My ex overdosed last night.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 3
My ex overdosed last night.
Hi all,
I used to come on here quite frequently about 4-5 years ago, but have since lost my log in info. Anyway, I am currently in a stage of shock and just need to get my feelings out there somewhere, so I apologize in advanced if I ramble on a bit.
I had my first boyfriend in high school. He was an addict, and had been wrestling with drug abuse from a young age. I didn't realize the extent of his addiction until probably half a year into our relationship when things started to go south. I became very codependent. I wanted to fix him, I wanted to help him. I had it made up in my mind that my love would be enough for him to stop using drugs. He was very verbally abusive, and at one point, physically abusive. This was my first relationship, and I did not know when enough was enough or when to stand my ground.
Our breakup was very rough. He was in and out of rehab trying to get his addiction under control. I didn't want to cut ties, I didn't want to say goodbye. It tore me apart. I came on here constantly seeking support. Time helped. I left for college, and those new experiences helped me move past this relationship and the hurt it caused.
Of course we had our good memories. After all, he was my first boyfriend. We went to homecoming and prom together, sang in choir concerts together, went on dates and spent countless hours just hanging around watching movies. Most of this I have tucked away though, not wanting to revisit this unhealthy area of my past. I do not speak to anyone about this relationship, and they know not to bring it up because it was such a dark time for me.
Years have passed, there have been times when he has reached out to me. Never asking for help, just seeing how I was and asking to hang out and smoke (I never used to smoke weed, only have a few times in college but stopped a long time ago.) I would almost always shut it down because it was too hard for me to open up that closed door.
My best friend called me at work today which I found rather odd, so I picked it up and she told me that he overdosed last night. She doesn't know many details. The only reason she found out was because her older brother was in the same rehab program as him. I don't know what he overdosed on either.
I feel as if I should be sad right now. I should be freaking out and breaking down. But I'm not. I just feel so weird, maybe because it hasn't hit me that he is truly gone? Reality hasn't sunk in yet? Or is because I emotionally disconnected myself from our relationship so long ago? My heart is breaking for his parents above everything else. They did so much to try to help him.
I just don't know what to do. What to think, what to say, what to feel. Do I go to the funeral? Do I send a card to his parents? I have never dealt with something like this before in my life. I have never had someone I love or love(d) pass away.
I used to come on here quite frequently about 4-5 years ago, but have since lost my log in info. Anyway, I am currently in a stage of shock and just need to get my feelings out there somewhere, so I apologize in advanced if I ramble on a bit.
I had my first boyfriend in high school. He was an addict, and had been wrestling with drug abuse from a young age. I didn't realize the extent of his addiction until probably half a year into our relationship when things started to go south. I became very codependent. I wanted to fix him, I wanted to help him. I had it made up in my mind that my love would be enough for him to stop using drugs. He was very verbally abusive, and at one point, physically abusive. This was my first relationship, and I did not know when enough was enough or when to stand my ground.
Our breakup was very rough. He was in and out of rehab trying to get his addiction under control. I didn't want to cut ties, I didn't want to say goodbye. It tore me apart. I came on here constantly seeking support. Time helped. I left for college, and those new experiences helped me move past this relationship and the hurt it caused.
Of course we had our good memories. After all, he was my first boyfriend. We went to homecoming and prom together, sang in choir concerts together, went on dates and spent countless hours just hanging around watching movies. Most of this I have tucked away though, not wanting to revisit this unhealthy area of my past. I do not speak to anyone about this relationship, and they know not to bring it up because it was such a dark time for me.
Years have passed, there have been times when he has reached out to me. Never asking for help, just seeing how I was and asking to hang out and smoke (I never used to smoke weed, only have a few times in college but stopped a long time ago.) I would almost always shut it down because it was too hard for me to open up that closed door.
My best friend called me at work today which I found rather odd, so I picked it up and she told me that he overdosed last night. She doesn't know many details. The only reason she found out was because her older brother was in the same rehab program as him. I don't know what he overdosed on either.
I feel as if I should be sad right now. I should be freaking out and breaking down. But I'm not. I just feel so weird, maybe because it hasn't hit me that he is truly gone? Reality hasn't sunk in yet? Or is because I emotionally disconnected myself from our relationship so long ago? My heart is breaking for his parents above everything else. They did so much to try to help him.
I just don't know what to do. What to think, what to say, what to feel. Do I go to the funeral? Do I send a card to his parents? I have never dealt with something like this before in my life. I have never had someone I love or love(d) pass away.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am very sorry for your loss and all of the emotions that come with that. I think you need to feel what you feel and I think you need to do or not do what feels best for you. There is no one way fit to deal with grief, we all feel it differently.
If want to attend the wake/funeral then attend and if you do not want to then don’t, nothing wrong with that.
If you feel you would like to send his parents a sympathy card then send them one and if you don’t then don’t, nothing wrong with that either.
((hugs))
If want to attend the wake/funeral then attend and if you do not want to then don’t, nothing wrong with that.
If you feel you would like to send his parents a sympathy card then send them one and if you don’t then don’t, nothing wrong with that either.
((hugs))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
majestic....I am so, so sorry. I think your feelings, right now, are normal for the situation. It does take a while for us to process what has happened. It can feel sort of "weird".
My suggestion...go to the services if you really feel like you want to.
Otherwise, you might sent the parents a delivery of sympathy flowers, with a sincere note......
My suggestion...go to the services if you really feel like you want to.
Otherwise, you might sent the parents a delivery of sympathy flowers, with a sincere note......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
majesticunicorn,
"After all, he was my first boyfriend. We went to homecoming and prom together, sang in choir concerts together, went on dates and spent countless hours just hanging around watching movies."
Sorry for your loss, even though you had cut off contact, I believe there are still some feelings or connections to him and his family.
If you think you would get some closure by going to the funeral or by seeing his family one more time, by all means go to the funeral - it's one of the things adults do - never fun, but I don't think anyone ever promised it was fun to be an adult.
The funeral obviously is not for him, it is for the survivors - if you think you would help raise their spirits by attending - go. Homecoming and prom - like it or not you are a part of his and their stories.
I think you already know that you should go and perhaps help mend his parent's broken hearts.
What to say to his parents? Say that you are sorry that he is gone and that you know they did their best to help him - that none of this is their fault and to be glad that he is finally free.
Keep coming back,
Jim
"After all, he was my first boyfriend. We went to homecoming and prom together, sang in choir concerts together, went on dates and spent countless hours just hanging around watching movies."
Sorry for your loss, even though you had cut off contact, I believe there are still some feelings or connections to him and his family.
If you think you would get some closure by going to the funeral or by seeing his family one more time, by all means go to the funeral - it's one of the things adults do - never fun, but I don't think anyone ever promised it was fun to be an adult.
The funeral obviously is not for him, it is for the survivors - if you think you would help raise their spirits by attending - go. Homecoming and prom - like it or not you are a part of his and their stories.
I think you already know that you should go and perhaps help mend his parent's broken hearts.
What to say to his parents? Say that you are sorry that he is gone and that you know they did their best to help him - that none of this is their fault and to be glad that he is finally free.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Majestic, It is so difficult to lose someone to an overdose. If you think it will help YOU to get closure, then of course go and pay your respects. Also it most likely would help the parents dealing with this terrible loss. My son is my addict and he has been struggling since 20 (now 27). I know I would appreciate someone who truly cared for him sharing their support and their memories of the person they both cared for.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 254
It's probably all surreal to you right now. My advice would be to attend the funeral. In some small measure it will be comforting to his parents to have you (and other old friends) present. Perhaps especially because of the way he died, they will appreciate your presence, because others may stay away because they're judgmental.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My prayers go out for all who loved him. How very sad to end one's life this way.
Take time to process your feelings, even though he wasn't active in your life today, he was very much part of some good times (as well as the bad) in the past. Mourn the good times and the person he was before addiction stole his soul.
Hugs
Take time to process your feelings, even though he wasn't active in your life today, he was very much part of some good times (as well as the bad) in the past. Mourn the good times and the person he was before addiction stole his soul.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Dear majestic, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know what it feels like. I lost my AH due to an OD last summer. It's awful. I think you should trust your gut on this in deciding what to do, that's how I went about with all decisions when my AH died. I think it could give you closure and that it would be supportive for his parents if you would attend the funeral, because some people won't cause they are judgemental ( like Cherryvanilla said) and think that he was just an addict. But we who knew and loved them know that they were much more than that. If you feel that it's the right thing to attend the funeral, then go, but if not that is also fine. You know what he meant to you in your heart.
Sending you lots of hugs and emapathy
Sending you lots of hugs and emapathy
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so sorry for your loss. As others said, just be kind to yourself and know that you may experience many different emotions. In terms of whether to go to the funeral or not, follow what seems right to you - and by that I mean what feels the most comfortable. I can tell you that as a parent of a 20 year old who died from an overdose, I still can picture her ex boyfriend coming up to me at the services and it meant a lot to me. It wasn't about what may have happened between them and their break up - it was about sharing with someone else who I knew loved her and was greatly impacted by her death. I also treasured the notes and cards from friends who talked about good memories and the sweet, kind soul that she was. Those things last well beyond the shock of a sudden death of a young, vital person. Keeping you and all who loved him in my thoughts. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone for your sympathy and words of advice and comfort. I really appreciate it as this has proven to be a difficult time for me. I think I am finally beginning to process it all as I have had a few breakdowns since I first posted this. I think the reality of the situation is just starting to sink in. I haven't really dealt with the emotions that came as a result of our relationship, so I think one of the hardest parts is just revisiting the pass.
I decided that I am going to attend the funeral, many of my friends were also close to him, so I have a good friend I am going to go with. I think that it will provide closure, and I do want to show my support to his family. While our relationship was difficult, I am choosing not to think about the bad times. I want to remember him as the person he was outside of his addiction, a truly remarkable, kind, and loving soul. I am going to focus on the good memories we shared and lay the bad ones to rest.
Part of my heart just aches wondering if I could have done something different. If I responded when he asked to see me or made an effort to check in with him, would this all have played out differently? I know he had a support group to turn to, and I know it's not my fault, but there is still quite a bit of guilt I feel.
I decided that I am going to attend the funeral, many of my friends were also close to him, so I have a good friend I am going to go with. I think that it will provide closure, and I do want to show my support to his family. While our relationship was difficult, I am choosing not to think about the bad times. I want to remember him as the person he was outside of his addiction, a truly remarkable, kind, and loving soul. I am going to focus on the good memories we shared and lay the bad ones to rest.
Part of my heart just aches wondering if I could have done something different. If I responded when he asked to see me or made an effort to check in with him, would this all have played out differently? I know he had a support group to turn to, and I know it's not my fault, but there is still quite a bit of guilt I feel.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I understand that you feel guilt emotionally, however your logical mind knows there is nothing you could do. There is only one person who can fix an addict, and that is the addict. There is all sorts of support for them, they have to choose to be clean, every single day, forever. It's a huge commitment not many are willing to make.
We, as a non-addict, are always thinking they will find some "bottom" and get well, because that is how our minds work. However, I have lost all belief in the concept of a bottom at all, addiction ebbs and flows for some, and becomes out of control until death for others. It's tragic, and out of the control of anyone except the addict.
I think you are wise to let the bad memories go, and move forward and wish the family well.
Hugs to you!
We, as a non-addict, are always thinking they will find some "bottom" and get well, because that is how our minds work. However, I have lost all belief in the concept of a bottom at all, addiction ebbs and flows for some, and becomes out of control until death for others. It's tragic, and out of the control of anyone except the addict.
I think you are wise to let the bad memories go, and move forward and wish the family well.
Hugs to you!
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