Hi new here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 46
Hi new here
Hi all.I just want to start by saying thank you all.it's taking me weeks to find the courage to post here.this past month I've found out my Ah has cheated on me.it came out after a massive row we had.he's been to rehab and is sober this past month,doing aa meeting with his sponsor.I have just started alanon.the thing is I'm getting really angry(although hiding it well)because I don't want to be the reason he start's drinking again.I just feel so alone right now.thanks for listening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dawn...don't worry about causing him to relapse. Nothing you do will cause him to relapse....he has to learn to live life on life's terms....so whatever you do or don't do cannot be used as an excuse to drink.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. That is what alcoholics do.
If they want to drink...anything can be listed as an excuse....
3 Cs.....You didn't Cause it; You Can't Control it; and, you Can't Cure it...
You will find so much information in out list of Classic Reading....from our stickies section. There are dozens and dozens of articles.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. That is what alcoholics do.
If they want to drink...anything can be listed as an excuse....
3 Cs.....You didn't Cause it; You Can't Control it; and, you Can't Cure it...
You will find so much information in out list of Classic Reading....from our stickies section. There are dozens and dozens of articles.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dawn...do you know how to find out "sticky" section?
Here is a diagram for you... (Classic Reading is in the last one)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html
Here is a diagram for you... (Classic Reading is in the last one)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...find-them.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by dandylion 
dawn...don't worry about causing him to relapse. Nothing you do will cause him to relapse....he has to learn to live life on life's terms....so whatever you do or don't do cannot be used as an excuse to drink.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. That is what alcoholics do.
If they want to drink...anything can be listed as an excuse....
3 Cs.....You didn't Cause it; You Can't Control it; and, you Can't Cure it...
You will find so much information in out list of Classic Reading....from our stickies section. There are dozens and dozens of articles.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. That is what alcoholics do.
If they want to drink...anything can be listed as an excuse....
3 Cs.....You didn't Cause it; You Can't Control it; and, you Can't Cure it...
You will find so much information in out list of Classic Reading....from our stickies section. There are dozens and dozens of articles.
I agree with what Dandy said except to also add that I believe in the Three Cs with affairs also.....not just alcohol.
Anger is a part of the grief process in my opinion with affairs and alcohol.
I found that with both alcohol and affairs that in both instances I tried to walk on eggshells to not tip him over some edge.....really that was not mine to worry about.
It was a very hard time for me, but the learning and recovery from that time in my life has provided a lot of healing. I am so glad you are here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 46
Thanks liferecovery.I can't believe what an idiot I've become.I never would have thought I'm so weak as not to kick him out the first time he hit me and and as to an affair...he's doing everything he can to stay sober and I've started alanon but I've this cloud of doom over me this past few day I've moved into spare room but continue to act as if I'm over it.what's wrong with me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Hi Dawnrun
A very tough situation and I feel for you as I am in a similar boat! See recent posts I have made.
I am going to Al anon (for my recovery from the pain and hurt of the last few years) Recovering AW is going to AA. Under the same roof - in seperate room (young kids in play)
Your anger would be intense and it is great you are going to Al anon and seeking help for YOU.
SR has been a great help for me and hopefully it will be for you.
Be kind to yourself
A very tough situation and I feel for you as I am in a similar boat! See recent posts I have made.
I am going to Al anon (for my recovery from the pain and hurt of the last few years) Recovering AW is going to AA. Under the same roof - in seperate room (young kids in play)
Your anger would be intense and it is great you are going to Al anon and seeking help for YOU.
SR has been a great help for me and hopefully it will be for you.
Be kind to yourself
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by dawnrun
Thanks liferecovery.I can't believe what an idiot I've become.I never would have thought I'm so weak as not to kick him out the first time he hit me and and as to an affair...he's doing everything he can to stay sober and I've started alanon but I've this cloud of doom over me this past few day I've moved into spare room but continue to act as if I'm over it.what's wrong with me.
I cannot speak to abuse, but others that are more versed in it will be along soon. Please do what keeps you safe.
Alcohol, affairs, abuse are all quite complicated to heal from and work through. Confusion was the norm with me for awhile.
Al-anon helped. Therapy helped. Taking good care of me with food, activity, rest helped.
Both at Al-anon and here a saying they have is "We can love you until you are able to love yourself." I had a lot of shame when I first got here but regardless of what your husband does/decides for himself I am glad you are choosing your own wellbeing and recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Dawn,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Good for you for going to alanon and reaching out to SR. Both of these support groups were also a big help for me. My axh also had an affair and that what was the clincher for me. It just seems to follow the progression .
I know that you mentioned that he hit you. Have you ever reached out to the Domestic Violence hot line. They are trained to help you and give you advice on how you can get out. Do you have kids? Talking to the DV hotline is completely confidential so you don't have to worry about him finding out. Please consider calling them, they do say on this website that physical abuse and alcohlism are two different issues, you cant blame one for the other.
Stick around Dawn, but please make sure that you are safe. Sending Viirtual Hugs to you!!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Good for you for going to alanon and reaching out to SR. Both of these support groups were also a big help for me. My axh also had an affair and that what was the clincher for me. It just seems to follow the progression .
I know that you mentioned that he hit you. Have you ever reached out to the Domestic Violence hot line. They are trained to help you and give you advice on how you can get out. Do you have kids? Talking to the DV hotline is completely confidential so you don't have to worry about him finding out. Please consider calling them, they do say on this website that physical abuse and alcohlism are two different issues, you cant blame one for the other.
Stick around Dawn, but please make sure that you are safe. Sending Viirtual Hugs to you!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 46
Thanks for all the advice.the violence came to an end last year.I reached out to family and friends,went to counseling and had one foot out the door then he changed.got sober went to rehab and he's trying so hard.
Yes I've kids that adore him parents that pray we'll work it out .I guess I joined this site because I see how very strong all of you are and I want to be like that again.I'm not the person I used to be..I want to be able to laugh again .thanks again for listening I feel like a right winger.
Yes I've kids that adore him parents that pray we'll work it out .I guess I joined this site because I see how very strong all of you are and I want to be like that again.I'm not the person I used to be..I want to be able to laugh again .thanks again for listening I feel like a right winger.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Dawn,
I am happy he is sober, but if he is not working a program he is the same person that he was, drunk or sober. No difference.
I stuck with my addict for 34 years of my life waiting to be "happy" with him. I was seeing therapist after therapist to see what was wrong with me. My addict is not sober and never had a problem with his drinking so our stories are not the same. But since I have left, with a lot of work on my part, I have blossomed, him not so much. He is as miserable as he always was as a drunk, but I am no longer swirling in the toilet bowl with him.
Just because your parents adore him, does not mean that you need to stay. I was 2.5 years post divorce and I finally cut my mother out of my life for 8 months because every conversation we had she brought up axh, as she loved him so. She also had no idea the abuse I endured. She was not in my home and lived my truth.
Also you say your kids adore their dad. I am not sure how old your kids are, but they don't have to witness dad hitting mom, they can hear it. I bet if you went on the adult children of alcoholics forum, and ask them if they knew what was going on in the home, they will all say they knew. They would say they wished the sober parent would have left. Ask them, talk to them and see how much they love their dad, if they are old enough.
Happiness is a one person job. Trying to live a happy life with an addict, sober or active is hard. You are always waiting for the shoe to drop, never at ease. Just because he is sober, doesn't mean all the garbage that you have lived disappears like it never happened. It did happen, you lived it and it will alway be in your DNA. You need to learn how to move forward with him or without him.
Keep reading, attend meetings and it will all fall into place the way God planned. Hugs!!
I am happy he is sober, but if he is not working a program he is the same person that he was, drunk or sober. No difference.
I stuck with my addict for 34 years of my life waiting to be "happy" with him. I was seeing therapist after therapist to see what was wrong with me. My addict is not sober and never had a problem with his drinking so our stories are not the same. But since I have left, with a lot of work on my part, I have blossomed, him not so much. He is as miserable as he always was as a drunk, but I am no longer swirling in the toilet bowl with him.
Just because your parents adore him, does not mean that you need to stay. I was 2.5 years post divorce and I finally cut my mother out of my life for 8 months because every conversation we had she brought up axh, as she loved him so. She also had no idea the abuse I endured. She was not in my home and lived my truth.
Also you say your kids adore their dad. I am not sure how old your kids are, but they don't have to witness dad hitting mom, they can hear it. I bet if you went on the adult children of alcoholics forum, and ask them if they knew what was going on in the home, they will all say they knew. They would say they wished the sober parent would have left. Ask them, talk to them and see how much they love their dad, if they are old enough.
Happiness is a one person job. Trying to live a happy life with an addict, sober or active is hard. You are always waiting for the shoe to drop, never at ease. Just because he is sober, doesn't mean all the garbage that you have lived disappears like it never happened. It did happen, you lived it and it will alway be in your DNA. You need to learn how to move forward with him or without him.
Keep reading, attend meetings and it will all fall into place the way God planned. Hugs!!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 46
(Just because he's sober doesn't mean all the garbage I lived didn't happen)
See that's just it.everyone wants it swept under the carpet..it's like just get over it.Ya he beat you,but he's working the steps trying to be a better person,a better dad ,abetter husband a better son.
My kids are 10 -14 the youngest never saw him attack me the oldest did once but blamed me for coming home drunk.(had a night out planned for months)that was years ago I think he's forgotten now.
It's feels like I stayed together and now things have changed drastically in our lives I'm falling apart.thanks for letting me vent.
See that's just it.everyone wants it swept under the carpet..it's like just get over it.Ya he beat you,but he's working the steps trying to be a better person,a better dad ,abetter husband a better son.
My kids are 10 -14 the youngest never saw him attack me the oldest did once but blamed me for coming home drunk.(had a night out planned for months)that was years ago I think he's forgotten now.
It's feels like I stayed together and now things have changed drastically in our lives I'm falling apart.thanks for letting me vent.
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Hi, dawn, and welcome.
The physical abuse you are talking about is a totally SEPARATE issue from the alcoholism. Most alcoholics do not abuse their partners, and most abusers are not alcoholics. Even if he was "worse" or more violent when drinking, abuse comes from an underlying sense of entitlement to control one's partner. It is possible, but pretty unlikely, that working a good program of recovery will address those issues.
I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for many years, and I really STRONGLY suggest you contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. You do not have to stay at the shelter to use their services. Everything you discuss with them will be confidential and no one will force you to do anything you aren't ready to do. But they can help with safety planning, connect you with counseling or support or other services that will help keep you and your kids safe.
Living in a home with abuse is a horrible experience for kids. Even if they don't see it directly, they pick up on the dynamics at home and may repeat those dynamics in their adult lives. Girls tend to learn it's OK to be treated badly; boys learn it's OK to treat women in their lives with disrespect.
Please make the call and talk with someone there.
The physical abuse you are talking about is a totally SEPARATE issue from the alcoholism. Most alcoholics do not abuse their partners, and most abusers are not alcoholics. Even if he was "worse" or more violent when drinking, abuse comes from an underlying sense of entitlement to control one's partner. It is possible, but pretty unlikely, that working a good program of recovery will address those issues.
I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for many years, and I really STRONGLY suggest you contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. You do not have to stay at the shelter to use their services. Everything you discuss with them will be confidential and no one will force you to do anything you aren't ready to do. But they can help with safety planning, connect you with counseling or support or other services that will help keep you and your kids safe.
Living in a home with abuse is a horrible experience for kids. Even if they don't see it directly, they pick up on the dynamics at home and may repeat those dynamics in their adult lives. Girls tend to learn it's OK to be treated badly; boys learn it's OK to treat women in their lives with disrespect.
Please make the call and talk with someone there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 46
(Just because he's sober doesn't mean all the garbage I lived didn't happen)
See that's just it.everyone wants it swept under the carpet..it's like just get over it.Ya he beat you,but he's working the steps trying to be a better person,a better dad ,abetter husband a better son.
My kids are 10 -14 the youngest never saw him attack me the oldest did once but blamed me for coming home drunk.(had a night out planned for months)that was years ago I think he's forgotten now.
It's feels like I stayed together and now things have changed drastically in our lives he's sober and trying to be a better person and I'm falling apart..I feel I should be grateful for the changes in our life but instead I'm picking the worst time to be angry and resentful.
See that's just it.everyone wants it swept under the carpet..it's like just get over it.Ya he beat you,but he's working the steps trying to be a better person,a better dad ,abetter husband a better son.
My kids are 10 -14 the youngest never saw him attack me the oldest did once but blamed me for coming home drunk.(had a night out planned for months)that was years ago I think he's forgotten now.
It's feels like I stayed together and now things have changed drastically in our lives he's sober and trying to be a better person and I'm falling apart..I feel I should be grateful for the changes in our life but instead I'm picking the worst time to be angry and resentful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Dawn
It sounds like you are working against some family /friend dynamics in addition to your ex, who are trying to get you to stay. This is usually the case.
I really admire your courage. You already refer to him as an "ex," and you already realize an awful lot that is wrong with this picture. For every one of us who embrace recovery, there are thousands out there who think the stuff you describe is "normal."
I am glad you are here with us. I hope we can be a support to you!
It sounds like you are working against some family /friend dynamics in addition to your ex, who are trying to get you to stay. This is usually the case.
I really admire your courage. You already refer to him as an "ex," and you already realize an awful lot that is wrong with this picture. For every one of us who embrace recovery, there are thousands out there who think the stuff you describe is "normal."
I am glad you are here with us. I hope we can be a support to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 46
Thanks everyone,
I'm rushing out to family support as I type this,after getting some clarity from you all.I didn't realize I referred to him as exit he has been b4 because I kicked him out he didn't really changed after that it was only when I sought help he really changed.I guess what I'm saying is I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.that again and so happy I found you all.
I'm rushing out to family support as I type this,after getting some clarity from you all.I didn't realize I referred to him as exit he has been b4 because I kicked him out he didn't really changed after that it was only when I sought help he really changed.I guess what I'm saying is I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.that again and so happy I found you all.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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dawn.....just to go on the record for saying......he can be a better dad and son no matter what the situation. It is not dependent on you (or even about being with you). I have seen lots of men that were good fathers and good to their own parents who did not have a partner (for whatever reason).....
Just saying that you are not responsible for him. He is responsible for him.
Alanon is for YOU. Your first responsibility is to your own and your children's best welfare. If you attend to that, first....then your happiness will fall into line....
Just saying that you are not responsible for him. He is responsible for him.
Alanon is for YOU. Your first responsibility is to your own and your children's best welfare. If you attend to that, first....then your happiness will fall into line....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
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I've just been to family support and I have to admit I would never have been so open an honest to another person without all the feedback I've got today.I've massive guilt and alot of baggage from my childhood as I grew up in an alcoholic home.I've got alot to work on and thanks to you all I finally admitted that I can't do this on my own but I will get help and listen to advise given.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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dawnrun, you are just at the start of things now, but you will learn so much more. Your path will get clearer and you will feel stronger. You'll know what to do when it's time to do it.
I hope you continue to read and post, and I really hope you continue to seek out help for yourself. There is no need to struggle alone in the dark when so many have gone before you and are holding up candles to light your way.
I hope you continue to read and post, and I really hope you continue to seek out help for yourself. There is no need to struggle alone in the dark when so many have gone before you and are holding up candles to light your way.
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