FreeOwl

....I can't even count how many almost day one's I've had with this last-standing addiction.

I went to bed swearing up and down "no coffee tomorrow".

I got up in the night several times, already thinking about it. Then reminding myself.... "no coffee tomorrow".

Then I got up in the morning and lay in bed with my little girl thinking "no coffee today".

Then I got up and bundled her up and went to the coffee shop.


I know this is a 'newcomers to recovery' forum and many of you will think "what's this guy's big deal with coffee anyway"? But here's the thing;

I am still a newcomer.

I have over 3 years of sobriety and a grateful, full, present, joyful life.

But I'm still owned by a drug. I haven't gone a day without caffeine in as long as I can remember. Caffeine contributes to my GERD - and i've been on GERD medicines for over 20 years. The GERD medicines are
a drug. I'm dependent on them. They also rob my body of B12 and calcium and magnesium and likely contribute to cognitive issues, depression and anxiety.

It's all connected..... and it's all connected to the addictive cycle.

I swear each day - "Tomorrow's the day". Then each morning I break down and succumb to the craving. Caffeine. For decades I've consumed it - often in ridiculous quantities. Redeyes, energy drinks, triple-shot espressos. It's rewired me and even though I've had success in recovery - in some ways I'm still in active addiction.

The consequences - for now - are much more tolerable than those of alcohol or other drugs. But, there are still consequences. And my life is still owned and controlled by a drug.

I am powerless over caffeine. Because I still go to it on auto-program despite my efforts to avoid it.

I'll keep sharing here because for me, this is still an addiction issue and even a potential vulnerability to my sobriety; for as long as I'm not in the driver's seat with regard to this issue, I may be at risk for other addictions to slip in.

And perhaps my own struggle with this is informative of the cycle to the true newcomers..... and to those of you who've been around recovery a while - perhaps some of you also face lingering addictions. Maybe not as severe or negative as alcohol or drugs - but addictions no less.

And maybe we remain newcomers - as long as we are human.

PhoenixJ

One to be careful of- but no obsess over. That can be addictive too. Mind- where do we draw the line. I think it is good you have a continuing awareness. As to reducing / stopping coffee- no idea. Can you retrace the strategies you used in stopping drinking? I do know there are withdrawal symptoms. So be careful. Keep posting,.

soberclover

I've had these similar thoughts and actions with diet coke. I'm not able to go there with coffee. And I guess I've had this with food too. The reality is that the alcohol, coffee, diet coke, ice cream....whatever is just a symptom of my addiction. I can easily become addicted with anything that makes me feel good and alters my reality. When I'm not able to let something go in my life, I ask myself what purpose does it REALLY serve. For instance, having a diet coke after work is a replacement for me having a glass of wine after work. I"ve developed a ritual...a habit. The diet coke isn't really the issue; it's sitting down with a drink after work and relaxing. I've talked myself in to thinking that it is the diet coke that is helping me relax. Nope. It is sitting down and having something cold to drink. and a chance to check my email/social media.

So. I'm going to buy some lemons and limes after work and slice those up in to my cold glass of ice water

FreeOwl

Yeah.... I don't feel I'm obsessing over it. It's just a next-level deepening of my quality of life, and it comes with some very familiar hurdles of addiction.

Caffeine is without question addictive and I'm sure the strategies will work that worked with other drugs.

I believe the fundamental hurdle is that I have yet to really CHOOSE a caffeine-free lifestyle.

That's the reason I keep saying "tomorrow". Because the pain of staying the same has not yet outweighed the pain and the fear of change.

I have clear and present negatives; anxiety, GERD, being stuck on GERD meds that are undermining my health, imbalanced of hormones that I firmly believe are influenced by too much caffeine and the GERD meds. Likely-deteriorating health issues that are hard to notice but the effects of which are already showing (like mild depression, less energy, less ability to stay on track with fitness, sleep pattern disruption) - all things that I can see are negatively impacting my life..... yet I'm not yet willing to go through the discomfort of withdrawals (headaches from the caffeine, rebound GERD from the GERD meds) or stick to the discipline necessary for diet modification and getting back to a regimen of exercise. So, it's a classic viscious cycle. Add to that the general thought (and the virtually unanimous societal response) that caffeine really is "no big deal".... and it is an incredibly tough nut to crack.

biminiblue

When I was in early-early sobriety I was an anxious ball of anxious. I decided I needed to get off the caffeine in order to feel less like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

I am also a past migraine sufferer and there is no amount of zen that could entice me to do anything that may/could lead to a migraine. I have proven over and over in the past that getting off caffeine leads to a migraine and I was not willing.

What I did was reduce my caffeine slowly over a period of weeks. I bought some decaf and started mixing it half and half in the espresso machine. Then I slowly changed the ratio. If I started to get a headache I would have a little more caffeine. I finally got down to one cup with just the smallest amount of "regular" coffee in the mix and then I jumped off. The miracle was that I didn't get the withdrawals - and that was my major concern. I drank one cup of straight decaf for a couple mornings because habit, but then I just quit. It was fine!

But then I also tapered off alcohol, so YMMV. I'm just not a fan of withdrawals.

tomls

I was so glad when I read it was coffee!!!

fini

FreeOwl,
i sympathize

i had to have a lab test done a couple of weeks ago which required 4 days without caffeine, chocolate, cheese, beans, bananas, tomatoes..okay.
i decided not to have the test done.

then i sat with myself and decided to deal instead of just saying "NO!"
so i tapered. bought the best swiss-water decaffeinated decaff, and started mixing into my regular beans. increased the decaff portion each day.
i was shocked by how well that went. no headache, no lack of energy, no effect, really. wth??
no effect ....so therefore, after 4 days taper and four days no caffeine at all, and having discovered that good coffee shops make excellent decaff Americano, i saw no reason to go back to caffeine.
at this point, "the voice" still says, at times: "need caffeine! need it need it!!", but that is so clearly a lie as i'm not even missing it.

all this to say: it was not the same as quitting booze at all. tapering worked really well.
i'm in my early sixties, and have been addicted to coffee for decades. was convinced i could never give up caffeine.

and if you're interested in substitutes, there are some horrid ones, but Teechino 'French Roast' is really good.

FreeOwl

thanks!!

I think a planned taper might be the way to go.

I keep 'trying' to taper... but every day that I go ahead and get coffee... I just say "screw it, i've had coffee today, may as well have more".

But.... maybe if I map out an actual tapering schedule with specific limits, instead of just a quiet, only-to-myself "tomorrow I'll have less"...

The withdrawals and especially the migraines are a big part of it for me, too. And with the GERD, the terrible awful miserable suffering 'rebound GERD' is a huge challenge. Everything I've read suggests that to avoid these, 'tapering' is the answer. I never had luck with tapering when it came to drugs or alcohol. My "zero or a thousand" mentality always kicked in and if I had SOME, then I had a BUNCH.

Maybe this is a chance for me to work on the virtue of discipline.

Thanks for the input!

Maudcat

Anxious ball of anxious. Love it, Bim.

I agree with the tapering idea. Plan it out and do it. One cup of coffee at a time.

Misc72

At least you can't get a DUI for drinking too much coffee! Have you tried half caf or decaf. Quitting coffee during my pregnancy was the worse. Massive headaches.

FreeOwl

still no luck.

On the other hand, I still haven't REALLY made a CHOICE and ACTED to support that choice.

I just do the "I need to cut back" or "I'VE GOTTA QUIT" thing every day.... swear tomorrow will 'be different' and then head right back to it.

What I need to do if I have any hope of tapering, is set a tapering schedule and do it.

I've had some progress with the omeprazole.... I'm on my first week of having one pill every other day, 3/4 of a pill every other day. From there I'm going to drop to 3/4 every day and stay at that level for a couple weeks and if the GERD is manageable, then I'll go to 3/4 every other day and 1/2 every other day.... and so on, until I'm gradually able to (hopefully) wean off of the meds. If I get to tapering / weaning coffee that will surely help the medication weaning as well. It's a fact that caffeiene causes known issues with weakening the esophageal sphincter and also the acidity of coffee contributes to GERD.

So.... Progress. Not perfection.

Dee74

Its amazing to me how relentless is addiction...it pops its head up in so many other ways...the same excuses and rationalisations, the same maybe tomorrow schtick

..but I have faith you will make the right choice and you will act, Free Owl.

D

Ariesagain

I read your other thread..a few decades ago.I felt as if I had swallowed a large rock for months.

Then we ran out of coffee and I was too busy to go buy some for a couple of days...voila. The "lump" disappeared.

How do you feel about tea? You can still get a caffeine fix but it's ever so much gentler on your poor innards.

D122y

Free,

How much do you drink a day?

I drink no more than 4 cups a day.

I am way to cheap to go to a coffee shop e.g starbucks.

I make my own instant at home....coffee sacralige. I am a Billy goat.

At work they have k cups.

On the weekend I might get a $2 coffee at my favorite gas station. Buy 5 get 1 free. Yay!

Not sure if drinking this amount can hurt me....need to Google it.

Anyway, we are not perfect. Coffee is better than booze.

I vote have a few cups, but don't over do it.

theVman31

I like it : "last standing addiction"
Had to cut down too, tried decaf and now i drink tea (normal classic black tea or earl gray tea)
Have you tried Tea ?