Boundaries
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 41
Boundaries
It's me again...I'm wondering if anyone can offer advice on boundaries that don't include divorce.
I have stated no alcohol in the house ever again, but what can I feasibly do if he crosses that boundary? I don't want divorce to be the answer because I don't know that I'm ready to handle all the issues that come along with divorce as well.
Or am I out of luck, and that's really the only option where I can actually do something about him crossing them?
Is my thinking out of line that I don't want to be treated this way, but don't want a divorce?
I have stated no alcohol in the house ever again, but what can I feasibly do if he crosses that boundary? I don't want divorce to be the answer because I don't know that I'm ready to handle all the issues that come along with divorce as well.
Or am I out of luck, and that's really the only option where I can actually do something about him crossing them?
Is my thinking out of line that I don't want to be treated this way, but don't want a divorce?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
no alcohol in the house is NOT a boundary - it's a RULE.
a boundary would be - i will not share my home with someone who drinks to excess, therefore if you come home drunk/bring alcohol into the home and drink/etc I WILL...........fill in the blank.
that might be:
ask you to leave. if you do NOT leave, i will.......fill in the blank.
you state the behavior that is unacceptable TO YOU, and then you state what YOU will do if that behavior is still presented.
he already knows how you feel about his drinking. so that isn't new news. he is unwilling or unable to stop drinking permanently. that may or may not change - ever. so you have to decide what YOU are going to do - not what you are going to make HIM do.
see the difference?
a boundary would be - i will not share my home with someone who drinks to excess, therefore if you come home drunk/bring alcohol into the home and drink/etc I WILL...........fill in the blank.
that might be:
ask you to leave. if you do NOT leave, i will.......fill in the blank.
you state the behavior that is unacceptable TO YOU, and then you state what YOU will do if that behavior is still presented.
he already knows how you feel about his drinking. so that isn't new news. he is unwilling or unable to stop drinking permanently. that may or may not change - ever. so you have to decide what YOU are going to do - not what you are going to make HIM do.
see the difference?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,107
It is fair for you to erect a boundary such as, " There is to be no alcohol in my home"... it's up to you to decide what you will do if that boundary gets crossed.
BUT...it's his home too? He is an adult who can choose to drink. That's his right. TELLING him he can't have booze in your home is a rule, not a boundary.
It's going to be difficult to maintain a boundary such as that while living with an active alcoholic.
My first real boundary was that I would not engage with XAH when he was drinking.
BUT...it's his home too? He is an adult who can choose to drink. That's his right. TELLING him he can't have booze in your home is a rule, not a boundary.
It's going to be difficult to maintain a boundary such as that while living with an active alcoholic.
My first real boundary was that I would not engage with XAH when he was drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
no alcohol in the house is NOT a boundary - it's a RULE.
a boundary would be - i will not share my home with someone who drinks to excess, therefore if you come home drunk/bring alcohol into the home and drink/etc I WILL...........fill in the blank.
that might be:
ask you to leave. if you do NOT leave, i will.......fill in the blank.
you state the behavior that is unacceptable TO YOU, and then you state what YOU will do if that behavior is still presented.
he already knows how you feel about his drinking. so that isn't new news. he is unwilling or unable to stop drinking permanently. that may or may not change - ever. so you have to decide what YOU are going to do - not what you are going to make HIM do.
see the difference?
a boundary would be - i will not share my home with someone who drinks to excess, therefore if you come home drunk/bring alcohol into the home and drink/etc I WILL...........fill in the blank.
that might be:
ask you to leave. if you do NOT leave, i will.......fill in the blank.
you state the behavior that is unacceptable TO YOU, and then you state what YOU will do if that behavior is still presented.
he already knows how you feel about his drinking. so that isn't new news. he is unwilling or unable to stop drinking permanently. that may or may not change - ever. so you have to decide what YOU are going to do - not what you are going to make HIM do.
see the difference?
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