qtpi

Hello SR friends! I just read the Sticky on Control- and I can really relate to it- except today I am moving away from doing it quite so much. It is easier to let go and let God. I am more relaxed about the financial settlement that still hasn't happened. I have enough to live well even though it is not done yet. I am more relaxed about my adult children. My daughter and I seem to be on a more even keel- I am setting boundaries with her and not accepting unkind rude behavior- and what do you know- she is coming around. I am seeing a counselor so I can deal with the difficult emotional conundrum of having an adult son who refuses to see me. It helps. It still hurts like mad but the counselling helps.

The other thing that has happened is I do not go to Alanon anymore. That's what I wanted to talk about here. Without a raging addict/alcoholic in my life now- well anyway, the two groups I had attended mostly consist of people who are still in relationship with alcoholics and are not going to leave. I understand I cannot give advice and I don't- but I feel like they are all sailing on a different ship than me. They say personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity- and it seems like the unity is in staying with untreated addicts- in those two groups.

Going to a really good counselor last spring is what helped me move out. I like SR because so many people here have left alcoholics and I actually get to see that happening and lives changing for the better. I like it when people give advice like "Run!" I do not think my life would have gotten better continuing to live with my XAH no matter how much I detached, how much I set boundaries, how much I built my own independent life.

So now I feel like I am on a raft in the middle of the ocean- and trying to learn how to navigate and where I want to sail to. The kids are grown and doing okay. My job is stable and satisfying. I am learning about myself - and trying to decide what I want out of this life. I know I want connection with people, and good health- and I am blessed with both, thank you HP! So onward I sail. Thank you to everyone here for all the support and words of wisdom.

Wisconsin

What a great update! And yes, I totally agree that detachment is not a long-term coping mechanism for staying in a relationship with an active addict. I think that is really hard to understand at first, when you are in crisis. But I came to realize that the purpose of detachment (for me, anyway), was as a short- and medium-term coping skill that made it easier for me to get my head on straight so I could get my ducks in a row and leave.

Maudcat

Hi, qtpi. Great to hear from you.
You sound good, strong and focused.
I'm glad things are going smoother with the adult children, too.
Re Al-Anon. I hear what you are saying. I knew many people in my home group who were invested in staying with the alcoholic, but I also knew people who were done and had left.
So...it can go both ways.
I had an awesome home group when we lived in another state. Diverse, large, lots of ESH.
I learned so much from those folks.
The meetings where we live now are smaller, less diverse.
And there is a lot of "staying with the alcoholic" going on.
I go to meetings, but not regularly, and it's a bit ironic.
Because now I see the alcoholic in my life, my sib, almost every day when I visit my mother.
Anyway, no real point here. The nice thing about Al-Anon and SR is that they are here when you need them.

atalose

I know for me without having learned the concepts and principals of al-anon I would still be drifting out there in the middle of the ocean unsure of how to sail and which direction was the healthiest for me to head in.

In the years that I have been in al-anon I’ve seen the tide change often, many members wishing to remain with the active A until the tide changes again when they reach a better understanding and acceptance of being powerless over another person’s drinking and they want to jump ship in order to save themselves. Working on the guilt, obligation and fear of letting go rather than continuing to attempt covert ways to get there loved one to stop drinking.

I’m glad you are at peace and excited for you to begin the next chapter in your life.

Ariesagain

You sound great and I'm really happy for you!

Sending you a hug!

hopeful4

Great update, I love hearing you so mentally healthy.

Alanon is not for everyone, and each group can be hugely different. I agree, I got lots out of counseling and here at SR. I also got lots out of Celebrate Recovery, and still attend once in a while. But I too got to a point that my life was just in a different place than so many there.

Great to hear from you!

LexieCat

What an upbeat update! So pleased for you!

It sounds as if you're doing just fine with your therapist, so I wouldn't worry about not continuing with Al-Anon. You know it's there if you need it, and no doubt you did pick up some good tools you can put to work in your alcoholic-free life. The principles of the program are something that did a great deal for me, even though it's been years and years since I've attended an Al-Anon meeting.

Hugs!

Hummer

Thanks for the positive post
I'ts really pleasing to hear things are settled for you and life is on the up!

FeelingGreat

Good to hear from your qtpi, and that you're happy and strong. You're 100% right about not accepting disrespectful behaviour from anyone, including your daughter. It's not as if you've done something to be ashamed or sorry about.

I hope your son comes around soon. Its strange that as an adult he's chosen to take sides; you'd have hoped he had some maturity and perspective.

SR is a great source of wisdom and at times plain speaking. Its so satisfying that you've been inspired to make a new life for yourself.

Bekindalways

qtpi, I hope your new place is nice and gives you a sense of the fresh page you seem to be in life.

I never did the Alanon route so I feel a bit hypocritical that I often suggest it to folks here. I know it has saved many.