anon16

situation:
x (addict)
y & z (married couple w kids, "don't ask don't tell" policy on extramarital dalliances)

during a time period of unhealthy relationships with food, substances, and sex, X engages in a sporadic affair with Y (which draws to a close).
X subsequently goes through a program to get clean and improve X's dynamic with food and sex.
X begins working the steps.
X arrives at step 9.
Should X make amends to Z, disclosing the affair?

MicroMacro

I don't think anyone can tell another person what they should do in a situation like this.

But - X wouldn't be making an amends. X would be disclosing an affair. Sort of hard to say "Yo Z, I had an affair with Y. Sorry."

That's not going to go over.

X needs to look at the consequences that might arise from telling Z, because that's how Z will take it.

How will it affect their marriage?
How will it affect their children?

X feels guilty. Welcome to life unsaturated in substance use.

Sometimes we have to live with the discomfort that comes with realizing we did uncool sh!t in the past. It doesn't go away just because we've stopped using and it's not okay to try to alleviate our discomfort through the disguise of an amends. I think that if X discloses the affair to Z, X will just be creating more damage. It's not X's place. X and Z did not exchange vows.

Fly N Buy

Made direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

No, I don't have the right to unburden myself by divulging an affair to the spouse of another. Step 8 tells me I am willing - that has to be good enough at times.

fini

no.

Might consider making amends to y, though.

hellrzr

What does your sponsor think?

Berrybean

No.

I'd suggest reading the BB on amends. Even the abbreviated version if the step makes clear that we do not make the kind of amends that would harm others. I'd talk through with your sponsor what they suggest about making living amends on this one.

tomsteve

....except when to do so would injure them or others.
ya wanna play martyr?
are you happy with how many holes you have in your head at this time?

mfanch

I was "x" once.

My sponsor told me that *my* cross is not z's to bear. My amends to z was to leave y alone...a living amends. Moving forward I was to practice these principles in all my affairs (no pun intended....as I had no more affairs!!).

I would DEFINITELY process this with a sponsor before acting.

mfanch

Centered3

No.

If Z doesn't know about the affair, then X should not disclose the affair. Why? Because it'll harm Z.

We don't make amends if it will harm others.

The step to take here is a living amends: X changes his/her behavior by not having affairs anymore.

Centered3

I'm curious what others with more sponsoring experience think about this point? Would it be wise to make amends for X's role in the affair? I'd think it's best to leave it alone.

Centered3

Tomsteve brings up an excellent point. When I was making my list in Step 8 because of the temporary pink cloud I was on from Steps 5, 6, and 7, I wrote down a long list of names. To which my sponsor said to me something like "stop trying to be a saint". She saw I was still in ego and said that I didn't have to make amends for "every little thing".

I've heard it said by a circuit speaker that some people sort of skip over Steps 6 and 7, and their egos are too heavily involved in 8 and 9. Makes me wonder how many people are making amends for themselves and not for others.... Thankfully my sponsor caught me.

Personally I think the most important amends we make is to God but that's for another thread I guess.

Berrybean

Just living amends I reckon. By staying away from that persons husband or wife in the future, and practicing the principles of the program in future by not getting involved with people in relationships in the future.

paulokes

No.

If it ever gets discovered, be prepared to deal with the consequences in an entirely non-confrontational and conciliatory way.

Stay out of Y/Zs lives and other people's marriages.

I speak not from judgement but from experience...dealing with an affair (their marriage) was one of my amends.

P

fini

i suggested looking at that because the OP spoke about unhealthy relationships while addicted.
i therefore think possibly crappy and harmful stuff went on in the affair, hence my suggestion.

not saying it's wise...just something to look at.

48heath

NO!!

Step 9 says it" all,made direct amends to such people wherever posible,except when to do so would injure them or others."

What does your sponsor say? Have you got a sponsor with at least 5years continuous sobiety?

Tommyh

no