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Don't know where else to turn. Daughter turned 16 yesterday. Had a wonderful birthday. She is a fine young women. Then i learn that her father and step mum have said they will buy her alcohol to drink at her step brothers 17th birthday in a few weeks! Im disgusted. Why would you do that when shes jus turned 16 and there will be drunk teenage boys around. Yes her dad will be there but does that make it right? Shes hasnt drunk before and doesnt know what shell be drinking or what is available. Also shes aloud to invite friends around to drink with her but they have to bring their own. I really didnt think i would need to be thinking about this the day after her 16th birthday.😐
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You can forbid her to go. Her dad is setting himself up for a huge lawsuit and possible criminal charges--suppose one of those kids has an accident or gets deathly sick from drinking or gets into a fight with another kid?
Would you allow her to go to a party given by one of her friends if you knew there would be underage drinking? The fact that it's hosted by her dad doesn't make it better--it makes it WORSE.
Would you allow her to go to a party given by one of her friends if you knew there would be underage drinking? The fact that it's hosted by her dad doesn't make it better--it makes it WORSE.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
You can forbid her to go. Her dad is setting himself up for a huge lawsuit and possible criminal charges--suppose one of those kids has an accident or gets deathly sick from drinking or gets into a fight with another kid?
Would you allow her to go to a party given by one of her friends if you knew there would be underage drinking? The fact that it's hosted by her dad doesn't make it better--it makes it WORSE.
Would you allow her to go to a party given by one of her friends if you knew there would be underage drinking? The fact that it's hosted by her dad doesn't make it better--it makes it WORSE.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
You can forbid her to go. Her dad is setting himself up for a huge lawsuit and possible criminal charges--suppose one of those kids has an accident or gets deathly sick from drinking or gets into a fight with another kid?
Would you allow her to go to a party given by one of her friends if you knew there would be underage drinking? The fact that it's hosted by her dad doesn't make it better--it makes it WORSE.
Would you allow her to go to a party given by one of her friends if you knew there would be underage drinking? The fact that it's hosted by her dad doesn't make it better--it makes it WORSE.
Start documenting all of this. Perhaps send an email stating your understanding of their intentions and your concerns. Any response to this that did not assure you to the contrary would be evidence of allowing minors to drink.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Can you not allow her to go? Or is that a time she legally obliged to be with her father?
Start documenting all of this. Perhaps send an email stating your understanding of their intentions and your concerns. Any response to this that did not assure you to the contrary would be evidence of allowing minors to drink.
Start documenting all of this. Perhaps send an email stating your understanding of their intentions and your concerns. Any response to this that did not assure you to the contrary would be evidence of allowing minors to drink.
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OK, well, assume he had some other activity--legal--that you considered highly dangerous (hang gliding, let's say). If you both have legal custody, I'd say when it comes to the child's safety you have at least as much "say" in what she does as he does.
You can always forbid her to go, and let him go complain to the court and explain how "unreasonable" you were for not allowing your young daughter to drink when she isn't old enough to buy it. You can make a list of all the dangers you are concerned about.
Heck, the worst that will happen is the judge fines you for contempt for not sending her (I'm assuming that's the case--you should ask your lawyer about possible consequences). This sounds to me like a big enough deal it's worth putting your foot down.
If he was talking about one glass of wine at an elegant restaurant, that might be a different story. THIS sounds like a flat-out drinking party he's planning.
You can always forbid her to go, and let him go complain to the court and explain how "unreasonable" you were for not allowing your young daughter to drink when she isn't old enough to buy it. You can make a list of all the dangers you are concerned about.
Heck, the worst that will happen is the judge fines you for contempt for not sending her (I'm assuming that's the case--you should ask your lawyer about possible consequences). This sounds to me like a big enough deal it's worth putting your foot down.
If he was talking about one glass of wine at an elegant restaurant, that might be a different story. THIS sounds like a flat-out drinking party he's planning.
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how do you know of this plan? directly from the father, or via third party?
what you CAN do is TALK to your daughter about alcohol. about what can happen to a young lady in a drinking environment. and that she has a choice. and if she feels in danger or threatened in any way, she can call you.
what you CAN do is TALK to your daughter about alcohol. about what can happen to a young lady in a drinking environment. and that she has a choice. and if she feels in danger or threatened in any way, she can call you.
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I have a friend, who's son went to an 18th Birthday party "amoung friends". Word got out there was a party; and although the parents were present, a fight ensued. Her son, Alex; did his best to remove the uninvited teens. As he was pushing them out the door, the parents called police.
By the time the pilice arrived, minutes later; Alex had been stabbed...to death.
Please do not allow your child to attend. Tradgety can happen in one millesecond.
By the time the pilice arrived, minutes later; Alex had been stabbed...to death.
Please do not allow your child to attend. Tradgety can happen in one millesecond.
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I like Anvil's suggestion, if keeping her at home isn't an option. Those are conversations we should be having with our kids anyway, well in advance of the time we think we need to. Kids have to feel OK with saying "no." I can definitely understand her wanting to taste it, but emphasize the danger involved, and how easy it is to overdo it, and that she needs to keep her wits and dignity.
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Normi, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.
I worked in law enforcement for many years, and that's exactly one of the sad scenarios I had in mind--there have been several such incidents in my area over the years.
I worked in law enforcement for many years, and that's exactly one of the sad scenarios I had in mind--there have been several such incidents in my area over the years.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Normi, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.
I worked in law enforcement for many years, and that's exactly one of the sad scenarios I had in mind--there have been several such incidents in my area over the years.
I worked in law enforcement for many years, and that's exactly one of the sad scenarios I had in mind--there have been several such incidents in my area over the years.
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Originally Posted by Rosiepetal
The only way i found out was from my 12 year old. I spoke to my 16 yr old about it and asked her about the occasion. She told me it was starting wiv a bbq and her dad and stepmum said theyd buy her and her stepbrother alcohol. When i asked what type she didnt no. She has no idea what is available. She said her friends were aloud around with alcohol if they bought their own. I spoke to her about the impact of drinking, the potency of some of it and how it alters the mind. I spoke about sex and boys and how alcohol can complicate this. I told her she needs to communicate with me over these matters. She is now 16. She can choose to go. She goes thursday night and the party would be the sat night i presume. In the past if theres been issue and i have contacted her dad he either ignores any correspondence or turns nasty and avoids the issue. Also if i confront him it is likely my 12 yr old will get growled and punished as shes been told not to let me know these things.
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Originally Posted by MIRecovery
I would just tell her and her dad that what they are doing is illegal and that you will call the police and let them know he is contributing to the delinquency of a minor
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
Dear Rosie
What is this guy trying to do, get her hooked on alcohol?
He is full of the Devil himself!!!
What is this guy trying to do, get her hooked on alcohol?
He is full of the Devil himself!!!
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Rosie....I understand how strongly you feel about this passing of temptation under a teenager's nose..like they are doing. Especially, after all we have learned about alcoholism and drugs in the lives of these young people.
I also understand the very difficult position that you are in..given the realities of your situation. It does look, to me, like you have your hands tied, as to stopping it.
What a p recarious time it is..when they are walking between childhood and adult hood! It is a wonder that parents ever get a night's sleep during these years.
Rosie, virtually all kids, these days, regardless of what country, are exposed to alcohol, drugs, and sex....unless they are carefully kept under the most rigid of survelience. Even at that...extreme shelter may make them vulnerable to these dangers, later on..when they get away from the home fires......
What do I suggest, from my experience? Talk to her earnestly and openly about the dangers and how she can avoid the dangers that might deep six her future life. Talk to her, often...even if she doesn't "like" it.
LOl...don't be hysterical about it. Talk calmly and don't leave anything off the table.
Believe it or not...what parents say have a chance of sticking....
talking about it...and teaching them about these things is much better than not talking and teaching....
I can see your concern. You are doing your best to be a good mother.....
I also understand the very difficult position that you are in..given the realities of your situation. It does look, to me, like you have your hands tied, as to stopping it.
What a p recarious time it is..when they are walking between childhood and adult hood! It is a wonder that parents ever get a night's sleep during these years.
Rosie, virtually all kids, these days, regardless of what country, are exposed to alcohol, drugs, and sex....unless they are carefully kept under the most rigid of survelience. Even at that...extreme shelter may make them vulnerable to these dangers, later on..when they get away from the home fires......
What do I suggest, from my experience? Talk to her earnestly and openly about the dangers and how she can avoid the dangers that might deep six her future life. Talk to her, often...even if she doesn't "like" it.
LOl...don't be hysterical about it. Talk calmly and don't leave anything off the table.
Believe it or not...what parents say have a chance of sticking....
talking about it...and teaching them about these things is much better than not talking and teaching....
I can see your concern. You are doing your best to be a good mother.....
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Yikes, I just stumbled across this in another forum here at SR, and it makes this look even MORE like a bad idea, if that's even possible:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...age-brain.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...age-brain.html
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My first thought was that you should have a polite straight-forward conversation with your ex to let him know of your concerns, but it sounds like you don't have the best relationship with him.
My second thought was that maybe you should communicate your concerns to some of the other parents. Perhaps some of them could talk to your ex and see what he has planned. Maybe even attend the party.
I agree with Dandylion that this is the time for an open and honest conversation with your daughter about the new world she's venturing into. Whether she goes to this party or not, its always good to have a game plan in place. Along with conversations about the effects of alcohol, I think it's important to talk about little things like "the buddy system" and "Never letting ones friend walk to her car alone after a night out."
My second thought was that maybe you should communicate your concerns to some of the other parents. Perhaps some of them could talk to your ex and see what he has planned. Maybe even attend the party.
I agree with Dandylion that this is the time for an open and honest conversation with your daughter about the new world she's venturing into. Whether she goes to this party or not, its always good to have a game plan in place. Along with conversations about the effects of alcohol, I think it's important to talk about little things like "the buddy system" and "Never letting ones friend walk to her car alone after a night out."
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