Son in jail on bench warrant, I could use all advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 6
Son in jail on bench warrant, I could use all advice
Hello, I've been reading this site on and off for a while. I've gotten a lot of good information.
My son (in his 20s) moved out of our house about a month ago. Without being too detailed, just say it was tense and a last minute decision to crash at a friend's apartment. He'd just seemed to be getting himself together, had a new full time job with an understanding boss who knew he had "some legal stuff" to take care of and was ok about time taken off for that.
Since moving, he's been very lax about communication with us. I understand that he's an adult, and this is his recovery, but if he's out of communication for a week, I can't help but worry that he's dead somewhere....
Anyway, the other night he called from "the City of ___" on caller ID; he'd missed a court date and ended up arrested on a bench warrant. He was asking for bail. Not much money, but we said "NO". I spoke him exactly a week before the arrest and he told me he couldn't come to the house because of the warrant. I said that if he wanted to take care of it and had 10%, I would take him to a bail bond and guarantee the rest (the whole thing is less than $2,000), but if he skipped the next court date or in any other way acted irresponsibly about this, it would be the last time he got any help.
He ignored that and ended up arrested. Of course he called here looked to be bailed out and was absolutely stunned when I said no.
My husband called back to tell the officer no, we would not be coming with bail. The officer told him that no one else had either, and son would be "with us" (meaning in the city jail, not county jail) until he spoke with the judge.
I think spending a couple of days sitting in jail with nothing to do but ponder how the hell his life managed to sink this low is a good thing for him. My husband is going to call today to find out when son has that court date (they'd said Mon or Tues). I would like to go to court and afterwards offer him another opportunity for treatment if he wants it. He has good health insurance and can go to several facilities. (He's been to two already... too wiped out for details about that now.)
Mainly I'd like anyone who chooses to to tell me we're doing the right thing by letting him sit in jail a bit. I'm a basketcase over this and have to almost turn "no bail" into a mantra to keep myself from running there with the money. I'm consoling myself with that he is in the safest possible jail (more like a holding cell) and is not in a county lock up with people with serious, violent charges.... yet it should be enough of a COME TO JESUS moment for a middle class kid who's had a nice life to realize he's on a slippery slope and hopefully realize he's now at the legendary BOTTOM I keep hearing about.
I'd also like any opinions about how to offer rehab to him when I see him. We won't take him back home, we won't pay his bills (we do pay his health insurance, though, because he's going to need that), but we will move heaven and earth to get him in to a treatment program if that's what he wants.
Thoughts?
My son (in his 20s) moved out of our house about a month ago. Without being too detailed, just say it was tense and a last minute decision to crash at a friend's apartment. He'd just seemed to be getting himself together, had a new full time job with an understanding boss who knew he had "some legal stuff" to take care of and was ok about time taken off for that.
Since moving, he's been very lax about communication with us. I understand that he's an adult, and this is his recovery, but if he's out of communication for a week, I can't help but worry that he's dead somewhere....
Anyway, the other night he called from "the City of ___" on caller ID; he'd missed a court date and ended up arrested on a bench warrant. He was asking for bail. Not much money, but we said "NO". I spoke him exactly a week before the arrest and he told me he couldn't come to the house because of the warrant. I said that if he wanted to take care of it and had 10%, I would take him to a bail bond and guarantee the rest (the whole thing is less than $2,000), but if he skipped the next court date or in any other way acted irresponsibly about this, it would be the last time he got any help.
He ignored that and ended up arrested. Of course he called here looked to be bailed out and was absolutely stunned when I said no.
My husband called back to tell the officer no, we would not be coming with bail. The officer told him that no one else had either, and son would be "with us" (meaning in the city jail, not county jail) until he spoke with the judge.
I think spending a couple of days sitting in jail with nothing to do but ponder how the hell his life managed to sink this low is a good thing for him. My husband is going to call today to find out when son has that court date (they'd said Mon or Tues). I would like to go to court and afterwards offer him another opportunity for treatment if he wants it. He has good health insurance and can go to several facilities. (He's been to two already... too wiped out for details about that now.)
Mainly I'd like anyone who chooses to to tell me we're doing the right thing by letting him sit in jail a bit. I'm a basketcase over this and have to almost turn "no bail" into a mantra to keep myself from running there with the money. I'm consoling myself with that he is in the safest possible jail (more like a holding cell) and is not in a county lock up with people with serious, violent charges.... yet it should be enough of a COME TO JESUS moment for a middle class kid who's had a nice life to realize he's on a slippery slope and hopefully realize he's now at the legendary BOTTOM I keep hearing about.
I'd also like any opinions about how to offer rehab to him when I see him. We won't take him back home, we won't pay his bills (we do pay his health insurance, though, because he's going to need that), but we will move heaven and earth to get him in to a treatment program if that's what he wants.
Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
To quote Dr. Phil.................better he's on a cot in a cage getting fed and safe then out on the streets putting poison into his body!
I think you are doing the right thing by not bailing him out. He knew the consequences of his in-action and now he has to pay for his choices just like when he has to pay for his drugs!!
You mentioned he's already been through 2 rehabs so why do you feel the need to offer him that opportunity again? He knows that opportunity is available to him if he should chose to take that route again. I personally believe the more hands off the addict and their addiction the better chance the addict has in finding their way all by themselves and for all the right reasons into recovery.
I can imagine your fear and how hard it is NOT to take some kind of an action in helping a child but not taking any actions is also taking action.
In my own personal experience with my son and his drinking the moment I took my hands off trying to solve, fix and help him, talk him into seeking help.................was the time he found AA all on his own by himself for himself.
Sure it was allot of painful, fear filled and worry some months for me before he took action for himself. Today he is on a positive path in life with a new job, new friends and a new outlook on life.
I think you are doing the right thing by not bailing him out. He knew the consequences of his in-action and now he has to pay for his choices just like when he has to pay for his drugs!!
You mentioned he's already been through 2 rehabs so why do you feel the need to offer him that opportunity again? He knows that opportunity is available to him if he should chose to take that route again. I personally believe the more hands off the addict and their addiction the better chance the addict has in finding their way all by themselves and for all the right reasons into recovery.
I can imagine your fear and how hard it is NOT to take some kind of an action in helping a child but not taking any actions is also taking action.
In my own personal experience with my son and his drinking the moment I took my hands off trying to solve, fix and help him, talk him into seeking help.................was the time he found AA all on his own by himself for himself.
Sure it was allot of painful, fear filled and worry some months for me before he took action for himself. Today he is on a positive path in life with a new job, new friends and a new outlook on life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I can tell you from my own experience dealing with two active addicts I have bailed them out several times including hiring lawyers paying the fines & everything else
By me doing that It did absolutely no good at all did not change one thing ever it did not help
Just my experience for what its worth
By me doing that It did absolutely no good at all did not change one thing ever it did not help
Just my experience for what its worth
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are absolutely doing the right thing. If you come running in w/bail money, he will see that you rescued him again, despite what you said.
In other words, say what you mean, and mean what you say.
As far as treatment, if HE wants to go that route, I would encourage you to assist him, but let him do the work in finding it, booking it, etc. The more they put into their own recovery, the more successful chance it has of being.
Lastly, I caution you about the BOTTOM you are speaking of. Addiction ebbs and flows, and in my experience, many don't have a bottom. They manage for a while, until they don't. That's not to say a person cannot recover, it just means they have to want it for themselves, badly.
Hugs to you. I feel for you, but please know you are doing the right thing.
In other words, say what you mean, and mean what you say.
As far as treatment, if HE wants to go that route, I would encourage you to assist him, but let him do the work in finding it, booking it, etc. The more they put into their own recovery, the more successful chance it has of being.
Lastly, I caution you about the BOTTOM you are speaking of. Addiction ebbs and flows, and in my experience, many don't have a bottom. They manage for a while, until they don't. That's not to say a person cannot recover, it just means they have to want it for themselves, badly.
Hugs to you. I feel for you, but please know you are doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i doubt jail is going to have your hoped for affect on your son. he's already unmindful and defiant regarding laws and court dates. he's also been to two treatment centers. and yet here is he is........sitting in jail.
be warned that he will probably try to sound contrite. agree to anything, so he can be released and then pick up where he left off. only this time, hopefully, he won't have mom and dad there to pick up the slack, clean up the messes and make life comfy for him.
let him experience the full consequences of his choices and actions.
be warned that he will probably try to sound contrite. agree to anything, so he can be released and then pick up where he left off. only this time, hopefully, he won't have mom and dad there to pick up the slack, clean up the messes and make life comfy for him.
let him experience the full consequences of his choices and actions.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with Anvilhead (I usually do, she's very wise). Doing nothing is an action and that's my suggestion.
I bailed my son out once (on a shoplifting charge) b ecause he cried and pleaded pitifully and promised to do anything I told him to do with recovery...if only I would bail him out. He said he had learned his lesson and hit bottom.
We had not even arrived home yet when he jumped out of the car and went to use again. Less than 10 minutes after the tears and pleas and promised, he was on the street drugging it up.
Well, he may not have learned HIS lesson, but I learned MINE. Never again.
My son also went to many many rehabs and just stayed in the revolving door of recovery/relapse/addiction for years and years.
The Salvation Army Rehabs offer a free program that is very good and can be anywhere from 3 months to a year, long term is far better than a Spin and Dry 30 day rehab. If you son really wants recovery, he will contact the Salvation Army and make his own arrangements.
As the mother of an addict I truly know your pain. It rips our heart apart to watch a child self-destruct. What helps me is to give my son's care to God every morning and ask Him to do what I cannot. Then I live my day well, finding the joy and beauty where I can, good days and bad.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
I bailed my son out once (on a shoplifting charge) b ecause he cried and pleaded pitifully and promised to do anything I told him to do with recovery...if only I would bail him out. He said he had learned his lesson and hit bottom.
We had not even arrived home yet when he jumped out of the car and went to use again. Less than 10 minutes after the tears and pleas and promised, he was on the street drugging it up.
Well, he may not have learned HIS lesson, but I learned MINE. Never again.
My son also went to many many rehabs and just stayed in the revolving door of recovery/relapse/addiction for years and years.
The Salvation Army Rehabs offer a free program that is very good and can be anywhere from 3 months to a year, long term is far better than a Spin and Dry 30 day rehab. If you son really wants recovery, he will contact the Salvation Army and make his own arrangements.
As the mother of an addict I truly know your pain. It rips our heart apart to watch a child self-destruct. What helps me is to give my son's care to God every morning and ask Him to do what I cannot. Then I live my day well, finding the joy and beauty where I can, good days and bad.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
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