Critical comments hurt, even if you don't mean them to
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 116
Critical comments hurt, even if you don't mean them to
I have found so much help here and I'm grateful for all the support. I would like to address those who are no quite so helpful. Comments on writing style, or telling me what I need to do or don't need to do, or even coming across as superior, are not helpful. I can't write for everyone, but for me, I need support, encouragement and understanding...the first time I read a critical comment, it hurt. It was very early (I know, I'm still early!) and I almost didn't come back, which would have been a shame because I need this. If you are tempted to write something negative, remember that no one of us is better than anyone else here. Being negative to someone does not raise you up.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I agree, Raeven. I try to post with compassion. I hope others do, too. The challenge with this medium is its one-dimensionality. The spoken word may not sound as cold when partnered with voice inflections and facial gestures. Here, writing is writing. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Raeven
I'm sorry if some comments have hurt you. It has been my experience that its hard for me to sometimes determine the emotional intent behind a post...kinda like texting. I find I sometimes project my own feelings or interpretations onto posts that may or may not be there. I try to read them like a recipe or something, without a lot of emotional involvement. A lot easier said than done. But for me its really important on the internet as misunderstandings can happen easily.
If all else fails, report the suspect post or ask a mod about it. But most important? Take what helps and leave the rest!
I'm sorry if some comments have hurt you. It has been my experience that its hard for me to sometimes determine the emotional intent behind a post...kinda like texting. I find I sometimes project my own feelings or interpretations onto posts that may or may not be there. I try to read them like a recipe or something, without a lot of emotional involvement. A lot easier said than done. But for me its really important on the internet as misunderstandings can happen easily.
If all else fails, report the suspect post or ask a mod about it. But most important? Take what helps and leave the rest!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
What Frickaflip said.
My personal approach to this (both on SR and in other areas of life) as a receiver is that I focus on the content, the more objective message someone tries to bring across (what I find useful), and don't worry much about style. It can be quite disruptive and conterproductive if we allow to get everyone's style and emotional state to get to us. Perhaps practicing a certain level of detachment on an anonymous message board like this can be a relatively safe opportunity?
I think though that criticism without offering alternatives, experience and some level of compassion/encouragement is reflective of the critique's state of mind much more than anything else. Constructive criticism is a form of art, some people have the skills by default, but it's also something that can be learned and is very worth learning! The thing to remember though about a place like SR is that many of us post when in not the best place ourselves... so it's not difficult to get carried away. Again, the only realistic solution I can see is to work on our own end, on how we receive and react to comments and feedback from others.
My personal approach to this (both on SR and in other areas of life) as a receiver is that I focus on the content, the more objective message someone tries to bring across (what I find useful), and don't worry much about style. It can be quite disruptive and conterproductive if we allow to get everyone's style and emotional state to get to us. Perhaps practicing a certain level of detachment on an anonymous message board like this can be a relatively safe opportunity?
I think though that criticism without offering alternatives, experience and some level of compassion/encouragement is reflective of the critique's state of mind much more than anything else. Constructive criticism is a form of art, some people have the skills by default, but it's also something that can be learned and is very worth learning! The thing to remember though about a place like SR is that many of us post when in not the best place ourselves... so it's not difficult to get carried away. Again, the only realistic solution I can see is to work on our own end, on how we receive and react to comments and feedback from others.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
It's an open forum. Anyone, within forum rules, can post what they want. That leaves room for posts that can be negative and critical. That said, I'd bet 95% of the replies are positive, supporting, and encouraging.
Take what you need, leave the rest.
Take what you need, leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Raven one of the comments on my very first post here back in 2013 hurt my feelings and I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. But thankfully I realized that person must have been hurting worse than me to come across so rude. dogonecarl is right thought at least 95% of responses will be positive and supportive. There will always be negative ones though even if we give money away for free someone will complain about it. lol
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Raevan, please Report a Post or PM me or one of the other Mods if you have a complaint about a post. Thanks!
This is our Mandate in the Newcomers forum and Dee and I hard to keep things positive:
The Newcomers Forum is a safe and welcoming place for newcomers. Respect is essential.
This is our Mandate in the Newcomers forum and Dee and I hard to keep things positive:
The Newcomers Forum is a safe and welcoming place for newcomers. Respect is essential.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Raeven, over my time I've found that some of the posts that make me the most upset give me the most opportunity to learn a valuable lesson.
My first time here and my very first post had me bawling for hours and I immediately deleted my account.
Second time back I came with an open mind. We don't always like to hear the truth. Even though we know, deep down, what our truth is, we are so used to living in such narrow-minded denial that when we hear comments that cut through the crap our addiction (or just general negative thinking) has taught us to believe, we get defensive, we get hurt, we get angry.
When I get such comments, I would generally leave it alone and come back to the words when the bad feelings had abated a little, and I would examine inwardly, why do I feel this way? It gave me an opportunity to work on how I was reacting.
I know when we start out on the sobriety path we are pretty sensitive and raw. In time, this will get better and most of us develop a stronger skin when it comes to tough love- because, we know. We've walked it too and come to understand.
We always have a choice in how we act and react. Nobody can make us think or feel a certain way- that is our decision how we react and what we do to with that reaction. You can also choose to take it or leave it.
One of favorite mantras: "I am Teflon"
My first time here and my very first post had me bawling for hours and I immediately deleted my account.
Second time back I came with an open mind. We don't always like to hear the truth. Even though we know, deep down, what our truth is, we are so used to living in such narrow-minded denial that when we hear comments that cut through the crap our addiction (or just general negative thinking) has taught us to believe, we get defensive, we get hurt, we get angry.
When I get such comments, I would generally leave it alone and come back to the words when the bad feelings had abated a little, and I would examine inwardly, why do I feel this way? It gave me an opportunity to work on how I was reacting.
I know when we start out on the sobriety path we are pretty sensitive and raw. In time, this will get better and most of us develop a stronger skin when it comes to tough love- because, we know. We've walked it too and come to understand.
We always have a choice in how we act and react. Nobody can make us think or feel a certain way- that is our decision how we react and what we do to with that reaction. You can also choose to take it or leave it.
One of favorite mantras: "I am Teflon"
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 1,742
What I think of as a neutral or even helpful comment, someone else might think highly insulting or dismissing and visa versa.
I give you credit for writing your post. I've felt wounded by comments in the past, so I understand your point of view. And by writing your post and addressing the issue, you bring the possibility of further pain from the very comments you describe. This is a good way of getting past it. Yay!
I give you credit for writing your post. I've felt wounded by comments in the past, so I understand your point of view. And by writing your post and addressing the issue, you bring the possibility of further pain from the very comments you describe. This is a good way of getting past it. Yay!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Truth is good. But we can speak our truths without being hurtful. I agree with Carl that most of the posts made are kind and meant to be helpful. One of the very first responses to my first post was not unkind,but very direct. My initial reaction was chagrin and some anger. After reflection, I realized that the post was absolutely spot on. It allowed me to view the described situation with different eyes., and helped me put it in perspective. I do occasionally read a post that makes me cringe. Those, thankfully, are rare. Peace, all.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
Alcoholics often need a good slap in the face with reality. We are sensitive people and often take offense to that. But when you are asking for help that might save your life there is no room for sugar coating or political correctness. You NEED people in your life who will tell you how it. I found that in the rooms of AA. They didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, they told me the ugly truth and it made me mad but it also made me see the reality of the situation and now 4 years later I see how wrong I was and how I needed to hear that.
This is a good subject to speak with your sponsor about. If you don't have a sponsor I suggest you get one and they will help you work through things like this.
This is a good subject to speak with your sponsor about. If you don't have a sponsor I suggest you get one and they will help you work through things like this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I've also noticed that in pretty much every kind of interpersonal interaction (both online and offline) my emotional reactions to what others say (or what I imagine they suggest) can be a goldmine for productive introspection. What I mean is that most often comments and other people's behavior can upset me because, intentionally or not, they hit on some particularly sensitive and vulnerable area in me. And I think very often the person who comments has no idea about this, it is within me entirely or almost. So taking a good deep look at these reactions, how they were triggered and what exactly they hit on can be a useful learning experience and part of some valuable self work. Reminds me of how psychotherapy works a lot of the times... understanding our reactions and feelings, gaining a more realistic perspective on ourselves and what would be good to work on (but the therapist can't do the actual work, I need to as a client). So using everyday life opportunities in similar ways can be cool and it's cheap! 
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I agree to a certain point. And I definitely agree that criticizing writing style doesn't have a place here.. unless that writing style makes it difficult for readers to understand what you are saying. I must hold up my end and make myself clear and understandable and approachable, first.
But more to your message... Critical comments hurt... and they used to hurt me a lot more. Having security in who I am helps. Also being in a non-judgmental place, now when I read some of the same remarks that used to upset me, I don't frame them as critical or unfair.
I know everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and free to express them here, as long as they don't break forum rules. I must accept that if I put myself out there, I can take the responses with a grain of salt, or I can choose not to read them. But case by case, I am the one who decides what hurts me and what does not.
Humility is HUGELY underrated. I see what is being said. I may not appreciate the WAY it is said, but ask myself what I can take from it. Is this pointing me in the direction of something I need to learn or work on?
But more to your message... Critical comments hurt... and they used to hurt me a lot more. Having security in who I am helps. Also being in a non-judgmental place, now when I read some of the same remarks that used to upset me, I don't frame them as critical or unfair.
I know everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and free to express them here, as long as they don't break forum rules. I must accept that if I put myself out there, I can take the responses with a grain of salt, or I can choose not to read them. But case by case, I am the one who decides what hurts me and what does not.
Humility is HUGELY underrated. I see what is being said. I may not appreciate the WAY it is said, but ask myself what I can take from it. Is this pointing me in the direction of something I need to learn or work on?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
The best advice I received here in the first six weeks initially made me mad.
That said, I understand most of us feel really low when we find this site and start posting, so sensitivity from others is a very nice thing.
All of us (I think?) understand and relate. It is easy to feel isolated and somehow different in our respective relationships with alcohol - but if you find someone with long term sobriety offering advice which feels gruff, it may be their sense of urgency around trying to motivate you to take action.
Maybe it feels like watching someone drown and screaming at them "here! Grab this life preserver!" And the drowning person gets upset at their tone of voice.
That said, I understand most of us feel really low when we find this site and start posting, so sensitivity from others is a very nice thing.
All of us (I think?) understand and relate. It is easy to feel isolated and somehow different in our respective relationships with alcohol - but if you find someone with long term sobriety offering advice which feels gruff, it may be their sense of urgency around trying to motivate you to take action.
Maybe it feels like watching someone drown and screaming at them "here! Grab this life preserver!" And the drowning person gets upset at their tone of voice.
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,388
I'm kinda mystified by this whole topic. SR has always seemed crazy nice to me, almost to a fault. I'm sure not picking up a mean vibe in the threads I'm reading, and I read most of them in Newcomers and also Alcoholism.
People often seem much harder on themselves that the people commenting/encouraging; that's the pattern I notice most often.
People often seem much harder on themselves that the people commenting/encouraging; that's the pattern I notice most often.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Life is hard, and it isn't fair. We sometimes have to suffer well-meaning though also unhelpful people throughout our lives. Personal growth and development rely on our willingness to learn how to discriminate between what is stated and what is intended. In other words, we all deserve the benefit of the doubt until we forfeit that right.
The way we interpret written text says much more about who we are than it does about the writer, and there's no way to avoid responsibility for that. Nor should there be. The unhealthy parts that we carry want us only to hear and read words of unconditional support, and recoil when anything less is offered, a great way for those parts to continue to hide within us and, in turn, remain unchanged and unchallenged. The hurt we find in other people's words comes from within. By themselves, words have no meaning. The only meaning that's involved is that which we ascribe to the words we use, and to those we hear and read. If all the good counsel and support I'd gotten in my life were packaged in a way as to protect my feelings, I'd likely have been dead a long time ago. But only if I were also very lucky and, even then, not a moment too soon.
People here tend to bend over backwards not to offend people generally and, in particular, those who are suffering. And that's a colossal understatement. In my experience, having my feelings hurt by what I know and learn about myself, including what I cannot or will not see through the eyes of others, is part of the process of getting to a better place. I was not built to stand still.
Words may hurt, but they also reveal things about who we are that we're often loath to acknowledge, whether they're words that we generate or those from someone else. The cutting edge is to divorce ourselves from what we believe other people might think about us. The alternative is to live a life determined by forces well beyond our ability to control them.
The way we interpret written text says much more about who we are than it does about the writer, and there's no way to avoid responsibility for that. Nor should there be. The unhealthy parts that we carry want us only to hear and read words of unconditional support, and recoil when anything less is offered, a great way for those parts to continue to hide within us and, in turn, remain unchanged and unchallenged. The hurt we find in other people's words comes from within. By themselves, words have no meaning. The only meaning that's involved is that which we ascribe to the words we use, and to those we hear and read. If all the good counsel and support I'd gotten in my life were packaged in a way as to protect my feelings, I'd likely have been dead a long time ago. But only if I were also very lucky and, even then, not a moment too soon.
People here tend to bend over backwards not to offend people generally and, in particular, those who are suffering. And that's a colossal understatement. In my experience, having my feelings hurt by what I know and learn about myself, including what I cannot or will not see through the eyes of others, is part of the process of getting to a better place. I was not built to stand still.
Words may hurt, but they also reveal things about who we are that we're often loath to acknowledge, whether they're words that we generate or those from someone else. The cutting edge is to divorce ourselves from what we believe other people might think about us. The alternative is to live a life determined by forces well beyond our ability to control them.
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