milly4me

I was a somewhat interesting person last few months when I was moderating...like two or so drinks a week (before I blew it on a week long binge this month).

I was calm. I attended yoga classes. Read interesting books (yep TWO!). Kept up on current events. Attended a civic event. Walked daily. Ate healthy (mostly).

Of course all of that went away when I spent my evenings (and a few days) drinking again. No big surprise.

But....here I am day 5. I feel like ****. Didn't get anything done the week I drank and i havent gotten anything done in the 5 days I havent.

In the past I would have thought, I must have caught a bug. My husband would be the first to agree and get me some soup to help me. My friends would comment on how "compromised" my immune system is and tell me to "take care". My coworkers would tell me they would cover me at work and encourage me to stay home so they "wouldn't catch anything".

I think I honestly believed all this crap.

I'm just a heavy binging alcoholic going through withdrawal. I honestly never knew that this was what withdrawal was.

What an idiot.

I've never lied to myself that I drink wayyyy too much and it was a problem. I just didn't recognize the physical symptoms.

doggonecarl

If you a somewhat interesting person while you were drinking, think how much more interesting you'll be if you are totally sober.

That is your plan, right? Total sobriety?

columbus

You're just doing the time for doing the "crime".

(in time you'll be fine)

canguy

Hang in there Ms milly4me

You can shake this 'bug'.......because you see what's really going on.

MLD51

I used to be in denial a lot when I felt "sick." Now in hindsight, I was going through extended withdrawals, over and over again. A tiny part of me knew what was actually going on, but I told that tiny part of me to shut up. And I had a lot of people believing I was actually ill. I mean, I knew I was hungover on day 1 after a big binge, but surely - day 2, 3, 4 - that was a "bug", right?? Nope. Withdrawal. I have barely been sick physically in the over two years I've been sober. And I'm feeling much much better mentally and spiritually, too. Alcoholism is a disease of the body, mind, and spirit. Without alcohol, we can begin to heal what ails us.

I hope you consider quitting altogether. In my experience, and probably most of the people here, moderation doesn't work for long. It's a slippery slope, as you have learned. And now you realize that your life was a lot better when you weren't drinking much - why not just quit? What did those 1-2 drinks really do for you, except fool you into thinking you had your drinking problem licked?

Anna

Milly, denial is a huge part of alcoholism. It often takes time for us to see clearly what is happening. I hope that you decide to stop drinking, which is really much easier than moderating.

milly4me

Wow...just wow...YES, this is what denial is! I feel crazy.

Thanks for replying. I feel like I just got hit with a ton of rocks.

MissOverIt

Thanks for the post! I can relate- especially about the hubby being first to take care of us. Even though we thought we were getting away with it- it's much better to not be booze sick all the time.

rksh20101

I'm sure you'll be ok. Sometimes these things happen. Contact me if you'd like to chat sometime.
I was a somewhat interesting person last few months when I was moderating...like two or so drinks a week (before I blew it on a week long binge this month).

I was calm. I attended yoga classes. Read interesting books (yep TWO!). Kept up on current events. Attended a civic event. Walked daily. Ate healthy (mostly).

Of course all of that went away when I spent my evenings (and a few days) drinking again. No big surprise.

But....here I am day 5. I feel like ****. Didn't get anything done the week I drank and i havent gotten anything done in the 5 days I havent.

In the past I would have thought, I must have caught a bug. My husband would be the first to agree and get me some soup to help me. My friends would comment on how "compromised" my immune system is and tell me to "take care". My coworkers would tell me they would cover me at work and encourage me to stay home so they "wouldn't catch anything".

I think I honestly believed all this crap.

I'm just a heavy binging alcoholic going through withdrawal. I honestly never knew that this was what withdrawal was.

What an idiot.

I've never lied to myself that I drink wayyyy too much and it was a problem. I just didn't recognize the physical symptoms.

tsukiko

Brave post, Milly. What's more, now you do know you're in a better position than ever before - you now have a choice. Your eyes are open.

Often realising and as well admitting the reality is the hardest part, or one of them; it takes guts and means taking responsibility.

You ain't an idiot; idiots are stupid, your post was the opposite - it was insightful and brave. Truly.

Hang in there

gettingsmarter

Your not alone. I used to shake all day and then dry heave all the way home from work till I could get my first drink. The last thing I ever imagined was that it was alcohol withdrawal.

Nonsensical

My addiction calls me names, too. I'm so much easier to control when I feel bad about myself. After all, what's an idiot need to be sober for?

My addiction is a liar and a thief. I'd bet good money yours is, too. I mean, would an idiot have figured out what you've figured out? Learned what you've learned?

You can do this.

milly4me

I just want to thank each of you for responding.

This thread has really struck a chord with me. Really woke me up. Like a fog lifting. I must have been really working on staying in denial.

I'm not sure why this seems so important. Again, I always knew I was drinking way too much. I'm just amazed that I didn't recognize physical wothdrawal. In some ways, I suppose that was me trying to hold unto some belief that my type of alcoholism was unique -lol. So typical...feeling "unique", right? LOL

Maybe this new understanding is finally confirming in my mind that I actually am an alcoholic.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this new revelation leads.