Step 9 query situation: x (addict) y & z (married couple w kids, "don't ask don't tell" policy on extramarital dalliances) during a time period of unhealthy relationships with food, substances, and sex, X engages in a sporadic affair with Y (which draws to a close). X subsequently goes through a program to get clean and improve X's dynamic with food and sex. X begins working the steps. X arrives at step 9. Should X make amends to Z, disclosing the affair? |
Originally Posted by anon16
(Post 6355932)
Should X make amends to Z, disclosing the affair? But - X wouldn't be making an amends. X would be disclosing an affair. Sort of hard to say "Yo Z, I had an affair with Y. Sorry." That's not going to go over. X needs to look at the consequences that might arise from telling Z, because that's how Z will take it. How will it affect their marriage? How will it affect their children? X feels guilty. Welcome to life unsaturated in substance use. Sometimes we have to live with the discomfort that comes with realizing we did uncool sh!t in the past. It doesn't go away just because we've stopped using and it's not okay to try to alleviate our discomfort through the disguise of an amends. I think that if X discloses the affair to Z, X will just be creating more damage. It's not X's place. X and Z did not exchange vows. |
Made direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. No, I don't have the right to unburden myself by divulging an affair to the spouse of another. Step 8 tells me I am willing - that has to be good enough at times. |
no. Might consider making amends to y, though. |
What does your sponsor think? |
No. I'd suggest reading the BB on amends. Even the abbreviated version if the step makes clear that we do not make the kind of amends that would harm others. I'd talk through with your sponsor what they suggest about making living amends on this one. |
....except when to do so would injure them or others. ya wanna play martyr? are you happy with how many holes you have in your head at this time? |
I was "x" once. My sponsor told me that *my* cross is not z's to bear. My amends to z was to leave y alone...a living amends. Moving forward I was to practice these principles in all my affairs (no pun intended....as I had no more affairs!!). I would DEFINITELY process this with a sponsor before acting. mfanch |
Originally Posted by anon16
(Post 6355932)
situation: x (addict) y & z (married couple w kids, "don't ask don't tell" policy on extramarital dalliances) during a time period of unhealthy relationships with food, substances, and sex, X engages in a sporadic affair with Y (which draws to a close). X subsequently goes through a program to get clean and improve X's dynamic with food and sex. X begins working the steps. X arrives at step 9. Should X make amends to Z, disclosing the affair? If Z doesn't know about the affair, then X should not disclose the affair. Why? Because it'll harm Z. We don't make amends if it will harm others. The step to take here is a living amends: X changes his/her behavior by not having affairs anymore. |
Originally Posted by fini
(Post 6356268)
no. Might consider making amends to y, though. |
Originally Posted by tomsteve
(Post 6356624)
....except when to do so would injure them or others. ya wanna play martyr? are you happy with how many holes you have in your head at this time? I've heard it said by a circuit speaker that some people sort of skip over Steps 6 and 7, and their egos are too heavily involved in 8 and 9. Makes me wonder how many people are making amends for themselves and not for others.... Thankfully my sponsor caught me. Personally I think the most important amends we make is to God but that's for another thread I guess. |
Originally Posted by Centered3
(Post 6356796)
I'm curious what others with more sponsoring experience think about this point? Would it be wise to make amends for X's role in the affair? I'd think it's best to leave it alone. |
No. If it ever gets discovered, be prepared to deal with the consequences in an entirely non-confrontational and conciliatory way. Stay out of Y/Zs lives and other people's marriages. I speak not from judgement but from experience...dealing with an affair (their marriage) was one of my amends. P |
Originally Posted by Centered3
(Post 6356796)
I'm curious what others with more sponsoring experience think about this point? Would it be wise to make amends for X's role in the affair? I'd think it's best to leave it alone. i therefore think possibly crappy and harmful stuff went on in the affair, hence my suggestion. not saying it's wise...just something to look at. |
NO!! Step 9 says it" all,made direct amends to such people wherever posible,except when to do so would injure them or others." What does your sponsor say? Have you got a sponsor with at least 5years continuous sobiety? |
no |
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