Kissedbyfire

For the most part, yesterday was an ordinary day.
When we got into bed after a few hours of relaxing, we said good night and turned off the lights.
I could tell he was laying awake and I was facing him.
He softly said "thank you."
I asked, "what for?"
He said, "you've been very good to me lately. You've been keeping things very simple and I really need that right now. We don't need the complications right now. I look forward to coming home every day to spend time with you and DD. I feel like you're my best friend. I hope you are as happy as I am. I am very grateful for you."
I responded with, "I am happy. I enjoy the time we're spending together, and the respect we are giving one another. I love you, and I appreciate you. Thank you for your love and support. I'm grateful for you as well."
He said, "I'm glad you're happy. We'll have our good days and bad days of course, but in the end, we are there for eachother."

He kissed me on the forehead and we said good night. I slept great. I didn't expect to hear any of that, but it was really nice to.

He's at a high in dealing with stress at work. We discuss it, but he doesn't dump it on me. He does act like he loves being home now. Like this is his safe place. He is cherishing us a little more now.

I agree with him, we don't need the complications. The why, who, what, where, when of his drinking isn't going to make me feel better. Having him promise to never do it again isn't going to reassure me.

Focusing on myself and allowing myself to have peace is making me a better and a happier person. I can feel the anxiety falling off me. I don't need an apology and I don't require gratitude for the things I endured when he was drinking. I need peace.
I won't say I've totally forgiven him. That's a big step that will take time. But I am trying to. Little by little every day I'm getting closer. I don't want to forgive him for his sake. I want to forgive him for me. I want to love myself enough to allow myself to let go and have peace. I want to surrender the hatred in my heart.

One day at a time I'm mending, healing, and becoming the person I am destined to be.

ConfusedDaily

That is great. Thank you for sharing this, it really touches home for me. How long has he been "sober", if you don't mind me asking?

hope778

Thank you for your post.

Thank you for this in particular --

Focusing on myself and allowing myself to have peace is making me a better and a happier person. I can feel the anxiety falling off me. I don't need an apology and I don't require gratitude for the things I endured when he was drinking. I need peace.
I won't say I've totally forgiven him. That's a big step that will take time. But I am trying to. Little by little every day I'm getting closer. I don't want to forgive him for his sake. I want to forgive him for me. I want to love myself enough to allow myself to let go and have peace. I want to surrender the hatred in my heart.

One day at a time I'm mending, healing, and becoming the person I am destined to be.

Happy for you.

Kissedbyfire

He's been sober for three weeks. It isn't much, and it is his first time quitting since realizing and confessing he has a problem. But, he said to me in the beginning: "to get to 10 years, you have to get to 10 months first, and to get to 10 months, you have to get to 10 days."
He doesn't want to join a program or AA. He said he'd only be doing it for me.

All of these things make it likely that he will relapse according to mostly everything I have read. Maybe he will, maybe he won't... but I'm focusing on myself not relapsing. I won't return to the place I was just three weeks ago even if he does drink. If he decides to drink, his decision will not define me.

In three weeks we haven't been doing anything to work on our relationship... I was desperate to discuss things and talk about it at first but stopped because it would always bring us to "well you did this," and start an argument.
Not talking and focusing on our individual selves has been quietly mending our relationship and allowed a blossoming friendship.
I'm very much in love with him but still hold anger and resentment. But its time to let that go so I can forgive, and heal.

hope778

Kissedbyfire - You sound incredibly grounded right now, and that is so admirable. You are very aware of the simple fact that you cannot control him or fix him, you can only work on yourself and allow yourself to grow without getting in your own way with codependent behavior.

Good for you! I understand it is a daily reset of the mind to live these beliefs (at least for me it is), and it is not easy, but you are doing great with it it seems.

Kissedbyfire

Thanks Hope,
It is a daily and sometimes minute to minute reset of the mind for me as well.
My old habits are still there until I "mentally" smack myself. I'll try to stare into his eyes to examine him at times when he gets home to ensure he's sober. When I see his phone laying around unattended I have that habitual urge to try to read it. I have to smack myself out of it and remind myself "I WANT PEACE!"
I read his phone a few days after he got sober, and was so mad at myself for doing so and will not do it again. The old habits are there and seem to be engraved in me but I'm cutting them out. I became an "addict." I was addicted to curing and monitoring his addiction. I can't wait for the day where I don't have these compulsions but it'll take time. I feel strongly that not acting on these compulsions is my cure to not having them.
Just need to keep on staying focused.

It's one day at a time for him... and one day at a time for me.

hope778

I understand 100%. We are in the same boat right now for the most part. AH is a couple months off of his DOC, going to outpatient treatment, and trying to restart. I am working to retrain my codependent brain more and more everyday in an effort to obtain my peace too!

I wish you both all the best.

firebolt

You sound really, really great!! I don't know if you have a counselor, or go to Alanon meetings or not, but they are a great resource and help us stay in a recovery mindset...and help us bounce back faster when we slip. Keep up the good work!!

Kissedbyfire

Thanks Hope. I wish you and your AH the best as well. Glad he's getting treatment, and you're taking care of yourself. I hope over the next month's I get to see lots of positivity and happiness in your posts! ♡

Kissedbyfire

Hi Firebolt,
I had attended a few Al Anon meetings roughly two years ago. I wasn't ready to hear what they were telling me at that time. All I could see were several broken souls in a room who failed to save their loved one's. People who were looking for support while grieving for their loved one's. I thought I could do better, and that I had better tricks up my sleeve. I thought I could outsmart, manipulate and defeat alcoholism.
Boy, was I ever wrong!

I certainly intend to go back. SR was my first step. Educating myself and reading as much literature as possible is my second. Now I intend to find a meeting that suits our schedule. Right now I'm on maternity leave so I should have time to go, but my hubby has been working very long hours and I don't have a sitter- but found a friend who's going to get back to me with her schedule so she could watch my daughter.
I really feel I can benefit from Al Anon. I wish I wasn't so stubborn back then. Haha.

firebolt

HA!

I need to tattoo this on my forehead so I can see it every day!

timetohealguy

Your first post in this thread was absolutely lovely !

A word of warning though ...

My ex got sober for 4 months and during that 4 month period she became the lovely person again she had been before she started drinking.

She said absolutely beautiful things just like you mentioned in your first post.

I became convinced that the drinking was behind us forever.

Unfortunately, after 4 months sober, in a period of less than a week, she relapsed, big time. I was completely blindsided by the relapse, and it was absolutely horrific - the worst behavior I had ever seen from my ex.

Her relapse went on for almost a year, and practically destroyed our relationship completely.

Because alcoholism is progressive, if a relapse happens, it is often much much worse than the previous drinking episode.

I wish that when she got sober for that 4 months that I had focused not on how much better everything felt, but on learning everything that I could about relapse prevention.

The thing about AA and recovery programs, is that it helps the drinker to realise when they are at risk of relapse and gives them tools to help prevent relapse.

I am not trying to rain on your parade in any way whatsoever, and I am very very happy for you that things are improving, but once a drinker decides to stop drinking, relapse prevention becomes vitally important.

Sadly I learned that the hard way. When I read your first post in this thread, I smiled - it was truly lovely - but then I remembered that I felt before my ex's relapse, just like you feel now.

I would never wish on anyone what I went through when my ex relapsed. All I am saying is that some time spent on relapse prevention research may be very useful - I see it like something that everyone hopes they won't need, but it is better to have that knowledge and not need it, than to find yourself in a situation where you need it but don't have it.

timetohealguy

I have just posted a new thread here which has YouTube links to a brilliant video series called "Powerless over alcohol" - in particular see the second video - it is the best explanation of why relapse occurs that I have ever seen - I wish I had that knowledge when my ex first quit drinking and before she relapsed ...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-alcohol.html

Kissedbyfire

Hayfmr,
Thank you.
These are amazing! Listened as I tidied my kitchen and will be rewatching them!
Thank you!!!