Close to the edge
Still I rise.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Close to the edge
I just celebrated 4 years of sobriety.
I am having a time in my personal life which is what spiralled me into the depths of my worst drinking days those many years ago. My current relationship issues have been super triggering and the temporary relief of wine has crossed my mind which is really depressing me that I am even mentally 'going there' after all this time.
I feel guilty even posting about this; like I'm letting myself down even *thinking* of it.
I am hanging on but I am struggling today. I thought if I put it out to the internet universe, some relief and support may be found. Thank you in advance for reading and sending me a good wish or two.
I am having a time in my personal life which is what spiralled me into the depths of my worst drinking days those many years ago. My current relationship issues have been super triggering and the temporary relief of wine has crossed my mind which is really depressing me that I am even mentally 'going there' after all this time.
I feel guilty even posting about this; like I'm letting myself down even *thinking* of it.
I am hanging on but I am struggling today. I thought if I put it out to the internet universe, some relief and support may be found. Thank you in advance for reading and sending me a good wish or two.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Ophelia, it's ok. You are only human. Just don't forget- these are only thoughts and you don't have to act on them.
Do you do meetings at all, have a sponsor or a sober friend you could talk to?
Sometimes, when I get into those triggering states just talking to a loved one about what is plaguing me in life or just a general chat can lift my spirits and take my mind off drinking thoughts.
Do you want to share your relationship issues here? Maybe that will help.
Also, what can you do that is JUST for you that you know you love to do and will feel like a treat or self care. A walk? Coffee with a friend? A hobby you love?
Do you do any counseling that might help? Do you journal at all?
this too shall pass. You're not alone. Posting here is ALWAYS a good thing. 
And 4 years is AWESOME! You should have so much pride in that.
Do you do meetings at all, have a sponsor or a sober friend you could talk to?
Sometimes, when I get into those triggering states just talking to a loved one about what is plaguing me in life or just a general chat can lift my spirits and take my mind off drinking thoughts.
Do you want to share your relationship issues here? Maybe that will help.
Also, what can you do that is JUST for you that you know you love to do and will feel like a treat or self care. A walk? Coffee with a friend? A hobby you love?
Do you do any counseling that might help? Do you journal at all?
this too shall pass. You're not alone. Posting here is ALWAYS a good thing. And 4 years is AWESOME! You should have so much pride in that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
4 years!!!
that's awesome.
Thank you for your inspiration and helping me stay sober today!!
Whatever's present in our lives to cause us challenge - it can never be more challenging or damaging that alcohol and addiction.
Embrace your sobriety ever more deeply, and keep on growing the richness of life. Good times come and go, and so do 'bad'..... picking up the booze is never the answer.
Hang in there!!
that's awesome.
Thank you for your inspiration and helping me stay sober today!!
Whatever's present in our lives to cause us challenge - it can never be more challenging or damaging that alcohol and addiction.
Embrace your sobriety ever more deeply, and keep on growing the richness of life. Good times come and go, and so do 'bad'..... picking up the booze is never the answer.
Hang in there!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
RO, it is a GOOD thing you're posting, and nothing to feel guilty about. guilt implies having done something wrong.
you haven't.
'going there', thoughts crossing your mind, is a reaction. not an action, as such. the action you're taking in response to the thought is the posting, asking for support.
i think it's just 'normal' that we want temporary relief, and it's 'normal' that our minds still go down familiar pathways.
what counts is that you see it and then don't follow the thought by drinking.
lots of ways to get temporary relief; no doubt you have some that work for you. go for a walk. a cup of hot chocolate. a weekend away. go to a movie. call a sober buddy. bake bread.
yes, sending good wishes.
you haven't.
'going there', thoughts crossing your mind, is a reaction. not an action, as such. the action you're taking in response to the thought is the posting, asking for support.
i think it's just 'normal' that we want temporary relief, and it's 'normal' that our minds still go down familiar pathways.
what counts is that you see it and then don't follow the thought by drinking.
lots of ways to get temporary relief; no doubt you have some that work for you. go for a walk. a cup of hot chocolate. a weekend away. go to a movie. call a sober buddy. bake bread.
yes, sending good wishes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You're okay. You didn't drink, it's just a thought and thoughts pass.
The relationship. Do you want to talk about it? Is it time for some upheaval? I know that in the past when I tried to ignore my relationship issues it never worked and eventually I had to resolve them one way or the other.
The relationship. Do you want to talk about it? Is it time for some upheaval? I know that in the past when I tried to ignore my relationship issues it never worked and eventually I had to resolve them one way or the other.
Still I rise.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by Delizadee 
Ophelia, it's ok. You are only human. Just don't forget- these are only thoughts and you don't have to act on them.
Do you do meetings at all, have a sponsor or a sober friend you could talk to?
Sometimes, when I get into those triggering states just talking to a loved one about what is plaguing me in life or just a general chat can lift my spirits and take my mind off drinking thoughts.
Do you want to share your relationship issues here? Maybe that will help.
Also, what can you do that is JUST for you that you know you love to do and will feel like a treat or self care. A walk? Coffee with a friend? A hobby you love?
Do you do any counseling that might help?
this too shall pass. You're not alone. Posting here is ALWAYS a good thing.
Do you do meetings at all, have a sponsor or a sober friend you could talk to?
Sometimes, when I get into those triggering states just talking to a loved one about what is plaguing me in life or just a general chat can lift my spirits and take my mind off drinking thoughts.
Do you want to share your relationship issues here? Maybe that will help.
Also, what can you do that is JUST for you that you know you love to do and will feel like a treat or self care. A walk? Coffee with a friend? A hobby you love?
Do you do any counseling that might help?
this too shall pass. You're not alone. Posting here is ALWAYS a good thing. Thanks for taking the time to respond, Delizadee.
I'm in a different country than my partner and it's tested already shaky ground. I feel like I'm being 'punished' for having commitment issues and for taking this employment opportunity which ends in December (partner was initially supportive but, in the last month, has withdrawn<--a huge trigger due to family/childhood issues). I have always had commitment issues but they worsened when I divorced back in 2012.
B/c I am in a foreign country, I have zero friends (I really don't have many back in Canada either). I was invited to American Thanksgiving at someone's house as a courtesy but I feel I'll just break down crying and everyone will be drinking anyway.
I have no sponsor. I am just bereft. I don't know what to do. I am at a hotel lobby/restaurant which is on the way home and having cappuccino but the clink of bottles just made my mouth water.
Still I rise.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
I'm crying. Thank you everyone. I feel like I just am the worst at coping with life/relationships despite calling myself strong just days ago when I created my last thread lauding my 4 years. I have so much love and so much fear and it ruins everything.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Ophelia, we are here for you, and I'm glad that you put your feelings in your post. I'm really sorry that you're going through a tough time. It's just not easy sometimes. First of all, be kind to yourself, do something nice for yourself today. And, then, understand that your feelings are just feelings and they don't need to propel you back to drinking. You've got this!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You can always bow out on the friend's house. I don't do well in big social gatherings, especially if I feel like an "add-on."
This time of year is tough for a lot of people. I'm alone today, it's okay! A lot of people are alone today, whether by choice or by circumstance. It's just another day. I have food and TV and if I really wanted to find people I could go to a meeting.
This time of year is tough for a lot of people. I'm alone today, it's okay! A lot of people are alone today, whether by choice or by circumstance. It's just another day. I have food and TV and if I really wanted to find people I could go to a meeting.
Still I rise.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by biminiblue
You can always bow out on the friend's house. I don't do well in big social gatherings, especially if I feel like an "add-on."
This time of year is tough for a lot of people. I'm alone today, it's okay! A lot of people are alone today, whether by choice or by circumstance. It's just another day. I have food and TV and if I really wanted to find people I could go to a meeting.
This time of year is tough for a lot of people. I'm alone today, it's okay! A lot of people are alone today, whether by choice or by circumstance. It's just another day. I have food and TV and if I really wanted to find people I could go to a meeting.
There's a drinking culture here in this European country where I am presently living.
One colleague a couple of weeks ago remarked, "Oh you probably should go home and have some wine!" about three times in two days. I finally just told her, "I don't drink alcohol". She said, "Oh that was insensitive me" and it got awkward. But I want to be straight up about it as I kind of wanted to do dinner with her and would rather have *that* out the way and couldn't bear one more reference to, "Have a drink!".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I know, the drink culture gets really old sometimes.
It's not that I can't drink. It's that I don't find any benefit in it any more. It is the better choice. If they want to be hungover and feel woozy, more power to them.
I think the worst part of being with drinkers is how annoyingly loud and repetitive they become. And over-bearing. And pompous.
I guess I just see sobriety as the higher road.
It's not that I can't drink. It's that I don't find any benefit in it any more. It is the better choice. If they want to be hungover and feel woozy, more power to them.
I think the worst part of being with drinkers is how annoyingly loud and repetitive they become. And over-bearing. And pompous.
I guess I just see sobriety as the higher road.
Still I rise.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I know, the drink culture gets really old sometimes.
It's not that I can't drink. It's that I don't find any benefit in it any more. It is the better choice. If they want to be hungover and feel woozy, more power to them.
I think the worst part of being with drinkers is how annoyingly loud and repetitive they become. And over-bearing. And pompous.
I guess I just see sobriety as the higher road.
It's not that I can't drink. It's that I don't find any benefit in it any more. It is the better choice. If they want to be hungover and feel woozy, more power to them.
I think the worst part of being with drinkers is how annoyingly loud and repetitive they become. And over-bearing. And pompous.
I guess I just see sobriety as the higher road.Last week I went to a pub and sipped my Diet Coke (Coke Lite over here lol) and listened to two men 'mansplain' the election to me among other things of which they held infinite knowledge...which grew with the more drinks ingested of course. Ugh.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Ophelia, I've happened upon quite a few of your posts after joining SR earlier this year. You are absolutely a strong, intelligent, caring woman and you deserve the best and believe me, after I've only recently escaped the clutches of alcohol addiction - drinking alcohol is definitely not the best, not what you deserve.
You are strong and resourceful and can beat this. It's just the old echo of alcohol addiction, sounding through your brain, the overgrown neural pathway opening up because you're feeling low, and it's using your thoughts and feelings, suggesting that alcohol is a way to 'cope'. Alcohol isn't a way to cope, it actually does the reverse (as I'm sure you know) and takes away our coping skills, resources and defences - while pretending it's helping, it does the opposite. It might numb us for a while. But after the numbness dissipates, the original problem or issue rears its head, larger.
You can get through this, Ophelia!
You are strong and resourceful and can beat this. It's just the old echo of alcohol addiction, sounding through your brain, the overgrown neural pathway opening up because you're feeling low, and it's using your thoughts and feelings, suggesting that alcohol is a way to 'cope'. Alcohol isn't a way to cope, it actually does the reverse (as I'm sure you know) and takes away our coping skills, resources and defences - while pretending it's helping, it does the opposite. It might numb us for a while. But after the numbness dissipates, the original problem or issue rears its head, larger.
You can get through this, Ophelia!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi Ophelia,
I loved reading your four year post, and was so inspired by your words. The fact that you came here to post how you are feeling shows how strong your sobriety is.
Whatever you choose to do today I know you won't drink. Enjoy time with your friends, family, or on your own.
Sending lots of love your way.
❤️ Delilah
I loved reading your four year post, and was so inspired by your words. The fact that you came here to post how you are feeling shows how strong your sobriety is.
Whatever you choose to do today I know you won't drink. Enjoy time with your friends, family, or on your own.
Sending lots of love your way.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
4 yrs sober is a huge accomplishment
a personal achievement, blessing and
gift as you continue growing in sobriety.
We all go thru some kind of pain in life
whether it be personal, emotional, physical,
spiritual and more. The tools and knowledge
you have learned and continue to learn
while on ur journey is allowing you to
live life no matter what it throws at u,
on a strong, solid foundation, helping
you avoid temptations that plague u
at any given moment.
Being able to recognize a certain problem
and find a healthier solution to it instead
of escaping in a bottle of poison, that would
and will keep us sick in our addiction, is what
will strengthen you from inside to out.
I often draw strength from prayers I
learned as a child and those taught to
me when I entered recovery 26 yrs ago.
Having a close personal relationship
and connection to my HP - Higher Power,
God of my understanding, never do I
ever have to feel alone in anything or
any situation.
My HP has been with me thru thick
and thin and has been my Rock when
I need strength as I continue to ask for
guidance and work His will thru me.
Stay strong as you seek relief during
situation knowing that it will pass and
nothing will ruffle your feathers as long
as you remain steadfast in your recovery.
a personal achievement, blessing and
gift as you continue growing in sobriety.
We all go thru some kind of pain in life
whether it be personal, emotional, physical,
spiritual and more. The tools and knowledge
you have learned and continue to learn
while on ur journey is allowing you to
live life no matter what it throws at u,
on a strong, solid foundation, helping
you avoid temptations that plague u
at any given moment.
Being able to recognize a certain problem
and find a healthier solution to it instead
of escaping in a bottle of poison, that would
and will keep us sick in our addiction, is what
will strengthen you from inside to out.
I often draw strength from prayers I
learned as a child and those taught to
me when I entered recovery 26 yrs ago.
Having a close personal relationship
and connection to my HP - Higher Power,
God of my understanding, never do I
ever have to feel alone in anything or
any situation.
My HP has been with me thru thick
and thin and has been my Rock when
I need strength as I continue to ask for
guidance and work His will thru me.
Stay strong as you seek relief during
situation knowing that it will pass and
nothing will ruffle your feathers as long
as you remain steadfast in your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 64
Hi Ophelia
I feel your pain. Not in a meaningless clichéd way. Sometimes life take you over.
I'd say get home and cry away. Post here. Rant. Rave. Whatever. You'll wake up a whole lot better. And then rant and rave here some more if you want!!
You have some major achievements behind you. You sound cool.
I feel your pain. Not in a meaningless clichéd way. Sometimes life take you over.
I'd say get home and cry away. Post here. Rant. Rave. Whatever. You'll wake up a whole lot better. And then rant and rave here some more if you want!!
You have some major achievements behind you. You sound cool.
Still I rise.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by tomsteve
you mentioned not having a sponsor.
how bout finding a meeting?
how bout finding a meeting?
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