Miafemme87

Hi there everyone,

This is just a follow up from my original post

Well it has now been a year and a few months since I broke up with my alcoholic ex boyfriend,

I just wanted to share, that for the most part i'm doing pretty well- however I have noticed something really strange, something I have never noticed before.

Since he is out of my life- my heart has become like a stone.
I don't feel lust and the desire to want to be with anyone, I don't feel like I have the capacity to love or have any feelings towards anyone. Deep down I think I might still be in love.

But on the other hand I have complete emotional numbness-
I actually think to myself that I will spend the rest of my life feeling this way, and I have started to accept it as my new normal.

I enjoy not feeling anything. its a bit of a break from the lament and the deep sadness I felt this time last year.

Has anyone else ever been through this before?

PhoenixJ

Actually tonight I have decided that is where I am. For vastly different reasons (17 months)- but not feeling is just that. Numbness to me is the mind's way of dealing with stress. Just like being in shock after physical trauma. I also know with time, this will pass. I know I just have to ride it out and accept it for what it is. It does not mean giving up, but to have the patience to heal.
My prayers to you. I think it sucks. Sometimes I feel like a robot.

Maudcat

You must have had a really tough time when you were with your former SO. have you talked about this with a therapist? They can be very good at getting to the bottom of things so we can heal and be happy.

FeelingGreat

Hi Mia, you might be depressed? Google the symptoms and see if some of them fit you. Or you might be protecting yourself by not delving into your feelings too deeply.
If you feel you've halted the recovery process and you want to move on, consider talking to a therapist. You can get a limited number of appointments through a GP at a reduced price, or your work might provide it for free.

I went through a couple of years where I cried every day, but I gradually recover. Positive things like exercise and hobbies helped as well, although I didn't feel good at the time.

Mountainmanbob

I think that it's good for us to be ok with our lone selves. For me it was what I needed before I could realize that, I didn't have to have someone in my life to make me whole.

Not long after (I kind of had that mastered) the Right one came along.

To early to give up -- we are still breathing.

M-Bob

Nata1980

A year is really not a long time...I am in the same place - I feel no attraction to the opposite sex whatsoever. Like none.

I do feel like since XAH is now gone, I am able to give all my love to DS - we have been getting along better than ever.

I never felt, and especially now I don't feel like I must be in a relationship. If someone comes along who improves my life significantly - sure why not. But I am not going to "get out there". Pointless IMO.

firebolt

I am a little over a year out too, and I have a hard time picturing myself being willing to make compromises for a significant other at the moment, for sure. If it goes on for 5 years, maybe i'll start to worry about it.

For the moment, it is pretty empowering. I do not feel like I am closed off to the possibility of love, but I do feel that it would take someone pretty amazing for me to feel like compromise, someone elses "stuff" and giving up much of my time for a partnership is a good idea right now.

neacsy

First of all I am an alcoholic and I'm not blaming alcohol for the things I've done. But for the things I've done I feel like a selfish narcarcist. Second I have been following this thread to put myself in the shoes of those I mistreated as I am the bad guy here.
It all started last year when I met this beautiful person who had recently been abused by another alcoholic. This person become a really good friend and I said to myself then that I would treat her with total respect as I need people like this in my life.
The thing is that I fell in love with her but she did not feel the same way as her heart was abused and cold. So even though we talked every second day and I gave her a shoulder to cry upon I started to have an obsession with her. I thought that one day we could be happy together.
This went on for about six months and we decided to make an investment together and don't get me wrong she laid down the law and told me what the deal was but in the back of my head I was thinking it was a great investment in our future together.
That turned sour because of my jealousy and obsessive behavior.
I apologized and we become friends again but reality hit me hard and I turned to alcohol and pot to try to drown my thoughts but it just made it worse.
So recently I wanted her to suffer the way I was so I seeked revenge and tried to defame her and yeah it was cold and totally uncalled for .
Bottom line is that she will never forgive me and I do not expect forgiveness but I just want her to know that I am really sorry and I'm seeking help for my problems.
So mia yes love is a drug to and it is just going to take time to get over it .
Carpe diem.

Miafemme87

Defame and inflict abuse on someone who has already been through enough,

Great work. Congratulations on making pre meditated attempts at deepening another human beings suffering on this difficult and tedious earth. What better way to spend your valuable time.

Carpe diem

honeypig

neacsy, I see this is your first post here. May I suggest you post in the "Alcoholics" section of the forum rather than here in "Family and Friends", at least until you get some recovery under your belt? Your attention needs to be on yourself, and I don't think the post you offered here was particularly useful to the OP.

Back to the original question: I am at about a year and a half, and I have NO desire to get back into a relationship. I do miss companionship at times, and I do wish I had some help w/maintenance around my house, but as far as missing or wishing for a romantic partner? Just doesn't cross my mind, to tell the truth. Mostly I am really OK by myself, and I do enjoy the freedom and not being accountable to anyone but me. When I feel down or lonesome, there are any number of ways for me to connect, contribute, or get busy, and that almost always takes care of my blues or blahs...

firebolt

I agree Honeypig. When I first left, I felt like I was really missing out on "love." As we all know, there ARE good parts to our alcoholics, there were fun times, and at times, we felt loved and cared for by them even if it wasn't the right kind of love.

After 6 months or so, the bad outweighing the good really was forefront in my mind, and it changed to really only missing a warm body around the house, and at night etc. Then I felt kind of anti love, and that anyone in a relationship couldn't truly be free - haha - wholly anger stage of grieving!!

Then I got super comfortable at home and alone too....and when that happened, I could see that I wasn't missing out on love, and I certainly didnt hate love. It is all around me and I can see it so clearly now. Between friends, family and acquaintances - and strangers (((SR))). I am shown love every day, my eyes were just so closed off to any love other than romantic love, which in hindsight and in my case, wasn't REALLY love. Not the right kind anyway.

I think I appreciate love even more now as a single person. It's genuine, innocent, kind and supportive. My friends and family rally when someone needs help. Strangers run to help someone that's slipped and fallen on the ice. Kids defending another kid from a bully. My neighbor bringing me biscotti for Christmas. Seeing our huge group of volunteers helping with Toys for Tots. THAT all is love, and is the only kind of romantic love I can accept now. I don't think we're cold, our standards were just taken up a notch....because we love ourselves authentically now. <3