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Is this normal?

Old 04-05-2017, 08:58 AM
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Is this normal?

My addict H has been in AA for 6 wks, and has psych appointments and grief counseling weekly. Well he has cancelled his grief counseling and does not intend to reschedule and he said his doctor thinks he only needs to come to appts every other week now. The problem is that I felt something was 'off' and I asked him if he was keeping ALL his appts and he looked right at me and said yes. (LIE) So I called his doctor ( I have a release of information so I can be sure he is doing what he says he is doing...keeping apps etc...) They confirmed my suspicions. Long story short- I got mad that he lied, he got mad that I got mad and gave him a drug test (was clean) We fought, tried talking about lying, he then tells me he resents me for telling our children that he was using and that it was his place to do so....(but he lies about most everything, so cannot trust him to actually do that) he yelled at me for "zeroing in on one thing and nitpicking," but it was just me asking a question about the past because it related to what we were arguing about at the present. And then he throws something i did at me from the past. I guess my question is is it normal to be like this? We cannot communicate, or resolve old issues because 1) he lies, and 2) he gets pissed and tells me I'm holding things over his head. In all honesty, I just need clarity on old issues that is why I mention them. I just don't know what is normal or not...kinda just needing some experience, strength, and hope. Thanks all.
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Old 04-05-2017, 09:14 AM
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LT- my empathy and support to you. I was like that- the pissed one. A elf- caused catastrophic event (ccident- booze) drove my family finally and completely away. For their own sanity. I respect that and do not blame them. I leave them be and focus on my sobriety (ok). Pointis- you have a right to be happy, safe and have a life now- not put it on hold until 'things get better' - or 'back to normal'. Addiction does not work that way. Perhaps go to al-anon and seek support? There is also a lot of info/narratives and support at SR. There is also a women's only thread.
Keep posting, stay safe. PJ.
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Old 04-05-2017, 09:21 AM
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Well, lying about stuff isn't good. You can't put your trust in someone who lies.
That he blames you and accuses you of nitpicking isn't great either. Sounds to me, and I'm no expert, mind, that he is either drinking again or getting ready to.
To answer your question, while we are all over the place emotionally in early sobriety, no, I don't think this is normal behavior.
Using looks like using. Recovery looks like recovery.
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Old 04-05-2017, 09:39 AM
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He's not being square with you, he's no longer in quality recovery. Period. Recovery demands total honesty. If he can't cut it his sobriety is at huge risk.
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Old 04-05-2017, 10:47 AM
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Deception is not a part of recovery. If he's cutting corners and lying he on shaky ground and is planning to relapse or setting himself up to.

You can't manage or control his recovery anymore then you could his addiction. Both belong to him.

We can get so caught up trying to make sure they do right thing... but the hardcore reality is you can't make him get clean or remain clean and trying to will only make you sick.

Detach, find your own recovery and work it. That way you will be okay no matter what he does or doesn't do.
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Old 04-05-2017, 04:11 PM
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they say what do you get when you sober a horse thief?
a sober horse thief.

in your case, the lying wasn't directly caused by the alcohol he consumed, it's a by-product and what HE DOES.

you can't MAKE him tell you the truth.
you CAN accept that he is a liar. and that checking up on him, asking him, testing him, won't change a darn thing.
he'll STILL be a liar.
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Old 04-05-2017, 05:18 PM
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Deception is not a part of recovery. If he's cutting corners and lying he on shaky ground and is planning to relapse or setting himself up to.

You can't manage or control his recovery anymore then you could his addiction. Both belong to him.
What Passion said.

We can't "manage" anyone but ourselves. We can decide what we will do if the addiction continues but we cannot make them change.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Take care of yourself and decide what YOU would like your future to look like, then live your life accordingly.
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Old 04-06-2017, 08:17 AM
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As the wife of an addict, you have to decide at some point if you can ever trust this man. Trust is the basis of all relationships, including that with your children, and your children with him as a father. If he lies, there cannot be that bond there. If he cannot understand that, I would say there will never be any progress. I am of the camp that it takes someone who lies like that intensive treatment to stop b/c that is how they get through life.

So sorry you are going through this.
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Old 04-07-2017, 04:47 PM
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Thank you all, it is encouraging and helpful!
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