Sometimes I wonder about my choices ...
The best way out is through -- Robert Frost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: This miraculous world!
Posts: 68
Sometimes I wonder about my choices ...
Sometimes I wonder if I am making things harder for myself or if I am being realistic about my life. I am less than a month into sobriety and hang out with my alcoholic husband while he drinks beers -- he is my best friend and we love to unwind and laugh together; my dearest friends are also alcoholics! I now go hiking and kayaking with one of them (alcohol-free) every week and she has stocked her house with non-alcoholic alternatives specifically catering to my taste (
-- that lady spoils me, I tell ya). My other friend has told me that he just wants me to be happy and healthy and comfortable, whether that means changing our activities or environment. Wow! I definitely know how blessed I am. I also cook regularly with alcohol because I love the flavour and complexity ... and because I still have a couple of boxes of wine left over from my drinking days! 
Okay, so how is this hard? Not due to lack of support, as evidenced above, but to temptation. Normally, it is not a problem, but today, when I poured white wine into my saute pan, it was. When my husband and our friends shared wine at our weekly dinner, there was a twinge.
I want to jump in and continue with my support network and cooking as before! I do not want to hide away nor do I want to hurt myself. Is it okay to have twinges -- they are fleeting thus far and, when I remember the taste, actually do not feel like having that in my mouth. That is how fleeting the twinge is. I am unaccustomed to twinges, as I am new to sobriety. I am used to glossing over twinges by drinking! I intellectually understand sitting with discomfort. But, am I creating an unsafe environment? Or are twinges just part of this process? I feel strong and sure about my sobriety. I have actually lost count of the days and it just feels natural 99.9% of the time.
-- that lady spoils me, I tell ya). My other friend has told me that he just wants me to be happy and healthy and comfortable, whether that means changing our activities or environment. Wow! I definitely know how blessed I am. I also cook regularly with alcohol because I love the flavour and complexity ... and because I still have a couple of boxes of wine left over from my drinking days! Okay, so how is this hard? Not due to lack of support, as evidenced above, but to temptation. Normally, it is not a problem, but today, when I poured white wine into my saute pan, it was. When my husband and our friends shared wine at our weekly dinner, there was a twinge.
I want to jump in and continue with my support network and cooking as before! I do not want to hide away nor do I want to hurt myself. Is it okay to have twinges -- they are fleeting thus far and, when I remember the taste, actually do not feel like having that in my mouth. That is how fleeting the twinge is. I am unaccustomed to twinges, as I am new to sobriety. I am used to glossing over twinges by drinking! I intellectually understand sitting with discomfort. But, am I creating an unsafe environment? Or are twinges just part of this process? I feel strong and sure about my sobriety. I have actually lost count of the days and it just feels natural 99.9% of the time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
Have you accepted that you are never going to have a drink again? If you have maybe it is okay for you to be around it and it doesn't bother you.
If you haven't sit that in stone yet I think you may be setting yourself up for a fall in a weak moment.
It can be easy for the first few months because all the reasons you quit are so fresh in your mind....then later on you can start to think you can handle a drink or two.
If you haven't sit that in stone yet I think you may be setting yourself up for a fall in a weak moment.
It can be easy for the first few months because all the reasons you quit are so fresh in your mind....then later on you can start to think you can handle a drink or two.
The best way out is through -- Robert Frost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: This miraculous world!
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by Midwest1981 
It can be easy for the first few months because all the reasons you quit are so fresh in your mind....then later on you can start to think you can handle a drink or two.However, to answer your initial question: oh, yes, I have definitely accepted that I am not going to drink alcohol again. I can't even handle a sip, let alone a drink -- nor do I want it! I describe myself as a non-drinker and immediately clarify when people think I am "taking a break" or abstaining because I am under the weather. I love and embrace the clarity, the heightened senses. I really love being able to hike and kayak with my friend (I honestly do not know how she does it, given her drinking and smoking, but more power to her!). And, I prefer my concoctions because they heal and nourish my body and do not dehydrate me. I have bipolar disorder, and the world has become a beautiful, light-saturated place again after almost 24 years of darkness! I love love love being a nondrinker.
Hmmm ... I guess I am more concerned about this experience being a deception because alcohol has been my safety net and it was my false prophet. Is it possible to feel this good forever? Or is this just a honeymoon phase? I know I can't control everything, but I am so scared that one day, I am going to wake up and for some reason (or no reason) no longer want sobriety. Is alcohol always going to be a shadow in my life?
I am not making a lot of sense here ... I am worrying about something that MIGHT happen ... I appreciate your time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Well, I had to change my life cos my old life was drink sodden - everything revolved around drinking.
I have read here of people who changed nothing but just not drinking - and more power to them - I think that must take a Herculean effort tho.
It took a little while for the insanity of addiction to leave me - had I been around temptations in that period I might have continued to make some poor choices...
I'm glad I built up some sober muscles before I threw myself back into the real world.
D
I have read here of people who changed nothing but just not drinking - and more power to them - I think that must take a Herculean effort tho.
It took a little while for the insanity of addiction to leave me - had I been around temptations in that period I might have continued to make some poor choices...
I'm glad I built up some sober muscles before I threw myself back into the real world.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Wenriver,
I haven't been sober all that long(over seven months). I do "think" about drinking still but it's not that often and I wouldn't call it cravings anymore.
I do worry about things that haven't happened yet for fear I will be caught off guard and something severe enough could jeopardize my sobriety.
I like it though it all part of my plan to stay sober😊
I haven't been sober all that long(over seven months). I do "think" about drinking still but it's not that often and I wouldn't call it cravings anymore.
I do worry about things that haven't happened yet for fear I will be caught off guard and something severe enough could jeopardize my sobriety.
I like it though it all part of my plan to stay sober😊
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I was just thinking how unusual your friends are, for alcoholics. Typically, your getting sober would be a threat to their drinking. You would be making them look bad. The usual reaction of an alcoholic is to try and pull the sober person back down to their level, so they don't have to look at them selves. To show such understanding and support is very unacloholic.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Wen, you are making perfect sense. Many people experience the pink cloud period and then are surprised when it ends, because it will. Something will come along that is unexpected and will shake you. Those are the days you need to be prepared for, so making a plan is a good idea. What has worked for me is to never have alcohol in the house, ever. And, it took me about 10 months before I felt comfortable enough to be around people who were drinking.
Alcohol doesn't cook off during cooking. This topic comes up regularly so I have the info handy:
In terms of preparation methods and times, their results were as follows (all of these assume the temperature is above 173° F, which is the boiling point of alcohol; also, the size of dish and contents of the food mixture affect the results, so this is just a general guideline):
The highest rates of retention were with alcohol added to boiling liquid and then shortly after removed from heat. In this case, the alcohol retention rate was around 85%.
The second highest alcohol retention rate came when using the flaming method of cooking, which resulted in around a 75% retention level.
When using no heat and storing overnight, about 70% of the alcohol was retained.
When baked for 25 minutes with the mixture not being stirred, the retention rate was 45%.
When baked/simmered where the mixture is stirred, produced the following results:
15 minutes 40%
30 minutes 35%
1 hour 25%
1.5 hours 20%
2 hours 10%
2.5 hours 5%
Alcohol doesn't cook off during cooking. This topic comes up regularly so I have the info handy:
In terms of preparation methods and times, their results were as follows (all of these assume the temperature is above 173° F, which is the boiling point of alcohol; also, the size of dish and contents of the food mixture affect the results, so this is just a general guideline):
The highest rates of retention were with alcohol added to boiling liquid and then shortly after removed from heat. In this case, the alcohol retention rate was around 85%.
The second highest alcohol retention rate came when using the flaming method of cooking, which resulted in around a 75% retention level.
When using no heat and storing overnight, about 70% of the alcohol was retained.
When baked for 25 minutes with the mixture not being stirred, the retention rate was 45%.
When baked/simmered where the mixture is stirred, produced the following results:
15 minutes 40%
30 minutes 35%
1 hour 25%
1.5 hours 20%
2 hours 10%
2.5 hours 5%
The best way out is through -- Robert Frost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: This miraculous world!
Posts: 68
I am very grateful that you are willing to share your personal stories with being around alcohol while in recovery. I know we are all different but I think there is wisdom in your experiences, whether you are a few months sober or a few decades. I, newer to the journey, feel very fortunate to be exposed to that wisdom! Thank you, SR!
Mike, I am so very very blessed to have the friends I do. We all want the best for each other and our friendship is true. I only have two or three plus my husband, but I do not need more. Aside from you all, of course!
Mike, I am so very very blessed to have the friends I do. We all want the best for each other and our friendship is true. I only have two or three plus my husband, but I do not need more. Aside from you all, of course!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by WenRiver
I want to jump in and continue with my support network and cooking as before! I do not want to hide away nor do I want to hurt myself. Is it okay to have twinges...
My recovery was about change. Change in how I lived my life, change in how I dealt with life sober. Changes to what I did and who I hung out with. Change from drinker to non drinker. So yes, in the beginning I hide from alcohol, from situations that were alcohol and drinking centric. In AA terms, I changed my people, places and things.
I had to change my cooking habits too. None of the spicy stuff I loved to wash down with beer. And no cooking with alcohol.
Once I got a good foundation of sobriety, I could do the things I was cautious about doing in early sobriety: Parties, cookouts, concerts, and so forth. Others things just dropped off completely. I don't meet co-workers after work at bars. And I don't cook with alcohol. Because I don't drink and alcohol won't pass my lips.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Personally, I found that I needed to close the door on my addiction days and open a new door to a brand new life. I changed my phone number, one day just disappeared and never said good bye, I have new friends a knew career, I got married and we have a home. 2 years ago I woke up and have never looked back. I know that I could not keep friends that were heroin addicts because I knew I couldn't be around people using heroin. You are the only one that knows how strong your recovery is, since you are so close to your friends it shouldn't be hard to ask them not to drink at your table right?
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I'm a hardliner here and do understand that with your husband it is different than with friends. My boyfriend is in recovery too so I don't have the issue of being around the one I love who drinks.
Re keeping alcohol in the house- a no go for me, ever. Since I quit- and I will have one year on Feb 22- that was a given. I also do not consume any foods with alcohol, to the best of my ability - I learned after a couple of surprises where I was served a dish I questioned that FOR ME this is a no go so I ask questions about food I have researched on the place's menu prior to the meal.
If in doubt, I don't eat the thing in question.
I don't spend time with people who drink, other than a friend or two who might have one drink with dinner.
I work in a restaurant as a server and am completely ok being around alcohol at work.
I am an avid AA er and for me, the "problem has been removed" and I work hard, daily, to maintain my fit spiritual condition and acceptance of my alcoholism and everything else.
Early on, I was very sheltered by choice and necessity (I was VERY sick when I quit so I was really just coming back to life) and now, I use my freedom to choose what, when, where and with whom I do anything to only do things that support my sobriety.
Last thought- your OP title and some of your comments are worrisome to me. Like Dee said, a lot of alcoholics try to do everything just like they did before, only without drinking. As someone else said, you are giving your AV a whole lot of room to play with, just one reason being your habits and practices (what you do socially and the cooking). Also, I am not sure how your husband feels about his role in your sobriety, or whether you two are on the same page about how best to support it.
Good luck.
Re keeping alcohol in the house- a no go for me, ever. Since I quit- and I will have one year on Feb 22- that was a given. I also do not consume any foods with alcohol, to the best of my ability - I learned after a couple of surprises where I was served a dish I questioned that FOR ME this is a no go so I ask questions about food I have researched on the place's menu prior to the meal.
If in doubt, I don't eat the thing in question.
I don't spend time with people who drink, other than a friend or two who might have one drink with dinner.
I work in a restaurant as a server and am completely ok being around alcohol at work.
I am an avid AA er and for me, the "problem has been removed" and I work hard, daily, to maintain my fit spiritual condition and acceptance of my alcoholism and everything else.
Early on, I was very sheltered by choice and necessity (I was VERY sick when I quit so I was really just coming back to life) and now, I use my freedom to choose what, when, where and with whom I do anything to only do things that support my sobriety.
Last thought- your OP title and some of your comments are worrisome to me. Like Dee said, a lot of alcoholics try to do everything just like they did before, only without drinking. As someone else said, you are giving your AV a whole lot of room to play with, just one reason being your habits and practices (what you do socially and the cooking). Also, I am not sure how your husband feels about his role in your sobriety, or whether you two are on the same page about how best to support it.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by WenRiver
I am less than a month into sobriety and hang out with my alcoholic husband while he drinks beers
one of them (alcohol-free) every week and she has stocked her house with non-alcoholic alternatives
I also cook regularly with alcohol
I still have a couple of boxes of wine left over
am I creating an unsafe environment?
Once I was sober for close to 3 years and started drinking a lot of non alcoholic beverages. Not sure when it happened but, one day I noticed that the label said 100% real thing Bud.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
It sounds like you are doing well. I would though make a plan for when a twinge turns into a full blown craving and be prepared for that. If it never happens then keep going as you are, but if it does, you will have something you can rely on to not only get you through, but also to realize at that time you may need to change a few more things in your life. So, I guess my suggestion is to make a plan for when/if you get a stronger craving and have it ready and be prepared to implement it.
Why do you imagine your kyaking friend is able to do these activities with you without drinking ? You sounds surprised yet you are doing the same thing. Just curious what you thought about that.
Glad you are here
Why do you imagine your kyaking friend is able to do these activities with you without drinking ? You sounds surprised yet you are doing the same thing. Just curious what you thought about that.
Glad you are here
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
About the cooking with wine, I have to admit I don't really get why you would do that. I cook professionally, so I understand the use of alcohol in dressings, etc. But once you introduce heat to it, the flavor addition is really so minimal (with things like boxed wine anyway). And like someone else mentioned alcohol doesn't "cook off" like so many claim. So why bother?
I'd pitch the leftover boxed wine and not ever buy more.
I'm very new to this sobriety thing (day 12) and I think I'd err on the side of caution.
I'd pitch the leftover boxed wine and not ever buy more.
I'm very new to this sobriety thing (day 12) and I think I'd err on the side of caution.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
You have to remember that once you realize alcohol is a problem for you, not everyone who drinks is a problem drinker. Most of my friends who have one beer or one glass of wine are not problem drinkers. I cannot have just one. No point in that for me.
Do not confuse your friends with alcoholic behaviour just because they drink. I think the regular drinkers are just that, regular. We are not regular here on this board. It looks tempting to have a regular life, but we have passed that point and can never be regular. I would stop having alcohol in the house.
Do not confuse your friends with alcoholic behaviour just because they drink. I think the regular drinkers are just that, regular. We are not regular here on this board. It looks tempting to have a regular life, but we have passed that point and can never be regular. I would stop having alcohol in the house.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Your sobriety is important to you. And I don't know all the reasons you decided that you needed to quit, but you know what they are and you haven't lost sight of them.
But if your sobriety is important to you and you think you might be tempted to drink because of your proximity to alcohol and drinkers, then you need to figure out how to set firm boundaries. Can you set them and keep them while keeping those people in your life?
I love that you have a support network in them, but I would urge you to try to add sober friends to your support network.
When you do get weak and feel like you want to give up and drink, your alcoholic friends are going to be supportive of that, because they understand that. Sober folks are going to help you make the decision to stay sober.
As for the cooking, use stock or experiment flavors you don't normally cook with, and you won't even miss the wine.. The other night I made a sauce with coconut milk, tomato paste and herbs and spices, and it tasted amazing.
But if your sobriety is important to you and you think you might be tempted to drink because of your proximity to alcohol and drinkers, then you need to figure out how to set firm boundaries. Can you set them and keep them while keeping those people in your life?
I love that you have a support network in them, but I would urge you to try to add sober friends to your support network.
When you do get weak and feel like you want to give up and drink, your alcoholic friends are going to be supportive of that, because they understand that. Sober folks are going to help you make the decision to stay sober.
As for the cooking, use stock or experiment flavors you don't normally cook with, and you won't even miss the wine.. The other night I made a sauce with coconut milk, tomato paste and herbs and spices, and it tasted amazing.
The best way out is through -- Robert Frost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: This miraculous world!
Posts: 68
Greetings and Salutations, everyone! Wow! So many caring, thoughtful, detailed, and honest responses. I have much gratitude for each of you and the time and care you put into my post. You are a HUGE part of my support network and I thank you for that. 
I am pretty new to this forum thing and realize that it would have made sense for me to give you a little background and to be a little clearer about my situation. I apologize if I was incomplete or too vague.
I have bipolar disorder and alcohol severely interfered with my self-care. After many attempts over the years to quit and white-knuckle it (just an awful feeling), I spent the last 4 months practicing mindfulness and meditation (this is going to be a lifelong practice -- LOVE IT!) to help recover from narcissistic abuse, experimenting with sobriety throughout. About a month ago, I was suddenly tired of micromanaging my alcohol -- it was as exhausting as managing my (now ex-) narcissistic relationship -- and stopped, like snapping my fingers. I have never felt better and do not look back with any longing toward those dark times. This whole thread is my attempt to figure out if my 30+ year long management of bipolar disorder has prepared me for this or if I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Argh ... limbo.
I am going to address your questions and concerns in this reply by using your names and quotes. While I would normally not do this in a single post, there are many common questions and concerns and I think this makes the most sense. If you do not want to read the entire message, feel free to find your name in bold and just read that section! And thank you in advance.
Anna: Wen, you are making perfect sense. Many people experience the pink cloud period and then are surprised when it ends, because it will. Something will come along that is unexpected and will shake you. Those are the days you need to be prepared for, so making a plan is a good idea. First of all, if I am making perfect sense then we are ALL in trouble! Second of all, I love the phrase "pink cloud" ... sounds as dreamy as I feel right now. Third of all, yes to plans! I have a preventative plan in place -- cherry and chocolate bitters (non-alcoholic!) for dinners out (to add to sodas or coffees); 3 journals, including one for alcohol/smoking cessation in which I write daily mantras and reflections; and new evening rituals that involve my savoury, nourishing, hydrating elixirs and a rooibos nightcap. Thank you for alerting me to creating an emergency plan for when I am triggered. I am going to have to think about this and any and all suggestions are welcome!
doggonecarl: My recovery was about change. Change in how I lived my life, change in how I dealt with life sober. Changes to what I did and who I hung out with. Change from drinker to non drinker. Absolutely! My recovery, as well, is about transforming my life. Abstaining from alcohol is just one part of it. Since I began my practice, I have left an abusive friendship/supervisor, found a new job, returned to writing and the outdoors, organized my living space, and have resumed my exercise routine. While I haven't changed who I hang out with, we have changed what we do -- movies, game night, restaurants, and hiking/kayaking. Congratulations on transforming your life and for recognizing your boundaries!
AdelineRose: You are the only one that knows how strong your recovery is, since you are so close to your friends it shouldn't be hard to ask them not to drink at your table right? You are totally correct -- it would not be difficult for me to ask my friends to abstain when they are at my table. The two reasons I refrain from doing so are 1). I strongly believe this journey belongs to me and their journeys belong to them. I look to them for emotional support and they give it to me as I need it. 2). They would abstain if asked, but it would be difficult for them which, in turn, would make me anxious, which would likely result in a triggering situation.
August: your OP title and some of your comments are worrisome to me. Like Dee said, a lot of alcoholics try to do everything just like they did before, only without drinking. As someone else said, you are giving your AV a whole lot of room to play with, just one reason being your habits and practices (what you do socially and the cooking). I must thank you for your care and worry. That means a great deal to me during this sometimes lonely time. Please see my response to doggonecarl about attempting to do the same activities but soberly. What you stated about my AV having room to speak is true -- she isn't speaking now, but she may. And that, it seems, is a legitimate concern and one I am going to consider. I am very excited for your one year anniversary!
MountainBob: Once I was sober for close to 3 years and started drinking a lot of non alcoholic beverages. Not sure when it happened but, one day I noticed that the label said 100% real thing Bud. I am so sorry that this happened and really appreciate that you shared your experience with me (and everyone else). I actually told my husband last night that while I love my stemware and highballs and my bitter, briny concoctions, I will never be able to drink non-alcoholic beer (or wine because ... ew) out of fear that it would be a trigger. The taste is just too close for me. I am actively fearful of this and clarify with my friends before I socialize at their houses (I typically bring my own drinks).
Marie: So, I guess my suggestion is to make a plan for when/if you get a stronger craving and have it ready and be prepared to implement it.
Why do you imagine your kyaking friend is able to do these activities with you without drinking ? You sounds surprised yet you are doing the same thing. Just curious what you thought about that.
Glad you are here 1). Please refer to my reply to Anna about preventative vs curative planning. I have the former in place but am now going to work on the latter, thanks to your suggestions. I never even thought about it, though I spend so much time worrying about it happening! Oi. 2). My friend is tough and a contender; even though she is a heavy drinker and smoker and debilitatingly arthritic, she powers through our hiking and kayaking adventures! When I was drinking, I could not accomplish a fraction of what she accomplishes every single day. That is why she surprises me and makes my heart overflow with love for her. 3). I am glad to be here and to know you!!!
Milly: I cook professionally, so I understand the use of alcohol in dressings, etc. ... like someone else mentioned alcohol doesn't "cook off" like so many claim.
I'm very new to this sobriety thing (day 12) and I think I'd err on the side of caution. Wow! You are a professional cook?! I am seriously starry-eyed ... cooking is my salve, my creative process, how I spend HOURS each night, instead of drinking (I always loved cooking, but I am a mad scientist in the kitchen now!). Here is an example of when I should have been clearer: I am a vegetarian who prefers fresh, simple meals. My husband is a non-vegetarian who loves saucy, stewy dishes, such as coq au vin, baeckeoffe, or boeuf bourguignon. My concern is not the consumption of alcohol, it is the temptation of it while cooking. It used to be a cup for husband's dinner, a glass or three (or six!) for wife. So far, it has been okay, but the worry of "one day" exists in the back of my mind. Congratulations on your new and exciting journey of sobriety!
HTown: You have to remember that once you realize alcohol is a problem for you, not everyone who drinks is a problem drinker. Most of my friends who have one beer or one glass of wine are not problem drinkers...
Do not confuse your friends with alcoholic behaviour just because they drink. Please know that I do not diagnose or label people cavalierly. My friends are self-proclaimed alcoholics who struggle with their addiction every single day. They are not able to stop at one or two glasses and are very conscious of this. And, just as they support me, I support them without judgement or unsolicited suggestions. And, you are absolutely right that we are not regular drinkers and never will be. I appreciate that reminder because I never want to have thoughts creeping in that suggest otherwise. Sometimes it's okay to always say never.
Brenda: I love that you have a support network in them, but I would urge you to try to add sober friends to your support network.
As for the cooking, use stock or experiment flavors you don't normally cook with, and you won't even miss the wine.. The other night I made a sauce with coconut milk, tomato paste and herbs and spices, and it tasted amazing. Thank you for your support of my support network!!! They are amazing humans. And, I am going to follow your suggestion about adding sober friends. I have movie plans with two of them for next weekend (oh my goodness, it has been years since I went to the movies and LOVE a cherry coke and popcorn!) and dinner with some friends (pizza!!!) in a couple of weeks! Now I don't have to worry about the driving situation so can go to places that aren't walking or cabbing distance, too! Your coconut milk sauce sounds divine (I love how velvety coconut milk is!). What was it a sauce for?
Well, this was quite a lengthy response. I appreciate if you read any or all of it. If I sounded defensive or dismissive, that is not my intent or feeling. Believe me, I am feeling chock-full of gratitude and support and strength and inspiration because of ALL OF YOU, which is a great way to feel during this, the beginning of a weekend, which can be quite challenging. Thank you again and I hope to see you on here again. Have a beautiful weekend!!!
I am pretty new to this forum thing and realize that it would have made sense for me to give you a little background and to be a little clearer about my situation. I apologize if I was incomplete or too vague.
I have bipolar disorder and alcohol severely interfered with my self-care. After many attempts over the years to quit and white-knuckle it (just an awful feeling), I spent the last 4 months practicing mindfulness and meditation (this is going to be a lifelong practice -- LOVE IT!) to help recover from narcissistic abuse, experimenting with sobriety throughout. About a month ago, I was suddenly tired of micromanaging my alcohol -- it was as exhausting as managing my (now ex-) narcissistic relationship -- and stopped, like snapping my fingers. I have never felt better and do not look back with any longing toward those dark times. This whole thread is my attempt to figure out if my 30+ year long management of bipolar disorder has prepared me for this or if I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Argh ... limbo.
I am going to address your questions and concerns in this reply by using your names and quotes. While I would normally not do this in a single post, there are many common questions and concerns and I think this makes the most sense. If you do not want to read the entire message, feel free to find your name in bold and just read that section! And thank you in advance.
Anna: Wen, you are making perfect sense. Many people experience the pink cloud period and then are surprised when it ends, because it will. Something will come along that is unexpected and will shake you. Those are the days you need to be prepared for, so making a plan is a good idea. First of all, if I am making perfect sense then we are ALL in trouble!
Second of all, I love the phrase "pink cloud" ... sounds as dreamy as I feel right now. Third of all, yes to plans! I have a preventative plan in place -- cherry and chocolate bitters (non-alcoholic!) for dinners out (to add to sodas or coffees); 3 journals, including one for alcohol/smoking cessation in which I write daily mantras and reflections; and new evening rituals that involve my savoury, nourishing, hydrating elixirs and a rooibos nightcap. Thank you for alerting me to creating an emergency plan for when I am triggered. I am going to have to think about this and any and all suggestions are welcome! doggonecarl: My recovery was about change. Change in how I lived my life, change in how I dealt with life sober. Changes to what I did and who I hung out with. Change from drinker to non drinker. Absolutely! My recovery, as well, is about transforming my life. Abstaining from alcohol is just one part of it. Since I began my practice, I have left an abusive friendship/supervisor, found a new job, returned to writing and the outdoors, organized my living space, and have resumed my exercise routine. While I haven't changed who I hang out with, we have changed what we do -- movies, game night, restaurants, and hiking/kayaking. Congratulations on transforming your life and for recognizing your boundaries!
AdelineRose: You are the only one that knows how strong your recovery is, since you are so close to your friends it shouldn't be hard to ask them not to drink at your table right? You are totally correct -- it would not be difficult for me to ask my friends to abstain when they are at my table. The two reasons I refrain from doing so are 1). I strongly believe this journey belongs to me and their journeys belong to them. I look to them for emotional support and they give it to me as I need it. 2). They would abstain if asked, but it would be difficult for them which, in turn, would make me anxious, which would likely result in a triggering situation.
August: your OP title and some of your comments are worrisome to me. Like Dee said, a lot of alcoholics try to do everything just like they did before, only without drinking. As someone else said, you are giving your AV a whole lot of room to play with, just one reason being your habits and practices (what you do socially and the cooking). I must thank you for your care and worry. That means a great deal to me during this sometimes lonely time. Please see my response to doggonecarl about attempting to do the same activities but soberly. What you stated about my AV having room to speak is true -- she isn't speaking now, but she may. And that, it seems, is a legitimate concern and one I am going to consider. I am very excited for your one year anniversary!
MountainBob: Once I was sober for close to 3 years and started drinking a lot of non alcoholic beverages. Not sure when it happened but, one day I noticed that the label said 100% real thing Bud. I am so sorry that this happened and really appreciate that you shared your experience with me (and everyone else). I actually told my husband last night that while I love my stemware and highballs and my bitter, briny concoctions, I will never be able to drink non-alcoholic beer (or wine because ... ew) out of fear that it would be a trigger. The taste is just too close for me. I am actively fearful of this and clarify with my friends before I socialize at their houses (I typically bring my own drinks).
Marie: So, I guess my suggestion is to make a plan for when/if you get a stronger craving and have it ready and be prepared to implement it.
Why do you imagine your kyaking friend is able to do these activities with you without drinking ? You sounds surprised yet you are doing the same thing. Just curious what you thought about that.
Glad you are here 1). Please refer to my reply to Anna about preventative vs curative planning. I have the former in place but am now going to work on the latter, thanks to your suggestions. I never even thought about it, though I spend so much time worrying about it happening! Oi. 2). My friend is tough and a contender; even though she is a heavy drinker and smoker and debilitatingly arthritic, she powers through our hiking and kayaking adventures! When I was drinking, I could not accomplish a fraction of what she accomplishes every single day. That is why she surprises me and makes my heart overflow with love for her. 3). I am glad to be here and to know you!!!
Milly: I cook professionally, so I understand the use of alcohol in dressings, etc. ... like someone else mentioned alcohol doesn't "cook off" like so many claim.
I'm very new to this sobriety thing (day 12) and I think I'd err on the side of caution. Wow! You are a professional cook?! I am seriously starry-eyed ... cooking is my salve, my creative process, how I spend HOURS each night, instead of drinking (I always loved cooking, but I am a mad scientist in the kitchen now!). Here is an example of when I should have been clearer: I am a vegetarian who prefers fresh, simple meals. My husband is a non-vegetarian who loves saucy, stewy dishes, such as coq au vin, baeckeoffe, or boeuf bourguignon. My concern is not the consumption of alcohol, it is the temptation of it while cooking. It used to be a cup for husband's dinner, a glass or three (or six!) for wife. So far, it has been okay, but the worry of "one day" exists in the back of my mind. Congratulations on your new and exciting journey of sobriety!
HTown: You have to remember that once you realize alcohol is a problem for you, not everyone who drinks is a problem drinker. Most of my friends who have one beer or one glass of wine are not problem drinkers...
Do not confuse your friends with alcoholic behaviour just because they drink. Please know that I do not diagnose or label people cavalierly. My friends are self-proclaimed alcoholics who struggle with their addiction every single day. They are not able to stop at one or two glasses and are very conscious of this. And, just as they support me, I support them without judgement or unsolicited suggestions. And, you are absolutely right that we are not regular drinkers and never will be. I appreciate that reminder because I never want to have thoughts creeping in that suggest otherwise. Sometimes it's okay to always say never.
Brenda: I love that you have a support network in them, but I would urge you to try to add sober friends to your support network.
As for the cooking, use stock or experiment flavors you don't normally cook with, and you won't even miss the wine.. The other night I made a sauce with coconut milk, tomato paste and herbs and spices, and it tasted amazing. Thank you for your support of my support network!!! They are amazing humans. And, I am going to follow your suggestion about adding sober friends. I have movie plans with two of them for next weekend (oh my goodness, it has been years since I went to the movies and LOVE a cherry coke and popcorn!) and dinner with some friends (pizza!!!) in a couple of weeks! Now I don't have to worry about the driving situation so can go to places that aren't walking or cabbing distance, too! Your coconut milk sauce sounds divine (I love how velvety coconut milk is!). What was it a sauce for?
Well, this was quite a lengthy response. I appreciate if you read any or all of it. If I sounded defensive or dismissive, that is not my intent or feeling. Believe me, I am feeling chock-full of gratitude and support and strength and inspiration because of ALL OF YOU, which is a great way to feel during this, the beginning of a weekend, which can be quite challenging. Thank you again and I hope to see you on here again. Have a beautiful weekend!!!
The best way out is through -- Robert Frost
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Postscript: I want to add that this process of
1). my asking some vague questions about an underlying feeling of disquiet I have followed by
2). my reading your experiences, suggestions, and support followed by
3). my responses to you
has really really helped me recognize that while my decision to stop drinking may have felt like a snapping of fingers, it has actually been underway for quite some time. In other words, you helped me to see that I do have a structure that has some strengths (emotional support, plan to prevent trigger, change in activities) and areas that need fortifying (plan for when I am triggered, sober social network, clear boundaries). I think my vague questions were reflective of my insecurities about my sober skeleton and you helped me boost my confidence about its soundness.
So, thank you for helping to ease my self-doubts! You guys are amazing.
1). my asking some vague questions about an underlying feeling of disquiet I have followed by
2). my reading your experiences, suggestions, and support followed by
3). my responses to you
has really really helped me recognize that while my decision to stop drinking may have felt like a snapping of fingers, it has actually been underway for quite some time. In other words, you helped me to see that I do have a structure that has some strengths (emotional support, plan to prevent trigger, change in activities) and areas that need fortifying (plan for when I am triggered, sober social network, clear boundaries). I think my vague questions were reflective of my insecurities about my sober skeleton and you helped me boost my confidence about its soundness.
So, thank you for helping to ease my self-doubts! You guys are amazing.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Wen: I think the 'twinges' are a fairly normal thing for us to experience...it's what we do or more importantly perhaps DON'T do when those twinges come that counts. Having a plan. Playing the tape forward. I got a twinge a few weeks ago when we made home made nachos over at our son's and girlfriend's place. It was not uncommon to drink beer with nachos. I found myself smelling the nacho fixin's including the home made guac. and the aromas and feeling like, oh man a good dark beer would sure taste good right about now. Then I had to tell myself, "Cut. Cut!. Stop filming! Don't go there. That's no longer an option". Told myself, drink a big glass of refreshing water and just enjoy the NACHOS...and boy were they good! So we chowed down and it didn't take long for the twinge to go away. I used to sip on wine or beer while fixing dinner. No longer an option. So, I tell myself, just enjoy the FOOD...it doesn't come with the danger of over imbibing or having a hangover....
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Wen, great responses and I appreciate you sharing more. As someone who has been alternately diagnosed with bipolar then BPD, I can relate to much of your posts. I will say that from when my current psych dx me with BPD. 2015 and when I stopped drinking, almost ALL of the criteria I met for BPD no longer fit. As the BB says, for me, removing alcohol was the key to all my other problems. Side note- I continue to take med specifically aimed at the BPD/bipolar spectrum.
Best of luck to you- take care.
Best of luck to you- take care.
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