batchel9

Man, you guys sure called it. Moved into an apartment seperate from AH in April. At the time he wasn't drinking but was on Antabuse and thought he had life figured out. Could not comprehend why I was leaving.

He drank a large quantity of liquor 2 weeks ago (after he admittedly decided to go off Antabuse to show me he could be off and still not drink....) and then just did again this weekend. He essentially missed two days of work each "event".

Both times, the days following his drinking he was a blubbery mess. Like to the point that I can't even take him seriously. His life is terrible, he doesn't like his job, he gets no satisfaction out of anything he does, he doesn't have time to do the things he feels like he wants to do, etc. I have literally never seen him like this. I never thought I would have to be concerned about him being suicidal but he mentioned that a few times also.

He says that "he is begging and pleading with me for help and I'm not listening". I hear him, I just don't agree with him. I'm not going to be supportive of him quitting his job to be happier or whatever other crazy things he is talking about that day. I feel like he needs to change his perspective and learn coping skills and tools that will keep him from drinking. He says he agrees with this, but I don't think he really agrees.

I have a third lawyer appointment tomorrow (it's a lawyer in the area known for being extremely difficult. So meeting with him to 1. Get his perspective and 2. So AH can't use him!). I have an intake appointment with a lawyer on monday to pay my retainer and officially start the process.

I was kind of walking on eggshells because when he drank a few weeks ago it was more or less brought on because he was upset, which I probably didn't help. This time was Father's Day and I literally made him dinner, had taken the kids shopping for presents for him, etc. When we left he drank. So....seems like it doesn't really matter what our relationship was that day as related to his drinking best I can tell.

Any comments on his behavior/actions?

Is there anything I can do to help him?

It's sad to watch. He wrote me a hand written letter yesterday talking about how guilty and shameful he felt blah blah. It still pulls at the heart strings i have essentially heard it all before.

Am I still doing the right thing?!

dandylion

batchel...fr om where I sit, I think that you are doing the right thing by being away from him....especially for the sake of the children, but, for your own sanity, also.....

I don't think you are doing the "right thing" by having so much interaction with him. I know that you all have children, and that makes no contact more difficult....but, it just sounds like you are still so enmeshed in his disease.....and, thinking that you can help him....
the best thing that you can do to help, is to get out of his way...so that he can, maybe, find it himself.....
You are not equipped to help him....there are professionals and AA and his sponsor who can do that....Those are the people he should be talking to....
As long as you are listening and holding his (emotional) hand...he will not seek elsewhere.....

batchel9

You make good points. My thought processes (right, wrong, or other) has been....

He is at the house (10 acre farm) and I am only adding to his stress by making him take care of it on his own. He also now works 1.5 hours away (recent development). So I go there to help.

I do things to make the transition the least impactful to the kids. Things stay more "normal".

Other than that, I stay away. Regardless, I need to stay out of his alcohol issues more I agree.

AnvilheadII

he drank when you were there.
he drinks when you are not there.
you are not the problem.

time to think about boundaries. like not having conversations with drunk people. not rehashing the rehashed. not being someone's woe is me whipping boy. stuff like that. and perhaps work on a standard reply to his moaning - sorry you feel that way, i'm sure you'll figure something out.

he knows what to do and where do go IF HE WANTS to quit drinking. but i don't think he does right now. he wants you to feel sorry for him and move back in and return it all to the status quo so he isn't left with just himself. he's TRYING to play upon your sympathies - he's trying the lost little boy schtick to tug on your mom radar. he is doing everything but getting off his ass and addressing the problem.

breath

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. That's Alanon speaking. If you think you can do any of these three C's, you're mistaken; and if he is given any spark of hope that his sobriety is dependent on you, he'll take advantage of it. As alcoholics we are willing to do whatever it takes to drink, lie, steal, cheat, hurt the one's we love the most. We have to be the same in our recovery, WILLING...
He's got to be willing, that means he has to be willing to stop; either on his own(proven impossible by 99.9% of us alcoholics) or with the help of other alcoholics or professionals(AA, therapy...), and don't confuse help with dependence(I can't do it without_____) and be willing to "go to any lengths" to be and stay sober and in recovery.
If he's not willing, and either one of you thinks you need the help of the other, that's enabling, that's codependency; and you'll just continue the insanity, doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. His desire to stop can't be conditional, he's got to commit.

Hope this helps.

Maudcat

Just playing the ol'pity/guilt card. And from your other post, sounds like his dad is right on board with him.
Maybe his DAD could help him out with the chores, since his dad is being so all fired supportive.
Sheesh.

aliciagr

I dont think you are handling things incorrectly. You are doing what you need to do for yourself and the kids. I think you are correct in allowing him and the kids time together if he is stable. The real problem is that he needs professional help, and I say that in part because they are trained to work with patients and help motivate them, Or he needs to really dedicate himself to an individual program but that hasnt seemed to work so far, and he will still need additional help with his coping skills and all that. All I can say is what I did. Took care of myself, and tried to encourage treatment, and support my husbands efforts when he tried. Once I got my emotions under control then it has been healthy for me I believe. That isnt the right choice for everyone, but only you can decide the route you want to take.

I think he is just in the depths of it all. He will drink because he cant manage his emotions. Happy, sad, kids gone after a great day, hard day at work, bad traffic. It could be anything, and your not to blame for it.

Bekindalways

So sorry to hear he is spiraling down Batchel.

It does sound like you doing the right thin in taking steps to protect yourself and your children.

I remember the slow painful process of releasing each sticky codependent finger from grasping the idea that I was the one to help my qualifier. I so so so was not the one to help.

Irk it was tough.

Sasha1972

Good call on the lawyer. I think you're doing the right thing. Your ex has been destabilized by you moving out so his maladaptive behaviors will probably intensify for a while. But it isn't your fault that he has these behaviors.

aliciagr

This is an excellent point. And I think its what your FIL may have meant Batchel. (the other thread)

aliciagr

This wont apply to you as an individual, but there is an ethics issue in point #2 if an attorney has a pattern of recommending this action to their clients. Meeting with the most accomplished attorneys just to cause a conflict of interest so the spouse cant use them. I know that is not your sole purpose, but I thought I would mention it. Judges dont like to see people playing games.

My personal concern would be.. I wouldnt want an attorney who feels the need to bump out the competition because they dont feel confident in their own skills.

LeeJane

Protecting yourself and your children is absolutely the right thing to do.

hopeful4

He needs help, but you cannot be the one to help him. I would make a list of rehabs and the hospital phone numbers and give it to him, if he really does want help, he will utilize those resources.

Keep seeing the attorney.