Finally giving it a real effort.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Finally giving it a real effort.
Hey all,
First of all, this community is amazing. I've spent most of my work day lingering around in the forums just taking it all in.
After 10 years of addiction, I'm finally open to the help I need. I've been a slave to my own selfish desires. I've read a lot of the cliché sayings all addicts say through many different stories on this forum and I see myself in every story, one way or another.
I'm going through a heart wrenching break up (again) because of my drinking (again) and at 30 years old, it isn't an easy one to shake off. I love this women and her child more then anything and watching them walk away is heart-wrenching. That happens tonight when she comes to my house and packs up her belongings.
The guilt, shame, embarrassment, anxiety, depression, the begging and hoping, it has to stick this time, it has to make me change. I have watched so many people I love leave because of the alcohol, I'm just so sad. I haven't been sleeping or eating since Saturday, I'm so torn.
She is a heavy drinker too, but she can control her emotions. I get mean. She doesn't want to quit drinking like I do (not that it matters at this point, the damage is done), but I'm trying to think rationally that she'd likely be a negative influence for me if we stayed together anyways. Maybe I could hold firm in my convictions? Maybe I can WHAT IF my life more?
So, enough of the sob story, where I'm going forward from here.
Today is DAY 2. I'm buying an elliptical after work to channel my feelings into a positive recreational hobby. I have to meet the (ex
) girlfriend tonight and I know that'll be a trigger once she leaves. I know rationally, I will never have a real life if I don't quit drinking. Quitting SCARES me more then anything else in my life right now. The loneliness scares me, I don't make friends well without a little liquid courage. Dating is going to be impossible for me.
Anyways, glad to be here, and through the emotions today, I'm glad I found a place to be with people who are fighting the same demons as me.
I'm Kyle, btw. See ya'll around.
First of all, this community is amazing. I've spent most of my work day lingering around in the forums just taking it all in.
After 10 years of addiction, I'm finally open to the help I need. I've been a slave to my own selfish desires. I've read a lot of the cliché sayings all addicts say through many different stories on this forum and I see myself in every story, one way or another.
I'm going through a heart wrenching break up (again) because of my drinking (again) and at 30 years old, it isn't an easy one to shake off. I love this women and her child more then anything and watching them walk away is heart-wrenching. That happens tonight when she comes to my house and packs up her belongings.
The guilt, shame, embarrassment, anxiety, depression, the begging and hoping, it has to stick this time, it has to make me change. I have watched so many people I love leave because of the alcohol, I'm just so sad. I haven't been sleeping or eating since Saturday, I'm so torn.
She is a heavy drinker too, but she can control her emotions. I get mean. She doesn't want to quit drinking like I do (not that it matters at this point, the damage is done), but I'm trying to think rationally that she'd likely be a negative influence for me if we stayed together anyways. Maybe I could hold firm in my convictions? Maybe I can WHAT IF my life more?
So, enough of the sob story, where I'm going forward from here.
Today is DAY 2. I'm buying an elliptical after work to channel my feelings into a positive recreational hobby. I have to meet the (ex
) girlfriend tonight and I know that'll be a trigger once she leaves. I know rationally, I will never have a real life if I don't quit drinking. Quitting SCARES me more then anything else in my life right now. The loneliness scares me, I don't make friends well without a little liquid courage. Dating is going to be impossible for me. Anyways, glad to be here, and through the emotions today, I'm glad I found a place to be with people who are fighting the same demons as me.
I'm Kyle, btw. See ya'll around.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Great to meet you, Kyle. I'm so glad you're acknowledging your addiction at a young age. I went on for many more years - denying & trying to manage it.
I'm sorry for the painful situation you find yourself in. I hope you'll stay with us and keep posting. It helps with the anxiety. Everyone understands what you're going through. Congratulations on Day 2. Be kind and patient with yourself.
I'm sorry for the painful situation you find yourself in. I hope you'll stay with us and keep posting. It helps with the anxiety. Everyone understands what you're going through. Congratulations on Day 2. Be kind and patient with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by SaturatedSeize 
Hey all,
She is a heavy drinker too, but she can control her emotions. I get mean. She doesn't want to quit drinking like I do (not that it matters at this point, the damage is done), but I'm trying to think rationally that she'd likely be a negative influence for me if we stayed together anyways. Maybe I could hold firm in my convictions? Maybe I can WHAT IF my life more?
So, enough of the sob story, where I'm going forward from here.
Today is DAY 2. I'm buying an elliptical after work to channel my feelings into a positive recreational hobby. I have to meet the (ex ) girlfriend tonight and I know that'll be a trigger once she leaves. I know rationally, I will never have a real life if I don't quit drinking. Quitting SCARES me more then anything else in my life right now. The loneliness scares me, I don't make friends well without a little liquid courage. Dating is going to be impossible for me.
Anyways, glad to be here, and through the emotions today, I'm glad I found a place to be with people who are fighting the same demons as me.
I'm Kyle, btw. See ya'll around.
She is a heavy drinker too, but she can control her emotions. I get mean. She doesn't want to quit drinking like I do (not that it matters at this point, the damage is done), but I'm trying to think rationally that she'd likely be a negative influence for me if we stayed together anyways. Maybe I could hold firm in my convictions? Maybe I can WHAT IF my life more?
So, enough of the sob story, where I'm going forward from here.
Today is DAY 2. I'm buying an elliptical after work to channel my feelings into a positive recreational hobby. I have to meet the (ex
) girlfriend tonight and I know that'll be a trigger once she leaves. I know rationally, I will never have a real life if I don't quit drinking. Quitting SCARES me more then anything else in my life right now. The loneliness scares me, I don't make friends well without a little liquid courage. Dating is going to be impossible for me. Anyways, glad to be here, and through the emotions today, I'm glad I found a place to be with people who are fighting the same demons as me.
I'm Kyle, btw. See ya'll around.
In any event, you're a young man. Get your life together, get in shape, get on a better path. Some beautiful woman I am sure would kill to have you. But you have to save yourself first.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Sorry to hear what brings you hear, but rest assured that with some work and effort you can create an alcohol free life for yourself. At first it will be hard, it is with most everyone, but eventually doors begin to open and you'll be ready to walk through them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Kyle,
Welcome. We are so glad you are here. This is a wonderful forum that can really help you turn the corner. It sounds like you are ready. That is more than half the battle.
It sounds like you've realized that if you keep on going the way you are, there is no way to have a healthy relationship, much less be your best self, and live the life you were meant to live. There is so much more to life than the endless drinking treadmill. You are YOUNG. Get off it now.
You can do it. CHOOSE a better life. It's not "giving up" alcohol as much as deciding you want more than that. You are already giving things up. (All the truly valuable things in life.) Wouldn't it be better to give up alcohol.. just a chemical and addictive substance.. instead of everything else?
I know this breakup hurts. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you. Please keep coming here and post often!
This can be your new day.
Welcome. We are so glad you are here. This is a wonderful forum that can really help you turn the corner. It sounds like you are ready. That is more than half the battle.
It sounds like you've realized that if you keep on going the way you are, there is no way to have a healthy relationship, much less be your best self, and live the life you were meant to live. There is so much more to life than the endless drinking treadmill. You are YOUNG. Get off it now.
You can do it. CHOOSE a better life. It's not "giving up" alcohol as much as deciding you want more than that. You are already giving things up. (All the truly valuable things in life.) Wouldn't it be better to give up alcohol.. just a chemical and addictive substance.. instead of everything else?
I know this breakup hurts. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you. Please keep coming here and post often!
This can be your new day.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi.
Sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us and are posting.
You say that you are finally ready to do what it takes. That is good.
It is also great that you're planning on buying an exercise machine, BUT do not be under any illusion that this is 'doing what it takes'.
Getting and staying sober is likely to be one of the hardest things you've ever done (at first) - and yes, exercise and good nutrition help us to be healthy. But these are just things anyone would do to keep themselves in shape. And we are not 'anyone'. Alcoholics need to do other stuff if we want to get and stay sober.
Sure, your ex / gf can turn up for her stuff and you can point at your new machine as evidence that you ARE trying. She might even be convinced.
Have you looked into support meetings in your area at all? AA, Smart or other local initiatives? Also, Dee's threads about making a recovery plan are a great place to start in making your own plan that can make sobriety achievable, bearable, then as time goes on comfortable, and eventually preferable to drinking.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
Wishing you all the best for you sobriety, and recovery. BB
Sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us and are posting.
You say that you are finally ready to do what it takes. That is good.
It is also great that you're planning on buying an exercise machine, BUT do not be under any illusion that this is 'doing what it takes'.
Getting and staying sober is likely to be one of the hardest things you've ever done (at first) - and yes, exercise and good nutrition help us to be healthy. But these are just things anyone would do to keep themselves in shape. And we are not 'anyone'. Alcoholics need to do other stuff if we want to get and stay sober.
Sure, your ex / gf can turn up for her stuff and you can point at your new machine as evidence that you ARE trying. She might even be convinced.
Have you looked into support meetings in your area at all? AA, Smart or other local initiatives? Also, Dee's threads about making a recovery plan are a great place to start in making your own plan that can make sobriety achievable, bearable, then as time goes on comfortable, and eventually preferable to drinking.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
Wishing you all the best for you sobriety, and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: London
Posts: 33
Kyle. I feel your pain only too well and too recently. My marriage ended years ago in no small part by my drinking. That hurt as i had 2 kids, but we were not compatible. At that stage i quit for a year but i ended up back where i was before...glug glug glug. I was alone then for the kids sake, so who cared about it (my family did 😔
.
Anyway I met a young lady recently. We clicked. 2 peas on a pod from day. We had something special. You know where this is going 😔😢🤧. I had warnings but was not in the place to stop. The inevitable followed. That hurt. Alot. More than my marriage crumbling.
I knew it was me. I asked her to let me try. I'd shape up. It wasn't happening..she'd called it. Whilst it was awful, losing such a wonderful person. If we'd have tried i might not have the determination i have now. I'm 6 weeks beer free Saturday. My counsellor said feel this to me..."feel" the pain. Kyle. We all know the first thing you/we will do when it hurts is to reach for a drink to numb the pain. I did. But this will be a loop. My ex didn't drink, so hearing your story has helped me as i thought being with another beer monster would stop drinking being a relationship problem. Twisted reasoning to not have to stop 🤤. Feeling the raw emotion and consequences of my actions has been hard, but also empowering. This was me. I broke this. What do I want my life to be (other than her back)? Also....looking at what that relationship was.Asking the questions. Were we good for each other, am I ignoring big issues? Drinking makes us float along and emotionally unable to look, face, feel, evaluate and make the tough decisions. Use this chance to start facing this....not drinking your way through it.
Mate. I feel your pain. Use it to get to a better place. Next time, and there will be. I'm realing that....the Kyle that emerges just might want someone very different and end up with someone you never thought possible. Just need to 🚫🥃🥂🍻
. Anyway I met a young lady recently. We clicked. 2 peas on a pod from day. We had something special. You know where this is going 😔😢🤧. I had warnings but was not in the place to stop. The inevitable followed. That hurt. Alot. More than my marriage crumbling.
I knew it was me. I asked her to let me try. I'd shape up. It wasn't happening..she'd called it. Whilst it was awful, losing such a wonderful person. If we'd have tried i might not have the determination i have now. I'm 6 weeks beer free Saturday. My counsellor said feel this to me..."feel" the pain. Kyle. We all know the first thing you/we will do when it hurts is to reach for a drink to numb the pain. I did. But this will be a loop. My ex didn't drink, so hearing your story has helped me as i thought being with another beer monster would stop drinking being a relationship problem. Twisted reasoning to not have to stop 🤤. Feeling the raw emotion and consequences of my actions has been hard, but also empowering. This was me. I broke this. What do I want my life to be (other than her back)? Also....looking at what that relationship was.Asking the questions. Were we good for each other, am I ignoring big issues? Drinking makes us float along and emotionally unable to look, face, feel, evaluate and make the tough decisions. Use this chance to start facing this....not drinking your way through it.
Mate. I feel your pain. Use it to get to a better place. Next time, and there will be. I'm realing that....the Kyle that emerges just might want someone very different and end up with someone you never thought possible. Just need to 🚫🥃🥂🍻
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Thanks all for the welcoming comments. Last night was rough but I worked out and eventually passed out from exhaustion.
I woke up this morning and all I could think about was drinking a beer. Even NOW, 2 hours later, I still want a beer. It's all I can think about.
I want to consider AA meetings as I know I need a healthy community to be a part of as everyone I know drinks (a joy of living in Wisconsin, all binge drinkers here). Apparently it's a "conflict of interest " with my career. I can still attend, buts an "at your own risk." I'm a Probation Officer and a lot of our clients attend these meetings. I talked to my boss about it yesterday.
I shouldn't care, nothing should stop me from achieving sobriety. But if it effects my career with my clients, is it something I should do? You'd like to think everyone in the program is mindful and would keep the anonymous part important, but they don't.
As for a plan, I need to put one together tonight after work. There is an Open AA meeting tonight I was thinking about asking my Sister to go with. I've never been to an Aa meeting. I just know tonight will be harder then last night.
I woke up this morning and all I could think about was drinking a beer. Even NOW, 2 hours later, I still want a beer. It's all I can think about.
I want to consider AA meetings as I know I need a healthy community to be a part of as everyone I know drinks (a joy of living in Wisconsin, all binge drinkers here). Apparently it's a "conflict of interest " with my career. I can still attend, buts an "at your own risk." I'm a Probation Officer and a lot of our clients attend these meetings. I talked to my boss about it yesterday.
I shouldn't care, nothing should stop me from achieving sobriety. But if it effects my career with my clients, is it something I should do? You'd like to think everyone in the program is mindful and would keep the anonymous part important, but they don't.
As for a plan, I need to put one together tonight after work. There is an Open AA meeting tonight I was thinking about asking my Sister to go with. I've never been to an Aa meeting. I just know tonight will be harder then last night.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Originally Posted by Bottletop
Kyle. I feel your pain only too well and too recently. My marriage ended years ago in no small part by my drinking. That hurt as i had 2 kids, but we were not compatible. At that stage i quit for a year but i ended up back where i was before...glug glug glug. I was alone then for the kids sake, so who cared about it (my family did 😔.
Anyway I met a young lady recently. We clicked. 2 peas on a pod from day. We had something special. You know where this is going 😔😢🤧. I had warnings but was not in the place to stop. The inevitable followed. That hurt. Alot. More than my marriage crumbling.
I knew it was me. I asked her to let me try. I'd shape up. It wasn't happening..she'd called it. Whilst it was awful, losing such a wonderful person. If we'd have tried i might not have the determination i have now. I'm 6 weeks beer free Saturday. My counsellor said feel this to me..."feel" the pain. Kyle. We all know the first thing you/we will do when it hurts is to reach for a drink to numb the pain. I did. But this will be a loop. My ex didn't drink, so hearing your story has helped me as i thought being with another beer monster would stop drinking being a relationship problem. Twisted reasoning to not have to stop 🤤. Feeling the raw emotion and consequences of my actions has been hard, but also empowering. This was me. I broke this. What do I want my life to be (other than her back)? Also....looking at what that relationship was.Asking the questions. Were we good for each other, am I ignoring big issues? Drinking makes us float along and emotionally unable to look, face, feel, evaluate and make the tough decisions. Use this chance to start facing this....not drinking your way through it.
Mate. I feel your pain. Use it to get to a better place. Next time, and there will be. I'm realing that....the Kyle that emerges just might want someone very different and end up with someone you never thought possible. Just need to 🚫🥃🥂🍻
. Anyway I met a young lady recently. We clicked. 2 peas on a pod from day. We had something special. You know where this is going 😔😢🤧. I had warnings but was not in the place to stop. The inevitable followed. That hurt. Alot. More than my marriage crumbling.
I knew it was me. I asked her to let me try. I'd shape up. It wasn't happening..she'd called it. Whilst it was awful, losing such a wonderful person. If we'd have tried i might not have the determination i have now. I'm 6 weeks beer free Saturday. My counsellor said feel this to me..."feel" the pain. Kyle. We all know the first thing you/we will do when it hurts is to reach for a drink to numb the pain. I did. But this will be a loop. My ex didn't drink, so hearing your story has helped me as i thought being with another beer monster would stop drinking being a relationship problem. Twisted reasoning to not have to stop 🤤. Feeling the raw emotion and consequences of my actions has been hard, but also empowering. This was me. I broke this. What do I want my life to be (other than her back)? Also....looking at what that relationship was.Asking the questions. Were we good for each other, am I ignoring big issues? Drinking makes us float along and emotionally unable to look, face, feel, evaluate and make the tough decisions. Use this chance to start facing this....not drinking your way through it.
Mate. I feel your pain. Use it to get to a better place. Next time, and there will be. I'm realing that....the Kyle that emerges just might want someone very different and end up with someone you never thought possible. Just need to 🚫🥃🥂🍻
Thank you so much for sharing your difficult story. It is EXACTLY what I'm feeling and going through. I want to drink these feelings away, I'm sad all day and everything makes me cry. I know how easy it COULD be. I just wish last time was it, and I didn't screw this one up. 😢
Congratulations on your 6 weeks. Seems impossible at this moment for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by SaturatedSeize
Thanks all for the welcoming comments. Last night was rough but I worked out and eventually passed out from exhaustion.
I woke up this morning and all I could think about was drinking a beer. Even NOW, 2 hours later, I still want a beer. It's all I can think about.
I want to consider AA meetings as I know I need a healthy community to be a part of as everyone I know drinks (a joy of living in Wisconsin, all binge drinkers here). Apparently it's a "conflict of interest " with my career. I can still attend, buts an "at your own risk." I'm a Probation Officer and a lot of our clients attend these meetings. I talked to my boss about it yesterday.
I shouldn't care, nothing should stop me from achieving sobriety. But if it effects my career with my clients, is it something I should do? You'd like to think everyone in the program is mindful and would keep the anonymous part important, but they don't.
As for a plan, I need to put one together tonight after work. There is an Open AA meeting tonight I was thinking about asking my Sister to go with. I've never been to an Aa meeting. I just know tonight will be harder then last night.
I woke up this morning and all I could think about was drinking a beer. Even NOW, 2 hours later, I still want a beer. It's all I can think about.
I want to consider AA meetings as I know I need a healthy community to be a part of as everyone I know drinks (a joy of living in Wisconsin, all binge drinkers here). Apparently it's a "conflict of interest " with my career. I can still attend, buts an "at your own risk." I'm a Probation Officer and a lot of our clients attend these meetings. I talked to my boss about it yesterday.
I shouldn't care, nothing should stop me from achieving sobriety. But if it effects my career with my clients, is it something I should do? You'd like to think everyone in the program is mindful and would keep the anonymous part important, but they don't.
As for a plan, I need to put one together tonight after work. There is an Open AA meeting tonight I was thinking about asking my Sister to go with. I've never been to an Aa meeting. I just know tonight will be harder then last night.
Is there somewhere written that probation officers are super-humans and don't fall foul of addiction as do the rest of the population?
I am a teacher. I chose to tell my boss so that if anyone ever mentioned it to her then she already heard it - from ME. She's already told me that I have her support.
Maybe just be careful what you share in the open room. Save anything incriminating for one to one talks with a sponsor or people you trust further down the line.
BB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: London
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by SaturatedSeize
Thank you so much for sharing your difficult story. It is EXACTLY what I'm feeling and going through. I want to drink these feelings away, I'm sad all day and everything makes me cry. I know how easy it COULD be. I just wish last time was it, and I didn't screw this one up. 😢
Congratulations on your 6 weeks. Seems impossible at this moment for me.
Congratulations on your 6 weeks. Seems impossible at this moment for me.
I can empathise Kyle. I was in tatters. Cut up...sad, emotional, lost. Not functioning. But nothing stays the same....life moves on and changes. It's us lot that get left behind and stay in the same spot unless we change. I never want to go through that again. If i have to, not because of this 🍺.
We all tread the same path. You can do it...just have to get through the worst early part.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
glad ya found this place.
"Maybe I can WHAT IF my life more? "
if ya think about it, that might be one way ya ended up on SR?
something else to think about:
"a joy of living in Wisconsin, all binge drinkers here."
prolly wouldnt have AA meetings iffen that was the case,eh?
its probably more of
"all of the people i hang around are binge drinkers."
i had that thought,too, but turned out it was just my playmates and play places.
as far as being a PO,
my sponsor was a PO until he retired a few years ago.
good friend was a prosecuting atty.
another man i met was the sheriff for a neighboring county.
might be wise to look for meetings in a neighboring town.
p.s.
what did your boss say about it?
p.p.s.
PLEASE dont talk yourself out of going. your fist thought-
"I want to consider AA meetings as I know I need a healthy community to be a part of as everyone I know drink."
might be wise to run with over the the thoughts of why not.
"Maybe I can WHAT IF my life more? "
if ya think about it, that might be one way ya ended up on SR?
something else to think about:
"a joy of living in Wisconsin, all binge drinkers here."
prolly wouldnt have AA meetings iffen that was the case,eh?
its probably more of
"all of the people i hang around are binge drinkers."
i had that thought,too, but turned out it was just my playmates and play places.
as far as being a PO,
my sponsor was a PO until he retired a few years ago.
good friend was a prosecuting atty.
another man i met was the sheriff for a neighboring county.
might be wise to look for meetings in a neighboring town.
p.s.
what did your boss say about it?
p.p.s.
PLEASE dont talk yourself out of going. your fist thought-
"I want to consider AA meetings as I know I need a healthy community to be a part of as everyone I know drink."
might be wise to run with over the the thoughts of why not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
tomsteve - I really like your perspective on a lot of my statements. You are absolutely right and I'm seeing myself fall into more and more cliché behaviors. The rationalizing, and justifying.
My boss talked to her boss, who basically said it's a possible fraternization issue since our clients are there and I could run into them. My argument was that it would be no different then running into them in a supermarket, or anywhere else, and we don't have to fill out a fraternization request. I am not going to AA to make friends and unprofessional relationships IF I even run into anybody, I'm going for me, my family, my daughter, my future. They still want a paper trail of ALL of it, which makes me uncomfortable. She recommended I use our internal counseling options through the State and do one on one counseling. I'm sure I could benefit from that a lot, but it doesn't help with the loneliness and building of a new social circle. It felt she really wanted me to avoid it.
I'm strongly considering going to a meeting tonight, it's been a rough day for me emotionally and I have nothing to go home too, which is really sad and depressing.
My boss talked to her boss, who basically said it's a possible fraternization issue since our clients are there and I could run into them. My argument was that it would be no different then running into them in a supermarket, or anywhere else, and we don't have to fill out a fraternization request. I am not going to AA to make friends and unprofessional relationships IF I even run into anybody, I'm going for me, my family, my daughter, my future. They still want a paper trail of ALL of it, which makes me uncomfortable. She recommended I use our internal counseling options through the State and do one on one counseling. I'm sure I could benefit from that a lot, but it doesn't help with the loneliness and building of a new social circle. It felt she really wanted me to avoid it.
I'm strongly considering going to a meeting tonight, it's been a rough day for me emotionally and I have nothing to go home too, which is really sad and depressing.
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