Fear of failure or fear of success???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Fear of failure or fear of success???
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and have stumbled upon the thought of my actually being afraid of success rather than afraid of failure. This realization has literally BLOWN MY MIND!
So much so that I did something I've never done before and I joined a group. It's an internationally recognized weight loss group and my employer provides the weekly meetings onsite over the lunch hour. I need to lose about 10 pounds (which I hear is the average amount a typical participant wants to lose, anyway). The coolest thing of all is that as long as I attend 10 of the 12 meetings, my employer will reimburse me the $135 fee I paid upfront.
I'm excited. I've been waiting for something to get me a bit out of my shell and I believe that this might be the very thing. There are several people on my work team who participate and they keep each other accountable. I do believe this will help me to get healthy. I am also hoping to apply some of what I learn to my sobriety journey.
Here is a cool article about being afraid of success: Are You (Subconsciously) Afraid of Success? - 99U
I'm excited. I've been waiting for something to get me a bit out of my shell and I believe that this might be the very thing. There are several people on my work team who participate and they keep each other accountable. I do believe this will help me to get healthy. I am also hoping to apply some of what I learn to my sobriety journey.
Here is a cool article about being afraid of success: Are You (Subconsciously) Afraid of Success? - 99U
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Lack of faith in oneself, sounds like.
When I think of graduating in a few short months and having to get my own place after that, I get butterflies. I don't get butterflies.
I've been successful before, but I've failed so many times in a row that I part of me thinks I've lost the ability to succeed at anything and it doesn't make sense.
When I think of graduating in a few short months and having to get my own place after that, I get butterflies. I don't get butterflies.
I've been successful before, but I've failed so many times in a row that I part of me thinks I've lost the ability to succeed at anything and it doesn't make sense.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
I sabotaged myself due to fear of success. I had been trying to deal with depression and anxiety for many years before I began drinking, and I had no success with anything I tried. Eventually, I realized I felt more comfortable failing at stopping drinking than succeeding. It was mind-blowing for me, too and I had to sit with myself and understand that, of course, I could succeed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth 
Lack of faith in oneself, sounds like.
I am saying all of this because, for me, I've just hit the jackpot! I've been trying to understand the underlying condition that has caused me to get to where I am at (or not at) in my life. Outwardly, others see me as highly successful and confident. Inwardly, I am anything but! I want that to change desperately and I feel I may have finally, FINALLY stumbled upon the diagnosis. To say that I am elated would be an understatement!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I think you're overthinking things. Yes success depends on continual effort, in all things.
Everyone has insecurities, but many people have a natural instinct to keep those things private because revealing them makes them vulnerable. People take advantage of weaknesses if they can spot them. I think us alcoholics are overly introspective people and focus so much on our own insecurities that we can't see those of others. So we think we're at a disadvantage, but we're not that different from other people. We're not perfect but we're just as capable and just as deserving as success as anyone else.
But I think I'm lucky because all I have to do to get out of the way of the success I have coming to me, is not drink, ever again.
Everyone has insecurities, but many people have a natural instinct to keep those things private because revealing them makes them vulnerable. People take advantage of weaknesses if they can spot them. I think us alcoholics are overly introspective people and focus so much on our own insecurities that we can't see those of others. So we think we're at a disadvantage, but we're not that different from other people. We're not perfect but we're just as capable and just as deserving as success as anyone else.
But I think I'm lucky because all I have to do to get out of the way of the success I have coming to me, is not drink, ever again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by Anna
I sabotaged myself due to fear of success. I had been trying to deal with depression and anxiety for many years before I began drinking, and I had no success with anything I tried. Eventually, I realized I felt more comfortable failing at stopping drinking than succeeding. It was mind-blowing for me, too and I had to sit with myself and understand that, of course, I could succeed.
I have also been dealing with depression and anxiety for YEARS (with medication and counseling) with little to no success. It's been a mild "problem" in my life, always in the background nagging at me like an old biddy. I eventually ended up with a drinking problem that, I would say, began in my late 30's (I'm 45 now). This is my third serious attempt at trying to get and stay sober, but something has always been missing for me. This time around, I was and am determined to work the hardest I ever have at my sobriety. This journey will NOT end, but it will always be the catalyst that pushes me to become my best self. I tell ya, this is truly epiphany hour for me right here!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
I think you're overthinking things.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
That's not what I meant. The only thing that gets in the way of my success is drinking. If I maintain my sobriety, I should not have reason to be afraid of success because there's no reason it should elude me. I suspect your fear that success will elude you has to do with fear of relapse really.. I don't know that anything was solved because it was put in a different frame.
Sorry I will keep my thoughts to myself from now on, I can see they aren't wanted.
Sorry I will keep my thoughts to myself from now on, I can see they aren't wanted.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I gave up ice cream and lost 10 pounds at 6 years of sobriety. Prior to this, I wasn't so concerned with my weight, I focused on staying stopped!
I don't drink soda (well, really rarely, maybe 20 ounces in a week or two.
Simple changes can help us!
Keep moving forward!!!
I don't drink soda (well, really rarely, maybe 20 ounces in a week or two.
Simple changes can help us!
Keep moving forward!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
I gave up ice cream and lost 10 pounds at 6 years of sobriety. Prior to this, I wasn't so concerned with my weight, I focused on staying stopped!
I don't drink soda (well, really rarely, maybe 20 ounces in a week or two.
Simple changes can help us!
Keep moving forward!!!
I don't drink soda (well, really rarely, maybe 20 ounces in a week or two.
Simple changes can help us!
Keep moving forward!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
That's a great article and website. Thank you for sharing. Tons of good info there.
10 lbs....easy peasy, I'd start shopping around to see what you're going to spend your $135 on since you're getting it back once you've dropped your 10 lbs.
10 lbs....easy peasy, I'd start shopping around to see what you're going to spend your $135 on since you're getting it back once you've dropped your 10 lbs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
It's amazing the revelations I have had when I don't drink. BC I drank so as not to think.
Add that I'm attempting to spin things positively if I can or just accept them and/or devise a plan of attack....and this go around has been so much of a relief.
My problems aren't going to disapate nor disappear, (shoot new issues are bound to crop up) but my coping skills are coming back. I'm learning new ones. Alcoholism doesn't allow for anyone to give themselves a solitary chance. Abstaining makes all kinds of new things possible. I had to change my drinking (by stopping) and change my thinking.
By simply reminding myself that everyone has problems, and many more horrendous than mine, yet they get through it without a drink? I can too. I may never be able to drink normally, but I'm going to start living normally again. Good, bad, indifferent. It's like a challenge now. It sounds crazy, but by simply changing my outlook, duh....has made this different. Success can be mine and I'm no longer afraid. What's scary is how I was living like I was. Finally. I think subconsciously I also felt I didn't deserve to be successful. Apparently I'm a slow learner 😉 best late than never. If I'm not my own Cheerleader, who the heck is going to be?
Good luck with the weight loss program. You *can* do anything!
Jules
Add that I'm attempting to spin things positively if I can or just accept them and/or devise a plan of attack....and this go around has been so much of a relief.
My problems aren't going to disapate nor disappear, (shoot new issues are bound to crop up) but my coping skills are coming back. I'm learning new ones. Alcoholism doesn't allow for anyone to give themselves a solitary chance. Abstaining makes all kinds of new things possible. I had to change my drinking (by stopping) and change my thinking.
By simply reminding myself that everyone has problems, and many more horrendous than mine, yet they get through it without a drink? I can too. I may never be able to drink normally, but I'm going to start living normally again. Good, bad, indifferent. It's like a challenge now. It sounds crazy, but by simply changing my outlook, duh....has made this different. Success can be mine and I'm no longer afraid. What's scary is how I was living like I was. Finally. I think subconsciously I also felt I didn't deserve to be successful. Apparently I'm a slow learner 😉 best late than never. If I'm not my own Cheerleader, who the heck is going to be?
Good luck with the weight loss program. You *can* do anything!
Jules
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by thomas11
That's a great article and website. Thank you for sharing. Tons of good info there.
10 lbs....easy peasy, I'd start shopping around to see what you're going to spend your $135 on since you're getting it back once you've dropped your 10 lbs.
10 lbs....easy peasy, I'd start shopping around to see what you're going to spend your $135 on since you're getting it back once you've dropped your 10 lbs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
Originally Posted by Jules714
It's amazing the revelations I have had when I don't drink. BC I drank so as not to think.
Add that I'm attempting to spin things positively if I can or just accept them and/or devise a plan of attack....and this go around has been so much of a relief.
My problems aren't going to disapate nor disappear, (shoot new issues are bound to crop up) but my coping skills are coming back. I'm learning new ones. Alcoholism doesn't allow for anyone to give themselves a solitary chance. Abstaining makes all kinds of new things possible. I had to change my drinking (by stopping) and change my thinking.
By simply reminding myself that everyone has problems, and many more horrendous than mine, yet they get through it without a drink? I can too. I may never be able to drink normally, but I'm going to start living normally again. Good, bad, indifferent. It's like a challenge now. It sounds crazy, but by simply changing my outlook, duh....has made this different. Success can be mine and I'm no longer afraid. What's scary is how I was living like I was. Finally. I think subconsciously I also felt I didn't deserve to be successful. Apparently I'm a slow learner 😉 best late than never. If I'm not my own Cheerleader, who the heck is going to be?
Good luck with the weight loss program. You *can* do anything!
Jules
Add that I'm attempting to spin things positively if I can or just accept them and/or devise a plan of attack....and this go around has been so much of a relief.
My problems aren't going to disapate nor disappear, (shoot new issues are bound to crop up) but my coping skills are coming back. I'm learning new ones. Alcoholism doesn't allow for anyone to give themselves a solitary chance. Abstaining makes all kinds of new things possible. I had to change my drinking (by stopping) and change my thinking.
By simply reminding myself that everyone has problems, and many more horrendous than mine, yet they get through it without a drink? I can too. I may never be able to drink normally, but I'm going to start living normally again. Good, bad, indifferent. It's like a challenge now. It sounds crazy, but by simply changing my outlook, duh....has made this different. Success can be mine and I'm no longer afraid. What's scary is how I was living like I was. Finally. I think subconsciously I also felt I didn't deserve to be successful. Apparently I'm a slow learner 😉 best late than never. If I'm not my own Cheerleader, who the heck is going to be?
Good luck with the weight loss program. You *can* do anything!
Jules
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Hi Pippo! Your revelation has got me doing quite a bit of thinking. Fear of success vs fear of failure. Hmmmm...... I think for me it's as basic as I don't even know what success is any more. The more sober days I have the more I realise that I can never "succeed" at recovery as it's a lifelong lifestyle change (terrifying currently but - you know the one - OTAAT). Plus now that I feel like I'm entering a very raw phase. Life on life's terms and I'm utterly exposed. A bit like having to live life naked whilst everyone else is fully clothed (that's the best way I can describe it). So my successes are little teeny weeny ones. Baby steps if you like. That'll do me for now.
I suspect having an inbuilt saboteur is contributing to how you feel and yes I get it. You've recognised it and I think having little eureka moments like that on our journey can only help.
Underlying anxiety, depression etc are an issue for many alcoholics and a big part of why we turn to the bottle in the first place. Well that was how it started for me. Self medication quickly turning into dependency turning into addiction......
I personally think it's a great idea that you are isolating one area of your life and taking action in a very practical way. Very brave too I might add!
Take care sweetheart you know you're one of my SR "idols" !!!
I suspect having an inbuilt saboteur is contributing to how you feel and yes I get it. You've recognised it and I think having little eureka moments like that on our journey can only help.
Underlying anxiety, depression etc are an issue for many alcoholics and a big part of why we turn to the bottle in the first place. Well that was how it started for me. Self medication quickly turning into dependency turning into addiction......
I personally think it's a great idea that you are isolating one area of your life and taking action in a very practical way. Very brave too I might add!
Take care sweetheart you know you're one of my SR "idols" !!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
