chloebaby

I have been on this site for awhile lurking mostly. I know aa has been good for me but im new to it. I am on a 3 shift rotation and have huge anxiety issues. So hate new people. I am a huge black out drinker. I black out every time I drink. Well last weekend messaged my sister something to which I have now gotten to in big book not to tell. I'm tired of being like this but I just can't stop. Even the agony of hearing what I did the next day won't stop me. I have only been drinking a few years and people think it's just so easy just stop. I can't. I am getting my license back this week but promised myself not to buy a car until I'm 6 months clean. I hit someone's car 3 years ago. No one was hurt but the thought of hurting someone scares me. Sorry for rambling just don't know what to do anymore.

tomsteve

choe, have you gotten a sponsor in AA? reading the big book? going to meetings regularly? working the steps? talkin to others in AA?

getting sober isn't easy. its not as easy as just stop. THAT is just the beginning.
it can be quite a fight, but well worth every second of fight necessary.

I was a blackout drinker,too. many mornings passing in and full of remorse,guilt, terror, and bewilderment over what I did or said the night before.
then I was given the gift of desperation- the pain of getting drunk had finally exceeded the pain of reality. I surrendered- I admitted and accepted alcohol had me whipped. went to AA( it was definatly not easy going to meetings for some time- lots of fear), got the big book, started doing what it said.
and fought the mental obsession for some time.
as promised in the big book, the problem with alcohol was removed- I recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body that made me drink.
AND have a pretty good life,too.

chloebaby

Thanks for reply. I have been to aa but I don't know how to get a sponsor cuz I'm so shy. Takes me awhile to warm up. In all honesty I got reading to the part of rigorous honesty and I bulked.

chloebaby

I was only lucky I could talk in aa cuz I did go to a rehab where you had no choice to share or get kicked out.

doggonecarl

To overcome being a blackout drunk, you might have to overcome some shyness, or anxiety, or fear. What's worse, your shyness or your drinking.

And if you still refuse AA, are you too shy for Rational Recovery/AVRT?

You've been struggling for a while. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Change is scary. But imagine how scary it will be to be posting here, still a blackout drunk, five years from now?

chloebaby

Not sure what art is. I was doing well going to aa. My question is for aa in your steps is it usual to tell same story time and time again? Is that the Point. After 3 weeks I didn't want to tell same story.

chloebaby

[QUOTE=chloebaby;6424203]Not sure what art is. I was doing well going to aa. My question is for aa in your steps is it usual to tell same story time and time again? Is that the Point. After 3 weeks I didn't want to say same **** again. Does it help new people.

SoberLeigh

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

SoberLeigh

^^^^ Just click on the link in the above post, chloebaby, for some info on AVRT.

DontRemember

[QUOTE=chloebaby;6424206] In my,limited, AA time.. I've heard the same story multiple times and it's never bothered me. Sometimes I'll ignore whats being said and drift off in my mind but, I'm thinking of my recovery. I can honestly say that I've never left a meeting feeling worse than I did.

gregknight

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you, chloe, and wishing you the best. A little prayer from me. You cannot maintain sobriety alone. You need resources and support, anyway you can get them. Some good advice posted here.

tomsteve

usually the same story isnt told over and over. there are many different meeting formats- some are big book study, in which case whatever part of the bb is being discussed, people comment on it. step meetings- people comment on how they apply that step or what they learned from the step. topic meetings- people share on the topic.
if someone is telling the same story over and over, its probably because they haven't worked the steps.
the point of meetings for newcomers is to learn by listening- listening to the ones that had worked the steps( but newcomers can share,too.)
the point of meetings for people that have worked the steps is to carry the message to the newcomer. to share what it used to be like, what happened, and what its like now- our experience strength and hope.
and not the drinking thing( well, some people have drunkalogues)- everyone already knows how that is done. we talk about the thinking thing- the underlying issues that alcohol is just a symptom of.

you got to the part that about rigorous honesty- good! heres a little after that:

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

my nickname in highschool was shyboy.
through working the steps I learned I wasn't shy. I had fear- I was afraid of what other people thought of me. low self esteem.
and the steps helped me with it.

"After 3 weeks I didn't want to say same **** again. Does it help new people."
well, no. THAT doesn't help the newcomer. and the newcomer sharing the same thing over and over doesn't help the newcomer.and us who have recovered and want to help cant help what we don't know.do you hear the others there sharing the same thing meeting after meeting? what are the meeting formats? big book study? step meetings? topic meetings?

Sasha4

Are you saying that you drink to give you courage to socialise with other people?

I don't understand what you mean about your sister and the big book - can you explain?
The 3 shift rotation - is this your work?
Are you saying you drink when you are not at work or drink to get you through the shifts?

To me it sounds like you are forcing yourself to be in situations you are really not happy with.
I drank a lot as I found conversation hard on nights out and get to togethers.
I blacked out an awful lot.
Some people can laugh it off but I found it scary and I hated not knowing what I had done.

AnvilheadII

you don't HAVE to share at every AA meeting and you don't HAVE to share the same story every time. you could go and just LISTEN. try women's only meetings, step study meetings, and of course beginner's meetings. the point is to GO!

a real simple recovery plan is:

Don't Drink
Go to Meetings
Follow Directions

and the directions ARE:

Don't Drink
Go to Meetings
Follow Directions

keep it simple for now, ok?