First day of the rest of my life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 36
First day of the rest of my life
I told myself I would stop yesterday, but alas... Ended up stopping at the store and buying a 1.5 L bottle of wine after I picked up my 3 year old daughter from my ex husband. I was already hung over from the many days binge before, and reasoned with myself that this will curb the anxiety I was feeling from the withdrawals. A vicious cycle that is literally a living hell.
I told myself I would only have one glass. However, halfway through the bottle I decided that I would just finish it off. Towards the end I started to gag a little but still just couldn't stop.
So now, here I sit at work feeling like crap and desperately trying to overcome the withdrawals, my hands shaking as I type this, my chest hurts and the cold sweats come and go. I don't think my alcoholism has progressed to the point of where I will need medical attention, but I am really scared it is getting to that point and I desperately want to stop.
I have been drinking since I was 15 years old. And have had on and off dry spells over the years, but have been a very heavy drinker pretty much ever since. The best time I did was while I was pregnant, but even then would have the occasional glass of wine.
I can literally feel my health diminishing. I am only 33 years old and I don't want to die. I live alone and have struggled with depression for years on and off. I have been able to keep my heavy drinking a secret from my family, my mother is also a heavy drinker, but I know she does not drink anywhere NEAR to what I do and I am ashamed to ask for help, so the only person to hold myself is accountable.
I have been lucky and not gotten any DUIs, but shamefully can admit I have driven drunk several times, and have had complete blackouts where I don't remember doing things. When I worked nights I would drink at work, but have since stopped that at least because now I work days and my job role has changed. Though I have come to work several times still drunk from the night before. I need to count my lucky stars that I haven't hit rock bottom yet, but every time I drink I know I could possibly hit it.
I am terrified to try and go to meetings. I am not a religious person so really that aspect is not something I believe will work for me. So I came across this website, and have been reading through the posts, and am eager to find a community that understands the darkness I keep finding myself in because I just drown in alcohol.
This is my day 1
I told myself I would only have one glass. However, halfway through the bottle I decided that I would just finish it off. Towards the end I started to gag a little but still just couldn't stop.
So now, here I sit at work feeling like crap and desperately trying to overcome the withdrawals, my hands shaking as I type this, my chest hurts and the cold sweats come and go. I don't think my alcoholism has progressed to the point of where I will need medical attention, but I am really scared it is getting to that point and I desperately want to stop.
I have been drinking since I was 15 years old. And have had on and off dry spells over the years, but have been a very heavy drinker pretty much ever since. The best time I did was while I was pregnant, but even then would have the occasional glass of wine.
I can literally feel my health diminishing. I am only 33 years old and I don't want to die. I live alone and have struggled with depression for years on and off. I have been able to keep my heavy drinking a secret from my family, my mother is also a heavy drinker, but I know she does not drink anywhere NEAR to what I do and I am ashamed to ask for help, so the only person to hold myself is accountable.
I have been lucky and not gotten any DUIs, but shamefully can admit I have driven drunk several times, and have had complete blackouts where I don't remember doing things. When I worked nights I would drink at work, but have since stopped that at least because now I work days and my job role has changed. Though I have come to work several times still drunk from the night before. I need to count my lucky stars that I haven't hit rock bottom yet, but every time I drink I know I could possibly hit it.
I am terrified to try and go to meetings. I am not a religious person so really that aspect is not something I believe will work for me. So I came across this website, and have been reading through the posts, and am eager to find a community that understands the darkness I keep finding myself in because I just drown in alcohol.
This is my day 1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 36
Yes, I do consider myself one because I can't seem to stop. Apologize if I am using the wrong terminology. I just know that it's ruining my life and preventing me from finding any sort of happiness and peace with myself.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by rubythrill 
Apologize if I am using the wrong terminology.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,846
Welcome, Ruby! If you want support, you came to the right place. I drank for nearly 30 years. With mainly this site for support, I've now been sober 7+ years. There's lots of others here with much the same story. We CAN and DO recover.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by rubythrill
Thanks everyone, reading through all these posts is really giving me hope. I need to come on here everyday as a reminder that I can in fact do this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 15
I very much understand where you are now, Ruby...Although I confess I never drank at work (except at the functions that we all do). My kids are early teen and I've had many a crappy hangover too. Unfortunately I noticed Rum doesnt give me as bad a hangover as wine....I'm circiling the drain myself as far as getting ready to hit rock bottom. This group is super supportive. I bit the bullet today and made a call to a counselor and I'm actually back at the computer again to find another in case this one doesnt call me back. It's hard to admit
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
It's so good to have you with us, Ruby. You sound ready to do this - we know you can. Posting & reading here helps us to not feel alone anymore. That was my biggest problem - no one could relate to what I was going through. You can get free. Congrats on your Day 1.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 36
Well today marks Day 7 for me. Starting to feel better physically. Seeing and enjoying the beautiful world around me without the fog of alcohol or a hangover. The sun certainly does seem to shine brighter when you take the time to look at it.
Psychologically I have high and low moments for sure, I lost what I thought was my best friend and there is definitely an emptiness and void. I feel like I am having to re-learn how to live. It's amazing to see how much alcohol controlled my life now that I have gone only a week without it. However, I am beginning to feel a restored hope for my future. Every passing day feels like an accomplishment and motivates me even more to abstain. Thank you to everyone who bares their hearts and souls on this website.
Psychologically I have high and low moments for sure, I lost what I thought was my best friend and there is definitely an emptiness and void. I feel like I am having to re-learn how to live. It's amazing to see how much alcohol controlled my life now that I have gone only a week without it. However, I am beginning to feel a restored hope for my future. Every passing day feels like an accomplishment and motivates me even more to abstain. Thank you to everyone who bares their hearts and souls on this website.
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