Divorce was final today. ..
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Divorce was final today. ..
As of this am the divorce was final. I really have no idea how I feel at the moment.
There was ample time for her to contest it yet in the 4 months between me filing and now she didn't.
She signed a waiver when she picked up her copies of the filing. Which my lawyer said based on that she didn't have to be notified of the court date. We waited more than the required time to continue.
Really, I waited longer than most to file in the first place.
I let her know it was final and left her car title for her to pick up. She lashed out with I can't believe you. I'm heartless, cold, she hates me and so on.
My reply was I didn't choose this. I didn't cause this. This is due to her choices not mine.
I just keep moving one step at a time. This was a big one for me. Sticking to the divorce decree is my focus. Supervised visit with clean screens. She can gain back more visitation with more hard proof of sobriety and the court added completting a drug counseling program.
I don't have my hopes up. I know the kiddos will be covered though
There was ample time for her to contest it yet in the 4 months between me filing and now she didn't.
She signed a waiver when she picked up her copies of the filing. Which my lawyer said based on that she didn't have to be notified of the court date. We waited more than the required time to continue.
Really, I waited longer than most to file in the first place.
I let her know it was final and left her car title for her to pick up. She lashed out with I can't believe you. I'm heartless, cold, she hates me and so on.
My reply was I didn't choose this. I didn't cause this. This is due to her choices not mine.
I just keep moving one step at a time. This was a big one for me. Sticking to the divorce decree is my focus. Supervised visit with clean screens. She can gain back more visitation with more hard proof of sobriety and the court added completting a drug counseling program.
I don't have my hopes up. I know the kiddos will be covered though
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Location: W Washington
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oy, tell an addict NO......and then get behind something flameproof. 
this is going to take time to fully incorporate.......and you will go thru a wide range of emotions. that's ok. godspeed and best wishes.
this is going to take time to fully incorporate.......and you will go thru a wide range of emotions. that's ok. godspeed and best wishes.
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Originally Posted by Palehorse82 
Wow powerful stuff.....I know the feeling of being confused it is so hard to sort out. Just worry about today and kiddos of course. Sounds like you have a good plan in place to protect your kids
It is greatly emotionally confusing.
Learning from good folks here and reading, counseling and literally making myself focus on logical answers is helping me make baby steps I feel are in the rite direction.
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Originally Posted by MariahGayle
Sounds like your doing what you need to do for you & the kiddos. I'm sure the decision wasn't made lightly. Be kind to yourself.
It wasn't any easy decision in the least. It took me around 7 years to get to this point.
Thanks to counseling this last year was the first time I put myself to a date of how much longer. I set a year from when she walked out when I asked her to go to rehab the last time. That was 16 months ago.
I still had to force myself to stick to my own date boundary.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
oy, tell an addict NO......and then get behind something flameproof.
this is going to take time to fully incorporate.......and you will go thru a wide range of emotions. that's ok. godspeed and best wishes.
this is going to take time to fully incorporate.......and you will go thru a wide range of emotions. that's ok. godspeed and best wishes.
I believe I'll be here looking for more support regularly . I can't tell you how much I respect and appreciate the replies and experience that's been shared here.
Today was an full on text attack. I just stopped replying.
As much as it hurt I believe I did all I could do. I also see now I did a great deal that wasn't mine to do.
It's hers to do or not do.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I went through a range of emotions when my divorce was final with my exah. He lashed out at me several times right before it was final, calling me every horrible name you can think of. He was mad because his free ride was up, his addiction was no longer being supported and he was going to have to find another poor soul to enable him.
Honestly I think the best thing you can do is like you said, stick to the divorce decree and keep moving forward. What helped me was no contact, it gave me space enough that I could truly heal. I realize that your situation is different because you have a child involved but I would still keep my contact minimal and only when it concerns the well being of you kid.
Your life will only go up from here, trust me, there are brighter days ahead.
Honestly I think the best thing you can do is like you said, stick to the divorce decree and keep moving forward. What helped me was no contact, it gave me space enough that I could truly heal. I realize that your situation is different because you have a child involved but I would still keep my contact minimal and only when it concerns the well being of you kid.
Your life will only go up from here, trust me, there are brighter days ahead.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am sorry that she chose to make this time more painful and difficult for you...and yet, that is a reminder of why you did this in the first place.
May you and your children find peace, and love, and joy...the kind of joy that makes you want to dance with delight...in the days ahead.
My friend and member Honeypig posted this on another thread this morning but I thought it would be appropriate to bring it here as a reminder that you did the right thing, and lovelier days are ahead. May you have healing and faith and then wonderful new beginnings when the time is right.
May you and your children find peace, and love, and joy...the kind of joy that makes you want to dance with delight...in the days ahead.
My friend and member Honeypig posted this on another thread this morning but I thought it would be appropriate to bring it here as a reminder that you did the right thing, and lovelier days are ahead. May you have healing and faith and then wonderful new beginnings when the time is right.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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Originally Posted by TiredDad
Today was an full on text attack. I just stopped replying.
.
when i finally ended a wonderfully sick relationship( how i did it was considered cruel by her, but the only way i knew how) i got constant phone calls( didnt have cell phones back then) and pretty scathing messages on my message machine. id answer the phone and the circus music would start playing in the background and it was nothing but insanity.id listen to the messages and circus music would stop playing in the background and it was nothing but insanity in my head.
i stopped answering her calls and removed my message machine and no more circus music. i was then able to spend much more time on fixin me.
i owned my part during the relationship. she wanted me to own hers. i wasnt going to allow that. she could blame me all she wanted, but i wasnt going to accept responsibility for it.
you are going to get weller, TD. its going to take T.I.M.E.
but you will.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
I know this must hurt so much. I can't help but think that you have so much happiness in your future, though. You get yourself healed and take care of those kids and when you're ready...I can't even begin to imagine the sheer volume of women who would melt at the thought of a grown man who takes care of his children and makes them his top priority. I know that's kind of a sad commentary on our society, lol, but hey...it is what it is.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by Deelilah
I know this must hurt so much. I can't help but think that you have so much happiness in your future, though. You get yourself healed and take care of those kids and when you're ready...I can't even begin to imagine the sheer volume of women who would melt at the thought of a grown man who takes care of his children and makes them his top priority. I know that's kind of a sad commentary on our society, lol, but hey...it is what it is.
"Yours is a stock that trades highly in our society."
Keep working your recovery and you will find someone deserving of your love and trust.
All the best in this new beginning.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by jerect
I went through a range of emotions when my divorce was final with my exah. He lashed out at me several times right before it was final, calling me every horrible name you can think of. He was mad because his free ride was up, his addiction was no longer being supported and he was going to have to find another poor soul to enable him.
Honestly I think the best thing you can do is like you said, stick to the divorce decree and keep moving forward. What helped me was no contact, it gave me space enough that I could truly heal. I realize that your situation is different because you have a child involved but I would still keep my contact minimal and only when it concerns the well being of you kid.
Your life will only go up from here, trust me, there are brighter days ahead.
Honestly I think the best thing you can do is like you said, stick to the divorce decree and keep moving forward. What helped me was no contact, it gave me space enough that I could truly heal. I realize that your situation is different because you have a child involved but I would still keep my contact minimal and only when it concerns the well being of you kid.
Your life will only go up from here, trust me, there are brighter days ahead.
I feel like rite now Im just hoping for balance in our lives.
I still have the revolving thoughts and feelings. I suspect I will for a while.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by Ann
I am sorry that she chose to make this time more painful and difficult for you...and yet, that is a reminder of why you did this in the first place.
May you and your children find peace, and love, and joy...the kind of joy that makes you want to dance with delight...in the days ahead.
My friend and member Honeypig posted this on another thread this morning but I thought it would be appropriate to bring it here as a reminder that you did the right thing, and lovelier days are ahead. May you have healing and faith and then wonderful new beginnings when the time is right.
May you and your children find peace, and love, and joy...the kind of joy that makes you want to dance with delight...in the days ahead.
My friend and member Honeypig posted this on another thread this morning but I thought it would be appropriate to bring it here as a reminder that you did the right thing, and lovelier days are ahead. May you have healing and faith and then wonderful new beginnings when the time is right.
That's very kind of you. Thank you..
I believe we will find our way through this. I can't believe any other way.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
i strongly encourge you to not respond to anything unless absolutely necessary.
when i finally ended a wonderfully sick relationship( how i did it was considered cruel by her, but the only way i knew how) i got constant phone calls( didnt have cell phones back then) and pretty scathing messages on my message machine. id answer the phone and the circus music would start playing in the background and it was nothing but insanity.id listen to the messages and circus music would stop playing in the background and it was nothing but insanity in my head.
i stopped answering her calls and removed my message machine and no more circus music. i was then able to spend much more time on fixin me.
i owned my part during the relationship. she wanted me to own hers. i wasnt going to allow that. she could blame me all she wanted, but i wasnt going to accept responsibility for it.
you are going to get weller, TD. its going to take T.I.M.E.
but you will.
when i finally ended a wonderfully sick relationship( how i did it was considered cruel by her, but the only way i knew how) i got constant phone calls( didnt have cell phones back then) and pretty scathing messages on my message machine. id answer the phone and the circus music would start playing in the background and it was nothing but insanity.id listen to the messages and circus music would stop playing in the background and it was nothing but insanity in my head.
i stopped answering her calls and removed my message machine and no more circus music. i was then able to spend much more time on fixin me.
i owned my part during the relationship. she wanted me to own hers. i wasnt going to allow that. she could blame me all she wanted, but i wasnt going to accept responsibility for it.
you are going to get weller, TD. its going to take T.I.M.E.
but you will.
It will surely take me TIME. I have a great deal of work to do for myself. Owning my part is something I think about often. It was my choice to stay and continue to live the way we were. I need to figure that one out
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Dee & hechose ,
Thank you ladies. The comments below earned a well needed smile.
Someday hopefully, I'll be working on me in the meantime.
."I can't even begin to imagine the sheer volume of women who would melt at the thought of a grown man who takes care of his children and makes them his top priority. I know that's kind of a sad commentary on our society, lol, but hey...it is what it is"
"Yup. As a favorite blogger of mine often says:
"Yours is a stock that trades highly in our society."
Keep working your recovery and you will find someone deserving of your love and trust.
All the best in this new beginning."
Thank you ladies. The comments below earned a well needed smile.
Someday hopefully, I'll be working on me in the meantime.
."I can't even begin to imagine the sheer volume of women who would melt at the thought of a grown man who takes care of his children and makes them his top priority. I know that's kind of a sad commentary on our society, lol, but hey...it is what it is"
"Yup. As a favorite blogger of mine often says:
"Yours is a stock that trades highly in our society."
Keep working your recovery and you will find someone deserving of your love and trust.
All the best in this new beginning."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 80
Checking in
I have been here reading from the side lines and thought clear my head a bit.
It's been a month since the divorce was final and as they say it takes time. I'm still finding myself processing through the emotions and thoughts.
Heck, I still find myself amazed at the choices my XAW continues to make.
I'm holding the lines of sticking to the decree. Supervised visits through local agency that drugs screens before visits. She has made a few attempts toward getting me to waiver and bend.
Nope. ... TD keep it together man! Actions, actions, ACTIONS! Nothing else is acceptable for the kiddos!
Latest is she is going to lawyer up and fight my divorce as she thinks it's unfair and it's wrong to (her words) take her rites away.
To be clear they haven't been removed. She can if she chooses, follow the steps in proving sobriety in multiple ways, have shared custody.
So in my head all this equals I'm making the rite choices. I'm getting my head back on strait.
Let's face it TD and friends, she is mad because the bottom line is she has to prove she's drug free as she likes to boast she is.
I read once that if the addict is upset with your choices to protect yourself your probably on the rite track.
If they are happy with you choices or don't seem to mind you may want to check what your doing.
AnvilheadII you were nailed it above.
By the look of things it will take a great deal of time to implement. Absolutely dead on for set back and watch the fireworks. I've seen the whole roller coaster do the barrel roll the past 30 days.
Thank you all for your support.
Take care and be well.
It's been a month since the divorce was final and as they say it takes time. I'm still finding myself processing through the emotions and thoughts.
Heck, I still find myself amazed at the choices my XAW continues to make.
I'm holding the lines of sticking to the decree. Supervised visits through local agency that drugs screens before visits. She has made a few attempts toward getting me to waiver and bend.
Nope. ... TD keep it together man! Actions, actions, ACTIONS! Nothing else is acceptable for the kiddos!
Latest is she is going to lawyer up and fight my divorce as she thinks it's unfair and it's wrong to (her words) take her rites away.
To be clear they haven't been removed. She can if she chooses, follow the steps in proving sobriety in multiple ways, have shared custody.
So in my head all this equals I'm making the rite choices. I'm getting my head back on strait.
Let's face it TD and friends, she is mad because the bottom line is she has to prove she's drug free as she likes to boast she is.
I read once that if the addict is upset with your choices to protect yourself your probably on the rite track.
If they are happy with you choices or don't seem to mind you may want to check what your doing.
AnvilheadII you were nailed it above.
By the look of things it will take a great deal of time to implement. Absolutely dead on for set back and watch the fireworks. I've seen the whole roller coaster do the barrel roll the past 30 days.
Thank you all for your support.
Take care and be well.
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