Smilax

The only logical conclusion I can draw from my actions are that I don't give a s@!&t about myself. That in some ways I'm kind of suicidal. And perhaps in some ways that's true. But. In the acute definition of those terms I know that's not quite right either.

Smilax

One thing I shared in therapy recently is that there is a very profound sense of loneliness within me. I long to be "needed". And yet not only do I do nothing about it. I actively isolate myself even further and make my loneliness worse.

Dee74

Getting sober can be very difficult, but the way forward is to do more, not less.

I dismissed myself as suicidal or doomed too, but I didn't really want to die.

what I really wanted was to not be an alcoholic and be able to drink without bad consequences, or not have that gnawing need to drink.

I wanted to do nothing, but have change.

I had to accept that my stopping drinking and drugging was a necessity if I wanted my life to be different.

'I don't give a s@!&t about myself' is really a meaningless statement that absolves us of responsibility and simply results in more drinking.

If you didn't care you wouldn't be posting.

So..think about a plan. Do you need more support? Do you need to use the support you have (like here) more effectively?

What have you done to change your life to making further drinking and drugging a harder choice?

Things like loneliness and self esteem can only be dealt with with a sober mind.

If you're in a hole, you need to start climbing.

D

thomas11

Hi Smilax, I don't think your alone in your thinking. When I was drinking heavily, things at times were not going well (thus the heavy drinking), I was convinced I didn't care about myself, and had some very dark thoughts. I can only share what worked for me; that was to put in the time and the work and stay away from alcohol. The mind seems to work better after lengthy period of sobriety. I wish you the best.

Anna

I didn't care about myself at all either. I had all but given up ever finding happiness in my life. I felt very disconnected from everyone, including myself. All I can say is that you need to take action. Do something today to help you move closer to stopping drinking. Make a plan, figure out what will work for you and believe that you are worth it.

DontRemember

You can see my thread "Just got out of jail"... I'm pretty positive that I hit that wall on purpose. Drinking/loneliness led me to the wall but, it was me that hit it. Looking back at the past year has opened up a new life for me. I hope you can find inner peace and happiness. I've only just recently discovered being sober. Boring sometimes but, I'm now 100% accountable for my words/actions.