Words of wisdom/hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Nashua, NH
Posts: 5
Words of wisdom/hope
Afternoon all,
New member here. Having seen some of these responses gives me hope. Still searching for some clarity on a couple of side-effects I'm experiencing.
Going through a rebuilding process with a relationship that I poisoned with control and sexual reckless manipulation. We both were typically under the influence and even though we experienced some regret the following day we still moved forward with the same pattern again and again.
We've both attended therapy and have since slowed down the drinking and have desist in the reckless behavior. I'm well aware of the long road ahead of us to build trust again but that's not what the intent of this post is.
Typically I would drink 4-5 beers a night during the week and get pretty inebriated on Fri/Sat evenings. That said, I've quit drinking all together for a week now and feel depressed and anti-social. Its to the point that I feel like the lack of the alcohol is making it worse and it's also making me very insecure about the relationship I'm trying to work on as well. Is this all part of the recovery and will it get better. Very hard to juggle both initiatives!!!
Lastly, just so everyone knows we are both professionals in our 40's.
Hopeful
New member here. Having seen some of these responses gives me hope. Still searching for some clarity on a couple of side-effects I'm experiencing.
Going through a rebuilding process with a relationship that I poisoned with control and sexual reckless manipulation. We both were typically under the influence and even though we experienced some regret the following day we still moved forward with the same pattern again and again.
We've both attended therapy and have since slowed down the drinking and have desist in the reckless behavior. I'm well aware of the long road ahead of us to build trust again but that's not what the intent of this post is.
Typically I would drink 4-5 beers a night during the week and get pretty inebriated on Fri/Sat evenings. That said, I've quit drinking all together for a week now and feel depressed and anti-social. Its to the point that I feel like the lack of the alcohol is making it worse and it's also making me very insecure about the relationship I'm trying to work on as well. Is this all part of the recovery and will it get better. Very hard to juggle both initiatives!!!
Lastly, just so everyone knows we are both professionals in our 40's.
Hopeful
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Hopeful3652016 
That said, I've quit drinking all together for a week now and feel depressed and anti-social. Its to the point that I feel like the lack of the alcohol is making it worse and it's also making me very insecure about the relationship I'm trying to work on as well. Is this all part of the recovery and will it get better.
Focus on staying sober. The relationship work can begin on the foundation of recovery.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Welcome Hopeful,
Feeling raw, emotional and depressed is really normal in early recovery. being anti social is not a bad thing I think - at least we don't want to go out to drinking places. Our brains and bodies are readjusting hugely.
I know for me, I had to concentrate on getting myself sober and healthily. I had no time or energy to think of anything else. It sounds harsh but try to focus on you. Is your partner still drinking?
Feeling raw, emotional and depressed is really normal in early recovery. being anti social is not a bad thing I think - at least we don't want to go out to drinking places. Our brains and bodies are readjusting hugely.
I know for me, I had to concentrate on getting myself sober and healthily. I had no time or energy to think of anything else. It sounds harsh but try to focus on you. Is your partner still drinking?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi. Welcome. Just stick with it a day at a time, and gradually work out your recovery plan, and stick to it. Things do get better, slowly but surely, as we learn to deal with life on life's terms, and find greater and greater acceptance and willingness.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Sobriety date 7/15/2015
Posts: 13,350
I felt very "unplugged" when the alcohol was removed. It's a big adjustment letting go of the old ways and adopting new ones. Being with yourself and away from distractions is good at times. Solitude.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome to the family Hopeful - this is the best place for encouragement as you begin your journey.
Congratulations on your week sober. I remember feeling very disoriented & lethargic at that point. It's a huge adjustment we're making. Everything straightened out - I felt much better the more sober time I accrued.
Congratulations on your week sober. I remember feeling very disoriented & lethargic at that point. It's a huge adjustment we're making. Everything straightened out - I felt much better the more sober time I accrued.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Welcome Hopeful. Sobriety is the most important thing. When I came back to SR last November and vowed to get sober, I also had a relationship issue that was made much worse by my drinking.
I quit drinking after a build up of weeks of really dysfunctional behaviour within a dysfunctional relationship. We were both heavy drinkers although I was the only one coming apart from it. My behaviour made me realise how low I was sinking with the drink.
I remember thinking I had to dig myself out of the relationship mess I was in but I had no chance unless I was sober. Well, I was right. I gave myself 6 months to stay away from the relationship and went absolutely no-contact. Sobriety became the overwhelming No. 1 goal for me. At the end of the 6 month period, I had changed so much and my life was so much better, the relationship issues were then very clear to me. The decision to go from temporary no-contact to officially broken-up was pretty easy.
I did eventually re-contact the person in question and we remain friends and on good terms, but he is so irrelevant to my new life. He has continued to drink and says he feels "jealous" of my sobriety. That was a new one on me.
Every relationship issue is different. I am not saying you need to stop contacting your partner but would suggest you give yourself time to focus on your sobriety completely separately from the relationship. Then and only then can the true healing begin on all levels.
The only thing I would have done differently looking back was to extend the no-contact period from 6 months to 9 months.
I quit drinking after a build up of weeks of really dysfunctional behaviour within a dysfunctional relationship. We were both heavy drinkers although I was the only one coming apart from it. My behaviour made me realise how low I was sinking with the drink.
I remember thinking I had to dig myself out of the relationship mess I was in but I had no chance unless I was sober. Well, I was right. I gave myself 6 months to stay away from the relationship and went absolutely no-contact. Sobriety became the overwhelming No. 1 goal for me. At the end of the 6 month period, I had changed so much and my life was so much better, the relationship issues were then very clear to me. The decision to go from temporary no-contact to officially broken-up was pretty easy.
I did eventually re-contact the person in question and we remain friends and on good terms, but he is so irrelevant to my new life. He has continued to drink and says he feels "jealous" of my sobriety. That was a new one on me.
Every relationship issue is different. I am not saying you need to stop contacting your partner but would suggest you give yourself time to focus on your sobriety completely separately from the relationship. Then and only then can the true healing begin on all levels.
The only thing I would have done differently looking back was to extend the no-contact period from 6 months to 9 months.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Nashua, NH
Posts: 5
Thank you MissPerfumado!!
I'd like to have the "no contact" strength just to see if she feels as strong about me but my insecurities and low self-esteem plays a huge role in this.. See I'm not one who likes to be alone and that scares the crap out of me. Some of my friends tell me I'm crazy because they think I'm "A Catch" but that certainly is not what I see or feel.
I'm convinced I need to stop drinking for many reasons but are the insecurities and low self-esteem part of the alcohol dependencies I had/have?
Thank you again!!
I'd like to have the "no contact" strength just to see if she feels as strong about me but my insecurities and low self-esteem plays a huge role in this.. See I'm not one who likes to be alone and that scares the crap out of me. Some of my friends tell me I'm crazy because they think I'm "A Catch" but that certainly is not what I see or feel.
I'm convinced I need to stop drinking for many reasons but are the insecurities and low self-esteem part of the alcohol dependencies I had/have?
Thank you again!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Hopeful - welcome 
I dunno about you but I drank for years - it took a little time for my mind and body to start to heal and for me to feel good again.
As far as low self esteem and insecurities go - they were some of the main reasons I started to drink for in the first place...the curious thing is I look back now and I see drinking made those things worse, not better.
I feel my mind started to clear two or three months in and I was able to look at my life with a clarity I hadn't had for years.
Your mileage may vary on when that clarity manifests itself, but I'm sure you'll feel the same.
D
I dunno about you but I drank for years - it took a little time for my mind and body to start to heal and for me to feel good again.
As far as low self esteem and insecurities go - they were some of the main reasons I started to drink for in the first place...the curious thing is I look back now and I see drinking made those things worse, not better.
I feel my mind started to clear two or three months in and I was able to look at my life with a clarity I hadn't had for years.
Your mileage may vary on when that clarity manifests itself, but I'm sure you'll feel the same.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
My 2 cents: if you choose not to contact your partner for a period, the reason should be to protect your sobriety, not to test how she feels for you. Whatever you choose to do with the relationship in your early sobriety, having it in a steady state and not causing distraction from the important task of staying sober, is optimal. In my case, that is exactly what I managed to achieve. Fortunately, my fella was supportive and knew I was serious about my reasons when I asked for the time and space. If she cares for you and can see you are doing this to get better, one would hope she would be able to agree to taking a break, taking things slow, or whatever you feel you need to do.
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