God, Alcoholics, and Divorce
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
God, Alcoholics, and Divorce
I was raised Catholic/Christian. While I am still building my faith, I do try to live by these concepts. And I'm struggling with this. AH and I are going down the path to divorce. After 15 years together, 11 married, I cant live like this anymore. If he were making solid efforts I would be willing to stay longer. But as you have all agreed / convinced me in earlier posts.....he's not really trying. Also our relationship is dead. Even the days he is sober there is no trust left which has essentially killed everything else.
How have people come to terms with divorce with respect to church? Any good articles, books, words of wisdom? Based on my readings, the church does not approve unless you are cheated on or beaten best I can tell. So where does this leave me? Or people in similar situations? I feel like those of us with alcoholic spouses endure a lot of terrible things that don't fall in either of those categories. So in the eyes of God I should stay anyways?
I struggle with my own guilt in this area as well as the guilt I feel from others on this. These sappy social media posts and articles about marriage and staying together no matter what, etc are getting to me. I just want to say....pretty sure your staying together "no matter what" isn't what my "no matter what" reality has been sweetie! People just don't get struggles until they have experienced struggles.
How have people come to terms with divorce with respect to church? Any good articles, books, words of wisdom? Based on my readings, the church does not approve unless you are cheated on or beaten best I can tell. So where does this leave me? Or people in similar situations? I feel like those of us with alcoholic spouses endure a lot of terrible things that don't fall in either of those categories. So in the eyes of God I should stay anyways?
I struggle with my own guilt in this area as well as the guilt I feel from others on this. These sappy social media posts and articles about marriage and staying together no matter what, etc are getting to me. I just want to say....pretty sure your staying together "no matter what" isn't what my "no matter what" reality has been sweetie! People just don't get struggles until they have experienced struggles.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
He's cheating on you with his addiction.
If God exists, He didn't put you here to waste your one precious life being unhappy.
The God "of your understanding" can be understanding, yes?
Sending you a hug.
If God exists, He didn't put you here to waste your one precious life being unhappy.
The God "of your understanding" can be understanding, yes?
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
My father was a senior Anglican priest. Because of my drinking- I ended up in hospital here I was saved from death x3 from burns- so it was a double header. My ex refused to be my NOK. We are in the process of divorce.
I accept the damage I have caused and only want ALL to heal, thus have agreed to everything the ex asked for without argument, delay or bad feeling.
Church doctrine was written by people who knew people would read the bible as a guide for morality.
The high moral ground is 'for better or worse, in sickness and health..till death do us part.'
I was dead. No one came- not my family or god. I prayed for the fear, guilt and my pain. Divorce is a way of people to deal with horrible things in their lives. Is is 'right' for my ex. to stay married to a person she loathes? Is it 'right' for me to impune hatred and no forgiveness for being abandoned (I check the dictionary definition- it is so)? The answer is a very loud NO!
I trust my ex. to do the right thing, as I try to do.
Is it 'right' to not allow abortion for a 13 year old girl who has been gang raped?
I leave those ABSOLUTE decisions to god- whatever the hell that means.
I was raised on high Church stuff..the rituals, incense, hymns......
Even Jesus supposedly shouted at dad- 'why did you leave me alone?'.
I do my imperfect best to not hurt, to offer healing and sanity.
Wars have been started by god. The holy crusades, the Spanish inquisition.
How many first nation people of any country have been forcibly removed from their parents- 'so they can be raised with a decent Christian upbringing'..to find abuse, mental health issues and suicide..not to mention addiction.
Addicted people are in the main not evil, narcisstic, gaslighting craps who purposely go out of their way to destroy. YET DESTROY THEY DO. AS IDID.
Maybe I will not be forgiven, or divorce is wrong according to a pope- who runs a church which is ruledby people who cannot marry. This rule was originally orchestrated so lands belonging to priests, on death would not go to the widow. More money in the coffers.
I think all people can do is the best, right and humane thing...by each other so long as sanity and safety do not suffer.
My compassion, empathy and support to you and yours. Also my prayers, whatever that means, to god- whatever that is.
I accept the damage I have caused and only want ALL to heal, thus have agreed to everything the ex asked for without argument, delay or bad feeling.
Church doctrine was written by people who knew people would read the bible as a guide for morality.
The high moral ground is 'for better or worse, in sickness and health..till death do us part.'
I was dead. No one came- not my family or god. I prayed for the fear, guilt and my pain. Divorce is a way of people to deal with horrible things in their lives. Is is 'right' for my ex. to stay married to a person she loathes? Is it 'right' for me to impune hatred and no forgiveness for being abandoned (I check the dictionary definition- it is so)? The answer is a very loud NO!
I trust my ex. to do the right thing, as I try to do.
Is it 'right' to not allow abortion for a 13 year old girl who has been gang raped?
I leave those ABSOLUTE decisions to god- whatever the hell that means.
I was raised on high Church stuff..the rituals, incense, hymns......
Even Jesus supposedly shouted at dad- 'why did you leave me alone?'.
I do my imperfect best to not hurt, to offer healing and sanity.
Wars have been started by god. The holy crusades, the Spanish inquisition.
How many first nation people of any country have been forcibly removed from their parents- 'so they can be raised with a decent Christian upbringing'..to find abuse, mental health issues and suicide..not to mention addiction.
Addicted people are in the main not evil, narcisstic, gaslighting craps who purposely go out of their way to destroy. YET DESTROY THEY DO. AS IDID.
Maybe I will not be forgiven, or divorce is wrong according to a pope- who runs a church which is ruledby people who cannot marry. This rule was originally orchestrated so lands belonging to priests, on death would not go to the widow. More money in the coffers.
I think all people can do is the best, right and humane thing...by each other so long as sanity and safety do not suffer.
My compassion, empathy and support to you and yours. Also my prayers, whatever that means, to god- whatever that is.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Bathcel
I am Catholic.
The Church grants annulments when it determines that a valid marriage never took place. Being cheated upon is not always a deal breaker.
That being said, they grant the majority of the annulments that are applied for in this country. In fact, a friend of mine is on the local tribunal that hears these cases, and he describes it as "Annulments Are Us."
I hope you are successful in extracting yourself from this situation.
I am Catholic.
The Church grants annulments when it determines that a valid marriage never took place. Being cheated upon is not always a deal breaker.
That being said, they grant the majority of the annulments that are applied for in this country. In fact, a friend of mine is on the local tribunal that hears these cases, and he describes it as "Annulments Are Us."
I hope you are successful in extracting yourself from this situation.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
batchel, I was raised in a pretty devout Catholic household. Spent 8 years in Catholic school in the 60s. Back then divorce was not common among the general population, never mind among Catholic families.
I remember the priest coming to the house to counsel my alcoholic father, which never worked. When I was 12, my mother mustered up the courage to kick him out and she divorced him.
My understanding then was that divorce is not the issue. It's the remarriage, because you're always married in the eyes of the Church, so unless you get an annulment, you can be separated or even divorced, but can't remarry.
My mother did remarry, and I remember sitting in Sister Teresa Clare's classroom when a friend passed me a note saying "I read in the paper that your mother got MARRIED??!!" I was so humiliated and ashamed, and told her "please don't tell anyone!" because I knew that the remarriage meant excommunication.
That being said, I went from living in a chaotic, unstable home to a life of absolute routine, order, and joy. It was like waking from a coma. I made tons of friends, joined every school club I could, and life was perfect. In my high school yearbook, I put as my ambition "To stay happy."
So, don't fear the consequences from the Church. This isn't 1960 anymore, and you don't have the social pressures, or even the religious pressures to act a certain way. Prayerfully do what's best for you and your family. God wants you to thrive.
I remember the priest coming to the house to counsel my alcoholic father, which never worked. When I was 12, my mother mustered up the courage to kick him out and she divorced him.
My understanding then was that divorce is not the issue. It's the remarriage, because you're always married in the eyes of the Church, so unless you get an annulment, you can be separated or even divorced, but can't remarry.
My mother did remarry, and I remember sitting in Sister Teresa Clare's classroom when a friend passed me a note saying "I read in the paper that your mother got MARRIED??!!" I was so humiliated and ashamed, and told her "please don't tell anyone!" because I knew that the remarriage meant excommunication.
That being said, I went from living in a chaotic, unstable home to a life of absolute routine, order, and joy. It was like waking from a coma. I made tons of friends, joined every school club I could, and life was perfect. In my high school yearbook, I put as my ambition "To stay happy."
So, don't fear the consequences from the Church. This isn't 1960 anymore, and you don't have the social pressures, or even the religious pressures to act a certain way. Prayerfully do what's best for you and your family. God wants you to thrive.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
How have people come to terms with divorce with respect to church? Any good articles, books, words of wisdom? Based on my readings, the church does not approve unless you are cheated on or beaten best I can tell. So where does this leave me? Or people in similar situations? I feel like those of us with alcoholic spouses endure a lot of terrible things that don't fall in either of those categories. So in the eyes of God I should stay anyways?
I am a Christian and I struggled with this and stayed 20 years too long. My own Pastor made me see that my marriage was a sham. It was one sided, cos I loved him and he only loved to drink. He didn't even love himself. He could never be a husband to me in the proper sense of the word. My exah was cheating on us with his alcohol abuse. He had no intention of EVER seeking recovery and his emotional abuse of me made me, and our kids, totally miserable.
I knew God did not want me to live my one short life on this earth bound to such a man. The way we are treated by active alcoholics is abuse just as bad, and sometimes worse, as if we were physically beaten. An active alcoholic has no investment in keeping a marriage happy or being an equal partner. It's not a marriage at all. So what there's to divorce....? You went into it with the best of intentions. Simply put he didn't. I saw my divorce as a severing of legal ties. It had nothing to do with God. It wasn't sanctioned by him in the first place. It was my bad for marrying him.
I am a Christian and I struggled with this and stayed 20 years too long. My own Pastor made me see that my marriage was a sham. It was one sided, cos I loved him and he only loved to drink. He didn't even love himself. He could never be a husband to me in the proper sense of the word. My exah was cheating on us with his alcohol abuse. He had no intention of EVER seeking recovery and his emotional abuse of me made me, and our kids, totally miserable.
I knew God did not want me to live my one short life on this earth bound to such a man. The way we are treated by active alcoholics is abuse just as bad, and sometimes worse, as if we were physically beaten. An active alcoholic has no investment in keeping a marriage happy or being an equal partner. It's not a marriage at all. So what there's to divorce....? You went into it with the best of intentions. Simply put he didn't. I saw my divorce as a severing of legal ties. It had nothing to do with God. It wasn't sanctioned by him in the first place. It was my bad for marrying him.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
were you married in the Catholic Church?
one can get a legal divorce without the permission of the Church. however one could not re-marry IN the church unless the former marriage is annulled.
one can get a legal divorce without the permission of the Church. however one could not re-marry IN the church unless the former marriage is annulled.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Maybe you could try looking for a Christian counselor? It would be a good topic to discuss with someone in the same faith. Im sure its something that comes up often, and I feel its something that needs to resolve in one's own heart and mind.
I have also spend some time on marriage forums, and Ive seen this topic discussed. Browsing around sites like that might give you insite also.
I have also spend some time on marriage forums, and Ive seen this topic discussed. Browsing around sites like that might give you insite also.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Batchel,
This woman gets it... I have read her responses and listened
to her some of her videos and she does not advocate staying
in emotionally destructive marriages and she also
talks about finding your own voice.
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage Video Series - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling
I was raised Catholic and now feel it completed my thwarted
spiritual growth until I left it. I am now Lutheran and have been
so blessed with deep spiritual growth at this church.
This woman gets it... I have read her responses and listened
to her some of her videos and she does not advocate staying
in emotionally destructive marriages and she also
talks about finding your own voice.
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage Video Series - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling
I was raised Catholic and now feel it completed my thwarted
spiritual growth until I left it. I am now Lutheran and have been
so blessed with deep spiritual growth at this church.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
My parents divorced after 27 years. My father was granted an annulment because he wasn't made aware of the of the potential of mental illness. My father remarried in a non Catholic setting because they were still going through the annulment. After the annulment was granted they had the ceremony to be recognized in the Catholic church. My step mother also a divorced Catholic, her ex an alcoholic. My step mother received an annulment.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Saul of tarsus slayed christians in the name of Christianity.
then became one of Christs greatest disciples.
God tells us a few things about getting away/staying away from that which is unrighteous and/or evil.
get off of social media. many of those article writers havent read what the bible says about common sense or staying away from evil.
john 3:16
ya might want to look up scripture on Gods forgiveness,too.
one way i stop feeling guilty about my actions is by NOT making other people God.
then became one of Christs greatest disciples.
God tells us a few things about getting away/staying away from that which is unrighteous and/or evil.
get off of social media. many of those article writers havent read what the bible says about common sense or staying away from evil.
john 3:16
ya might want to look up scripture on Gods forgiveness,too.
one way i stop feeling guilty about my actions is by NOT making other people God.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
You are asking humans to give you direction. You must live with whatever decision you make.... Might I suggest a women's biblical study or a biblical Divorce Care group. The DCG is all about scripture and what it says about divorce.
IMHO abused or cheated multiple times on will let you out of marriage. To live with your decision please make sure you get a better understanding. It does make it more black and white.
AG
IMHO abused or cheated multiple times on will let you out of marriage. To live with your decision please make sure you get a better understanding. It does make it more black and white.
AG
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
A cousin of mine was married in a Catholic Church to a guy who was an abusive alcoholic. I do not know all the details, but she got an annulment, and it was pretty fast because he was physically abusive (the neighbors called the cops on him, and he never ever had contact with her afterwards).
I just do not see how anyone would even dare to expect her (or anyone else) to stay in such a relationship. Yes, there are marriage wows, but once there is any type of abuse, no one is obliged to stay.
I just do not see how anyone would even dare to expect her (or anyone else) to stay in such a relationship. Yes, there are marriage wows, but once there is any type of abuse, no one is obliged to stay.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I, once, had the same kind of conflict, early in my first marriage, because I was using birth control and I knew it was against the rules. I felt like a complete fraud, every time I walked into the Church.....
I remember spending an agonizing year coming to some resolution and peace, within myself....
I remember spending an agonizing year coming to some resolution and peace, within myself....
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
one way i stop feeling guilty about my actions is by NOT making other people God.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by tomsteve
one way i stop feeling guilty about my actions is by NOT making other people God.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 52
I stayed in a marriage where I was being physically abused because I thought the only biblical reason for divorce was being cheated on.
Once I became pregnant after 10 years and he outright told me since I had punished him by getting pregnant he would punish me by getting a mistress and did, I waited until my son was born, he moved in with his mistress and I filed for divorce.
To be honest I wish I would have divorced him right away and not wasted 12 years of my life being physically abused, emotionally mentally and financially abused.
I should have left the marriage and not been physically abused and just went on with God's forgiveness from there.
Once I became pregnant after 10 years and he outright told me since I had punished him by getting pregnant he would punish me by getting a mistress and did, I waited until my son was born, he moved in with his mistress and I filed for divorce.
To be honest I wish I would have divorced him right away and not wasted 12 years of my life being physically abused, emotionally mentally and financially abused.
I should have left the marriage and not been physically abused and just went on with God's forgiveness from there.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My opinion is if you believe in a punishing God and religion that says you must remain married to a unhealthy situation affecting you own mental/physical health then I guess you must remain married. But if you believe in a loving God, a God of understanding then leaving that unhealthy situation is acceptable.
And I have always like this expression I read here on SR……………..a marriage license is not a suicide pact.
And I have always like this expression I read here on SR……………..a marriage license is not a suicide pact.
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