rstingbeachface

I found this website last night, stumbled upon it and read my eyes out until the wee hours. SO thankful for all of the insight and support I am reading.

My parents are in the mid-70's. For all of 2017 I have gone "no contact" with them. (My brother calls them to check in and fills me in with minimal details.) They are both active blackout alcoholics and also addicted to various medications for sleep, depression, pain, etc. that they (of course) take with alcohol. Dad hasn't driven in years, is incontinent and walks with a walker. Mom drives them around, and yes...that means she drives them home after their 6 margarita lunches or their stops at the bar after they go get Dad a shave at the barber shop (since he can no longer shave himself.)

They both have lots of health issues and fall down frequently. The story is that Dad's potassium levels are low, or that he has gallbladder issues. He had his gallbladder out last week. Mom went to the dr. last week because she fell in the backyard and couldn't get up for about 20 minutes...so there MUST be something wrong with her legs. On and on. Things that are obviously the result of chronic alcohol dependence, but they are just not sure why they are happening. They are either faking out their doctors or the drs are just letting it happen. Whatever, I don't get it.

I have been going to Alanon, I am in counseling, I am "detaching with love" and taking care of myself, yada yada yada. THANKFULLY I am caring for myself and with the help of my counselor, am "reparenting" myself. I am on a huge journey of healing after a major "crash" into depression back in February. I am turning 50 in just a few weeks and this has been my gift to myself.

I am DONE. I am prepared to never talk to my parents again until we are all in heaven. I am okay with that, and have given up all hope of things being resolved. They are living their self-destructive life and will die of it, I am sure of it. They live to drink all day, and I know that is a disease that is chronic, progressive and DEADLY. As far as they are concerned, I am a bad daughter. I used to be a good one, but clearly I have issues. They are wildly popular among their friends, (most of whom only see them on Facebook or on Sunday mornings at church, where my mom is on staff and carefully manages her image.) She has a huge following on Facebook and is considered a mentor to people. So, I am getting used to people's "disappointment" in me for being estranged from these wonderful godly people, but they have no idea what their actual life is like. I did not have ONE conversation with them in 2016 where they were not slurry, sloppy drunk. Not one. No one else knows that. They are accusatory and mean, and were so nasty to me growing up. They have always had one personality at home, and very different one outside in the world.

My question is: WHAT do I do when they get to the point of needing help like...a nursing home, or if one of them dies, etc. My brother is about to move to another town several hours away, I live about 20 minutes from them. But, I cannot and will not be part of their care. I just can't. I know what society says, what the "Christian" thing to do is, what "good daughters" do...and I just can't and won't. My husband and grown kids know they would lose me and they do not want that.

Has anyone just "live and let live" when it is their own elderly parents? What does that even LOOK like??

I know this is long. Thank you for reading.

tromboneliness

This sounds familiar -- although my "case" was much milder. My parents were universally liked (I think) -- funny, smart people, must have been fun growing up with them, blah-blah, right? Um, no. When my Dad (90) stubbornly refused to consider moving out of the big house I grew up in, I was the "arrogant b*stard" for not caving in and moving back in to take care of him. I had two cousins who actually did take him up on his offer of room & board in exchange for chauffeur duty -- both of them found his rage and control-freakness too much to take, and moved out. Or almost did -- the second one had finally had it, and made arrangements to get an apartment, and was going to move out in a month or so, leaving my Dad by himself... at which point I don't even know what might have happened -- shudder to think of it even now, 7 years later. "Fortunately," you might put it, my Dad had a fall, went to the hospital, and required round-the-clock nursing care, until he died about 8 months later. Sparing me the dilemma of what to do with him. A "milder" case of the problem you're facing... but I understand it nonetheless! You're not the "bad" one -- if the 'rents won't own up to their own self-destructive behavior, well, they're grownups and allowed to make their own choices. As for what their friends (and our relatives) think of us, the "ingrate" kids, that's out of our hands, sad to say. I still don't know what most of my cousins think of me, because I don't call them.

Good luck....

T

Maudcat

Hi, rsting. Welcome.
Totally get where you are coming from.
I have an alcoholic sib who lives with my mother.
He just gets sicker and sicker, and, honestly, I don't know what is going to happen with him after mom dies.
Probably a nursing home if we can find one that takes aged drunks.
Watching people succumb to alcohol-related conditions and illnesses is a long, relentless, heartbreaking slog.
Please don't judge yourself by other peoples' opinions.
They don't know what you do.
Believe me, if I could never have any contact with my sib again, I would be absolutely fine with that.
Good luck.

rstingbeachface

THIS is partly what keeps me up at night. Is there such a thing?? I keep reading about people whose alcoholic parent gets "30 day notices" that they have to leave their facility because they are abusing alcohol and it's against policy. I am QUITE certain that the way my parents live would be against any decent place's policy. It's against mine, for sure.

Maudcat

Well, no, I don't think any facility wants people who are ambulatory and actively drinking.
The scenario I see is my sib has a debilitating health event, like a stroke or a broken hip, so he CAN'T get out and get the booze.
Much easier to control by staff, so then can prob continue to stay at the facility.
I know. It sounds awful.
I tell myself that my sib's severely limited options are the result of his choices and decisions.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
But it isn't all that clear cut at times.
If your parents can afford it, they can have someone come in, or even live in, to take care of them in their home.
I have contact with a local elderly services provider--my mom is a client. She has a health aide come in twice a week to do light cleaning, change her sheets, etc.
it's also another set of eyes.
Maybe you could talk to someone at one of your local agencies.
Believe me, these folks have seen it all.
They may have some suggestions for you.
Good luck.

Maudcat

Meant to add, google Elder Care Services in your area.

Maudcat

The other option is to leave them to themselves.
If either of them has a bad fall, they will go to the ER.
They may be assessed as "at risk elderly," a caseworker will be assigned, and elderly services will be provided, like occupational therapy, home health aides, physical therapy, meals on wheels, etc.
They won't like it, but a scenario like this could help to ease your burden.
Both my mom and mil have fallen and experienced this.
There are agencies that can help. You just need to locate them.

rstingbeachface

ALL good info, thank you @maudcat. Every once in awhile I find myself absolutely stunned that this is how it is. Even though it's been going on for decades.

Maudcat

Unfortunately, health complications from consuming too much alcohol for a long time really start to pile on after a certain age for many people.
Some have won the genetic lottery and can drink without harmful effects until they get hit by a bus at age 95.
Those people are rare, though.
My sib is 62. And has been a drinker and drugger since adolescence.
I won't bore you with his unsavory health diagnosis.
Suffice to say, he is really sick, mentally and physically, and getting sicker by the day.
I pray that he goes quickly when he goes. Sadly, I don't think that will be the case.
Good thoughts and good luck.

DoubleDragons

I could have written you post. It is like we have the same parents. I went mostly NC over a year ago when in a drunken rage my mother called me in the middle of the night insinuating that my sister probably committed suicide due to a drunken argument they were in. (luckily, my sister was found unharmed) The police and other family members were searching the beach for my sister, but my mother was just spewing hateful rationalizations over the phone. My pitcher is full and I cannot take another drop of pain. I did go to my parents' home for a week when my father had open heart surgery as I had stated that I would be there for them in emergencies, but I quickly went back to NC after that because my mother was sucking down cosmopolitans the day after my dad's surgery and seemed bummed to go back to the hospital to see him. Clearly, nothing had changed.

So, from one "bad" daughter to another ( I hear that they call me a "piece of work'), I can honestly say that I have never felt better than in this "live and let live" relationship I have with my parents. They think that I am trying to "police" them, but I am just holding very firm boundaries, because I refuse for me (or my family) to be hurt one more time by their unchecked problems.

I feel for you. SR is great! I have a notebook full of information I gleaned from this website. I also attend therapy and a codependents support group which has also been invaluable. I wish you the best and I truly hope that you can take the focus off of your parents and place it on yourself. I understand how hard this is, but it is so vital.

tromboneliness

Ya -- "policing" them, by staying away! My Dad kept trying to get me to move back in -- he thought it was his right, as a Greek Patriarch™, to have complete obedience from his kids/family, and that we would take care of him -- without him having to make any changes in his living situation -- as his sister had done for their parents (with, I might add, zero help from anyone else in the family except my Mom, who would occasionally come over and give her a night off).

Moving back there would have been the end of my marriage and my sanity (not necessarily in that order). But if he hadn't had that fall, and my older cousin had carried out his plan to move out and leave my Dad rattling around in that big suburban house by himself, I still do not know what would have happened. I used to say, "He keeps trying to pull me in, and I keep reminding myself that I can let go of the rope!" If it had really come to that, I think I would have just not answered the phone, and probably some other cousin would have moved in with him... but... well, you can see how this works, I'm still fearfully puzzling out scenarios, and he's been dead almost 7 years! I do have a great ACA sponsor, but still, this **** is tough!

T

PS -- it's also complicated, and not all bad! My Dad's last words, or at least the last words I ever heard him say, were -- and I quote -- "pork sandwich." So whenever I go down to the caf and there's a pork sandwich on special, I have one for the old guy. I also usually take his bowling balls out of the closet every year on his birthday and roll a few games. I did not hate my father -- he was just impossible!

Eauchiche

Dear BeachFace
I congratulate you for your lucid decision to go NC. What else could you do? One can only do so many AlAnon meetings. Another analogy would be applying topical medication to a big splinter in your finger; it wont heal until you remove the splinter.

I am glad you are here among us. I hope we can be a support to you.

aauser

Oh my, I understand. Recently, I have decided not to talk to my 80 year old Mom. Having been raised Catholic, I understand the guilt and God thing. Honor they Mother and Father. But, my mother never honored me as a child. My Dad was a drunk and out of the house by the time I was 5 but my mother grew up in an active alcoholic home and married one. Very typical but all the 6 children, me being one, were neglected and ignored. Now she wants me to say we had a great childhood, didn't you all have fun she says. FUN. not fun.

I don't know how to deal with this. She mistreated me and still did in my adult life by giving money to all my siblings except me, giving them gifts and me a bag of goodwill clothes for birthdays, never a christmas gift or a word of encouragement in my life. She use to say I'm proud of you for about 1 year, but then she would always say "arent you proud of me?" I wanted to say HELL NO I 'm not proud of you. But I would either say yes or just avoid the question until one night she pushed it hard and i starting telling her everything I think she ever did to me wrong and now SHE is mad at me for saying that. By not saying it, that doesn't make it not real but somehow since I said it outloud now I am a bad person she told all my brothers and sisters. Gee I want to be able to walk away without all this resentment. I can't afford that.