Patchwork quilt

Hi all,

My son's father/ex-husband is an alcoholic/drug addict who is clean from pot but will not quit alcohol completely...he says that he sees no problem with "moderate drinking...3 times a week". It is part our divorce judgement that he cannot drink in the presence of our child or for a certain time period before visitation.
My question is for those of you who have away-from-home alcoholic co-parents...
Since your child/children's father/mother is an alcoholic, how do you treat alcohol in your own home? Do you drink at all (even one)? Do you keep alcohol in the house? Do you teach abstinence to your children?
I'm just curious about how to treat alcohol in our home as my son grows older.
My dad and his wife whom we are close to have a drink when we go out to dinner. Sometimes I'll have one too, but I'm wondering if seeing me even have will confuse my son about alcohol.
I feel torn about this. Part of me says that there should be no problem with my son witnessing alcohol use opposed to alcohol abuse. I'm not sure if I want to even expose my son to any alcohol use.
I guess I've really demonized alcohol in my mind. Although I like an occasional beer, I'm wondering if it's worth it.
Let me know how you all handle this issue....do you expose your kids to any level of acceptable/within healthy range alcohol use?

Thanks.

osier59

I have wine in the house and drink a glass or 2 from time to time. My sons know that I drink out with friends, the occasional good red wine or margarita. We have talked a lot about moderation... and being responsible, drinking & driving, all those things. I wanted my kids to know that I see a huge difference between mild, occasional social drinking and problem drinking/alcoholism.

Good thread. I'll be interested in reading other responses.

Barb

brightlight

I see nothing wrong with alcohol and I have a drink now and then. I have wine and sometimes a mixed drink. It was strange for my daughter because the 7 years he did not drink I did not either, so we never bought any. I have no problem with my husband drinking, it is that he goes to a BAR to do it.

best

shield him from the truth and when he is sent out into the world, he may not understand how to deal with things.
be truthful and up front. Have talks with him to explain the dangers of alcohol and drugs. Even if you make a choice to not drink...still have the talkS with him about the dangers.

jalacola

With me, and like most of us here, alcohol is something I can take or leave. Since my AH is just beginning recovery, I don't drink when I go out with friends simply because I don't want the taste to be on my mouth when I come home and kiss him. I don't want to cause him to crave it anymore than he already does. Does that make sense? But my children are very small (5 and 4 months). I think when they are older, I will teach them about drinking responsibly and the difference between that and alcoholism. I also think as my AH's recovery progresses (hopefully it will) that he will be able to be around alot of people having a drink or two and feel okay to say no, that he doesn't drink. Maybe one day, he won't feel "left out."

Rose56

I have wondered about this issue too. I have a couple of drinks once in a while. I have let me kids see me have a drink or two, this way they can see what moderate drinking looks like. My kids are now 19 & 18 and they both drink at parties etc. (I know this although I haven't seen it etc). We have talked about how drinking can begin by being moderate and progress to something else. We have also talked about the dangers of children of alcoholics becoming alcoholic themselves or marrying someone with an alcohol problem. I don't know how much of this sinks in, but I tread lightly. Just throwing out the reminders on occasion and then praying like mad every chance I get!

I have also wondered why I drink at all. I know that it is empty calories and that it doesn't even relax me really. I have been thinking about giving it up altogether.

eveie

Good thread! I will respond by saying as an ACOA and being on my own after living with an alcoholic roomate, It is nice to be able to go back to wine collecting. yes, I will have the occasional glass of wine. I also tell my daughter the difference about drinking responsible and becoming an alcoholic. I don't go OUT to drink, I don't care for bars, but hey I AM Italalian..LOL, and a good glass of vino is good for the blood as grandpa always said. He was never an alcoholic but had one glass of wine with Sunday dinner. Good thread! Often wondered others views on this as well. I think after getting out of a relationship with somone who suffers from alcoholism, any alcohol will be bitter, but time heals all. Why should WE feel bad about having a glass of wine or one drink, WE aren't the ones with the disease! Thats how I feel about it

Patchwork quilt

I like to have a beer with my family when we go out to the local Mom & Pop spaghetti house...I don't NEED the beer, but I like to have one occasionally.
My ex always used this against me when we broached the subject of his drinking...especially in marriage counseling.
We'd talk about his binge drinking and he'd be sure to say to the counselor, "Well, let me tell you that this girl likes her beer too!" to get the attention off of him :lame:
I'm sure the counselors knew what tactic he was using but he is a pretty slick talker and I'm not sure that when that type of attention-shifting starts happening around the time our son is say, 10 yrs old, a little boy will be able to tell the difference.
Like I said, I don't want to demonize alcohol but I guess I'll have to be particular about how I discuss alcohol use versus abuse with my child.
Sadly, since alcoholism is progressive, my guess is that my son will see for himself as time goes by

skyleh

I have not left yet...15 more days...but I will probably have a drink now and the...I will just make sure to educate my son about alcohol and substances...I know I can not STOP him from doing something once he gets out there and the big wide world..it was everywhere when I was a kid...but education..understanding what it is all about is what will help...

My husband calls me a hypocrite.(sp?) because I like to have a margarita now and then or a glass of wine....I used to drink plenty with him...but the difference between us and them is that we dont have to have it and MOST times I would rather NOT have it...

I have talked to one ACOA...she grew up on a home with very active alcoholics and is very angry to this day since she was 12 and in health class when she realized what was going on in her home...I want to make sure my child has all the information he can get to make good choices...and I believe my relationship with him is key too..he needs to trust me..and know that I wont "freak out" on him if he brings a problem to me..I may be paniced inside but I don't want him to see that...he's only 4 so in the meantime I am working on educating myself to be the best I can be 8-)

Good luck

Patchwork quilt

Since I'm new here, I don't know what an ACOA is.....

skyleh

oh sorry...Adult Child of an Acoholic (actually in her case...both her parents are acoholics)

gelfling

Hi Patch,

First, ACOA stands for Adult Children Of Alcoholics.

I've read everyone's post in response to your question. Fine suggestions and ideas. I myself haven't had anything to drink in a long long long time. Primarily because I'm a cheap drunk. One drink and I'm gone.

I also thought that not drinking in front of my a and our son while he was growing up would be a positive influence. I think talking to him would have worked much better then avoidance. We did discuss drinking right before he went off to college and he was very aware of the statistics/genetics probability. (FYI....a child from 1 alcoholic parent has a 40% chance of being an alcoholic..with both parents being alcoholics, it's 85%).

It wasn't until last year I found out he was binge drinking for day one at school. He's 24 and an alcoholic.

Now, at this point in my life with my husband and son, I don't think I'd drink in front of them at all.

What you could do for your son would be to take him to meetings that are for his age group. Let him get the education he'll need in life regarding the dangers of alcoholism and other addictions. And I don't think drinking in moderation or occasionally would do any harm. Particularly when he sees that it doesn't affect you as it did his father.

Grace and Blessings, Kathy

Patchwork quilt

"a child from 1 alcoholic parent has a 40% chance of being an alcoholic..with both parents being alcoholics, it's 85%"

Is this because of genetics or influence?

skyleh

I think Genetics..causes it but the influence and education is what the child need to learn about it...to learn to recognize a problem in themselves... and deal with it.

gelfling

Hi Patch,

Skyleh has it right. It is genetics , but we can be educated and taught how to live our lives without alcoholic.

I didn't do that with my son. We all thought he had coped well and never did the meetings. Too late now. he's doing AA himself.

Take care and be blessed.

Kathy

sdp

My dad was an alcoholic.. My mom liked to drink, but I don't think I ever saw her drunk, at least I don't recall...

Out of their 5 kids, only 1 is an alcoholic, my oldest brother. 3 have pretty normal lives with non -A spouses... I married the alcoholic. I also like to have a beer occasionally.

StandingStrong

I don't drink. It's been many many years since I've actually had a drink. So no, I don't drink in front of my kids.
BUT...
I admit that in my younger more innocent days, I drank a lot. Mostly in high school and now and then when I got out of high school.
However, having watched my husband's life fall apart around him, having watched my brother lose everything he's worked so hard for, as well as watched other people I knew fall, I knew that I never wanted my life to be like that.
Also, when my kid's were very small, I knew that I had to be the responsible parent. I couldn't - wouldn't - take the chance of having one moment of bad judgement due to alcohol. And now that they are older, I can tell you that my AH caused a lot of pain and heartbreak in their lives. So I wouldn't drink in front of them now even if I wanted too.

I think in many cases (especially when the children are younger), it's not as big of an issue if you had a drink without getting drunk around them. They don't understand. But when the kid's get older and they see their parents drinking when one has a problem (or both), I do think it gives them the impression that it's okay.
And no, I'm not a prude. I hate to admit it, but I do smoke in front of my kids. They've heard me swear like a sailor and seen me have a few major out of body experiences.

In hindsite, for myself, I have to say that I'm very lucky. Alcoholism runs in my family. Out of my brother and I, my brother is an alcoholic. Neither one of my parents drink but during my brother's rehab the counselor did tell my mom she acts like an alcoholic. She has the "ism's" of it.
Out of my 3 children, I worry most about my oldest. He is so much like his Dad, and idolizes his father as well. He also drank a beer with his dad this past summer (though there are some questions about that incident) but I do worry that my son will take it as a "bonding" of sorts. Not just with his Dad, but also an in-general type of male bonding thing. Ya know?

Oops, just realized that I"m rambling. sorry.