The difference this time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
The difference this time
I am on Day 5 with a lot of help from here. I have been lurking on this site for years, trying to quit many times. This time feels different, and I'm more hopeful than ever before. It feels like it will stick, and I'm trying to figure out what has been the difference.
First, I posted here, for the first time. Even though it's anonymous, and doesn't make me literally accountable to anyone, I guess, there was something more concrete, more definite, about putting it out there for others to read, for me to acknowledge it openly, to not be able to kid myself, and to be able to come back and have others cheer me on or lift me up, or be disappointed (on my behalf) if I slid back.
Second, I did ask my husband to not have wine in the house. In the past I've felt I shouldn't let my issue affect his behavior, but he wants what's best for me, and seeing him get a glass out of the kitchen -- ring it with a flick of his finger, pull a cork with a pop, sit down with a sigh to drink, then refill and refill -- is hard on me, and he understands that. Plus I have been buying him wine (along with our other food and groceries) which I realize was way too dangerous. I am always tempted to buy a bottle of white for me, along with his red (but then hide it and drink mine late at night). So, no more wine in the house.
Third, and biggest ... was that two of my kids (teenage and college age) called me out on my secret drinking. It was humiliating and devastating. I'm a high functioning heavy drinker (well, maybe not all that high functioning... barely getting things done... but I hid it pretty well.) and I thought that if I drank only late at night, no one would know. Well, my kids aren't blind. Especially my daughters.
Being a good mom -- being able to help them, setting a good example -- is THE most important thing to me. We talk about everything, but THAT I wouldn't talk about. I was afraid of making them think less of me, of being a hypocrite in talking to them about the dangers of drinking. This time, I have finally spoken frankly to all of them.
I had been so afraid of minimizing myself in their eyes by admitting trouble with drinking, but obviously doing it in what I thought was secret -- slurring my words late at night, drinking suspicious liquids out of plastic glasses, not being able to get out of bed in the morning -- minimized me in a much worse way.
A couple years ago during an attempt to quit, probably when I first signed up here, but didn't post, I gave up social drinking .. no more wine in restaurants or at book club or out at parties, for "health reasons" and just because I was "taking a break", as I told others. Only my husband knew I was trying to quit. I had the social pressure of knowing I couldn't drink in front of people. But after a few months, I started again, drinking at home alone, eventually again every night, hiding it from my husband and kids (or so I thought).
Now I feel I have the social pressure at home, too, (in a good way) of not EVER buying wine, never putting it in my car, never bringing it into the house, ever being seen with it on me, or my kids and husband will notice and have the ability now to call me out on it. Before, I was afraid to openly say I that I needed to quit, because I thought if I didn't "announce" it, I could preserve the option of going back and drinking again.
Pitiful.
I'm feeling so much better already, physically. Drinking lots of water, taking vitamins. I went for a long walk today with my youngest. One of my knees has been incredibly stiff since Christmas. I'm realizing now it may have been joint pain from the booze and dehydration, not an injury. I was able to walk today without even thinking about my knee. Sleep is the hardest part, and I'm eating way more junk .. especially late at night ... than I should be, but I figure losing sleep and eating poorly is by far better compared to pouring an entire bottle of wine, and sometimes more, through my body every, single night.
Even though you all can't see me, knowing you understand and I can post here, or just read your stories and advice, has been such huge support. Thank you for being here and listening.
First, I posted here, for the first time. Even though it's anonymous, and doesn't make me literally accountable to anyone, I guess, there was something more concrete, more definite, about putting it out there for others to read, for me to acknowledge it openly, to not be able to kid myself, and to be able to come back and have others cheer me on or lift me up, or be disappointed (on my behalf) if I slid back.
Second, I did ask my husband to not have wine in the house. In the past I've felt I shouldn't let my issue affect his behavior, but he wants what's best for me, and seeing him get a glass out of the kitchen -- ring it with a flick of his finger, pull a cork with a pop, sit down with a sigh to drink, then refill and refill -- is hard on me, and he understands that. Plus I have been buying him wine (along with our other food and groceries) which I realize was way too dangerous. I am always tempted to buy a bottle of white for me, along with his red (but then hide it and drink mine late at night). So, no more wine in the house.
Third, and biggest ... was that two of my kids (teenage and college age) called me out on my secret drinking. It was humiliating and devastating. I'm a high functioning heavy drinker (well, maybe not all that high functioning... barely getting things done... but I hid it pretty well.) and I thought that if I drank only late at night, no one would know. Well, my kids aren't blind. Especially my daughters.
Being a good mom -- being able to help them, setting a good example -- is THE most important thing to me. We talk about everything, but THAT I wouldn't talk about. I was afraid of making them think less of me, of being a hypocrite in talking to them about the dangers of drinking. This time, I have finally spoken frankly to all of them.
I had been so afraid of minimizing myself in their eyes by admitting trouble with drinking, but obviously doing it in what I thought was secret -- slurring my words late at night, drinking suspicious liquids out of plastic glasses, not being able to get out of bed in the morning -- minimized me in a much worse way.
A couple years ago during an attempt to quit, probably when I first signed up here, but didn't post, I gave up social drinking .. no more wine in restaurants or at book club or out at parties, for "health reasons" and just because I was "taking a break", as I told others. Only my husband knew I was trying to quit. I had the social pressure of knowing I couldn't drink in front of people. But after a few months, I started again, drinking at home alone, eventually again every night, hiding it from my husband and kids (or so I thought).
Now I feel I have the social pressure at home, too, (in a good way) of not EVER buying wine, never putting it in my car, never bringing it into the house, ever being seen with it on me, or my kids and husband will notice and have the ability now to call me out on it. Before, I was afraid to openly say I that I needed to quit, because I thought if I didn't "announce" it, I could preserve the option of going back and drinking again.
Pitiful.
I'm feeling so much better already, physically. Drinking lots of water, taking vitamins. I went for a long walk today with my youngest. One of my knees has been incredibly stiff since Christmas. I'm realizing now it may have been joint pain from the booze and dehydration, not an injury. I was able to walk today without even thinking about my knee. Sleep is the hardest part, and I'm eating way more junk .. especially late at night ... than I should be, but I figure losing sleep and eating poorly is by far better compared to pouring an entire bottle of wine, and sometimes more, through my body every, single night.
Even though you all can't see me, knowing you understand and I can post here, or just read your stories and advice, has been such huge support. Thank you for being here and listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
This is a good post. It shows honesty in your life with the children and family. I think it benefits us to do be honest. To be accountable for what has been. Now its time to forge new roads together.
Keep moving forward.
Keep moving forward.
Gratitude Gardener
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Time to "forge new roads together" ... I LOVE THAT <3
I feel the same way, Tealilly, about this group, about you, and about sobriety.
What an incredible thing we are all doing together, and for one another. Its got a really rare and delicate beauty that you don't see in the every day world often.
My gratitude is huge lately.
So happy to be traveling with you Tealilly!!!
CONGRATS ON DAY 5! WOOT WOOT!
I feel the same way, Tealilly, about this group, about you, and about sobriety.
What an incredible thing we are all doing together, and for one another. Its got a really rare and delicate beauty that you don't see in the every day world often.
My gratitude is huge lately.
So happy to be traveling with you Tealilly!!!
CONGRATS ON DAY 5! WOOT WOOT!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Brilliant post Tealily and so much I can relate to.
My husband drinks red wine and when I drank I drank white but whereas his bottle would be opened and then re corked and last for days and days before he'd finish it, my bottles of white would be hidden all over the house and there'd never be any wine left in any of them. Once one of my bottles was open it would all get drunk.
Like you, I did most my drinking in secret when my husband and kids were asleep. This seems absolutely crazy to me now. Why did I get out of my warm bed to sit on my own in silence and drink glass after glass of a poison that would make me feel awful the next day?? I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
The sneaking around the house in the middle of the night, the secret disposal of empty bottles, the hangovers, the constant living a lie and the fear of getting caught... let's never go back to all that Tealily.
Thanks for posting. You sound really positive and strong. Keep going
My husband drinks red wine and when I drank I drank white but whereas his bottle would be opened and then re corked and last for days and days before he'd finish it, my bottles of white would be hidden all over the house and there'd never be any wine left in any of them. Once one of my bottles was open it would all get drunk.
Like you, I did most my drinking in secret when my husband and kids were asleep. This seems absolutely crazy to me now. Why did I get out of my warm bed to sit on my own in silence and drink glass after glass of a poison that would make me feel awful the next day?? I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
The sneaking around the house in the middle of the night, the secret disposal of empty bottles, the hangovers, the constant living a lie and the fear of getting caught... let's never go back to all that Tealily.
Thanks for posting. You sound really positive and strong. Keep going
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Thanks to all.
Kenton, it's such a weight lifted to not be sneaking anymore!
Cravings hit late afternoon and evening but I've been riding them out.
This is the first time I've actually felt "excited" about quitting. Before it was such a deprived feeling of "oh, poor me, having to stop". Now I'm visualizing all the positive ways my life will change. It's almost like having been accepted to a college or gotten a new job.
I know I may sound annoying in my optimism and it's early and may all fall apart, but for now it feels different. It's been a week and I feel I can keep going.
Thanks again to all.
Kenton, it's such a weight lifted to not be sneaking anymore!
Cravings hit late afternoon and evening but I've been riding them out.
This is the first time I've actually felt "excited" about quitting. Before it was such a deprived feeling of "oh, poor me, having to stop". Now I'm visualizing all the positive ways my life will change. It's almost like having been accepted to a college or gotten a new job.
I know I may sound annoying in my optimism and it's early and may all fall apart, but for now it feels different. It's been a week and I feel I can keep going.
Thanks again to all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 178
Hi tealily! I was also a sneaky night time drinker. When I first quit the mid afternoon cravings and thoughts were awful. The only way I was able to get through those first weeks was to just go to bed early. If I'm sleeping, I'm not craving. After the first couple of weeks, I was able to stay up longer because the cravings were subsiding and I was beginning to take control over my AV. Congratulations on your new journey. It will be well worth it!
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