Shel

how do you tell them how you really feel WITHOUT hurting their feelings? I am talking about what irritates me ...without be totally explicite but would like him to get it. Like he can go 1 day without drinking but now tonight it will be "lets get some beer" or that he is not working and hasn't been for almost 4 months but calls me at work and says how much cleaning around the house he has done......BIG DEAL!!! is what I really want to say ..or "you should be cleaning cuz you don't do anything else" but I can't becasue I don't want to hurt his feelings...yet he can make me feel like poop and not care at all about the fact that waht he does tears me apart!!

any advice ...how do I put that aside and cherish the days that he is not drinking ????? instead of dreading the days that he is!

cwohio

shel - i'd like to hear some responses on that myself - good question!

ASpouse

I guess just the way you told us.

You are very angry, justifiably so. Usually it was at the point when I was so angry I couldn't see straight that I got strong and just said what I said.

Let me ask you this? Is his behavior hurting you? Do you think he cares that he is hurting you?

There is always a way to speak nicely without being mean and hurting someones feelings. My belief is if you tell the truth you won't hurt someones feelings. Keep it unemotional if possible and just state what bothers you.

Get to Al Anon and stop being the victim here. Take charge of your life and let him take charge of his ...... HIS LIFE is his responsibility, not yours.

Take care,

Judy

Shel

Point taken Judy and thanks for your response........bu tin my opinion it is not that cut and dried! most of the time the truth is what does hurt........I know what needs to happen as I have been thru this before ....it is just that it is hard to see the "other side" of things right now ........he will be starting home monitoring soon and I think things will be so much better as he was sober for 5 months at one point and know he can do it ......i see what it is doing to him but I don't think he does..sometimes I think he enjoys the pitty party;s he has for himself and to be honest it is easy for me to get wrapped up in them .........although I cannot stand it any longer....so I know what needs to be done just don't want WWIII coming out of it!!!

Peaches04

HI Shel, I know what you are talking about. I have had this problem for years and have decided it is part of the problem I have in being codependent. I am scared to say what I mean, and mean what I say - so I keep it all bottled up inside, and then one day explode. I think that is why my AH has gotten away with so much for so long. He has been through so many jobs and I always just sat by and bought into his BS, instead of just saying..."look, get a job or get the hell out". Oh, how I wish I would have said that 5 years and 2 kids ago! I'm still no good at it. So, I'm curious to see people's posts back, as well. I think it's part of the territory of not knowing how a healthy way to communicate (for me anyways). Thanks for the post!

vike

I too, am waiting to read all the responses. I think most of the time that i'm not good at making decisions, but i think i know what i want to do and what i should do i just don't know how to hurt someone's feelings to get what i want, if that's what needs to happen. As far as asking if the situation is hurting you, i think that is a real good indicator. But i also think that you have to honest with yourself. For example, 1 month ago my BF had a relapse, drunk for days, and then checked himself into rehab. I promised myself i would never be there again, (that was 3 years ago, 3 rehab visits ago). Anyway i've asked myself--is this hurting me? I came up with the answer the first time of i didn think i was being hurt, i ignored the panic in my stomach, my heart beating so fast at times i thought it was coming out of my chest, my concentration not what i need it to be. My muscles in my shoulders cramping up, and breaking out in hives. Ask me again--did it hurt me????? Hell yes. Now i have to decide how to tell him that it hurt me too much this time and i don't think i'm going to recover and i think that i've had enough----I can only do the "no it hurt him more than me" thing for so long. I don't think i can continue, i don't know how to be supportive in his "recovery" this time. I don't know how to be physically resonsive to him, if i let him touch me i know i'll let him into my heart again and he will break it again. I don't know how to relight "our" dreams, If i take things one day at a time does that mean i cannot dream of a future--that's all i see now. He won't understand, he's trying not to drink, he really is, he goes to "on=line" meetings 3-4 nights a week, (won't ask for a ride so can't go in person) He's on revia (a drug to suppress his alcohol appetite)--i just wait and see if it will help--he's gone for up to a year without drinking and then starts and won't stop until he's almost dead. I don't know how to tell him. I want to give my heart (my entire heart) to someone i won't have to compete with alcohol. Sorry this got long winded. I'm angry too, i left a 20 year marriage because of alcohol, i am tired of dealing with alcohol as an issue--i just don't think i have any more left.

minnie

He is acting like a child. Maybe because you are being his parent. If you treat him as an adult, you may get a better reaction.

I've loads more to say on this, but it's almost midnight here, so i'm going to have to save it till the morning.

Night night

Love

Minnie
xx

osier59

I think you can talk about it in a straightforward manner... It's not about personalities or power or prestige - it's about getting things done around the house! It took me awhile before I realized that I was very organized and together in my work environment, but my household was going to Heck in a handbasket. I sat down with the family and we talked about what was fair and reasonable for each person to contribute - time, energy, talent etc. I honestly believe you can do that with your spouse or significant other. If there is a huge EGO involved, promise that you won't tell your friends OR his that he's doing something as mundane as cleaning the bathroom.

As for his sobriety, THAT is his business. His program, His steps and His meetings - those are all about HIM and not about YOU. He will do it or he won't ... so the best thing you can do is get a program of your own. Then you get to where you are so busy working on your own stuff that you start to lose interest in his... and it takes away the power that his behavior has on you.

Good luck, there are lots of others who will be by with their ideas.

Barb

Karivan

Isn't it funny how we do all the work, errands, chores, cleaning up messes without a word of gratitude, then when they do one thing... we have to sing the Halleluiah Chorus! Hey Honey!!! Look what I did. I washed a dish all by myself!!!

My A decided when we moved to Colorado that he had worked long enough and needed a break. We had paid off our bills with the sale of our house so I thought it would be nice to come home to a clean house and dinner for a change. Wrongggg.... I came home to a drunk husband that didn't know how to cook water and was proud of himself for taking out the trash. I gave him the talk... I am working full time... I'm not coming home and cooking or cleaning.. you are going to learn to cook. So I gave him cooking lessons. He's an ok cook now but I would still rather eat out. Anyway, he stayed home and drunk for 10 months until I threw a royal fit, kicked him out, and welll... you know the rest.

I GAVE HIM ONE MORE CHANCE!!!

bahookie

Thanks for this post!

I also have worries about this - the good times seem so fragile that I don't want to do anything to threaten them. I keep things festering inside because I'm afraid of the consequences of letting them out.

I can put things forward in an unemotional way, sometimes I can get straight to the point about exactly what it is that's bothering me; probably because I've had such a long time to think it through!

But really, when it comes down to it, I have no control over the reaction I'm going to get and that's what frightens me. I don't have the confidence to stand up and say, "this is what I think and it matters". I think that's where the fear of confrontation stems from.

Trouble is, how do you get that?!

Thanks again for the post, it made me think. I hope you find the courage to do what you feel you have to do.

Jane

Magichappens

Avoiding hurting people's feelings kept me down for a long time. What I have found is that taking care of me hurts some people's feelings. I had to decide who's feelings were more important to me, mine or theirs. It isn't my intention to hurt others, but when it comes down to who is going to get taken care of, I pick me today.

I can't make people "get" me. I can't control what others think or how they are going to react. I can only try to be true to myself and be the best me I can be. How others take that is up to them. Trying to make everybody ok is what got me where I was when I was falling apart. Today I let people take responsibility for their own thoughts and actions. If they are unhappy with me, and I am doing what I need to do, they have to deal with it.

I had to find people who liked the true me. Not the one who fixed everybody and tried to make everyone happy. I found those people in Al-Anon. They like me and support me. They know what I am trying to do. They "get" me. I need people who understand. I know that most of my family isn't capable of that, and I have to stop expecting and demanding that of them. I might as well be beating my head against a wall as trying to make them understand. Hugs, Magic