KDUB10

I've known about my husband's drinking for years- 11. The first time I confronted him about the drinking, he blamed me. The next time was a day or so after he almost died. He's diabetic and drinking affects his blood sugar. That was the first time he said he could quit on his own. That was over 4 years ago. I've confronted him once since then, after finding empty vodka bottles on multiple occasions. At this point he admitted he thinks he's an alcoholic and that he can't quit on his own. He went to AA meetings for maybe 2-3 weeks and then stopped. Within the past couple months I've been finding bottles of soda/Gatorade mixed with vodka. It's gone from finding 1 every couple weeks or so, to finding them 3-4 days a week. I'm fairly certain he drives under the influence... quite possibly with our children in the car. As I write this I almost feel like an idiot for not speaking up. I guess I just don't know how to do it. What to say. I don't trust him, I'm not even sure I love him anymore. I have too much anger, resentment, and disappointment toward him. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to approach him... again.

Maudcat

Well, I don't have a lot of advice here, but...
I would approach him when he is sober and you are calm.
I would do what is necessary to protect the kids. Not sure what that would be, though.
Take his keys away? You drive?
I would look into Al-Anon. It is a great program that can help you find answers.
You know what you know. You can't control him, but you can protect your children.

SparkleKitty

Approach him about what? He already knows he is drinking. You already know he is drinking. The question is, how do you want to spend your one precious life?

honeypig

KDUB, I'm wondering why you want to approach him again. It sounds like you've done this multiple times in the past. Regardless of what words come out of his mouth, what he's telling you loud and clear with his actions is that he's not interested in stopping drinking.

There is no magic combination of words that will make an active alcoholic seek sobriety if he's not ready. I know that's not the answer you want; it's not the answer I wanted, either. But it's the truth.

I will second the suggestion for Alanon. Also, please read around the forum here as much as you can, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. What's needed most isn't a way to control AH and his drinking, b/c that is not within your power to do, but for you to educate yourself about alcoholism, about your options, about what you have the power to change and what you don't.

Get your feet under yourself and start thinking about a plan. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and this is the best it will ever be. You need to think about how you're going to protect yourself and your kids. And please, do find a way to NOT let him drive them if you have any faintest inkling that he's been drinking.

Hope you keep reading and posting here--there IS help, there IS hope. You can find your way out.

BrianTX2000

like most people will say, do it when you are calm and he is sober. Since he has already mentioned that he cant quit on his own, you may need to look up some professionals that specialize in addictions and go that route. Also if you need it, you may need to find a therapist for yourself to help you deal with the trauma / resentment.

honeypig

KDUB, your AH is an adult. IF--I repeat, IF--he wants to get sober, HE is perfectly capable of looking up "professionals" or of getting his hind end to an AA meeting.

I want to stress that in NO way is it your job to find help for AH. It is all on HIM. Your concerns should be for yourself and for your children, who have no choice in this matter. AH is an adult. He has been able to find a way to drink and hide it all this time; doesn't it seem he could spend an equal amount of time and energy on getting sober if he wanted it?

I can almost guarantee that the reason he's still drinking after a near-death experience is NOT b/c he simply can't imagine how to find help in stopping...

sugarbear1

why not start attending Al Anon meetings? You can start to heal and detach.

With love and hugs,
SB

least

I second the AlAnon suggestion.

I'd bring it up with him about driving under the influence with the kids in the car. That's a big NO NO. I hope you can get some support for yourself.

Irnldy001

Chiming in to say the only role you get to play is to protect children. You have an obligation to put an end to the drunk driving with kids. Other than that, this is his hill to climb.
Good luck to you.

AnvilheadII

i'd stop the kids being a moving vehicle with him NOW. these are your children, if there even appears to be a threat to their safety, you act immediately, regardless of what the drunk driver thinks.....

here's the deal. he knows he's drinking. you know he's drinking. there isn't anything closet about it. telling HIM what you know is not the issue here......figuring out what YOU are going to do, assuming he does not change. the actions YOU are going to take.

KDUB10

I actually did this very thing this afternoon. He came home from helping a friend and asked my son if he wanted to go back over to the house to help with a couple other things. I immediately went to check the 'hidden' bottle because he had been downstairs. Sure enough, it was empty. I told him I didn't want our son going with him. He asked why not and I let him know that I was not allowing him to get in the car with him.

Maudcat

That is a good thing!

maia1234

I agree with the others. This is really not about you "discussing" his drinking problem with him. The ball is in your court. You know who he is and what he is capable of. You can continue to live with it or you can make changes in your life. Education is power living with an addict.

Work on you and your life will change.

Sasha1972

Good call!

aliciagr

This is good advice. One of the symptoms of substance abuse is denial of the problem. Professionals, as in a Dr. who is trained in addiction medicine, or therapy will be able to help you do many things. I went to one when my husband was first having problems and it was a lifesaver. It helped me learn the medical facts about substance abuse, treatment options, and while it is true that people need to engage in efforts to change.. most professionals are trained to help move people along through the stages of change.. albeit at a slow pace sometimes. Family members are often encouraged to do research and seek out support for themselves and their spouse when in this situation. There is nothing incorrect or wrong with it, but it also isnt something you have to do if you choose not to. The choice is yours alone.

The therapist I worked with helped me deal with the many emotions I had, helped me focus on my own needs, and helped with my anxiety and overall coping skills. The other important part was helping me communicate better with my husband. One rule was to not try to get into conversations when he was not sober, or just not in a good mood. Even when sober, keep in mind, the alcohol affects the brain when its used consistently, so your still dealing with someone who may be compromised.

I also attended Alanon for a while, and you can try it and see if its beneficial. Its a way to meet people, and a place where you can share and not have any cross talk back at you. You can also take what you want and leave the rest because its all based on suggestions from the 12 step program.

Great job posting here also, because I know from my experience it can be tough to share with others. If you have family or friends who are close, I also suggest you open up to them. I isolated for a long time, and when I finally opened up to my loved ones, it was like a weight was lifted from me, and they have been there to support me, and my husbands recovery efforts.