Never thought I'd be posting here!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 11
Never thought I'd be posting here!
I've been lurking on this site, on and off, for a few years now, as my own drinking waxed and waned. I knew on a "gut level" several years ago that I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but I took solace in the facts that: (1) my own experiments with stopping for fixed periods like 30 or 100 days were almost all successful; (2) I never suffered the kind of spectacular career or relationship flame-outs that some of my friends and associates did; and (3) hard drinking is simply a norm in my past and present career fields (military and law). On some level I expected that the day might come when I'd decide that I had to hang it up for good; but I never thought, even if and when that day came, that I'd be here posting.
In fact, I didn't think even when I started my current run, nine days ago, that I'd be posting here, despite going to the length of creating a "just-in-case" account. Yet here I am...because last night I realized that this was not going to be a cakewalk and I will need advice and input, and this site--despite the differing approaches and opinions of some of its members--has plenty of both to offer.
I said above I'd had some success stopping before, for fixed periods; but I've never been in the position of possibly looking out over the vast expanse of a lifetime without alcohol in it. There's possibly no more, "Six more weeks and you'll be fine; you could stand on your head for six weeks if you needed to," to fall back on. There's no more telling my friends that I'll catch them at happy hour in a month. It's--barring a failure on my part, which I understand is common--forever. And with that, last night, I had a craving unlike one I've ever had before, and I realized that "trial periods" of abstinence, and "forever," are not the same species; they're not cousins; they're not even close.
So here I am, with the realization that grappling with this new, "forever" perspective is going to take some help. I'm here to introduce myself, and to ask how anyone who's been down this road before has dealt with the difference between "[insert number] days" and "forever" has handled it. It's a whole new world view, and I am still trying to come to terms with what I'm seeing, and it would be good to know how others have come to understand and appreciate this view before me. Hello and good morning to all!
In fact, I didn't think even when I started my current run, nine days ago, that I'd be posting here, despite going to the length of creating a "just-in-case" account. Yet here I am...because last night I realized that this was not going to be a cakewalk and I will need advice and input, and this site--despite the differing approaches and opinions of some of its members--has plenty of both to offer.
I said above I'd had some success stopping before, for fixed periods; but I've never been in the position of possibly looking out over the vast expanse of a lifetime without alcohol in it. There's possibly no more, "Six more weeks and you'll be fine; you could stand on your head for six weeks if you needed to," to fall back on. There's no more telling my friends that I'll catch them at happy hour in a month. It's--barring a failure on my part, which I understand is common--forever. And with that, last night, I had a craving unlike one I've ever had before, and I realized that "trial periods" of abstinence, and "forever," are not the same species; they're not cousins; they're not even close.
So here I am, with the realization that grappling with this new, "forever" perspective is going to take some help. I'm here to introduce myself, and to ask how anyone who's been down this road before has dealt with the difference between "[insert number] days" and "forever" has handled it. It's a whole new world view, and I am still trying to come to terms with what I'm seeing, and it would be good to know how others have come to understand and appreciate this view before me. Hello and good morning to all!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome!
I think the understanding comes with sober time. My life and my inner thoughts and emotions are so much better now than when I was drinking that it isn't an option for me. Do I still have a thought of a drink now and then, at three plus years? Yes. It has no pull anymore, though. It's not worth it to me to go back there.
The good thing is that after a bit of time, other peoples' drinking will become tedious, boring. I don't have any desire to sit in a bar with drinkers. They are repetitive, argumentative, and for the most part don't make a lot of sense. I have found so many other things to do with my time that I remember and enjoy. There is a whole world out there that doesn't have a drink in its hand. I surrounded myself with drinkers when I was one, now I don't.
It will come. Keep posting, it helps a lot to work through all those emotions.
I think the understanding comes with sober time. My life and my inner thoughts and emotions are so much better now than when I was drinking that it isn't an option for me. Do I still have a thought of a drink now and then, at three plus years? Yes. It has no pull anymore, though. It's not worth it to me to go back there.
The good thing is that after a bit of time, other peoples' drinking will become tedious, boring. I don't have any desire to sit in a bar with drinkers. They are repetitive, argumentative, and for the most part don't make a lot of sense. I have found so many other things to do with my time that I remember and enjoy. There is a whole world out there that doesn't have a drink in its hand. I surrounded myself with drinkers when I was one, now I don't.
It will come. Keep posting, it helps a lot to work through all those emotions.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Good morning Irishlaw. My background is pretty darn similar to yours - former military, current attorney in private practice. I completely agree that acceptance of the concept of never drinking again is a very significant hurdle. For me, in fact, the idea of never drinking again stopped me from wholeheartedly pursuing recovery for many years. In my mind, joining a recovery group, admitting to those closest to me that I had a problem, or attending anything approaching rehab would all back me into a corner where I could never rationalize drinking again, and so I avoided everything besides some half-assed attempts at moderation for years and years. I'm very glad that I ultimately accepted that I had a serious problem and sought the help that I needed to recover and I'm happy that occurred before something disastrous happened in my life.
With respect to the idea of "forever," I'm over 600 days sober and I love the idea that I will never drink again. But it took awhile. I would suggest that, at this point in your recovery, you just worry about today and the next few days. As you build sobriety time and start to see some of the amazing benefits from it, your mindset is likely to change, like mine did, to the point where you embrace the idea.
Good luck to you. Keep posting.
With respect to the idea of "forever," I'm over 600 days sober and I love the idea that I will never drink again. But it took awhile. I would suggest that, at this point in your recovery, you just worry about today and the next few days. As you build sobriety time and start to see some of the amazing benefits from it, your mindset is likely to change, like mine did, to the point where you embrace the idea.
Good luck to you. Keep posting.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Welcome!
The difference I see in stopping for a fixed period of a month or two, and stopping forever is clear. When you stop for a month or two, you promise yourself that things will get back to 'normal' soon and you'll meet up with your friends at the pub. Stopping forever is something else. You need to make the lifestyle changes to support your recovery. For me, I had to look for the underlying reasons why I turned to alcohol to numb my feelings.
I hope you continue to read and post, and know for sure, you can do this!
The difference I see in stopping for a fixed period of a month or two, and stopping forever is clear. When you stop for a month or two, you promise yourself that things will get back to 'normal' soon and you'll meet up with your friends at the pub. Stopping forever is something else. You need to make the lifestyle changes to support your recovery. For me, I had to look for the underlying reasons why I turned to alcohol to numb my feelings.
I hope you continue to read and post, and know for sure, you can do this!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,580
Welcome, Irishlaw. You'll find at least two schools of thought among the recovered. Some focus on 'one day at a time' and that works for them, others focus on forever. You may want to read around the site and try on different hats.
One approach that makes use of 'forever' is AVRT, and there are several good threads on it in the secular connections sub-forum. You will find with this approach that the act of saying 'forever' will provoke the addicted part of one's brain to show up in force at least initially -- just as you experienced. That's OK though -- with AVRT, one learns to recognize and dissociate from the part of the mind that wants to drink. Generally that loud voice quiets down and one learns to deal with it fairly effortlessly.
Glad you're here --- there's lots of good info on how lots of folks have made "forever" stick!
One approach that makes use of 'forever' is AVRT, and there are several good threads on it in the secular connections sub-forum. You will find with this approach that the act of saying 'forever' will provoke the addicted part of one's brain to show up in force at least initially -- just as you experienced. That's OK though -- with AVRT, one learns to recognize and dissociate from the part of the mind that wants to drink. Generally that loud voice quiets down and one learns to deal with it fairly effortlessly.
Glad you're here --- there's lots of good info on how lots of folks have made "forever" stick!
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by tursiops999 
Welcome, Irishlaw. You'll find at least two schools of thought among the recovered. Some focus on 'one day at a time' and that works for them, others focus on forever. You may want to read around the site and try on different hats.
One approach that makes use of 'forever' is AVRT, and there are several good threads on it in the secular connections sub-forum. You will find with this approach that the act of saying 'forever' will provoke the addicted part of one's brain to show up in force at least initially -- just as you experienced. That's OK though -- with AVRT, one learns to recognize and dissociate from the part of the mind that wants to drink. Generally that loud voice quiets down and one learns to deal with it fairly effortlessly.
Glad you're here --- there's lots of good info on how lots of folks have made "forever" stick!
One approach that makes use of 'forever' is AVRT, and there are several good threads on it in the secular connections sub-forum. You will find with this approach that the act of saying 'forever' will provoke the addicted part of one's brain to show up in force at least initially -- just as you experienced. That's OK though -- with AVRT, one learns to recognize and dissociate from the part of the mind that wants to drink. Generally that loud voice quiets down and one learns to deal with it fairly effortlessly.
Glad you're here --- there's lots of good info on how lots of folks have made "forever" stick!
Welcome Irishlaw!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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It's great to meet you, Irishlaw. You're among friends who understand and care.
It was the idea of 'forever' that stopped me from quitting decades before I should have. As a result, I continued on trying to control the amounts I drank. In the end, I was destroyed - and completely dependent on it. Taking it to work, driving when I shouldn't have, embarrassing myself & confusing all who cared about me. It was so not worth it. I'm happy you've realized what needs to be done. We are here to help.
It was the idea of 'forever' that stopped me from quitting decades before I should have. As a result, I continued on trying to control the amounts I drank. In the end, I was destroyed - and completely dependent on it. Taking it to work, driving when I shouldn't have, embarrassing myself & confusing all who cared about me. It was so not worth it. I'm happy you've realized what needs to be done. We are here to help.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
Hi this is just my personal thought on the "forever" to me forever only comes when you feel it in your heart hun..I tried several times to quit and didnt succeed.I think my mind was wanting to telling me I needed too kind of like forcing myself..few days dry then in comes the cravings..drinking again and tryin to justify it,tellin myself il try harder next time..when my forever came I knew it,i felt so differently this time,something inside ME not just my mind changed (like clicked) I withdrew over a week drinking less each day so I didnt have the awfull withdrawals from cold turkey..each day I got better,stronger and prouder..I had no craving what so ever.its been about 4 months for me and still no craving.its been the best change ever.defiantly sounds like your leaning more towards the " forever" side to me from what you've said hun..theres loads of support here for you.please keep posting ☺x
this is just my personal thought on the "forever" to me forever only comes when you feel it in your heart hun..I tried several times to quit and didnt succeed.I think my mind was wanting to telling me I needed too kind of like forcing myself..few days dry then in comes the cravings..drinking again and tryin to justify it,tellin myself il try harder next time..when my forever came I knew it,i felt so differently this time,something inside ME not just my mind changed (like clicked) I withdrew over a week drinking less each day so I didnt have the awfull withdrawals from cold turkey..each day I got better,stronger and prouder..I had no craving what so ever.its been about 4 months for me and still no craving.its been the best change ever.defiantly sounds like your leaning more towards the " forever" side to me from what you've said hun..theres loads of support here for you.please keep posting ☺x
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 11
Thanks to all for the insight! It sounds like there's a lot of commentary on the site about these issues and I look forward to making my way through it. In the meantime, Day 9 is now in the books and I'm into double digits, so there's something I can be happy with in the short term. Have a great day everyone!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"So here I am, with the realization that grappling with this new, "forever" perspective is going to take some help. I'm here to introduce myself, and to ask how anyone who's been down this road before has dealt with the difference between "[insert number] days" and "forever" has handled it."
pretty simple for me:
i looked at the rest of my life WITH alcohol still in it.
life without couldnt look as miserable,disgusting,chaotic,insane,and short as that.
pretty simple for me:
i looked at the rest of my life WITH alcohol still in it.
life without couldnt look as miserable,disgusting,chaotic,insane,and short as that.
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