cellardoor77

So after finally stopping what had turned into years of alcohol, and substance abuse, there is a fog that is lifted. I've heard it said that the best part about stopping drug/alcohol usage is that you get your emotions back, and the worst part is that you get your emotions back. This couldn't be more true for me. In addition to the anxiety and depression that comes from not having your brain constantly bombarded with chemical emotions, there is so much guilt and shame. I have realized what a self-centered POS I have been for way too long. I don't even know which came first, the drug usage or the selfishness. But I think it's fair to say that they both fed off each other in a cycle that just continued to perpetuate itself.

I feel like every thought or action that I have, even seemingly harmless ones, is fueled by self centeredness. After years of living a life which felt rewarding (making myself feel good), you eventually come to realization that it is all very hollow, regardless of how I make it look from the outside. I'm not sure if it's strange to post about this on a substance abuse forum, but for me, the two things are nearly one in the same. I've come to realize, that at least for me, getting sober has as much to do with abstaining for health (and many others reasons) as it does with learning how to become a new person. I've spent years of pushing people away, ignoring or 'tolerating' those who care about me, and just being a judgmental jerk, thinking I'm better than others. I truly hate this about myself.

I don't really know what to do with the guilt and shame right now, but maybe at least writing it out, even to a group of strangers on an internet forum might begin the process of mending myself, and changing what I have allowed myself to become. But most importantly, I don't even know how to change, although I sincerely want to become a better person. I just know that tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up as the same selfish person, with the same self serving thoughts. Where do I even begin?

Thank you for listening

Berrybean

Yes, the new clarity that sobriety brings can be painful at first. The thing is, you are realising what some people nevr do, and although learning to change may be difficult, the first prerequisites are acceptance (of what we were and are) and willingness (to do what we need to do to change, and as far as we can do put right the things we did wrong). I also had another bunch of stuff that was difficult to deal with and that was all the resentments that I was suddenly aware of in me. Many from way back before my drinking even started, and others throughout the years. It was a tricky time. I felt really lucky that I was already going to meetings. My boss sent me to a counsellor as I was in a real state from this emotional ambush. That did little good as I wasn't ready to get honest with her. Then one day I really heard What had been read to me so many times in meetings since I'd been a month sober and went to my first AA meeting. The 'how it works' chapter of the AA big book...
Page 58

I realised that is been seeking the easier softer way, and then still hadn't been ready to get honest, or to thoroughly do the work (ie get a sponsor and work on the steps), and that I wasn't really embracing the idea of change - I just wanted to stop drinking and carry on drinking but not change my drinking. Ut all hit me in minutes. By the end of that meeting I'd asked someone to sponsor me and had a date in my diary for my new sponsor to come to my house for tea and work on step 1 and get to know each other better. And that is when my life started changing from the inside. All those things you mention. The guilt and shame. The being sick of ourselves. For me,the pain of the resentments from years back - some justified, some unjustified - are all worked through in steps 4 and 5 so we can learn to see with more clarity what we would like to change, and then steps 6 to 9 are about learning to change. I could not have done all that stuff alone as my head and heart were too overwhelmed with it all. I didn't know where to start. I'm not sure if the steps 'saved my (old) life' , but they've certainly given me a new one.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

cellardoor77

Thank you for the reply, Berrybean. It does mean a lot that a random person from the internet would take the time to write a thoughtful reply. I have heard page 58 read in every meeting I've attended (only about 6 or 7), and I am still going through that acceptance phase. It's early on. Part of me wants to rush things, but another part of me understands that it can't work that way. One of the things I've always lacked is patience, and that will take time. I realize the whole process will take time. I find my self stuck between feeling shame, and feeling some hope. But I do realize that I've got to change. It's difficult to assess where I really am. Sometimes I wonder if I am being too hard on myself, but I know some issues are going to need to be addressed. I sometimes have difficulty taking things one day at a time, and being ok with the slow process. Honesty with myself and others is also coming slowly, but it is something I am striving towards.

You're right, many things from the past begin re-surfacing, even things that occurred well before I was ever using. Even though I have not actively been working the steps, the searching of the moral inventory part has started on its own.

Dee74

I think we can be a little too hard on ourselves too.

There's a strong streak of perfectionism that runs through a lot of us, and in many cases failing to reach the expectations we set ourselves has been a factor in our substance abuse.

I'm not saying we shouldn;t take responsibility for things we did, or try to improve ourselves - both those things are healthy things to do - but to dwell on the past or to continually beat ourselves up for past mistakes is a whole lot less healthy.

I can;t change the past - accepting that has been a major chapter in my recovery.

I made amends and restitution where I could - for the rest, I've tried to live a kind of living amends with service work and other things.

I've made mistakes, and I continue to make them even now - but the worst mistake of all would be not to forgive myself so that I was unable to move on to wherever it is I need to be.

D

tomsteve

early on i was reeeealllly kikin myself. the day after my last drunkwas the 1st time i was looking at my past and not trying to stuff it or deny it. i was seeing all the wreckage i left in my wake. i felt like i was a POS.
i was a mess at meetings and goin on about all the guilt and shame.
welp, one day this old fart was sittin next to me and after i got done with my ( what i see now was) self pity rant said,"quit kikin yourself in the arse. youre not a bad man, just a sick man."
that made sense. bad men dont feel remorse,regret, and guilt.
i had been reading the big book.over and over. eventually i was starting to see.what i was seeing was the promises- all of them( not just the 9th step ones)- and i wanted them to happen for me.and i wanted them yesterday!
mentioned it to that old fart one day after a meeting . he had a smile on his face-"great to hear that and you can have it all. but it aint gonna happen overnight. ya drank for a long time. its going to take time for those promises to happen. give time time.
T.I.M.E.=Things I Must Earn.

CD, one thing i learned is no one kiks us as hard or as much as ourselves.in a way thats a good thing as it shows we have accepted we are the ones with the problem. we are the ones who caused the damage.
but then it can also be bad IF we sit in the self pity and misery. but there IS a solution.
so, heres a little exercize that was suggested i do early on and i suggest it for you:
every morning, go look in the mirror. look right into your own eyes and say," i love myself today." do that every time your near a mirror.

one of my favorite lines from the big book:

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.


we arent bad people gettin good.
we're sick people gettin weller.

PhoenixJ

I am constantly plagued by guilt, shame, remorse. That I deserve to be alone and sad- as punishment. That I have to suffer (real old -t stuff) and experience pain- a catharsis before I finally find peace. Well at least the first part is working- all the negatives. What I do- is every time I feel that way- I force myself to do something, anything productive. Even (like today) if it is just a 10 minute walk. Or sweep the floor- go to a meeting...do recovery 'homework'. V-E-R-Y slowly over time, the guilt etc- dims from a shout to a whisper.. Then the next day- I do it all over again...

kenton

Yeah, learning how to be a whole new person can be tough. But it also can be great. One of the many changes I'm noticing in myself is the way I project myself to the outside world. I used to spend so much time on my appearance. I think because I was living a lie and in reality I was a hollow shell of a person, it was important to me that the hollow shell looked as good as possible. I wanted the outside world to think that I was someone who had her **** together. Now that I am actually getting my **** together, I don't seem to care what other people think. And I don't care so much about what I look like. And this is one way in which I'm becoming less shallow.

And when I was drinking I was definitely selfish and I definitely hurt people and I've tried to make amends to all the people I hurt and who matter to me. Every day I try to take little steps towards becoming the new version of the person I want to be. But Rome wasn't built in a day and I'm definitely a work in progress. And even when I do become the person I want to be, I'm probably still going to mess up every now and then and do or say something dumb that offends someone. Because I'm not perfect and I'm never going to be perfect and neither is anyone else. But not being a hollow shell anymore is pretty cool. And so is walking around with no make up and unwashed hair and not giving a damn what anyone else thinks. I'd much rather be sober and cringe when I look back on past, selfish behaviours than still be living that ridiculous, self-centred lie.

cellardoor77

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

Dee: Sometimes I feel like I am a little too hard on myself, and maybe it goes overboard at times. I suppose that if it can act as a catalyst for me to somehow make right on my wrongs from the past, and make changes moving forward, than maybe that is what I need. From what I am able to see on this site, it looks like you have done much service work here on the site, and I'm sure you have positively affected the lives of many. It's inspiring.

Tomsteve: Thanks for relating and sharing part of your story. I like the TIME acronym. I will remember that. As far as the mirror thing, I guess it seems kind of hokey, but sure.. why not? I suppose there might be some self love issues that are contributing.

Phoenix: I agree with you 100% on the getting stuff done. It has been difficult to do anything lately, even little things like the dishes, as I have felt pretty awful and probably been throwing a little pity party. When I was using, I had all the confidence in the world. But it wasn't me, and it was a crutch. Now I feel like a scared little puppy half the time. Drugs make you weak. I just have to re-learn to become strong again on my own, and it's been a lot tougher than I had anticipated. I'll say this, as difficult as it is sometimes to get up, and make myself do something that needs to be done., I never feel weaker, or regret doing the dishes or cleaning out my car.

Kenton: It sounds like you are in a pretty good spot, even if it is always a work in progress. I can very much relate to that superficiality.. whether it was my appearance, my job status, abilities in my particular art-form or whatever else. It became more about what I was projecting to the world, and it was pretty hollow and lacking in any true substance.


I think that more than anything, I just need to start putting in the work, remember to have and share my gratitude when I have things to be grateful for (and I do), and try to find ways to put others first, even if this doesn't always come naturally to me. Maybe it's a matter of fake it til you make it?

Thanks everyone

tomsteve

when you were drinking, did you have a problem lookin at yourself in the mirror? lookin right into your own eyes?
personally i hadnt looked at myself in the mirror for may years. didnt realize that til i got into AA and was asked,"when was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror?"
i couldnt. i didnt like who and what i was. it sounded weird to me,too. first time i did it was exptremely hard and i started crying. but i still did it. i didnt believe a word i said- didnt believe i loved myself. because i didnt.
yet.
but i kept doing it, kept going to meetings, kept reading the big book, kept praying, kept working the steps.
eventually, i was able to say it, believe it, and show it.

as far as putting others first:
its good to read ya thinking about that, but something to remember is this is early recovery for you and you have to put you and your recovery first at this time. reach out when you can, but be careful not to put too much on yourself by helping others.

cellardoor77

That's an interesting question. When I was drinking more heavily, I did plenty of stupid, regretful, and embarrassing things. And I am thankful things didn't turn out much worse than they could have (because they certainly could have). I guess that back then, I had some shame. I suppose that I either buried it in more alcohol (or drugs), or I didn't properly deal with the shame, or rationalized away. I was always quite susceptible to my own brand of BS. But I do think it's fair to say that I wasn't very happy with myself at the time. When I switched to drugs (just a low dose of tramadol at the time), I was actually pretty happy with myself for awhile. It was a low dose, non-narcotic (lol yeah right). I had it under control and was getting my stuff together (at least on the outside.. showing the world I could be successful) and felt like I was making progress in certain areas. Certainly wouldn't say this was true happiness, but I was proud of myself. Then came the benzos to sleep, and eventually the adderall to help me focus and get more stuff done. Eventually I just lost myself in it all, and couldn't function without any of it. When stopping, that is when the chemical fog lifted, and the shame and regret set in.

At this point, I just want to find myself again. The real me. And hope to become a better person in the process.

And don't worry. When I was talking about thinking of others, and being less selfish. I just meant the little things, like even being more considerate on the road, waiting longer to hold the door open for someone, or really trying to listen to others stories and meetings, and work on my empathy. Not planning to start a charity drive or anything just yet

Thanks, Tomsteve. I appreciate ya!

cellardoor77

**listening to others stories at meetings, and working on my empathy

Actually, I think it just dawned on me what you are trying to say. You gotta love yourself before you can love others? If so, I guess that makes a lot sense.

teatreeoil007

At the outset I can add that there are a lot of things that "shape" what kind of person we become. Without dwelling TOO much on the past, it's still worth taking a look at our childhood for starters. And indeed, most counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists when you first start therapy/treatment don't waste a whole lot of time before they ask you about your childhood. And then on up through the years. What kinds of experiences have we gone through, how have others customarily treated us? The way others treat us helps "shape" who we are and our sense of self too and also what we come to expect from others in turn; what we seek from others and then too: how we treat others.

I think perhaps self-centeredness could be rooted in a person's desire/need to preserve the self, and to keep the "self" fiercely guarded at all costs lest something happens to threaten it. This also determines many of our behaviors.

cellardoor77

Thanks for the reply. It's interesting you mention childhood. Since getting clean, many of my old childhood memories have been resurfacing, and I have been attempting to sort of work through them. I had never seen a therapist, except for during a short period in my youth. But just recently I made an appointment to see another one. Hoping it will prove to be beneficial.

You said: "I think perhaps self-centeredness could be rooted in a person's desire/need to preserve the self, and to keep the "self" fiercely guarded at all costs lest something happens to threaten it."

I think there's probably a lot of truth there, and this is something that has been floating around my head recently.. wondering if self-centeredness might be some sort of defense-mechanism, or difficulty with vulnerability, or maybe a protection of the ego (if that is, indeed, what your are saying) Might be something to discuss with my therapist.

teatreeoil007

You're welcome, cellardoor.

You mentioned that you feel like you need to change, but perhaps don't know how....I understand that, I really do. Change can be scary sometimes as we tend to cleave unto that which is familiar. And, old habits are hard to break as we all know how very hard that is; I guess the premise for this entire forum, eh?

Too many changes all at once can be overwhelming. So, it's okay to just take baby steps. Someone who really helped me a lot back in 2004 was Mr. Dave Ramsey. (google him)He's the guy that is passionate about getting out of debt. In exploring this, it caused me to not only look at my finances, but at my WHOLE life, my other habits, and it really caused some major soul searching....which then led me on a spiritual odessy, which I am very much thankful for. But one thing he always stressed to folks who were overwhelmed was to take Baby Steps.

With baby steps a person is LITERALLY learning to walk (again) or....walk in a whole new WAY....it's transforming, it's humbling, but it's empowering at the same time....and it can cause a person to trust in God more...

I began listening to Dave's radio show almost everyday and it was extremely helpful to hear of other peoples' stories and problems they had got into with debt. One thing I remember him telling a caller was "Well, you've got a lot of debt there and you're going to have start digging yourself out...but the GOOD news is you've got a big shovel." That just really stayed with me for some reason.

Do we as humans even have an awareness of what our "shovel" really is and how big it is? Are we aware of the help that is available to us and are we humble enough to access it?

I think you are SO on the right track already in simply being aware of what you want/need to change.

As far as the ego goes: That's a hard concept to grasp because it's not really tangible. One book that really helped me on that is "The Power Of Now", by Eckhart Tolle. We hang on to our egos as if they are a lifeline, don't we? I know I do. And we will always have the ego with us. But, for myself it has been an exercise in learning to live with the ego and just not let it get out of hand. Keeping the ego in check doesn't mean we have low self esteem. Rather we cease to be motivated primarily by our egos and instead find other ways/means to be motivated.

I think maybe our ego is partly responsible for some of the future-tripping we get into at times. We worry about this and that and what if this happens and how am I going to deal with that and what will people think of me and the list goes on.....

But staying in the "Now" does require some patience I have found, as the tendency is to want to skip ahead.

Change can be scary...we tend to "hang on" to certain things with a death grip. (speaking for myself)...but change often involves a certain amount of letting go...There are certain things I have no control over, but if I really want to I can change my outlook, my attitude, my perspective, my "view", my thinking.

There are many things we don't understand, but will understand better as we get further along....

teatreeoil007

It just occurred to me here that perhaps it's our ego that prevents us from simplifying our lives. (smile)

One thing I love about Dave Ramsey is he's fairly big into simplifying so encourages people to really look at how they live and learn to live on less for a time which does require simplifying. "Beans and Rice, beans and rice". He also encourages them to sell stuff they don't really need. (I know, difficult concept in our materialistic society) Google "The Dave Ramsey Show" if you want to listen.

cellardoor77

Thanks again, Teatreeoil.

There's a lot of truth in your post. Old habits ARE very hard to change, old mindset is very difficult to change. For me, it seems that my old mindset and drug usage have become intrinsically linked. I feel that I need to begin to change my mindset in order move drugs away from my conscious mind. Old habits and old ways of thinking have to go to, it seems. Even the ones that were present before the usage really started. I'm very new in sobriety/recovery, and maybe I'll have a somewhat different take on it months or years down the road. But for now, this is what makes sense to me. Lately I've realized that somewhere along the way, I developed the ridiculous notion that life was supposed to be easy, so now I have to learn to put in the work (without chemical helpers). I feel like for me, gold ol' honest hard work (as well as the other things mentioned in my previous posts that I'd like to work on) are good for the soul. Whatever that type of work happens to be.. I just need to begin to challenge myself one step at a time.

Which brings up the next point. I am not familiar with Dave Ramsey, and my current issue is not financial debt, but I do like the idea of baby steps. I try not to get ahead of myself. And I agree, it is like learning to walk again, or learning to grow into your new skin, begin to get comfortable with the new 'norm' as I've heard it stated. Maybe I will check out Mr. Ramsey.

I have not actually read 'the power of now', but know it is a popular book and I've heard much about it (mostly good). I think I will look into that as well.

Right now my focus is on honesty (with myself and others), authenticity, learning to be strong again on my own (not saying without others help, but obviously without the help of drugs, and re-connecting with others.. new and old). This is what makes sense to me at the moment, although like you said, there is a lot that we do not understand now, but will eventually begin to reveal itself as we move down the path.

tomsteve

CD, change takes time. patience is NOT one of my virtues. i wanted EVERYTHING the program promised and wanted it NOW. i had a hard time accepting it was going to take time. but eventually i did.
i also had a problem with complicating it. i did a lot of reading.
and there i was with all this information and paralyzed.
one day my sponsor said,"tom, theres nothing unique about what youre doing. its good to want to learn, but take it easy. youre loading yourself up on so much information and now you dont know which way to turn. its best if ya stop thinking you need to know everything. its best if you stop thinking you need to know everything. knowing everything aint gonna change your life. your actions will- actions over time."
man that pissed me off, but eventually i admitted he was right.
the simpler i make it the easier it is. focus on whats in front of me.
more will be revealed when it needs to be revealed. there were many,many times i struggled- i was wanting answers. at the time i didnt know i wanted answers to questions i didnt even need answers to. there were times ive prayed for ansers and i swear i heard my HP say,"seriously? what in the world do you need the answer to that question for???"
pretty wild how so many times i jiust let go- let go of wanting to know.
then the answer came shortly after.

K.I.S.S. for me is
Keep It Slow and Simple.

Steely

I'm going to start forgiving myself too. Thanks everyone.

teatreeoil007

Live like you have never lived before so you can live like you have never lived before .

cellardoor77

Thanks, Tomsteve. Always good to get a little wisdom from someone who's been there and done that. Yeah, my patience is lacking big time. I know it's something I've got to get better at, but that will have to wait I know I'm at that point where I'm trying to figure out everything all at once. It's difficult, because that's just how my brain wants to work right now. Probably always has.

You said: "knowing everything aint gonna change your life. your actions will- actions over time." That makes sense, and I can accept that, even if I have to continue to remind myself.

This doesn't have a whole lot to do with the rest of the conversation, but I realize that I need to learn to re-connect with people again. Years of using mood/mind altering substances left me with an emotional range about this big (holding up thumb and index finger about an inch apart). I need to learn how to deal with emotions again, sometimes finding them, and then being able to manage them. Over the past 8 or 9 years, I feel like I constantly fed my 'left' brain. I became very analytical, and could have hour long conversations on anything from science to music theory, but that emotional part of my brain was just shriveling away, completely neglected, and now I think it's starting to turn back on, but hasn't quite figured out how to work right just yet. So anyway, I guess that's where I'm at.