children do not want to see recovering father
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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children do not want to see recovering father
My husband of 25 years checked into a detox center and then inpatient rehab. He has been in active addiction for about 10 years, with the last five being unbearable. He has been back from rehab for about 3 weeks. i have requested he not return home and have decided to end the marriage. I have been to one counseling session with him in hopes of easing the transition for both of us. He however is trying to salvage the marriage, so our goals are very different.
My children ages 12,17 and 24, have all decided they want no contact with him. My younger children experienced a great deal of emotional abuse, chaos and instability and are still very angry. They have also experienced peace and security in his absence. My concern is if honoring there request to not see or have contact with their father is in their best interest? I know that their father wants contact and forgiveness, but is it the children's responsibility to comfort him? and aid in his recovery journey?
The statistics are pretty grim and I would be a fool to believe he will not relapse at some point. I feel it is my responsibility to build and provide a safe space for my kids that is not connected to their dads recovery. Am I doing whats best for them? I am in need of some advice
My children ages 12,17 and 24, have all decided they want no contact with him. My younger children experienced a great deal of emotional abuse, chaos and instability and are still very angry. They have also experienced peace and security in his absence. My concern is if honoring there request to not see or have contact with their father is in their best interest? I know that their father wants contact and forgiveness, but is it the children's responsibility to comfort him? and aid in his recovery journey?
The statistics are pretty grim and I would be a fool to believe he will not relapse at some point. I feel it is my responsibility to build and provide a safe space for my kids that is not connected to their dads recovery. Am I doing whats best for them? I am in need of some advice
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Thank you for the response. It is daunting facing this change and wanting to do the right thing for everyone. I appreciate the response. I feel terribly sad for my husband that his attempt at recovery has come a bit to late for me and possibly the children. I worry that our need to disconnect will push him into relapse, however I know that for us to heal we can not be in close proximity to his recovery journey. I am just so very sad for all of us.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I was the alcoholic
I'm If he drinks again it won't be your decision or your childrens that makes him do that...he may think it is, and even say it is, but it's not...
it'll be his inability to deal with the reality of the consequences of his drinking.
I'm If he drinks again it won't be your decision or your childrens that makes him do that...he may think it is, and even say it is, but it's not...
it'll be his inability to deal with the reality of the consequences of his drinking.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
Well, my feelings are that I would never give up on another human being. This said, I think you should honor your children's wishes not to see their father in the short term. It's going to take time for them to come around and he's going to have to try and earn their trust, and that's no easy task. It sounds like your priorities are spot on: your children come first and they need time to heal and hopefully get some needed counseling.
Everyone deserves a second chance. My alcoholic father put our family through hell but my brother and I forgave him eventually. Time heals all wounds as they say. Right now it sounds like he needs to focus on his sobriety and the rest of the family needs to have healing time away from him.
Everyone deserves a second chance. My alcoholic father put our family through hell but my brother and I forgave him eventually. Time heals all wounds as they say. Right now it sounds like he needs to focus on his sobriety and the rest of the family needs to have healing time away from him.
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Join Date: May 2012
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You're doing the right thing to put yourself and your children's well being first. Alcoholism is a monster that brings absolute hell to families and those close to the alcoholic.
Perhaps once he (hopefully) gets a few years of sobriety under his belt, your kids may come around to speaking with him again.
Perhaps once he (hopefully) gets a few years of sobriety under his belt, your kids may come around to speaking with him again.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 216
Let's be very careful and very clear. Neither I nor anyone here knows your situation beyond what you've said, and is in no position to advise you as to what you should or shouldn't do.
Having said that, the first inalienable right of any human being in any situation is self-preservation. Do what your heart tells you will preserve your own health.
The second right and duty of any man or woman who becomes a parent is to do whatever it takes to preserve the health of our children. Your protective instincts will tell you what is best for your children right now in this moment.
Dad can focus on himself for a while, and then everybody involved can reassess how things are going once the turmoil has settled down and some healing takes place.
These are simply and only my opinions based on my experiences.
Having said that, the first inalienable right of any human being in any situation is self-preservation. Do what your heart tells you will preserve your own health.
The second right and duty of any man or woman who becomes a parent is to do whatever it takes to preserve the health of our children. Your protective instincts will tell you what is best for your children right now in this moment.
Dad can focus on himself for a while, and then everybody involved can reassess how things are going once the turmoil has settled down and some healing takes place.
These are simply and only my opinions based on my experiences.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear about your husband and hope that he will truly grab hold of sobriety with both hands. He is at the very beginning of what will be a life-long journey and effort for him.
Hopefully, if your husband continues in his sobriety, he will earn your children's trust again. And then they can begin to re-build their relationship. However, if your children have experienced chaos and verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of your husband for several years, then they deserve your protection. Your two oldest (24 and 17), are adults (or nearly so) and have the right to make their own decisions about having a relationship with their father. That is between them and him.
IMHO, your 12 yo deserves to feel safe and protected from the chaos he has been experiencing. I would, however, consult with your attorney because the court may see things differently during your divorce proceedings--I am guessing that is where you are headed based on your original post.
I am glad you are seeing a counselor and hope that you continue as well as find one for your two youngest. It will be helpful for them to process all that has happened and is happening. Ala-teen is also an option for them. It is a support group for young people who have family members who are alcoholics. They might feel more comfortable talking with their peers--they would see that they are not alone.
If you would like to, you could also visit our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. Reading the threads there, you will see that you are not alone in what you are going through.
Welcome, again. You, your children, and your husband will be in my prayers.
Please take good care! S
I'm sorry to hear about your husband and hope that he will truly grab hold of sobriety with both hands. He is at the very beginning of what will be a life-long journey and effort for him.
Hopefully, if your husband continues in his sobriety, he will earn your children's trust again. And then they can begin to re-build their relationship. However, if your children have experienced chaos and verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of your husband for several years, then they deserve your protection. Your two oldest (24 and 17), are adults (or nearly so) and have the right to make their own decisions about having a relationship with their father. That is between them and him.
IMHO, your 12 yo deserves to feel safe and protected from the chaos he has been experiencing. I would, however, consult with your attorney because the court may see things differently during your divorce proceedings--I am guessing that is where you are headed based on your original post.
I am glad you are seeing a counselor and hope that you continue as well as find one for your two youngest. It will be helpful for them to process all that has happened and is happening. Ala-teen is also an option for them. It is a support group for young people who have family members who are alcoholics. They might feel more comfortable talking with their peers--they would see that they are not alone.
If you would like to, you could also visit our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. Reading the threads there, you will see that you are not alone in what you are going through.
Welcome, again. You, your children, and your husband will be in my prayers.
Please take good care! S
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Originally Posted by Deckard1997 
I think you should let your children visit their father. I know it sounds insane.
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shiftinglife, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Speaking as a survivor of emotional and physical abuse I can give you this perspective. You want to believe that things are going to get better for him. You want to believe he's going to change. You're concerned that the kids refusing to see him is going to be a hindrance to his work in recovery.
Stop. This is all on him, he put himself in this predicament.
All that you need to focus on is the kids now feel safe and secure and don't want to see him and that's their right. I hope they get counseling.
He has to earn the right to see them. He needs to understand the pain he caused. This is as much a part of recovery as the goal of hoping to regain trust. None of which is yours nor your children's responsibility.
I wish you the best.
Speaking as a survivor of emotional and physical abuse I can give you this perspective. You want to believe that things are going to get better for him. You want to believe he's going to change. You're concerned that the kids refusing to see him is going to be a hindrance to his work in recovery.
Stop. This is all on him, he put himself in this predicament.
All that you need to focus on is the kids now feel safe and secure and don't want to see him and that's their right. I hope they get counseling.
He has to earn the right to see them. He needs to understand the pain he caused. This is as much a part of recovery as the goal of hoping to regain trust. None of which is yours nor your children's responsibility.
I wish you the best.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
It is certainly not the children's responsibility to "comfort" him during his recovery. It is his responsibility to prove himself. Feelings are feelings and they will have to work through them. Their feelings may change when they see change in their father. He does have the right to see them. Just try and bring up some casual things and ask that your STBX be patient, that you have all their interests in mind, but the kids come first. Wish all of you the best.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I think you should respect your children's wish to not have contact with their father right now. They need to see action, not just words, and when he has earned their trust again they can reassess. I don't know where you live but where I am 12 is the age that a child can choose for themselves which parent they want to live with. Maybe they could write him a letter explaining their feelings and how his behaviour has affected them? They don't have to send if they don't want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 11
Thank you for all the insight and support. We are all in individual counseling as well and I hope in time we can heal. My husband is rapidly becoming angrier at the situation, he is very used to my accomadating him at the expense of everyone else. It is a shift for all of us, and the disequilibrium we are feeling is alarming. It is comforting to hear that the length of time he has been willing to address his addiction is short and I am not being heartless to protect myself and our children. Again sincere thanks to everyone.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
In sobriety I came to believe that in order for my family to "come back" to me, I had to take action. This started with not drinking,daily.
While it was painful, I slowly understood (and continue to bear witness to) the wreckage my drinking caused in the lives of those who were closest to me - those I loved with my heart, but not my actions.
Love is verb..........
As a father, I learned to simply let go of my expectations of what relationships would look like in the future. I put my hope in change with the faith I could open my heart and mind. I could not look for more "words" to heal anything or anybody. No more promises.
Today I am approaching 3 years of sobriety. I now can have real, mature relationships with loved ones and the world at large. I am growing up.
Alcoholics in active alcoholism are very immature as is evidenced by their behaviors = lying, manipulation etc. It is in sobriety repairs to our stunted growth start to occur gradually, this take time.
Sorry for the pain all are experiencing. Encourage one action - Staying sober. Perhaps love will follow.
While it was painful, I slowly understood (and continue to bear witness to) the wreckage my drinking caused in the lives of those who were closest to me - those I loved with my heart, but not my actions.
Love is verb..........
As a father, I learned to simply let go of my expectations of what relationships would look like in the future. I put my hope in change with the faith I could open my heart and mind. I could not look for more "words" to heal anything or anybody. No more promises.
Today I am approaching 3 years of sobriety. I now can have real, mature relationships with loved ones and the world at large. I am growing up.
Alcoholics in active alcoholism are very immature as is evidenced by their behaviors = lying, manipulation etc. It is in sobriety repairs to our stunted growth start to occur gradually, this take time.
Sorry for the pain all are experiencing. Encourage one action - Staying sober. Perhaps love will follow.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
His anger is a big red flag that the essential dynamic in his mind should not change...he comes first.
Sooner or later, unless he recognizes that his drinking led to these consequences and that he doesn't get to mandate their feelings toward him, he will likely relapse.
Your children don't need more ugliness. It is NEVER the "responsibility" of a child to "comfort" a parent, who is presumably an adult.
Sooner or later, unless he recognizes that his drinking led to these consequences and that he doesn't get to mandate their feelings toward him, he will likely relapse.
Your children don't need more ugliness. It is NEVER the "responsibility" of a child to "comfort" a parent, who is presumably an adult.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 125
I believe that forcing the kids to see him will only result in more resentment toward him. He needs to heal himself first and foremost then try to reach out and rebuild a relationship with his kids. In my opinion when you treat your children poorly your forfeit the right / privilege of being their parent / role model, someone they can turn to for advise or in a time of need.
Do not feel guilty for doing what is best for your family. He made his choice.
Do not feel guilty for doing what is best for your family. He made his choice.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, shiftinglife. Welcome. To me, one of the hallmarks of true recovery is the acknowledgement by the drinker of the part he/she has played that brought the family to its present state.
It is awareness and acceptance that recovery is far more than rehab.
Indeed, rehab is the beginning of a long process to make amends to family and friends through one's actions.
Often, addicts feel that because they have gone through rehab and are no longer drinking, all prior bad acts should be forgiven and forgotten.
Nope.
Only time and amendment of action can rebuild trust.
I recognize that your husband is in early recovery, and emotions are all over the place.
Keep true for your children. Let him work his recovery, while you and the children work yours. If they prefer not to see him, then they shouldn't have to.
That he is angry and feels you are not accommodating his wishes as best you can, is not, in my opinion, a good sign of recovery. Peace.
It is awareness and acceptance that recovery is far more than rehab.
Indeed, rehab is the beginning of a long process to make amends to family and friends through one's actions.
Often, addicts feel that because they have gone through rehab and are no longer drinking, all prior bad acts should be forgiven and forgotten.
Nope.
Only time and amendment of action can rebuild trust.
I recognize that your husband is in early recovery, and emotions are all over the place.
Keep true for your children. Let him work his recovery, while you and the children work yours. If they prefer not to see him, then they shouldn't have to.
That he is angry and feels you are not accommodating his wishes as best you can, is not, in my opinion, a good sign of recovery. Peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 11
I think he has begun to accept some responsibility for his actions but only in very cursory way. It is as if he has imagined how his recovery will play out and what part each member of his family will play. He seems baffled by our non compliance. In our therapy session he actually said "i give you permission to be angry, you need to express those feelings so we can move on" I felt extremely minimized and as if I was only able to have feelings in connection to the effect they would have on his recovery. When I expressed my feelings and intention of pursuing legal separation and divorce he told me 'I was to keep an open mind, period" Is this a common experience? This lip service to the families experience?
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