heartbroke1008

My husband has been sober for 6 months now. I am very excited for him. I have started to see a sad pattern developing since his recovery. We have no intimacy whatsoever. I have tried to talk to him about it. He says he does not know what is causing it or why. He gets aggrevated when I try to discuss it with him. I know right now I am feeling very unattractive. For those of you who do not remember the events that led to his recovery, he left me for another woman prior to getting help. That really assaulted my self esteem. Now I found a lump in my chest and will have to have it removed. This just adds to the self esteem issue I am feeling. We do not hold hands or kiss. He told me he is attracted to me and he loves me. He just does not understand why he does not act on it. It has been like this since about 7 years ago when I found out he first cheated on me. He is willing to go to marriage counseling. I think that is a postive step. Have any of you experienced this? How did you handle it. I know I need to work on rebuilding my own self esteem but it is hard to do when you feel so rejected by the man you love. Let me know if this is common in sobering alcoholics.

Thank you all

Petunia

HB,

I am sorry to hear about your health issue. It sounds like a difficult mixture of uncertainty for you and relief that your husband is being successful with his sobriety so far. I am a firm supporter and believer that much can be gained by seeking the help of skilled counselors. Your HP has a plan, one that may not be clear at the moment, but a plan nonetheless.

Can you tell your husband what you need right now to soothe your soul? Many times we think that the other knows exactly what we need and get but they really don't. There is much gained from telling your lover what you want/need. I do wish you a quick recovery and hope that you will let us know how it goes.

Wishing you some peace today -
Petunia

tootiefish

I don't know if this is common or not, because my AH is still drinking, BUT I do know that he only seems to want to be intimate when he is drunk. The other night I told him that was pretty insulting and he said he'd try to be better about it, but I have a feeling he was just quacking, as usual.

So, I don't have any advice for you, but I definitely think the marriage counseling would be a great start. That could really help you both. You also might think about some individual counseling for yourself. I know one thing I sometimes do when I'm feeling not so pretty is to go to a department store cosmetics counter and get made over and I usually try to buy a nice new eye shadow or blush. And amazingly, my husband usually notices and says how pretty I look and that helps me to feel better. Whatever you decide, my thoughts will be with you and I hope you're feeling better soon.

lilly54

It is common, I went throught the same thing. Hang in there..

Lilly

journeygal

Hi HB,

I went through the same thing when my husband was in early recovery. I don't know if it's typical or not but try not to take it personally. I know it feels like he's rejecting you but it has nothing to do with you.

I've had two breast lumps removed so I know how you feel about that self-esteem issue. Chances are the lump will be benign and the scar probably won't be very noticeable after it's healed.

I agree that individual counseling might be good for you in addition to marriage counseling. As for feeling unattractive, why not go shopping and get a new outfit or go workout, something that makes you feel good? And don't do it for your husband, do it for yourself.

Take care,
JG