aliciagr

I hadnt planned on reading here today, but Im glad I did because there were a lot of good posts by people and Im seeing more clearly that my MIL is getting her recovery ideas based off of AA. Im thinking she must be using Alanon for a good length of time because Ive heard repeated here many things she has said to me (and my husband) over the last year.

Backstory: My husband and I have been wanting to work on establishing a better relationship with his parents. Things are going pretty good with his dad, but not his mom. She was really upset last weekend and it appears to be over his recovery approach.

I can see now that if she has certain beliefs then its going to be hard for her to accept his approach because there are key differences.

I am going to see my therapist tomorrow, and I suddenly had the idea that maybe it would be helpful if at some point we could set up a session for my MIL to join us in one of the family therapy sessions that we do together. The therapist could then explain the recovery approach, and my husband would have a safe place to discuss with her is progress, and such. Plus. we could talk out any concerns she has,

I also know that her approach may suggest its none of her business and she shouldnt be involved in what he is doing. But its basically that she has made a decision that because he doesnt work "recovery" in the manner that she thinks is correct.. she has then set up a boundary and wants to limit contact. Well, we have a baby coming soon and I would like our child to have a grandmother who visits and is part of our lives. So its about the family dynamics, not just trying to fix their issues.

As a sidenote.. I have attended Alanon, but i think she is much more deeply into it than I am.. Ive done a dozen meetings or so, and unsure how I feel about it. One foot in, and one foot out and struggling to take what I want and leave the rest peacefully behind.

Has anyone here,.. moms or dads I guess, joined in with a family session, or worked out an issue like differences in personal beliefs? Or would it really be best to leave it all alone, keep our distance and see if in time there is a connection established as my husband grows stronger in recovery? That leaves me without a MIL for now I guess too unfortunately.

I want so badly to sort things out within the next few months. I figure "understanding" where each person is coming from is a good start?

biminiblue

hm. I think I would let MIL and DH work out their own relationship.

LexieCat

I think you can suggest it to your husband and/or the therapist, but if either one of them says, "Not a good idea," then back off. Similarly, if therapist and husband are on board with the idea, but MIL is not, then back off.

I don't see anything wrong with making a suggestion, but pushing it, when both of the primary people involved don't want to do it (or the therapist isn't comfortable with it), then you're jumping out of your hula hoop and into theirs.

aliciagr

I think I will ask my therapist tomorrow. I have a whole slew of questions prepared for myself but will fit that in.

LexieCat

I'm confused. Who is doing the "family therapy" right now? Your therapist or his? It seems like if you want someone to explain HIS treatment program, HIS therapist is the one to be doing it. How can your therapist explain or answer questions about what his therapist is doing?

AnvilheadII

in all my relationships i have made a rule to NEVER get involved in the other person's family stuff. nor do i allow them to become involved in mine. i've never called a partner's parents to involve them in our adult issues. i even kept my second husband at arm's length regarding my child from a previous marriage.

your MIL is entitled to feel/think however she deems fit in this situation. this is her SON, her child. that is a sacred relationship between the two of them. she is well aware you have a baby coming. she is also VERY concerned about the behaviors and actions that her son has exhibited. and what he has done TO YOU.

you can't make it all one big happy family. there are a LOT of dynamics at play here that can't be therapeutically dissolved. your AH and his parents have a history that far precedes you.

it would be up to your AH to want to make any in-roads into a better relationship. with his own mother. you stated that you both moved there to encourage and develop a stronger bond with his parents. that is on HIM. as it turned out, he went off the rails and blew sh!t up big time.

keep our distance you are individuals. you don't have to present a united front. you are allowed to contact his mom and have a relationship with her SEPARATE from her relationship with her son. perhaps that is a better discussion with your therapist. how to approach YOUR mil as an individual, not a representative.

aliciagr

We are employing half the therapist in the building I think. I have one that I work with, and he has one that he works with. (I have been asked & have gone with him for joint sessions with his therapist also). And then we have a therapist that is neutral to these other two.. not the same qualifications in terms of addiction medicine but versed in also.. that does our family/couples therapy. THIS is the where I thought it might work best because one time it was mentioned at some point additional family might want to participate. And then we also go to a family therapy group session usually once a month where we meet other couples and its ran by the same Family therapist.

Im also considering asking if there is someone that I might see that could help me work through the 12 steps. Im not sure my therapist would do that but might set me up with someone. I am very curious but also uncertain about it, so its on my list for tomorrow.

We sound like we might as well move into a mental facility at this point.

aliciagr

Good point, there is a lot of stuff going on and I was focusing only on the way he, and I are handling his recovery.(I dont think she approves of my methods either). It felt like it might be a starting point just to bring in some understanding and let her know we are BOTH taking it seriously and are working on as many aspects as possible. She basically said last week its too risky for her to get close and to me it means she has set a boundary to keep her distance. Not really based on past history way back, but because she thinks hes not really in recovery, and I assume since I support him, she feels Im not in recovery either.

I do respect her choice and her views. No issue there. But I just thought if she could see we are both taking action and could get a different perspective. Maybe its stupid hopeful thinking on my part. I also will respect her feelings if she thinks its not her place to get involved or be part of discussion like this. I will just let it go then.

We moved here because of them primarily. They wanted us to come here and my husband was going to work closely with his dad. He really wanted to build a healthy adult relationship with them.

All gone now, and we are basically alone.

Seriously considering packing up and going home, but its not simple to do that exactly.

dandylion

Alicia.....hmm.....I seem to feel a lot of triangling going on here....or, potentially, so....
Alicia, you can't just pull strings to make this all into one big happy family...as much as you would like that...
The way I see it...if your husband would l ike to foster a better relationship with his mother....leave that responsibility up to him....
Your job is to deal with the relationship with your husband...
His job is to deal with his own recovery and to deal with the relationship with his own parents...
You are the wife...his partner...to walk beside him, but not to take him over...
It may work out, that, over time you can have a friendly relationship with her....or, it maybe not so much....that will unfold over time...
I feel, in you, the tendency to want to step in and "fix" everything.....
If your husband gets into real recovery...it will show to his mother, and those around him...eventually....

Try not to over think all of this.
Once you put the cake in the oven...give it a chance to bake...don't go stirring the batter every few minutes....

aliciagr

The cake is a good analogy. Very good.

I think I will take all of your advice, Even those who havent posted, I see where the thanks buttons end up. Today I guess I got sort of excited because as I was reading I really heard the same type of recovery speak my MIL uses, and I just got to thinking if we could share what we are doing, even though its different - maybe it would change things. But she knows we are both in therapy so that is enough. I think she would feel like most of you do, that she needs to stay out of it. AND if he stays the course of what he is doing maybe in time she will see recovery OR as many of you say it may be too early and he may relapse again and it would possibly crush her. She is protecting herself and I need to respect that.

Also, Im not sure of the drama it could cause, and I feel done with drama when I think about what happened last weekend.

I will just use the time tomorrow to work on the things for myself.

Oh, has anyone used a therapist to work on the 12 steps? Im not sure I want to do them, but I do want to ask about it tomorrow & see if there is possibility it could add something beneficial to what Im already working on in my regular sessions. Its to the point where I either need to go one way or another on the program because debating it is also causing me stress.

Thanks for your suggestions on my Mother in Law issue.

Ariesagain

As someone on both sides of the tracks, one of the hardest of life's lessons for me is knowing when to stop trying to force things to happen and just tend to my stuff and stop trying to manage everything for everyone.

I'm not a big slogan type, but for me, "more will be revealed" is really useful in these scenarios.

You have two priorities right now: your wellbeing and that of your child. Relentlessly analyzing and micromanaging your husband's recovery isn't your stuff and neither is his relationship with his parents.

More will be revealed as your husband makes progress over time...or does not.

In the meantime, enjoy your pregnancy. This should be a joyful time for you and you don't want to look back and wish you had experienced it more fully, right?

LexieCat

The Steps should really be worked with the guidance of someone who has worked them him/herself, with the help of a sponsor. A therapist who has not will not understand their meaning in the context of recovery. It's sort of like asking a non-physician for guidance about a surgical procedure. The non-physician may have read about it and understand the theory but won't have the essential knowledge and experience to properly advise you.

Though I think the Steps are helpful for just about anyone, I don't know that for a non-addict they are necessarily essential for recovery. They aren't essential for EVERY addict/alcoholic either, but there are some for whom nothing else works.

I could be way off base here, but are you sure you don't have this sense that you need to "try" them for the sake of deciding whether your husband needs them? As in, maybe your MIL is right? It seems to me your sudden "stress" about whether you need to work the Steps came about after your meeting with her when she got so upset with her son.

Actually, what concerns me the most about your husband is that he continues to drink, which I think is very dangerous for someone with a serious drug problem. That, to me, is a lot more worrisome than whether he tries therapy as opposed to AA. I've seen an awful lot of relapses due to addicts who think they can drink or alcoholics who think a little pot-smoking is OK. I'd also be concerned if his therapist isn't addressing his abuse of you. I hope he or she is.

aliciagr

Well Im really comfortable with my husbands recovery so thats not an issue. I havent really been stressing over him at all. Ive stressed more over analyzing recovery programs, and my MIL. And the thing is its not been an issue about MIL and her son. To me, Its about all of us.. About the relationship our two families have, and that they are going to be grandparents and I would like them to share in a lot of those joys. I hope his dad will at least participate because he is making an effort to connect with both of us, even though his focus is of course on his son and their relationship. (I mean its sad to me that our baby wont be hugged by his/her grandmother, but it will be her choice.

Maudcat

Hi, alicia. It will be her loss.
But..here's what I think, and I could be majorly off base.
When that baby is born, it will take a grandma far stronger than me not to rush right over, issues with her son's recovery notwithstanding.
Grandbabies are the best, and, btw, a total do-over.
Let's see what unfolds, shall we? Time will tell.

aliciagr

I dont know what will happen with his decision to drink now and then, Im just going to wait and see. I do know I never want to see such a mess of cans and bottles and that sickly smell in my house ever again. Ive never seen anything like the mess he had in the house when he was left there alone while actively using and drinking.

But I dont really get into how his therapist is handling either topic with him. I feel safe around him now.

Ok that makes sense about the step work I guess. See, dont know much about it and I find it all very curious. Probably doesnt help that its talked about so much here, or that I now recognize his mom using the same recovery concepts. Im naturally inquisitive and like to research things, but something says no.. and then something says but what if your missing something. And its my own questions and unanswered questions that are causing me stress. I think what really triggered me was the couple we met in our Family Therapy Group Session where they said they participated in those programs, and she invited me to attend a NA meeting with her since Id never been. And all the stuff she said to me about recovery work. I had it all sorted out and boxed up until then.

dandylion

Alicia.....don't worry about the grandparents seeing and hugging their grandchild....if they have an opportunity.....
Grandchildren work "magic".....and most any grandparent will go to great lengths to be near them...

Ladybird579

I think you MIL is coming from a place of having seen it all before and she sees nothing is any different this time. She doesn't share your optimism that her son will stay in recovery or treat you well as he has proved to not treat you well in the past....His recovery is only partial cos you say he is still drinking and go from it's not an issue to saying :-

. I do know I never want to see such a mess of cans and bottles and that sickly smell in my house ever again. Ive never seen anything like the mess he had in the house when he was left there alone while actively using and drinking.

Your MIL is entitled to her boundaries and her reservations about her own son's recovery. Also there are other forums were they do not use AA. Am not sure which offhand but a google search may find some and you may get more answers there.

hopeful4

One of the things you said in your post is that you don't think she approves of your methods. How long have you been together? Is it possible that she has been burned for a much longer time than you by his bad behaviors? It's possible she is just trying to protect herself, and has the right to do that.

That being said, I completely understand why you want a relationship with her, and for your child as well. Trust takes a LONG time to earn back, and sometimes you just cannot do it. I think I would definitely respect that for her.

I don't think it's a bad idea to offer for her to come, however, back off and don't try to force her in any way.

Just my two cents if it helps at all. Hugs.

dandylion

An observation---I remember, so clearly, from my own pregnancies.....
As the months go by....one's thoughts and attentions become more and more focused on one's main priority....the upcoming birth. The instincts of "nesting" kicks in....and, one wants to gather the family closer...
The appetite and drive to "run" the rest of the world turns to the enrichment of the nest and preparing for the most momentous biologic event of a woman's life.....

Alicia...this might, actually, work to your advantage....
To allow you to self focus and do self care....and, leave others and other "issues" to those that they belong to.....

aliciagr

Thanks everyone, your all very special people.

whats surreal is how did I go from a quiet, peaceful life to one that makes me work so hard, and analyze so much, and with as far as Ive come so much is still uncertain, and unresolved. I cant change some things, but somehow Ive got to quiet my mind and find peace in my thoughts. I can usually find my own answers but now its starting to feel normal to turn to someone that I pay to help me. Maybe I just never faced enough personal challenges in my life and its left me unprepared to deal with my own emotions. I wonder if you can ever go back to feeling like you did before crazy things started happening in your life. One problem is, its a little hard when you dont know for sure if it will strike again. As long as you still love and want the person who brought it into your life to still be in your life maybe just learning to tame your own mind and feelings is as good as it gets.