He blew His Own Cover
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
He blew His Own Cover
I was reading Hayfmr's post about lying and it made me touch base with something I have been overcoming lately.
His lying. Not his lying to me about drinking. His lying about me to others.
This I'd something I overly concerned myself with. Everyone on his side started thinking I was just a crazy, controlling b*t*h.
His family hated me for the post part and so did most of his friends. Even his friends who didn't drink and made comments about his drinking.
I saw his text messages to people about me when I'd snoop his phone. That's how I knew our problems were being leaked out of our household. Comments about how I was being a b*t*h and responses from them telling him he should just get rid of me or he should just leave and not tell me where he's going. It felt like I was up against an army... and I was in fact the enemy on a lonely island.
When this finally happened : I was grateful.
One Friday night (approx 2 months ago) his younger sister came over to babysit. I was going out by myself for the first time in 8 months since I had my daughter. My A had to work and a friend of mine who just moved back in town invited me out to catch up over dinner and go to a local PaintNite event.
I was home around 11 pm and A's sister decided to spend the night. My A got home around midnight and when he came and sat down he was antisocial and seemed vacant. When he went to change and wash up she asked me "is he okay? Do you think he's mad I'm here?" I simply said "he's been drinking. Just treat him like you normally would."
She watched him subtly try to bait me into little arguments and make comments that would strike my nerves. I ignored them.
The next morning and afternoon were very similar- but he was sober and really looking to get me to argue or raise my voice to him.
My A's sister kindly offered to babysit again so we could go out and have a date night. I made suggestions to him about going to the movies or for a nice dinner or mini-put. I didn't care what we were going to do. I just wanted to spend time with him, and I said that. He was in a mood and even though he said he wanted to go, he'd reject my suggestions and would say "I don't have the money to spend," so I said "I will pay. I didnt spend much last night and have barely spent any money on entertainment in months." He then made comments insinuating poor money management. I ignored them too. We don't share a bank account, n'or do we have access to see eachother's finances. I pay the bills we agreed I would pay, so he has no leg to stand on.
He got up and went to shower. When he came back he said he'd be back within the hour and was going to run to home Depot.
His sister asked "what is his problem? Why is he trying to fight with you when you are being so nice? He says he wants to go have a date night but is making it impossible to even make plans! He's p*ssing me off!"
I said, "he'll either come back in a better mood or he won't come back at all. When he goes and takes longer he will expect a text message from me asking where he is. When he doesn't get it, he'll text me "what's up?" This means he's not coming home, and he's drinking.
She laughed. She didn't believe me.
Two hours later I got a text saying "what's up?"
She was amazed. She asked "will he come home now?" I said "no. This is just the beginning of an evening of hell. I can take you home if you'd like. She suggested "well why don't we just hang out and play with the baby and maybe we can watch some of your horror movies?" I replied "okay, we can do that. But when he comes home, be prepared for a worse scenario than you witnessed last night. If you don't want to witness your brother acting like a fool, then you should go home." She said "I'd like to stay if that's alright. How bad could it be?"
We hung out and over the next several hours he sent me rude texts and he called me twice sounding angry and confused. He accused me of asking him multiple times to go to the movies after he had said no. He accused me of not listening to him and eventually hung up on me. He sent me a text after no communication for an hour or so saying "I met a nice girl."
I cried. It hurt. Was it true? Probably not. If I know one thing about my A he doesn't cheat. He suffers from big intimacy issues. And there's no possibility of sex with anyone when he's drunk. Him and I both know that.
When I cried his sister asked what he wrote. I showed her my phone and she was appauled and then said "It doesn't matter how drunk my brother is, he'd never cheat on you. I know that much." I agreed. It still didn't mean it didn't hurt.
He stumbled in the door late being rude and obnoxious. I waited for him to go to bed and pass out and joined him later. The next morning he got up and was smoking on the balcony. When he came in, he ignored us. I offered to make everyone coffee and sandwiches. We all ate and when his sister and I went out to the balcony and came back in, he was gone.
Another night of drinking.
Sent cruel texts again, then I just sent him a text hours later asking if he wanted pork chops for dinner. That they were defrosting and would be ready in a few hours. He said he'd bring home take out very soon. He was asking what we wanted. His sister listed a few simple things off like pizza or subs. He said he'd just bring home Mexican.
He brought home 4 meals and two appetizers- around midnight. It was from the restaurant where we shared our first date and many more dates throughout our relationship. The place I suggested we go on our date night the previous day and he refused. We hadn't been there since before I had my daughter.
This bill would have come to well over $100.
He ate a little and then went to bed.
His sister was in shock. We sat on the balcony talking and she told me "we all thought you were crazy. He has made you look like Kate Hudson from 'how to lose a guy in 10 days' to us for a long time. He comes over to our apartment sometimes and parks his truck blocks away saying youll probably come looking for him, and then complains that you're controlling and never let him leave the house."
I told her "this is my life almost every weekend."
She asked "he's saying you never let him leave the house but when is he ever home? He says all you do is fight with him when he's around, but when he has been around this weekend, you've been nice to him."
I told her "your brother is sick. He's following the path your father did, and you saw how that ended. 6 feet under, in an unmarked grave. He comes to you guys because you'll support his drinking. I won't."
The next day all he wanted to do was talk and reconcile. He was back to work at 5pm and I droverly his sister home after she left. When we greeted my a's mom she told her all about it. She told her- "he's been lying to us mom. Its him. He's the mean, crazy one. She just stays home and takes care of the baby and he takes off drinking."
He blew his cover.
I felt like the army against me was broken. I infiltrated it by allowing his sister see what he was.
But that army never mattered. He did it the next weekend and just found some where else to go and others to feel sorry for him.
I cared so much of what these people thought of me. Why? I know I'm not a cruel person or abusive wife. I know what happens in my household. I know that I am a good mom. He could paint me any which way... and none of that would change.
Now that my RAF is sober, he doesn't talk to any of these people. His mother calls when she wants favors, but that's all.
We visit a couple every few weekends who have twin boys born months before my daughter. The couple doesn't drink. They used to make comments about his drinking, and so we stopped going there.
One day, I'm sure he will re-visit the "army" of friends/family he'd turned against me. But I don't worry about the judgement. If he stays sober, I'm sure he'll have to tell them that he did have a problem when they offer him a drink. I don't care if they think "she stopped him from drinking and is controlling him" or "oh, she wasn't a huge b*t*h, he was an alcoholic."
I know who I am. That's what matters.
An Alcoholic will always reveal themselves. Don't try to force it to happen or worry about your character being destroyed.
His lying. Not his lying to me about drinking. His lying about me to others.
This I'd something I overly concerned myself with. Everyone on his side started thinking I was just a crazy, controlling b*t*h.
His family hated me for the post part and so did most of his friends. Even his friends who didn't drink and made comments about his drinking.
I saw his text messages to people about me when I'd snoop his phone. That's how I knew our problems were being leaked out of our household. Comments about how I was being a b*t*h and responses from them telling him he should just get rid of me or he should just leave and not tell me where he's going. It felt like I was up against an army... and I was in fact the enemy on a lonely island.
When this finally happened : I was grateful.
One Friday night (approx 2 months ago) his younger sister came over to babysit. I was going out by myself for the first time in 8 months since I had my daughter. My A had to work and a friend of mine who just moved back in town invited me out to catch up over dinner and go to a local PaintNite event.
I was home around 11 pm and A's sister decided to spend the night. My A got home around midnight and when he came and sat down he was antisocial and seemed vacant. When he went to change and wash up she asked me "is he okay? Do you think he's mad I'm here?" I simply said "he's been drinking. Just treat him like you normally would."
She watched him subtly try to bait me into little arguments and make comments that would strike my nerves. I ignored them.
The next morning and afternoon were very similar- but he was sober and really looking to get me to argue or raise my voice to him.
My A's sister kindly offered to babysit again so we could go out and have a date night. I made suggestions to him about going to the movies or for a nice dinner or mini-put. I didn't care what we were going to do. I just wanted to spend time with him, and I said that. He was in a mood and even though he said he wanted to go, he'd reject my suggestions and would say "I don't have the money to spend," so I said "I will pay. I didnt spend much last night and have barely spent any money on entertainment in months." He then made comments insinuating poor money management. I ignored them too. We don't share a bank account, n'or do we have access to see eachother's finances. I pay the bills we agreed I would pay, so he has no leg to stand on.
He got up and went to shower. When he came back he said he'd be back within the hour and was going to run to home Depot.
His sister asked "what is his problem? Why is he trying to fight with you when you are being so nice? He says he wants to go have a date night but is making it impossible to even make plans! He's p*ssing me off!"
I said, "he'll either come back in a better mood or he won't come back at all. When he goes and takes longer he will expect a text message from me asking where he is. When he doesn't get it, he'll text me "what's up?" This means he's not coming home, and he's drinking.
She laughed. She didn't believe me.
Two hours later I got a text saying "what's up?"
She was amazed. She asked "will he come home now?" I said "no. This is just the beginning of an evening of hell. I can take you home if you'd like. She suggested "well why don't we just hang out and play with the baby and maybe we can watch some of your horror movies?" I replied "okay, we can do that. But when he comes home, be prepared for a worse scenario than you witnessed last night. If you don't want to witness your brother acting like a fool, then you should go home." She said "I'd like to stay if that's alright. How bad could it be?"
We hung out and over the next several hours he sent me rude texts and he called me twice sounding angry and confused. He accused me of asking him multiple times to go to the movies after he had said no. He accused me of not listening to him and eventually hung up on me. He sent me a text after no communication for an hour or so saying "I met a nice girl."
I cried. It hurt. Was it true? Probably not. If I know one thing about my A he doesn't cheat. He suffers from big intimacy issues. And there's no possibility of sex with anyone when he's drunk. Him and I both know that.
When I cried his sister asked what he wrote. I showed her my phone and she was appauled and then said "It doesn't matter how drunk my brother is, he'd never cheat on you. I know that much." I agreed. It still didn't mean it didn't hurt.
He stumbled in the door late being rude and obnoxious. I waited for him to go to bed and pass out and joined him later. The next morning he got up and was smoking on the balcony. When he came in, he ignored us. I offered to make everyone coffee and sandwiches. We all ate and when his sister and I went out to the balcony and came back in, he was gone.
Another night of drinking.
Sent cruel texts again, then I just sent him a text hours later asking if he wanted pork chops for dinner. That they were defrosting and would be ready in a few hours. He said he'd bring home take out very soon. He was asking what we wanted. His sister listed a few simple things off like pizza or subs. He said he'd just bring home Mexican.
He brought home 4 meals and two appetizers- around midnight. It was from the restaurant where we shared our first date and many more dates throughout our relationship. The place I suggested we go on our date night the previous day and he refused. We hadn't been there since before I had my daughter.
This bill would have come to well over $100.
He ate a little and then went to bed.
His sister was in shock. We sat on the balcony talking and she told me "we all thought you were crazy. He has made you look like Kate Hudson from 'how to lose a guy in 10 days' to us for a long time. He comes over to our apartment sometimes and parks his truck blocks away saying youll probably come looking for him, and then complains that you're controlling and never let him leave the house."
I told her "this is my life almost every weekend."
She asked "he's saying you never let him leave the house but when is he ever home? He says all you do is fight with him when he's around, but when he has been around this weekend, you've been nice to him."
I told her "your brother is sick. He's following the path your father did, and you saw how that ended. 6 feet under, in an unmarked grave. He comes to you guys because you'll support his drinking. I won't."
The next day all he wanted to do was talk and reconcile. He was back to work at 5pm and I droverly his sister home after she left. When we greeted my a's mom she told her all about it. She told her- "he's been lying to us mom. Its him. He's the mean, crazy one. She just stays home and takes care of the baby and he takes off drinking."
He blew his cover.
I felt like the army against me was broken. I infiltrated it by allowing his sister see what he was.
But that army never mattered. He did it the next weekend and just found some where else to go and others to feel sorry for him.
I cared so much of what these people thought of me. Why? I know I'm not a cruel person or abusive wife. I know what happens in my household. I know that I am a good mom. He could paint me any which way... and none of that would change.
Now that my RAF is sober, he doesn't talk to any of these people. His mother calls when she wants favors, but that's all.
We visit a couple every few weekends who have twin boys born months before my daughter. The couple doesn't drink. They used to make comments about his drinking, and so we stopped going there.
One day, I'm sure he will re-visit the "army" of friends/family he'd turned against me. But I don't worry about the judgement. If he stays sober, I'm sure he'll have to tell them that he did have a problem when they offer him a drink. I don't care if they think "she stopped him from drinking and is controlling him" or "oh, she wasn't a huge b*t*h, he was an alcoholic."
I know who I am. That's what matters.
An Alcoholic will always reveal themselves. Don't try to force it to happen or worry about your character being destroyed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 31
I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. I'm lucky because my ABF's parents and family know he gets drunk and gets mean... I've never cared what people thought, but it is great to have a support system. And you should be proud of yourself for making it this far.
Sending love your way.
Sending love your way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by ConfusedDaily 
I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. I'm lucky because my ABF's parents and family know he gets drunk and gets mean... I've never cared what people thought, but it is great to have a support system. And you should be proud of yourself for making it this far.
Sending love your way.
Sending love your way.
Me and my A do not have much support.
My family supports me, and frowns upon his drinking... but they're high functioning alcoholics. They don't take off and go to the bar- they drink together.
His Mom enables and appeases her audience to ensure she doesn't burn her bridges. She talks about everyone in the family to one another, starts drama, but forms alliances with everyone- because she uses everyone for favors.
That day his sister went home and told my RA's Mom everything, his mom told me she knows hes an alcoholic and she's going to have a talk with him about his drinking. She told me horrific stories of his drinking and urged me to leave. The weekend after she sent him text messages and had a phone conversation with him telling him his drinking isn't bad, and that I'm just crazy and stuck up and I make a big deal out of nothing to control him.
I recently found out from his sister that she wants me to split up with him because I get in the way of her borrowing money from my RA. Her and I had a falling out weeks ago and I don't speak to her. I eliminated that toxicity from my life.
SR is a wonderful support system for me. I wish I'd discovered it a long time ago.
You all have been so helpful and wonderful to me. ♡
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