

The whole thing stinks.

My axh is pretty stubborn and no one was going to tell him when he could drink or smoke. Not sure if he is just doing this to show you he can do what ever he wants. Ugh.

I'm sorry for your child. But the old saying around here is. When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. You shouldn't be surprised.

Follow the court order and keep extra ice cream on hand, because I am sure this won't be the last time. Hugs!!

hopeful4

So so sorry. Not surprised at all though.

Gentle hugs to you and your daughter!

Sasha1972

I'm sure he loves his daughter. He will go on and on at length about how important she is to him. But when it comes down to "step up and parent" vs "drink", "drink" is winning. Nobody has a gun to his head forcing him to drink. It may FEEL like an overwhelming urge, but it isn't an actual need. He's making a choice to prioritize this urge over everything else.

I've heard of parents who have put everything secondary to their children, parents who have overridden their own "lizard brain" drives for survival, food, shelter, etc in order to protect their kids. My ex isn't likely to ever be among them. He is capable of not going to the liquor store, not buying a forty-ouncer, not opening it and not draining it. Yet he goes to the liquor store etc anyway.

There is really no way around what I learned during the marriage, what his second wife learned, and what Kid is unfortunately learning now - when it comes down to the bottle vs the loved one, he will always choose the bottle. We are simply not as important as his freedom to drink at will.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Sasha. I'm so very sorry that your daughter was faced with her father blowing a visit. That little hope, that "maybe it was just mouthwash" is such a painful one.

I'm in the same boat as you. I will never understand how AXH could make the choices he's made that have resulted in him not seeing our son. 2012 was the last official visit; though, he saw him at my xFIL's funeral in 2015. That's it. Once in 5 years. And my sister had to introduce DS to his Dad several times. Though, to be .... fair?, it sounded like AXH was smashed. DS elected to not sit with his father through the service. AXH may love DS, but he sure doesn't know how to act like it.

Hugs, for you and the Kid.