Addictive Personality Disorder..any thoughts?
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Addictive Personality Disorder..any thoughts?
Hi everyone...been reading about addictive personality disorder, and I believe that ah has tons of traits that resemble this. Does anyone else here think that their spouses etc have it, as it is often linked to substance abuse. Was just wondering if the alcohol consumption is a 'symptom,' rather than a more deep-rooted cause? Thoughts please!
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I've read about a couple of mental disorders that sounded very much like XAH, addictive personality disorder being one of them. At first I got excited--maybe that's why AA isn't working for him, maybe if he checks into this, he can get better! But since there was zero interest on his part in doing anything to change things, the diagnosis or lack of one meant nothing in the end.
However, FireSprite's RAH has found a lot of help in meds for adult ADD/ADHD (forgive me if I don't have this exactly right, FireSprite). But--and to me this is a big, big BUT--he quit drinking first. Then the mental issues were addressed after a significant time sober. Hopefully FS will be along to tell more about this.
I'm not sure about the "symptom vs cause" thing; many of us here have felt that if we could just remove the alcohol from the equation, we'd have the man/woman/child/parent of our dreams. Unfortunately, that's not often how it worked, and that's why a program of some sort is usually necessary for A's to maintain long-term sobriety--there's a lot more involved than just putting the bottle down. Altho that's an absolutely necessary part of recovery, it's far from being the whole story. So IS alcohol ever the "cause", or is it always a "symptom"?
However, FireSprite's RAH has found a lot of help in meds for adult ADD/ADHD (forgive me if I don't have this exactly right, FireSprite). But--and to me this is a big, big BUT--he quit drinking first. Then the mental issues were addressed after a significant time sober. Hopefully FS will be along to tell more about this.
I'm not sure about the "symptom vs cause" thing; many of us here have felt that if we could just remove the alcohol from the equation, we'd have the man/woman/child/parent of our dreams. Unfortunately, that's not often how it worked, and that's why a program of some sort is usually necessary for A's to maintain long-term sobriety--there's a lot more involved than just putting the bottle down. Altho that's an absolutely necessary part of recovery, it's far from being the whole story. So IS alcohol ever the "cause", or is it always a "symptom"?
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when i got sober i thoroughly believed alcohol was but a symptom of much deeper problems.
after stopping and putting in a lot of footwork,a years worth, my doctor said i had depression and prescribed meds for it.
wouldnt have helped if that happened when i was drinking. i would have used depression as another excuse for my actions.
after stopping and putting in a lot of footwork,a years worth, my doctor said i had depression and prescribed meds for it.
wouldnt have helped if that happened when i was drinking. i would have used depression as another excuse for my actions.
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My father was the "classic" alcoholic. About average, when compared to what I hear from other peeps in al-anon and ACA. Came home drunk a couple times a week, DUI's a couple times a year. Abusive with those he could push around. etc. etc.
One day he joined AA, took him a few times but he finally quit. Noting else changed. He was still abusive, just not drunk. Still had the same attitude of entitlement and superiority as always, just not drunk. How much of the AA program he got involved with I don't know.
Whether the drinking was a symptom, or a cause, didn't matter to me as a child. It was his behavior that caused all the harm. As others have said, just not drinking was not enough to make any difference.
Mike
One day he joined AA, took him a few times but he finally quit. Noting else changed. He was still abusive, just not drunk. Still had the same attitude of entitlement and superiority as always, just not drunk. How much of the AA program he got involved with I don't know.
Whether the drinking was a symptom, or a cause, didn't matter to me as a child. It was his behavior that caused all the harm. As others have said, just not drinking was not enough to make any difference.
Mike
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This was posted by another SR member some time ago, and I saved it b/c it rang true for me. Maybe it will shed a little light here too:
Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.
I know that this is a very accurate description of what I wanted from XAH in sobriety/recovery. When he was attending meetings and claiming to be sober, yet didn't act any different, I was frustrated--this is what I thought I wanted, but why wasn't it better? I remember yelling at him one night in the heat of an argument, "what do you DO at those meetings? You are a bigger a**hole than you were before!" (not one of my finer moments, clearly...)
Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.
I know that this is a very accurate description of what I wanted from XAH in sobriety/recovery. When he was attending meetings and claiming to be sober, yet didn't act any different, I was frustrated--this is what I thought I wanted, but why wasn't it better? I remember yelling at him one night in the heat of an argument, "what do you DO at those meetings? You are a bigger a**hole than you were before!" (not one of my finer moments, clearly...)
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Originally Posted by honeypig 
This was posted by another SR member some time ago, and I saved it b/c it rang true for me. Maybe it will shed a little light here too:
Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.
I know that this is a very accurate description of what I wanted from XAH in sobriety/recovery. When he was attending meetings and claiming to be sober, yet didn't act any different, I was frustrated--this is what I thought I wanted, but why wasn't it better? I remember yelling at him one night in the heat of an argument, "what do you DO at those meetings? You are a bigger a**hole than you were before!" (not one of my finer moments, clearly...)
Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.
I know that this is a very accurate description of what I wanted from XAH in sobriety/recovery. When he was attending meetings and claiming to be sober, yet didn't act any different, I was frustrated--this is what I thought I wanted, but why wasn't it better? I remember yelling at him one night in the heat of an argument, "what do you DO at those meetings? You are a bigger a**hole than you were before!" (not one of my finer moments, clearly...)
As for the original question about addictive personality disorder. I definitely think my ex had this. He would nit drink for a couple weeks and I'd see him on gambling sites. I'm pretty sure he had a porn addiction too. He's always going to need something to stimulate his mind. He was highly intelligent and pretty musically talented. Nothing will ever be enough or make him good enough I think.
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I'm with tomsteve--I think alcoholism is almost always a symptom of other underlying issues. There may be a few out there who have a physiological abnormality from the beginning, but I suspect they are few and far between. Most alcoholics I've heard share their stories talk about feeling different, like they didn't fit it, and alcohol made that feeling go away. I think a lot of other "addictions" serve a similar purpose in making the addict feel "OK"--filling that "hole in the soul." That's part of the reason anyone suffering from substance-related addiction is advised to be careful of ANY substance that alters reality. It's dangerous for heroin addicts to drink, and dangerous for alcoholics to smoke pot. And yeah, anything that offers distraction or a "rush" can be problematic, too (e.g., gambling, shopping, food, etc).
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All of your posts have been interesting to read. I have to say that I am in agreement with tomsteve and lexicat...I also believe that alcohol is a 'tool' that is used to dull or eradicate inner pain and suffering. The most interesting thing though is that my ah was the one who drew my attention to this issue this week. It was a response to my ultimatum that I was leaving unless things change. I don't think he ever really took my distress seriously until he realized that I REALLY meant it this time! I have been constantly telling him that he has addictive tendencies I.e. spending, gaming, golf, gym, health fads etc etc. He is constantly on the look-out for 'something!' I am being extremely cautious here, as you can all appreciate, but it does seem that the penny might have dropped?! He has researched the addictive personality thing, and agrees that he ticks all the boxes. What has been most encouraging, is that he said "how did I not see this sooner?"..., and he has been a very different person to be around inasmuch that he is calm, happy and determined to really look at himself. I know that this is very early days, and as I previously said, I am extremely cautious, but his epiphany has certainly made mine, his and 'our' life much more positive at the moment. Only time will tell of course, but here's hoping that the dropped penny will stay down!
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