Nata1980

Found a stash of old cards in attempt to clean out garage and take the last of XAH belongings to him.

One of the cards was from me and our then 1 year old son to XAH and depicted a little duckling getting ready to jump into the puddle.

Text: "I hope you write today". Love, wife and son.

That was my futile attempt to get XAH, then sober career PhD student to get his arse off the couch and to writing his dissertation.

Ugh. Bless my little heart. I was only 25 back then and I thought my job was to inspire him. Back then it did not occur to me that it would be similar to him writing me a card to inspire me to go to work.

P.S. He did finish his dissertation, but I had to kick his ass down the road of his thesis every step of the way. Very tiring.

dandylion

Nata...I think that, in a "normal" healthy, equitable relationship, it is common to encourage and inspire each other.....
My husband (who passed unexpectedly) did this with each other quite a bit...especially, during the difficult times.....
I believe that your card could have been written by any young wife who was commited to her marriage....
It was actually very sweet....

Nata1980

Dandy - how really sweet. Sorry for your loss

True, it would be very sweet in a context of a healthy relationship, if it was not an everyday thing. It had to be constant, unfortunately. XAH needed external "inspiration and validation" for just about any task. I literally nagged him to finish his writing.

TimeForMe

Woah. Nata, these sentences were a to me today. I did that. For years. I thought I was being a supportive wife. You're right, it is exhausting. And I did not see that as co-dependent behavior until I read that. Thank you.

Nata1980

I mean - I totally do it once in a while for people I care for. I fully plan to be supportive if I ever e.g. into healthy relationship. I won't, however, roll out celebratory banners for taking out trash and it must go both ways.

None of my accomplishments warranted any celebration at all, and I have had quite a few When I got a massive raise at work - it made him jealous (although not sure why as he benefited from it just as much as I did)

hopeful4

Just some food for thought. I spoke to a counselor who told me the other day that I need to be careful. That just because I was/am codependent at times, that I need to recognize that I am a giving and caring person, and to not lose that under the codependency umbrella. He said as long as I am not enabling, that I am really not as codependent as I thought I was, but just a caring person.

I was really happy to hear that as I do recognize that I usto enable, and that is over. However, I am still the same person underneath, and that does not have to change. It made it a little less overwhelming for me anyways.

I agree with you here, we don't need to celebrate things that are normal tasks that responsible people are meant to do (like take out the trash), and that it must go both ways! Thank you for sharing all of this, it keeps me thinking, in a positive way!

Nata1980

Hopeful4

My counselor said the same thing!

With that said - my priority right now is taking care of myself and my son and "give" to the outside world very selectively. This strategy improved quality of my life tremendously