I choose to live
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 18
I choose to live
Hello everyone,
I need to talk to someone. I am still recovering from my last binge, but I can't do this anymore. My husband is very supportive but I don't think it's fair to keep abusing his mind.
I've been drinking for a long time - 15 years maybe? With absolutely no reasons. My life is very comfortable (still), I have everything I need, love my job, love my husband, my friends are fantastic... That is to say that there is really no good reason for me to drink.
Lately (5 days) my mind has been so clouded and I couldn't sleep for so long that I'm feeling very delirious - but I guess it's not the end of it yet. It's been going downhill really fast in the last few months. I do manage to clock in 4-5 hrs a night, I just wake up so paranoid that it keeps me from any meaningful activity as I'm afraid to make a fool out of myself at work/with people I know, so I'm staying home as it's feeling safer.
I realize there are things I need to do to stop, but at this point I am just so miserable that all I can think of is the possibility of feeling like a human again. Asking for your support, I can't even cry anymore.
Thank you everyone in advance.
Have a good sober day.
S
I need to talk to someone. I am still recovering from my last binge, but I can't do this anymore. My husband is very supportive but I don't think it's fair to keep abusing his mind.
I've been drinking for a long time - 15 years maybe? With absolutely no reasons. My life is very comfortable (still), I have everything I need, love my job, love my husband, my friends are fantastic... That is to say that there is really no good reason for me to drink.
Lately (5 days) my mind has been so clouded and I couldn't sleep for so long that I'm feeling very delirious - but I guess it's not the end of it yet. It's been going downhill really fast in the last few months. I do manage to clock in 4-5 hrs a night, I just wake up so paranoid that it keeps me from any meaningful activity as I'm afraid to make a fool out of myself at work/with people I know, so I'm staying home as it's feeling safer.
I realize there are things I need to do to stop, but at this point I am just so miserable that all I can think of is the possibility of feeling like a human again. Asking for your support, I can't even cry anymore.
Thank you everyone in advance.
Have a good sober day.
S
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You can recover from this, Sibirskaya.
Welcome to the forums, post and read. This is a great place to work through this.
Are you ready to put it down? You are stuck in an addiction that will only get progressively worse.
Welcome to the forums, post and read. This is a great place to work through this.
Are you ready to put it down? You are stuck in an addiction that will only get progressively worse.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
welcome Sibirskaya!
It sounds like your body is saying it is time to quit. I quite partly because of the paranoia . That part really scared me. Things will get better the longer you stay away from alcohol.
Keep adding up those days!
It sounds like your body is saying it is time to quit. I quite partly because of the paranoia . That part really scared me. Things will get better the longer you stay away from alcohol.
Keep adding up those days!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
There is a greater, healthier, better quality
of life after addiction to alcohol or controlled
substance. That is the HOPE many of us who
are living a successful recovery life can pass
on to you and to others still struggling and sick
with this disease, illness, sickness affecting
the mind and body.
I was placed into the hands of those capable
to teach me about addiction some 26 yrs ago,
in a safe environment for 28 days and taught
a program of recovery that I could and still
use as a guideline in all areas of my life to
remain healthy, happy and sober as I continue
on my journey in life.
Admitting I had an addiction to alcohol,
accepting that fact and putting my faith
and belief in a program of recovery could
and would help me remain sober a day
at a time has allowed me to achieve a
that freedom from my addiction and
many more awesome gifts to enjoy in
life by remain sober each day.
Knowledge is extremely important and
hope you will learn as much as you can about
your addiction and its affects on your own
mind, body and soul with much willingness,
openmindedness and honesty to achieve
health and happiness as you move forward.
of life after addiction to alcohol or controlled
substance. That is the HOPE many of us who
are living a successful recovery life can pass
on to you and to others still struggling and sick
with this disease, illness, sickness affecting
the mind and body.
I was placed into the hands of those capable
to teach me about addiction some 26 yrs ago,
in a safe environment for 28 days and taught
a program of recovery that I could and still
use as a guideline in all areas of my life to
remain healthy, happy and sober as I continue
on my journey in life.
Admitting I had an addiction to alcohol,
accepting that fact and putting my faith
and belief in a program of recovery could
and would help me remain sober a day
at a time has allowed me to achieve a
that freedom from my addiction and
many more awesome gifts to enjoy in
life by remain sober each day.
Knowledge is extremely important and
hope you will learn as much as you can about
your addiction and its affects on your own
mind, body and soul with much willingness,
openmindedness and honesty to achieve
health and happiness as you move forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 18
Hi biminiblue,
thank you for stopping by,
I thought I was ready few months ago but I failed.
My worst problems (except an epic hangover, of course) are in my head, can't think clearly and anexiety is literally driving me insane. I literally kept crying for the last two days because I am so scared, and I do have some tranquilizers, but since they're so sedative, that I'm afraid to combine them with booze.
(Makes sense, right.)
Not going to mention all other wonderful fears, but I have a bunch.
I made contact with a guy who has been to a rehab, researched local AA meetings, kept reading about how it will get worse, but that just drives my anexiety through the roof. (Last time I had to call 911 and a bunch of people arrived to take my vitals and told me it's alright). I'm not suicidal, the opposite, actually, but I'm so clueless (and ashamed of getting out of the house) that I'm not exactly sure how to get over this just to start working towards this mountain of a goal to stay sober.
thank you for stopping by,
I thought I was ready few months ago but I failed.
My worst problems (except an epic hangover, of course) are in my head, can't think clearly and anexiety is literally driving me insane. I literally kept crying for the last two days because I am so scared, and I do have some tranquilizers, but since they're so sedative, that I'm afraid to combine them with booze.
(Makes sense, right.)
Not going to mention all other wonderful fears, but I have a bunch.
I made contact with a guy who has been to a rehab, researched local AA meetings, kept reading about how it will get worse, but that just drives my anexiety through the roof. (Last time I had to call 911 and a bunch of people arrived to take my vitals and told me it's alright). I'm not suicidal, the opposite, actually, but I'm so clueless (and ashamed of getting out of the house) that I'm not exactly sure how to get over this just to start working towards this mountain of a goal to stay sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 18
Hi Midwest,
as I said, I thought I was ready about 4 months ago, but as soon as I felt better I started my every night drinking thing (hiding bottles... drinking from our bar... buying bottles next day so I can "pretend" they were as full), so I'm not sure how/when I can actually do something about it once I get out of the terrible thing I'm currently in. That scares me more than anything else
as I said, I thought I was ready about 4 months ago, but as soon as I felt better I started my every night drinking thing (hiding bottles... drinking from our bar... buying bottles next day so I can "pretend" they were as full), so I'm not sure how/when I can actually do something about it once I get out of the terrible thing I'm currently in. That scares me more than anything else
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, start with not picking up a drink.
I had a lot of anxiety and fear and no control over my emotions in early sobriety. It's part of the process of the brain healing. It's pretty uncomfortable but it gets better the longer the period of continuous sober time.
I had a lot of anxiety and fear and no control over my emotions in early sobriety. It's part of the process of the brain healing. It's pretty uncomfortable but it gets better the longer the period of continuous sober time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 18
What to do with that mind blowing fear of death?
I know that a drink or two will only prolong all this
I don't expect a doctor to tell me exactly what, I just want to post I guess - to keep myself somehow occupied. My husband is sick with flu and sleeping, and I can't even do things around the house, usually mindless stuff like dishes and laundry help me to get my mind off all of it
I know that a drink or two will only prolong all this
I don't expect a doctor to tell me exactly what, I just want to post I guess - to keep myself somehow occupied. My husband is sick with flu and sleeping, and I can't even do things around the house, usually mindless stuff like dishes and laundry help me to get my mind off all of it
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Many times our spouse has something in
their job health package where they can
get help for a family member, which is
what happened to me. My husband was
able to use this in getting me into a rehab
hospital to first be evaluated then to
be able to be admitted for up to 2 weeks.
When 2 weeks came, they informed me that
I wasn't ready to go home and that I would
surely drink again. In rehab you are helped
in working thru some issues that we would
normally drink over before being released.
They wanted to sent me away to a halfway
house further away from my little ones, 4
and 6, for 6 weeks and I begged them to
allow me to stay where I was and would
do whatever I needed to do.
I did remain 28 days instay with a 6 week
outpatient aftercare program attached
before I completed my program.
I continued to work on balance in my
family and recovery because without
remaining sober and working my program
of recovery I would surely loose everything.
For me, I chose to live and not die from
my addiction holding tightly onto that hope
so many passed on to me from the very
beginning that I could and remain sober
incorporating the tools and knowledge
of addiction and recovery taught to me
to achieve health, happiness and honesty
in all my affairs.
their job health package where they can
get help for a family member, which is
what happened to me. My husband was
able to use this in getting me into a rehab
hospital to first be evaluated then to
be able to be admitted for up to 2 weeks.
When 2 weeks came, they informed me that
I wasn't ready to go home and that I would
surely drink again. In rehab you are helped
in working thru some issues that we would
normally drink over before being released.
They wanted to sent me away to a halfway
house further away from my little ones, 4
and 6, for 6 weeks and I begged them to
allow me to stay where I was and would
do whatever I needed to do.
I did remain 28 days instay with a 6 week
outpatient aftercare program attached
before I completed my program.
I continued to work on balance in my
family and recovery because without
remaining sober and working my program
of recovery I would surely loose everything.
For me, I chose to live and not die from
my addiction holding tightly onto that hope
so many passed on to me from the very
beginning that I could and remain sober
incorporating the tools and knowledge
of addiction and recovery taught to me
to achieve health, happiness and honesty
in all my affairs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 18
I have health coverage from my company that allows addiction treatment. I just can't admit I need it? As in, I suppose people can guess, but I worked just fine and even my parents couldn't tell I'm in such dire straits although I saw them a couple of weeks ago.
What can I do to admit I won't get out without help?
I don't want another mindless few days that would physically almost kill me anymore.
Last time I woke up like someone just kicked me in the head, with pain so sharp and sudden I couldn't even get myself up for a while.
What can I do to admit I won't get out without help?
I don't want another mindless few days that would physically almost kill me anymore.
Last time I woke up like someone just kicked me in the head, with pain so sharp and sudden I couldn't even get myself up for a while.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Do you trust your husband enough to ask him to take care of making care arrangements for you? Rehab might be the best thing you could do for yourself right now- some people do that and find that the month (or however long) of "enforced" sobriety lets their mind begin to clear.
However you do it, you have to stop drinking for your mind to start to clear. It can happen, and it will be a process, but you can do it. I - and many here- speak from points of stopping well beyond where you describe so we understand what you are talking about.
I hope you stop drinking- TODAY- and reach out. It is very scary but it was the best thing I ever did.
However you do it, you have to stop drinking for your mind to start to clear. It can happen, and it will be a process, but you can do it. I - and many here- speak from points of stopping well beyond where you describe so we understand what you are talking about.
I hope you stop drinking- TODAY- and reach out. It is very scary but it was the best thing I ever did.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Staying here and asking questions is a
good helpful, positive step in the right
direction to keep you from picking up
alcohol. Poison.
The only way to insure you wont drink
today, one day at a time, is not to have
alcohol around you. If alcohol is not in
the home, then you wont be able to
drink it. Right?
Consuming alcohol keeps one in a
continuous cycle of addiction. We
can back away from it for awhile,
but once we take a sip, we emmediately
pick up right where we left off at and
progression is extremely rapid.
Sure there will be anxiety and fear along
with many other issues within our minds
and bodies affected by this poison we put
in our bodies for so long.
Making a doctors appointment for a
check up is another good step. Chose
one that you will firmly be able to tell
them that you are quitting alcohol.
Being honest with them right off the
bat will insure that you will be taken
care of properly. I mean, doctors in
today age will prescribe anything the
patient wants basically, never minding
that this medicine is narcotic or habit
forming. Which in the long run keep
them in their sickness and addiction.
I stand tall and confident when I see
a doctor and they know positively to
not administer anything narcotic or
habit forming because my sobriety
and recovery is extremely important
to me to not allow anything to interfere
with it.
I hope this helps some for you.
good helpful, positive step in the right
direction to keep you from picking up
alcohol. Poison.
The only way to insure you wont drink
today, one day at a time, is not to have
alcohol around you. If alcohol is not in
the home, then you wont be able to
drink it. Right?
Consuming alcohol keeps one in a
continuous cycle of addiction. We
can back away from it for awhile,
but once we take a sip, we emmediately
pick up right where we left off at and
progression is extremely rapid.
Sure there will be anxiety and fear along
with many other issues within our minds
and bodies affected by this poison we put
in our bodies for so long.
Making a doctors appointment for a
check up is another good step. Chose
one that you will firmly be able to tell
them that you are quitting alcohol.
Being honest with them right off the
bat will insure that you will be taken
care of properly. I mean, doctors in
today age will prescribe anything the
patient wants basically, never minding
that this medicine is narcotic or habit
forming. Which in the long run keep
them in their sickness and addiction.
I stand tall and confident when I see
a doctor and they know positively to
not administer anything narcotic or
habit forming because my sobriety
and recovery is extremely important
to me to not allow anything to interfere
with it.
I hope this helps some for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 18
I trust him, I am very lucky to have him, but he won't do it against my will and I am ashamed to even see a doc. I did try to see a psychiatrist a couple if times but I have had terrible experience with them.
aasharon,
You are so right about the doctors. When I did try, I basically got just bills, no real help. Except for those paramedics which I called at 5 am, ironically, for free.
aasharon,
You are so right about the doctors. When I did try, I basically got just bills, no real help. Except for those paramedics which I called at 5 am, ironically, for free.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 18
August,
such a nice avatar.
Clearing mind... I have read so much about how it gets worse, and I have tried going sober - I felt awful, super tired, dizzy, etc, etc. So while I understand that this is my only escape, I need some motivation, I am feeling so low that I can't even talk myself into some semi-rest (no sleep, just laying around, concentrating on my breath).
Everything seems so scary, and this guilt is just so hard.
such a nice avatar.
Clearing mind... I have read so much about how it gets worse, and I have tried going sober - I felt awful, super tired, dizzy, etc, etc. So while I understand that this is my only escape, I need some motivation, I am feeling so low that I can't even talk myself into some semi-rest (no sleep, just laying around, concentrating on my breath).
Everything seems so scary, and this guilt is just so hard.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 959
Dear Sibirskaya, I think you are taking great first steps just by coming to SR and writing about your situation and your thoughts about it.
Eventually the best thing will be for you to willingly endure the temporary discomfort (withdrawal symptoms, embarrassment, a new environment if you go into rehab) for your greater good.
You are not alone with this condition. Many people fall into the snares of alcohol and/or drug addiction, and even though your condition might be a surprise to some, I'm sure many (including your family, doctor and employers) are likely to be supportive and encouraging.
This is a positive thing to recognize that you have a problem and that you will eventually have to take action to address it.
It's understandable that you are still working up the bravery to take the next step, and that's fine, but sometime soon it will be better to take that brave next step.
Please do involve your doctor instead of quitting cold turkey on your own.
Eventually the best thing will be for you to willingly endure the temporary discomfort (withdrawal symptoms, embarrassment, a new environment if you go into rehab) for your greater good.
You are not alone with this condition. Many people fall into the snares of alcohol and/or drug addiction, and even though your condition might be a surprise to some, I'm sure many (including your family, doctor and employers) are likely to be supportive and encouraging.
This is a positive thing to recognize that you have a problem and that you will eventually have to take action to address it.
It's understandable that you are still working up the bravery to take the next step, and that's fine, but sometime soon it will be better to take that brave next step.
Please do involve your doctor instead of quitting cold turkey on your own.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I thought I fooled everyone showing no signs
and having no real consequences with drinking
until Feb 1990 when on my way home from a
club listening to music and a girls night out. Only
thing was, I was drinking and driving home at
2am under the influence of alcohol.
Less than a mile away from home my front tire
caught a 2 fts notch cut out in the road in a
construction zone and ran off the road hitting
a concrete culvert sitting on top the ground.
All I remember is saying something about
my babies and in the hospital with my husband
by my side and in a lot of pain.
Come to find out a deaf passerby saw the wreck
and got some help where the EMS came to cut
me out of my car and taken to the hospital.
Family and husband were called in the wee
hours letting them know what had happened
to me. That's just aweful of what I put my
family thru.
I spent 10 in the hospital with them removing
my punctured spleen so I wouldn't bleed to death
along with numerous broken ribs, bones, contusions,
punctured lung and a chin sewn back on. Aweful.
For the next three months I healed quite well
vowing to not drink again. However, how soon
did I forget because in August 1990 I was right back
at the same club, returning home at the same
time, making it home safe, but had one more of
those aweful arguments and on a dare id end
my miserable life.
My husband told me to go to sleep and off
I went after sneeking a handful of leftover
painpills downed with wine thinking my
failured life as a wife and mom was over.
The next morning my 2 little ones couldn't
wake me up for their last day of vacation
bible school. Then way off in the distance I
could hear the phone ringing which was right
near my bed. Today I still believe it was God
calling me to wake up to tell me He wasn't
thru with me yet and wasn't ready for me.
It was my motherinlaw looking for me and
the kids. With slurred speech, grogginess,
she yelled at me to get up and I did running
to the bathroom to throw up all that was
in my system.
Before long my husband was trying to haul
me to the car to take me to the hospital to
get my stomach pumped but I fought him
off with every ounce of strength I had till
he left me alone.
Before I knew it the house was quiet
for awhile until the police walked in
to escort me , where, I didn't know at
that time. I walked passed my father
in law and husband with so much hatred
and daggers in my eyes and told them both
I hated them before I was seated in the
back seat of the police car and driven
off feeling like a criminal.
I didn't say a word as I looked around the
back seat behind the fenced screen separating
me from the 2 officers. There were no handles
on the doors as I sat with feelings of disbelief
that my family could do this to little ol me, someone
who wouldn't hurt a flee.
That first night I spent in the physc ward
where they would test me the next day.
I saw folks I felt so sorry for, shuffling
across the floor, hugging the wall, rocking
back and forth, mumbling and thinking
surely I wasn't that far gone as them.
I did pass all the test they gave me the
next day to only conclude that I had a
drinking problem or in other words, an
addiction to a controlling substance
affecting my mind and body.
It was then I accepted my addiction and
made plans to stay for however long I
needed to stay to get well.
This was to become the intervention my
family did on me, getting me help I so
desperately needed at that time in my
life at 39 yrs old when I wouldn't nor
couldn't get for myself and for that I
have been truly grateful for for the
last 26 yrs sober.
I was soooo sick and didn't want to
accept it for so long until what I shared
above happened and even today there
isn't enough alcohol in this world that
could take me away from this life I have
come to be ever so grateful and blessed
for.
No thank you I don't want my misery
refunded when I was drinking.
and having no real consequences with drinking
until Feb 1990 when on my way home from a
club listening to music and a girls night out. Only
thing was, I was drinking and driving home at
2am under the influence of alcohol.
Less than a mile away from home my front tire
caught a 2 fts notch cut out in the road in a
construction zone and ran off the road hitting
a concrete culvert sitting on top the ground.
All I remember is saying something about
my babies and in the hospital with my husband
by my side and in a lot of pain.
Come to find out a deaf passerby saw the wreck
and got some help where the EMS came to cut
me out of my car and taken to the hospital.
Family and husband were called in the wee
hours letting them know what had happened
to me. That's just aweful of what I put my
family thru.
I spent 10 in the hospital with them removing
my punctured spleen so I wouldn't bleed to death
along with numerous broken ribs, bones, contusions,
punctured lung and a chin sewn back on.
Aweful. For the next three months I healed quite well
vowing to not drink again. However, how soon
did I forget because in August 1990 I was right back
at the same club, returning home at the same
time, making it home safe, but had one more of
those aweful arguments and on a dare id end
my miserable life.
My husband told me to go to sleep and off
I went after sneeking a handful of leftover
painpills downed with wine thinking my
failured life as a wife and mom was over.
The next morning my 2 little ones couldn't
wake me up for their last day of vacation
bible school. Then way off in the distance I
could hear the phone ringing which was right
near my bed. Today I still believe it was God
calling me to wake up to tell me He wasn't
thru with me yet and wasn't ready for me.
It was my motherinlaw looking for me and
the kids. With slurred speech, grogginess,
she yelled at me to get up and I did running
to the bathroom to throw up all that was
in my system.
Before long my husband was trying to haul
me to the car to take me to the hospital to
get my stomach pumped but I fought him
off with every ounce of strength I had till
he left me alone.
Before I knew it the house was quiet
for awhile until the police walked in
to escort me , where, I didn't know at
that time. I walked passed my father
in law and husband with so much hatred
and daggers in my eyes and told them both
I hated them before I was seated in the
back seat of the police car and driven
off feeling like a criminal.
I didn't say a word as I looked around the
back seat behind the fenced screen separating
me from the 2 officers. There were no handles
on the doors as I sat with feelings of disbelief
that my family could do this to little ol me, someone
who wouldn't hurt a flee.
That first night I spent in the physc ward
where they would test me the next day.
I saw folks I felt so sorry for, shuffling
across the floor, hugging the wall, rocking
back and forth, mumbling and thinking
surely I wasn't that far gone as them.
I did pass all the test they gave me the
next day to only conclude that I had a
drinking problem or in other words, an
addiction to a controlling substance
affecting my mind and body.
It was then I accepted my addiction and
made plans to stay for however long I
needed to stay to get well.
This was to become the intervention my
family did on me, getting me help I so
desperately needed at that time in my
life at 39 yrs old when I wouldn't nor
couldn't get for myself and for that I
have been truly grateful for for the
last 26 yrs sober.
I was soooo sick and didn't want to
accept it for so long until what I shared
above happened and even today there
isn't enough alcohol in this world that
could take me away from this life I have
come to be ever so grateful and blessed
for.
No thank you I don't want my misery
refunded when I was drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 18
Solarion,
thank you for your kind words.
I actually am sure people close to me will be supportive, I'm just too afraid to take the final step, afraid to upset my parents... I know a bunch of alcoholics and I knew a bunch (passed away) and my family tree isn't too encouraging.
So I am trying to do something about this, but can't quite gather my thoughts together just yet. I went for a long walk, but that's something I don't count as an effort since I can easily walk for hours and hours (not as good at hiking anymore but I'm sure I can build this up).
I am just avoiding mirrors for the last few days, this face is what I was afraid of for a long time. Ironically, one of my worst nightmares was to lose my identity, so to speak, as in, to not recognize myself anymore, and here I am, doing it to myself, if only any logic existed in this scary world of an addict...
I like both physical activities and ones that involve brains, but the latter are kind of hard right now and the former I'm not feeling well enough for (except for some really simple tasks, but these don't exhaust me at all so I can't get any rest).
I have to say that talking feels really good, and since I don't talk about this to anyone in person (except my husband, who really doesn't need all the details and thinks I can make it... as long as I want to... but I feel so weak now...) it becomes so precious.
Thank you everyone who took time to read this.
I wish you good health and strong will.
thank you for your kind words.
I actually am sure people close to me will be supportive, I'm just too afraid to take the final step, afraid to upset my parents... I know a bunch of alcoholics and I knew a bunch (passed away) and my family tree isn't too encouraging.
So I am trying to do something about this, but can't quite gather my thoughts together just yet. I went for a long walk, but that's something I don't count as an effort since I can easily walk for hours and hours (not as good at hiking anymore but I'm sure I can build this up).
I am just avoiding mirrors for the last few days, this face is what I was afraid of for a long time. Ironically, one of my worst nightmares was to lose my identity, so to speak, as in, to not recognize myself anymore, and here I am, doing it to myself, if only any logic existed in this scary world of an addict...
I like both physical activities and ones that involve brains, but the latter are kind of hard right now and the former I'm not feeling well enough for (except for some really simple tasks, but these don't exhaust me at all so I can't get any rest).
I have to say that talking feels really good, and since I don't talk about this to anyone in person (except my husband, who really doesn't need all the details and thinks I can make it... as long as I want to... but I feel so weak now...) it becomes so precious.
Thank you everyone who took time to read this.
I wish you good health and strong will.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 18
Thank you so much for sharing, Sharon.
It's so inspiring to read your story.
I asked my husband to take me to whatever institution he thinks is best next time he sees me drunk. I am too sick and too tired to continue. When I went for a walk I was very tempted to go to a store (4 miles round trip which I can easily do even now) but I didn't.
It usually takes me a day or two to get out of this nightmare, but this time around I bought a couple of bottles to replace some booze in our home bar and of course finished whatever was left. Then had a hangover so bad that I drank again. My hands are not shaking, I eat and all, I just look like crap and can't seem to be able to reset my mind.
In my ugly mind, the minute I fall asleep I will die, it's been like this for a while, and of course the way to deal with it is to drink myself to sleep.
I will re-read the thread and I am glad to be able to share. Pretending this is not existing in my life has been a lie for too long. Not sure how the chemicals in the brains work, but I just started detirorating day by day - frequency of drinking, clarity of thinking, my face... I am thankful my husband is stil supporting me, but I don't think anyone should be going through this nightmare, that's not the person he fell in love with.
Told him he'll see a decent face on Valentine's day, the one he liked, and I sure hope so. I'm not a believer, but crying last night I talked to all Gods imaginable. I need this last chance, I made it this far to realize it, it must have been a good sign?
Or whatever. Maybe not a sign, maybe I have some brain cells left to save myself.
It's so inspiring to read your story.
I asked my husband to take me to whatever institution he thinks is best next time he sees me drunk. I am too sick and too tired to continue. When I went for a walk I was very tempted to go to a store (4 miles round trip which I can easily do even now) but I didn't.
It usually takes me a day or two to get out of this nightmare, but this time around I bought a couple of bottles to replace some booze in our home bar and of course finished whatever was left. Then had a hangover so bad that I drank again. My hands are not shaking, I eat and all, I just look like crap and can't seem to be able to reset my mind.
In my ugly mind, the minute I fall asleep I will die, it's been like this for a while, and of course the way to deal with it is to drink myself to sleep.
I will re-read the thread and I am glad to be able to share. Pretending this is not existing in my life has been a lie for too long. Not sure how the chemicals in the brains work, but I just started detirorating day by day - frequency of drinking, clarity of thinking, my face... I am thankful my husband is stil supporting me, but I don't think anyone should be going through this nightmare, that's not the person he fell in love with.
Told him he'll see a decent face on Valentine's day, the one he liked, and I sure hope so. I'm not a believer, but crying last night I talked to all Gods imaginable. I need this last chance, I made it this far to realize it, it must have been a good sign?
Or whatever. Maybe not a sign, maybe I have some brain cells left to save myself.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
This doesn't have to be a mountain for you. Like many other life challenges, this one can be met by just doing one thing, one small thing, first. And then, another small thing. And again, some thing else that is completely achievable.
Can you find your alcohol in the house? Of course you can do that. Can you pick it up and move it to the sink? Absolutely? Can you open it? Sure! Can you grasp it and tilt it over the drain? Can you hold it there until no more comes out of the bottle? I know you can.
This is the most important thing you can do for yourself right now. Then, pour your self a drink of water, bring it to your lips, tilt it back and slowly swallow it. Next, lie down and rest, knowing you have already climbed a big mountain.
You can do this, Sibirskaya. I know you can. I believe in you, even if you do not believe in yourself. Please keep posting. You can get better, and you can get well. You can have a life that you deserve. And you do, you do deserve a good life. Go get it, and let nothing stand in your way.
Can you find your alcohol in the house? Of course you can do that. Can you pick it up and move it to the sink? Absolutely? Can you open it? Sure! Can you grasp it and tilt it over the drain? Can you hold it there until no more comes out of the bottle? I know you can.
This is the most important thing you can do for yourself right now. Then, pour your self a drink of water, bring it to your lips, tilt it back and slowly swallow it. Next, lie down and rest, knowing you have already climbed a big mountain.
You can do this, Sibirskaya. I know you can. I believe in you, even if you do not believe in yourself. Please keep posting. You can get better, and you can get well. You can have a life that you deserve. And you do, you do deserve a good life. Go get it, and let nothing stand in your way.
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