kevlarsjal

Part of my recovery plan is to identify the reasons why I drank and to come up with alternative behaviour that is not harmful.

For some reasons I could find good ways to handle them but one is especially difficult for me.

Sometimes I just can't stand myself, don't want to identify with my past, feel like I'm trapped in my body. I get disgusted by myself and want to make my thoughts and feelings go away. I just want to drink till I don't remember who I am or until I pass out. I want to do that so I don't do anything worse to myself. A lot of these feelings are caused by the fact that I was raped 7 years ago and can't deal with it. I am already seeing a therapist about it but I have to become sober before we adress this problem.

I have quite a history with self harming behaviour (cutting my arms, hitting myself, abusing drugs and, of course, drinking).

In the past year I drank daily and suppressed these emotions successfully. Now that I am sober they come up and I don't know what to do about them. It's a torture. Is there anyone with similar problems? What could I do in a situation like that?

Raeven

I wish there was a way to take away your pain, but only you have that power. But there are very supportive people here. one thing at a time. posting energy to you.

Sober'sBest

Say, could 'uncommitted quitting' and then craving be seeking more masochistic 'feelings', without obvious harm?


I think realizing I FALSELY believed 'I needed booze' is probably related to my childhood " learned helplessness".

Now I realize "I DON'T *NEED* BOOZE" . . . SOBER'S BETTER.


Thanks profound writer for your outstanding help and sharing.

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kevlarsjal

Thanks Raeven for your support



Sober'sBest: It's not that I look for ways to torture myself. Then I'd probably be quite happy right now in the beginning of my sobriety.

It's more that I try to cover up the internal pain by either distracting me with physical pain (the cutting) or try to just cancel all feelings out (by drinking).

Not all people cut themselves for the same reasons I guess just like not all of us are / were drinking for the same reasons. I never did it cause I seeked intense feelings. It's more like when you go to the dentist and you pinch yourself in the finger to distract your brain form the more intense pain in your mouth. I cut myself to distract my brain from the more intense pain inside of me.

D122y

Kev,

Way out of my league, but I will offer this.....

Since quitting....my emotions initially escalated. I was hyper sensitive to everything.

Noises, light, wind/road grade/shadows while driving,etc etc.

A few jerks at work tried to get me Pissed off because they could tell was stressed.

I obsessed horribly.

Now sober 18 months...I obsess, but it is a joke compared to 6 months ago.

I laugh over silly stuff, I get happy for simple reasons, I take myself less serious.

It is a good thing.

I am drug free minus a multi vit, b supp, and coffee in the am usually.

I believe it takes some time to settle down after quitting.

If you take meds..that will change the game too.

Thanks for the post.

soberlicious

Hi Kevlarsjal,
Now that you have quit drinking, hopefully you can do some intensive work with your therapist. After I quit, I saw mine 2x weekly for quite some time to deal with other issues, and then weekly, twice a month, monthly and so on for about 4 years. It's not easy looking at that old stuff, but as terrifying as it can be, there was something quite satisfying about finally looking Fear straight in the eyes and putting it where it belongs.

I have a long history of self-harm and self-hatred. Unlike you, I did the things I did because I sought intense feelings. My therapist explained that living for long periods in a state of "high alert" as a child raised my threshold in a way, so that normal experiences and healthy ways of being seemed dull to me. An interesting theory as I look at how I've lived my life.

Physical pain had a very calming effect on me, which led me to spend some interesting, albeit very risky, time in an alternative lifestyle. I had been a non drinker for several years at that point, so it wasn't alcohol or drugged fueled...it was driven by a need/desire for intensity. As with every other issue I've had, there came a tipping point with that as well. I wanted to be done with the seeking, the grasping. Only when I became very still with myself could I find some answers.

You will find the answers too and find peace. Keep at it; you're on the right path.

Sober'sBest

I probably could learn much from you Kev, and the other fine writers here... Please write anytime... Oh, I'm in the Pacific Time Zone.

Best Wishes

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Dee74

I thought my self hatred, and the weight of 40 years of that and various other traumas I need not go into, would consume me sober...

Instead I found my fear of dealing with those emotions was far far greater than the reality.

I'd spent years drinking away the slightest discomfort - physical or mental - so I'm not going to lie, sobriety wasn't pleasant for a while...but it was tolerable, I had support here and elsewhere, and things got better really remarkably quickly.

Having a constancy of perception really helped me to get to grips with some long standing issues.

I hope you give yourself the chance too kevlarsjal

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