Update, and Still Not Where I Want to Be
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
Update, and Still Not Where I Want to Be
I haven't posted any active updates in a while on my situation but have been reading the forum a lot and continuing to gain knowledge and strength from this. I’m now almost 3 months past my “summer” crisis (for lack of better term, as there was one last fall, and many times before that!), when my AH relapsed before I had hip surgery, leaving me high and dry, emotionally and physically spent, and a nervous wreck. He spent a month drinking round the clock until he checked himself into detox. I filed for divorce, he didn’t fight me on it, and it’s now in my lawyer’s hands and my part is done on the legal side.
While he may not be not drinking, he recently began to take tranquilizers for anxiety that he was prescribed while in detox. Before I was aware of this, I allowed him (actually asked him) to watch our 7 year old son for two days when he didn’t have school, since I didn’t have childcare those days, and AH had appeared completely sober since returning from detox. One of these days, I called him to check in how everything was going, and he didn’t pick up his cell, repeatedly. I called my house phone and nobody picked up either. I became frantic, because normally, he will check in with me at least once when he is with our son. I had a very sick, sinking feeling that perhaps he had taken something he should not have, while with our son. After about 3 hours with no news I left work (early) and ran home – not knowing what I would do, but I was in “fight or flight” mode. As I came into my lobby, I saw AH’s mother with our son. You can imagine the relief. She said that AH brought him to their house, then fell asleep, leaving him with her. She brought our son back home to stay with him until I came.
I have learned my lesson am not leaving my son with AH alone again, possibly ever (custody is “as agreed”, so it is basically up to me). I have been on again off again contact with AH since then. He admitted that he had been taking the anxiety pills, and that he feels awful from them, but I have no idea if he’s still on them, or if he’s resumed drinking. Let’s just say that given his history nothing would surprise me.
In short, he is a mess. The problem is, so am I. My detachment from him has been incomplete. I know logically that he is a sick person and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that and nothing I can do to make him get healthy. The incident with our son last week drove that home more than anything. At that point I just thanked heavens our son is ok and that I would never put myself in that situation again. AH is an adult, capable of doing what he wants, making his own decisions, and I should just treat him like that.
Yet here I am, continuing to worry about AH. My worry about him od’ing, dying, you name it. Worrying that I won’t move on in my life in a healthy enough way, in spite of the divorce. Constantly feeling a sense of sickness, panic, an anxiety. Worried he will just keep spiraling downward. Worried about how I will move on from this, and how to make the best life for me and my son. Worried that I won’t be able to make that mental leap where I completely let go. Where I don’t wonder if he is ok, where I don’t really even care. I just don’t know when I will get there. It’s such a struggle.
While he may not be not drinking, he recently began to take tranquilizers for anxiety that he was prescribed while in detox. Before I was aware of this, I allowed him (actually asked him) to watch our 7 year old son for two days when he didn’t have school, since I didn’t have childcare those days, and AH had appeared completely sober since returning from detox. One of these days, I called him to check in how everything was going, and he didn’t pick up his cell, repeatedly. I called my house phone and nobody picked up either. I became frantic, because normally, he will check in with me at least once when he is with our son. I had a very sick, sinking feeling that perhaps he had taken something he should not have, while with our son. After about 3 hours with no news I left work (early) and ran home – not knowing what I would do, but I was in “fight or flight” mode. As I came into my lobby, I saw AH’s mother with our son. You can imagine the relief. She said that AH brought him to their house, then fell asleep, leaving him with her. She brought our son back home to stay with him until I came.
I have learned my lesson am not leaving my son with AH alone again, possibly ever (custody is “as agreed”, so it is basically up to me). I have been on again off again contact with AH since then. He admitted that he had been taking the anxiety pills, and that he feels awful from them, but I have no idea if he’s still on them, or if he’s resumed drinking. Let’s just say that given his history nothing would surprise me.
In short, he is a mess. The problem is, so am I. My detachment from him has been incomplete. I know logically that he is a sick person and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that and nothing I can do to make him get healthy. The incident with our son last week drove that home more than anything. At that point I just thanked heavens our son is ok and that I would never put myself in that situation again. AH is an adult, capable of doing what he wants, making his own decisions, and I should just treat him like that.
Yet here I am, continuing to worry about AH. My worry about him od’ing, dying, you name it. Worrying that I won’t move on in my life in a healthy enough way, in spite of the divorce. Constantly feeling a sense of sickness, panic, an anxiety. Worried he will just keep spiraling downward. Worried about how I will move on from this, and how to make the best life for me and my son. Worried that I won’t be able to make that mental leap where I completely let go. Where I don’t wonder if he is ok, where I don’t really even care. I just don’t know when I will get there. It’s such a struggle.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What helped me was imagining I was placing my husband into the hands of his own Higher Power, who was much more well-equipped to deal with him than I was.
It was a bit easier for me because we didn't have children together--that is a complication I didn't have to deal with--but it might help reduce your sense of a need to be constantly worrying about what he's doing to himself.
It was a bit easier for me because we didn't have children together--that is a complication I didn't have to deal with--but it might help reduce your sense of a need to be constantly worrying about what he's doing to himself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pndm.....just like alcoholics in genuine recovery are asked to work a diligent program.....the same thing goes for the co-dependent.....
It takes a while of no (or reduced contact in the case of children) contact and a LOWERING THE BAR ON EXPECTATIONS.
The more contact that you have..the harder it is. But you are still early on, in this process...
I suggest that you cling to your alanon meetings and your therapist (plus SR, lol).
It would be natural to want the father of a chld to help with the parenting...but, the reality is, that, sometimes, the sources of help have to be found in others.....
Sad, I know, to have to come to that realization. But, to avoid that reality, I fear, will drive y ou crazy..
I know that you will be able to get past this man...but, it will require that you adhere to y our own program of recovery for dear life......
It takes a while of no (or reduced contact in the case of children) contact and a LOWERING THE BAR ON EXPECTATIONS.
The more contact that you have..the harder it is. But you are still early on, in this process...
I suggest that you cling to your alanon meetings and your therapist (plus SR, lol).
It would be natural to want the father of a chld to help with the parenting...but, the reality is, that, sometimes, the sources of help have to be found in others.....
Sad, I know, to have to come to that realization. But, to avoid that reality, I fear, will drive y ou crazy..
I know that you will be able to get past this man...but, it will require that you adhere to y our own program of recovery for dear life......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
back in November 2015 you again mentioned your fear of him DYING.
and again in July 2016. I don't want him to die.
also quite worried about YOUR actions sending HIM over the edge.
none of that is in your power to control. not him, not his future, not his choices. HE seems to be doing "ok" actually, just bouncing along, drinking and letting the world slide right by. while YOU are the one consumed with stress and worry.
you are powerless over all of this. he is going to do whatever he is going to do. and while it won't be pretty and it may end awfully, it is more likely to be somewhere in the middle.
AH is an adult. YOU are not his mom. Nor his life preserver.
your job now is to take care of you and the boy. PERIOD. are you in counseling? it can be very helpful to have someone to talk to one on one, especially when our thinking gets extreme.
and again in July 2016. I don't want him to die.
also quite worried about YOUR actions sending HIM over the edge.
none of that is in your power to control. not him, not his future, not his choices. HE seems to be doing "ok" actually, just bouncing along, drinking and letting the world slide right by. while YOU are the one consumed with stress and worry.
you are powerless over all of this. he is going to do whatever he is going to do. and while it won't be pretty and it may end awfully, it is more likely to be somewhere in the middle.
AH is an adult. YOU are not his mom. Nor his life preserver.
your job now is to take care of you and the boy. PERIOD. are you in counseling? it can be very helpful to have someone to talk to one on one, especially when our thinking gets extreme.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
pndm - good to see you again!
Since our stories are similar - I can tell you I was, and still frequently am in your shoes.
I know exactly the feeling you describe when you could not locate DS - and we had almost exact situation - where he was "sober", I entrusted him with DS, and no more of that.
When I start falling into patterns of worrying, or second guessing myself - I make a conscious effort not to contact him. I am proud to say I have not initiated contact since he left for rehab. For the longest time I believed that I "needed him" to raise our son - turns out it is much easier without him. I just take it day at a time and don't worry about future too much at this point (within reason)
Like mentioned above - turn him over to his higher power. And don't initiate contact. "Miss" a couple of his calls, suggest call schedule a couple times a week.
Hang in there
Since our stories are similar - I can tell you I was, and still frequently am in your shoes.
I know exactly the feeling you describe when you could not locate DS - and we had almost exact situation - where he was "sober", I entrusted him with DS, and no more of that.
When I start falling into patterns of worrying, or second guessing myself - I make a conscious effort not to contact him. I am proud to say I have not initiated contact since he left for rehab. For the longest time I believed that I "needed him" to raise our son - turns out it is much easier without him. I just take it day at a time and don't worry about future too much at this point (within reason)
Like mentioned above - turn him over to his higher power. And don't initiate contact. "Miss" a couple of his calls, suggest call schedule a couple times a week.
Hang in there
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
Thaks all. I am so tired now and hope to retire for the night soon with ds, so I'll be brief, but want to say I appreciate the words of wisdom and dose of reality. I need to have bet drummed in sometimes - repeatedly! Nata - yes our stories have a lot in common; all the more so reading that you went through a similar heart wrenching experience with your ds. These guys cant fathom the stress they put us through. Glad everything turned out ok.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pndm.....one thing that you can't ever accuse me of is not giving you doses of reality ....."repeatedly"......lol....
Because I know what burdens you have on your shoulders, I have been sitting on your shoulder...ever since you had your surgery......
It is because I care about you....not because I am just a mean ole snarky dandylion......
Because I know what burdens you have on your shoulders, I have been sitting on your shoulder...ever since you had your surgery......
It is because I care about you....not because I am just a mean ole snarky dandylion......
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