Nedrax

Hello, just wanted to introduce myself and say how glad I am to have found this forum, for the past year I have very little opportunity to interact with people who can relate to what I've been going through - I've felt very isolated at times and its eye opening to see how many similar stories there are out there, I don't feel as alone, thanks.

Thought it would be good to share my story and see if anyone has any insight or advice-I feel like I've got a decent handle on things but I'm still experiencing some feelings of insecurity and worthlessness, hoping it will be short lived and I can feel better as time goes on.

So I got married about 6 years ago, dated my ex-AW for a year prior, felt some pressure to get married because of already having an unplanned 2 year old from a previous relationship and wanted to provide a more stable home (terrible logic, not sure what I was thinking). After the first year of marriage we had a son together, he's now 5. At the time when we met I had just finished college and she was in college, we were both drinking I guess what would be considered 'normal' college drinking. After our son was born we continued drinking for a couple years, however at some point it seemed like her drinking was increasing and mine was slowing down.

I started to realize she may have a problem but had no idea what alcoholism really was, and thought that since we were both functioning adults with jobs that she/we couldn't have drinking problems. I started brining the drinking up fairly often, it was always dismissed or deflected, and the less I drank the more I realized things were getting out of control. The beginning of 2016 was when things really started to spiral out of control, she was going through vodka very quickly and she started making me feel like I was the one ruining the relationship, so I told her I'd go see a therapist (very glad I did). After the first visit the counselor asked if I was sure she wasn't having an affair- I insisted that couldn't be the case.

After a couple months everything came out, saw her using Tinder on her phone, found out about an affair, found out she'd been giving my older son's medicine to the paramour (adderal/vyvance), and found empty liquor bottles in her car she used to take the kids to and from school. She had been hiding liquor in addition to the liquor she kept out in the open - the amount she was drinking was baffling. I was completely shocked, at this point the gravity of the situation was just incredible, fortunately I'd already been seeing a therapist and was able to ask her to leave without conflict. I was also very fortunate she wasn't very confrontational-I believe she wanted to avoid conflict to minimize any embarrassment that could prevent her from drinking.

Me and my kids moved out a month later (actually had already been planning a move, she just stayed behind basically), she went from being their primary caregiver as far as picking up and taking to school (she worked restaurant hours) to almost no involvement at all.

Fast forward to now, divorce will be finalized in a couple weeks- she's seen our son about 30 minutes a month for the past several months (she's living about an hour away now). Its heart breaking every time my son talks about her, recently he was worried it was his fault she's not around, as he's getting older he's becoming more aware of how much time is passing between visits and I can tell he's really sad about it.

Its been rough but definitely not as hard I'm sure as a lot of the stories I've read, especially with physical/mental abuse involved-I've been fortunate that in my case she's been very avoidant. I wonder sometimes if there is drug use too just because of how avoidant and absent she is, has anyone else experienced the other parent just basically exiting from the family with very little to no contact? Is she just so ashamed she can't bring herself to be around us? I just don't know what to think- I want her to spend time with our son I hate being a single parent instead of co-parenting.

Anyway sorry for the long post just helps me to write it all out and would be great to hear any feedback from folks with similar life experiences.

Ladybird579

Welcome to SR.

as anyone else experienced the other parent just basically exiting from the family with very little to no contact?

Yes. My now exah left 4 times and each time dropped off the radar as far as his children were concerned with no contact whatsoever for weeks. The first time they were 9. Now we are divorced they hardly hear from him. He missed their 18th, Christmas and Easter. He never, ever answers texts or picks up his phone. He's not interested. He's not ashamed Our kids just don't feature in his life. I doubt your ex is ashamed either. One thing I learnt is you cannot co parent with an active alcoholic. They cannot look after themselves, never mind a child. Your child has you. You are stable and love him. He will get used to this being the way it is in time and will understand better when he is older.

honeypig

I just want to say welcome to SR, Nedrax. Don't worry that your story is "not as bad as" some here. It's always way more helpful to focus on the things we all have in common rather than our differences. And your story sounds pretty awful to me.

I'm so glad you had been seeing a therapist and were ready/able to take action quickly. I'm also glad that you're feeling at home here in the forum. Please, keep reading and posting. Everyone's experiences are useful and I'd love to see more shares from you in the future.

Again, welcome to SR! Glad to have you.

LexieCat

Hi, Ned, and welcome!

I was fortunate that my kiddos' dad had gotten sober a year before we got married--we had the world's friendliest/most amicable divorce and co-parented successfully till kids were on their own. That's what sobriety can get you, and maybe if she someday chooses to do the work necessary to get sober and learn to live happily that way she can again be involved in your son's life.

As sad as it is for him to have a mom that is absent, though, it would be far worse to have a dysfunctional drunk who insists on putting his well-being at risk. I'd suggest getting him hooked up with a counselor/therapist--maybe one at school if he's started school by now. When he's a little older, Alateen is a great resource to be with other kids dealing with an alcoholic parent.

I think you sound like a terrific dad. And I hope you remember to take good care of you, too.

Maudcat

Welcome, Nedrax.

Refiner

He Nedrax and welcome. Unfortunately your story is all too common with addicts disappearing from their children's lives. Although it seems more often with the fathers, addiction doesn't discriminate. If she's stealing your son's medicine and giving it to someone else, I'd bet dollars to donuts she's into drugs too. Thankfully your children (and her 5 year old!) are solely in your capable hands. I guess the only advice I can offer is don't try to get his hopes up with his mother. If she gets better later in life and wants to establish a relationship, that's one thing. But for now she's a selfish addict who has chosen her DOC over her husband and child. And thank God he has a strong and smart Dad in his life to watch over him and be a good role model!

Smarie78

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. The addict in my life has thrown the baby out with the bath water. Twice. Addicts can't do life on life's terms unless they recognize a problem and get help. It's almost like a delusion where if it gets in the way of their addiction or pink cloud they get rid of it. Now another thing to consider is that while addicts tend to behave in these kinds of irresponsible and vanishing ways , they are still responsible for their actions. Many addicts abandon their families, many non-addicts abandon their families. Now switch that and reverse it!

In other words, while the addiction is a great source of her reckless spiraling, be wary of focusing much on the why and instead focus on the what. My Abf had affairs and did all sort of crappy stuff to me and despite the fact that he's an addict and the behavior felt "typical", it didn't CAUSE him to cheat or vanish. His own choices did. Addicts have a lot of pain they are using to escape from. A hole it's described that's always looking to fill up. They tend to run and numb it with sex or booze or pills and anything else that lets them escape from a reality they can't handle.

I'm sorry for you and your babies. Just keep being the best you can to them and know you can only control only what you can.

timetohealguy

That is truly heartbreaking. Kids can take on things as if they are their fault when they are not.

There is a book here for kids about that ...

https://www.google.com/search?q=book...not+your+fault

My ex and I didnt have kids, but my ex completely cut me off emotionally and has had no contact whatsoever with the kids in our extended family - the kids were very close to her, they really miss her and they had never had anyone just disappear from their lives like that.

She ended our relationship of many years over the phone, in a rage.

She spoke to me a bit by phone after that, but refused to talk to me in person, then the phone calls stopped completely. She hasn't spoken to me in a number of years now.

I tried many times to see if she would meet to talk or consider reconciling in any way and it was like trying to talk to a brick wall.

That part of it all has been incredibly difficult for me to cope with.

I read some books about emotional cutoff, particularly this book ...

https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Cut...dp/0789014602/

A friend told me that my ex can't face herself and how she treated me.

Complete emotional cutoff is incredibly difficult to cope with - I consider it a severe form of abuse. It is a very different thing to "no contact" being implemented to protect a victim of abuse from their abuser.

An article I read about emotional cutoff says that often people who cut others off have a history of emotional cutoff in their family of origin, where when there is a problem instead of working through it and moving forward, they have had an example shown to them of cutting people off. It is such a difficult thing to cope with.

Nedrax

Thanks everyone for the feedback - it really means a lot to me, I appreciate it!