God, Alcoholics, and Divorce
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Simply put, I refuse to believe that God wants people to stay in toxic marriages, especially when one partner is consumed by a disease that makes it impossible for that partner to be a full participant in the relationship, or to participate fully in something like counseling.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am in a faith that is similar to Catholicism, many of the same beliefs.
While my X did cheat with another woman, I also felt he cheated on me with addiction. It became his bride, his lover, his #1. I have told my pastor this, and he agreed with me.
I know that through my faith I am saved, with grace. I am faithful. I pray. I try my best to lead a good life with kindness and goodness. I fall, I get back up My God is still my God, and he still loves me, just as he loves you.
While my X did cheat with another woman, I also felt he cheated on me with addiction. It became his bride, his lover, his #1. I have told my pastor this, and he agreed with me.
I know that through my faith I am saved, with grace. I am faithful. I pray. I try my best to lead a good life with kindness and goodness. I fall, I get back up My God is still my God, and he still loves me, just as he loves you.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
I had a "starter" marriage. We were as unhealthy together as 2 people could be without active addictions happening. (I was sober (but not really in recovery) for 6 yrs, in my late 20's, early 30's, before I met and married my now husband 
).
I prayed like crazy for our marriage to be healed, believing that staying in this marriage must be God's will. "let no man put unsunder". My x refused to go to marriage counseling or to do anything to make things better. I was equally at fault, with my unresolved issues. Together, we were a mess, two people who did not belong together.
In the end, I finally came to believe that God didn't want me to cling to something that was long dead. Just because we got married didn't make that mistake to be carved in stone. When we separated, I felt like a 1000 pound weight was lifted from me. I have never, for one single moment, felt like I made a mistake to end that marriage.
I believe that God is very present in my life, even when I haven't been acknowledging Him.
If it were your beloved child in this marriage, what would you have them do?
Sorry, I got a bit rambly
).I prayed like crazy for our marriage to be healed, believing that staying in this marriage must be God's will. "let no man put unsunder". My x refused to go to marriage counseling or to do anything to make things better. I was equally at fault, with my unresolved issues. Together, we were a mess, two people who did not belong together.
In the end, I finally came to believe that God didn't want me to cling to something that was long dead. Just because we got married didn't make that mistake to be carved in stone. When we separated, I felt like a 1000 pound weight was lifted from me. I have never, for one single moment, felt like I made a mistake to end that marriage.
I believe that God is very present in my life, even when I haven't been acknowledging Him.
If it were your beloved child in this marriage, what would you have them do?
Sorry, I got a bit rambly
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Just one more story from my first marriage
We lived in an apartment building, renting, and we had some very questionable neighbours. I have no doubt they were dealing drugs, people came and went at all hours, their music blasting so loud, at times, that the dishes in our cupboards would rattle! We met with the landlord 2 different times about it and his solution was to move this neighbour from next door to across the hall. Yeesh.
I prayed relentlessly to have patience. Patience. I was praying morning, noon and night. I felt, as a Christian, I should, with God's help, be able to take the high road. It just got worse and worse. Finally, we just couldn't take it anymore, we broke our lease, lost our deposit that we could ill afford to lose but we were done.
We moved a few short blocks away, to a lovely, quiet building and were grateful.
6 weeks later, I came home from work and as I was coming up to my old building, I saw the whole building in flames! The building was an older, wooden structure that took up most of a block. It was the biggest fire in 100 years, in that city!
We would have lost everything, we had no insurance, not to mention all of my photographs and heirloom type of possession's. I would have come home from work that day to be left with, literally, the clothes on my back.
Our church collected funds for the tenants that lost everything. No one had insurance.
If God had of honoured my prayer request, we would have lost it all. Instead God said 'get out of the burning building'.
I think of my first marriage like that. I had to get out of the burning building to save my life. I am right where I am suppose to be.
We lived in an apartment building, renting, and we had some very questionable neighbours. I have no doubt they were dealing drugs, people came and went at all hours, their music blasting so loud, at times, that the dishes in our cupboards would rattle! We met with the landlord 2 different times about it and his solution was to move this neighbour from next door to across the hall. Yeesh.
I prayed relentlessly to have patience. Patience. I was praying morning, noon and night. I felt, as a Christian, I should, with God's help, be able to take the high road. It just got worse and worse. Finally, we just couldn't take it anymore, we broke our lease, lost our deposit that we could ill afford to lose but we were done.
We moved a few short blocks away, to a lovely, quiet building and were grateful.
6 weeks later, I came home from work and as I was coming up to my old building, I saw the whole building in flames! The building was an older, wooden structure that took up most of a block. It was the biggest fire in 100 years, in that city!
We would have lost everything, we had no insurance, not to mention all of my photographs and heirloom type of possession's. I would have come home from work that day to be left with, literally, the clothes on my back.
Our church collected funds for the tenants that lost everything. No one had insurance.
If God had of honoured my prayer request, we would have lost it all. Instead God said 'get out of the burning building'.
I think of my first marriage like that. I had to get out of the burning building to save my life. I am right where I am suppose to be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
^^ amazing story second hand- thanks so much for sharing!
I do not believe God values the institution of marriage
more than the people in it.
He has a plan for us and it is not to be forever abused, frightened,
confused, depressed and lost.
I do not believe God values the institution of marriage
more than the people in it.
He has a plan for us and it is not to be forever abused, frightened,
confused, depressed and lost.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
I was raised Catholic but somewhere along the line lost my faith, so my opinion may be crap but I'm sharing it anyway.
I know when I was getting married, I didn't fall to my knees and ask God if marrying this man was right. I didn't even really invite God into the decision making until the day-of and we only mentioned Him because we had a religious ceremony. I got married because I loved my husband. Our marriage was not "joined by God" it was joined by us and we included Him because it was tradition.
Remember that we are all sinners. As long as you have your faith, God will forgive you for everything else. Forgive the people in the church that judge you, because they are sinners too. You do not have to justify your divorce to anyone, you and God know the truth. Everyone else can go kick rocks.
You can still receive communion after your divorce, the only reason you would be excommunicated would be if you remarried without going through the church's annulment process.
You have done all that you can. Your God will understand.
I know when I was getting married, I didn't fall to my knees and ask God if marrying this man was right. I didn't even really invite God into the decision making until the day-of and we only mentioned Him because we had a religious ceremony. I got married because I loved my husband. Our marriage was not "joined by God" it was joined by us and we included Him because it was tradition.
Remember that we are all sinners. As long as you have your faith, God will forgive you for everything else. Forgive the people in the church that judge you, because they are sinners too. You do not have to justify your divorce to anyone, you and God know the truth. Everyone else can go kick rocks.
You can still receive communion after your divorce, the only reason you would be excommunicated would be if you remarried without going through the church's annulment process.
You have done all that you can. Your God will understand.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I was born and raised RC, too. Was very devout for a long time and did my best to follow what the church believes and teaches. But since getting divorced and sobering up I've noticed a couple of things. Humans are frail creatures and sometimes things don't work out. They just don't. Sometimes it because of things we can control, other times not. Make the decision you need to make and leave the rest to God or your HP and learn to trust in that power. Once one has done the best they can, that's all there is left to do, IMHO.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Who also hath made us able ministers of the new testament; not of the letter, but of the spirit: for the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life. (2 Corinthians 3:6).
A marriage in which one partner keeps choosing addiction over relationship is at best a "marriage of the letter". Staying in that marriage amounts to having a piece of paper that says you are married, but none of the spiritual joys (and responsibilities) of a healthy marriage. If you have tried for a long time to work on your marriage in good faith but the other party has checked out - I don't think you are obligated as a Christian to choose the letter over the spirit.
A marriage in which one partner keeps choosing addiction over relationship is at best a "marriage of the letter". Staying in that marriage amounts to having a piece of paper that says you are married, but none of the spiritual joys (and responsibilities) of a healthy marriage. If you have tried for a long time to work on your marriage in good faith but the other party has checked out - I don't think you are obligated as a Christian to choose the letter over the spirit.
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